The Story Of How Tilly Lost Her Arm

All 29 sparkling young eyes looked eagerly at their grandma. She loved her husbands, she really did, but 13 kids were pushing it and when she had to look after all her grandkids she really wanted to murder them, again. She sat back in her chair and folded her one arm over her lap.

"What do you want to hear this time children?" she asked in her old frail voice.

The eldest of her grandchildren, her daughter Megan's little boy Ralph, piped up,

"The story of how you lost your arm grandma!" and all the rest cheered in agreement.

"Fine, fine. Settle down my dears and I will begin." She wiggled in her seat as to comfort her old bones and took a deep breath,

"It all began on the 31st of July, 2010."

~#*Flashback*#~

Finally, after long gruelling months of having to use web messenger she had gotten her msn to work. What a relief it was just to sign in like every other teenage girl and talk to her friends without the extra hassle and the non-use of photo sharing, music sending and nudges! It had been tough but her genius had finally helped and here she was in the windows live messenger contact screen. Oh. Sweet. Victory. All it took was the deletion of half her documents and programs and the random clicking of options on the sign in screen and finally she had access.

TILLEH says:

*wayyy

*check out who fixed their messenger biatch!

All her friend did was give her the laugh emoticon. Did she not understand the justice of the situation? She felt empowered now, like a mega genius or a cage fighter! She felt like she could take on a whole room of S-Class missing nin and win against them, or a bear! Yeah a bear, right! They were going to Russia!

The next morning her and her trustworthy companion took their ever faithful 2 man all terrain land rover plane that her friend had constructed in her garage one summer whilst very very very bored. And so, they flew to a sparsely populated area of Russia, somewhere in the north. She was never really sure.

The bar they spent the day in was dank, dirty, full of smoke and smelled strongly of the cheap vodka everyone was shooting back like water. Her friend carried her favourite cowboy gun next to her right hip, bullets on a chain around her neck, where as she had nothing but the nails she sharpened into points on the way over here. There was a movement at the darkest end of the bar, out of it slunk a giant black bear. His fur was greasy to say the least, he smelled like something her dog would happily roll in before eating the 'uber yummy' body of the deceased small furry animal. His breath was horrible and he really could have done with a toothbrush but she wanted to take this bear!

Like a flash of lighting she punched him in the face, clawing with her nails through his eye. He quickly retaliated by clubbing her with his massive paws to the ground. As she fell under him she couldn't help but notice he had huge, and I mean big, nuts! She quickly reached out and grabbed them, raking her claws through the flesh connecting them to his body, ripping them off. He let out a terrifying roar and latched his mouth onto the arm she wasn't using to rip his balls off and pulled it clean off her shoulder. She was so hyped up on the pain and adrenaline she didn't notice and began hitting him with his own ball sack. After he finished ingesting her shoulder she opened his mouth up and stuffed his own balls inside before holding his mouth shut and choking him to death.

~#*End Flashback*#~

"Funnily enough that was how your granddad Jack died. God was he a pain in the ass, literally!" she shook her head away from her reminiscing.

"How did granddad Alex die?" asked her favourite grandchild, Sacha.

"The amount of roofies we injected him with, I doubt he remembers a thing..." she turned her head and let out a sigh, "that boy probably remembered the van but after that who knows." Ahh back in the days when she was young and wild.

"What are roofies? And how did he die!"Sacha demanded.

"Stories for another day, my dear, stories for another day." She looked them all in the eye and gave them a smile, "now piss off! The cat returns is on!" she said as she threw the remote at them. Ahh how she loved her grandkids.

The End.

And that my friend was how my friend/partner in all crimes/retard in common Tilly lost her arm...