a/n: listen to jon mclaughlin's 'so close' while reading.
Austria sat by the gramophone, massaging his temples, deep in thought. Was Germany going to visit again today? He supposed so, seeing how it had become somewhat of a routine, where the blonde would visit him twice or thrice each month as the war dragged on, with the solitary, inevitable conclusion to each visit. He remembered the night things played out differently, when Germany treated him with unexpected tenderness. He thought that it was a dream, nothing more, but when he awoke to find the other nation lying by his side... The brunette sighed as he reached for a record to put on and left it to play.
The melodious strains of Chopin's music came on just as the doorbell rang. It was late in the evening and Austria knew, without a doubt, who it was. Even so, as with all routines and experiments, there was always room for random errors or an anomaly. Prussia had visited him once over the course of the war, with nothing but spiteful words and later, an expression of his desire for the war to end quickly. The brunette had dismissed it as a one off thing that would not happen again, but he could not be sure. However, from the impatient manner in which his visitor rang the doorbell, he knew who it was with absolute certainty.
"Germany," the brunette greeted, forcing a smile on to his face. He did his best not to be affected by the blonde's unwavering cruelty towards him and how he hurt him in unimaginable ways each time he visited, but he knew it was a losing battle that he should have never endeavoured to fight in the first place. Despite the events that had happened during that almost forbidden night, it was never brought up again and the two nations acted as if it did not happen.
"The end is nigh," Germany said in a low whisper, causing a shiver to go down Austria's spine.
The brunette looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. When the blonde did not, he motioned towards the sofa, where both nations sat side by side, facing the fireplace. The violet eyed man wondered if he should ask the German about his plans regarding the war - the advance of the Allies into his country was eminent - but decided against it when he felt Germany fix his eyes upon him. He froze, looking up slowly. "Yes?" he asked, offering him another small smile. He was well aware of how painfully forced it looked and its appalling degree of artificiality but nevertheless, kept it plastered on his face.
"Austria," Germany began, not quite meeting his eyes.
The Austrian looked away. He supposed that maybe, just hurting him emotionally, and sometimes physically, wasn't enough any more. Because slowly, Germany had turned him into someone who wanted to be hurt, to be used, to be treated like a toy who would be played with whenever he felt like it and to be thrown aside when he had grown tired of him. Was this the 'truth' he had sought? Was this the feeling that he had tried so hard to understand, that supposedly incomprehensible mortal emotion called love? If it was, some part of him could not help but feel slightly disappointed. Cheated, even. The harsh reality of love was that it caused more pain than happiness, if Austria could actually remember what happiness truly was. Maybe it was how his heart started beating faster whenever he knew Germany was visiting and the strange calmness that overwhelmed him whenever the blonde held him close... After all, it seemed like the closest thing he could find to what his people thought love was, but still. A nauseating sense of bitterness filled the brunette as he bit back a sardonic laugh, facing the German once more.
"I doubt I'll be visiting you again," the blonde said in a monotonous voice.
Nothing could have prepared Austria for the words that left the blue eyed man's lips. The brunette found himself immobilised with shock as he stared at the flames licking the logs, devouring them whole in the fireplace. "You're not coming back?" he asked, voice shaky.
The German shrugged. "Not any time soon. Maybe a few years later. I can't be sure."
"W-why?" Austria asked, mouth suddenly dry, holding his breath without even knowing it.
The blonde's eyes flickered to the window, then back to the other nation. As if reading his mind, the brunette crossed the room and closed the curtains, then returned to his side again. Wordlessly, Germany removed his jacket and lay it on the sofa. He reached for the gramophone, increasing the volume.
The next piece that came on was a waltz, specifically waltz op. 64, no. 2. The blonde extended his hand, as if he was asking the Austrian to dance and when the brunette accepted it hesitantly, the German pulled him to his feet and into his arms.
"Germany?" Austria asked in an uncharacteristically high voice, astonished.
"Dance with me," the German murmured against the violet eyed man's ear, sliding his hand down to the small of his back.
Almost instinctively, Austria reached for Germany's shoulder, resting his palm there, much to his own surprise. He wondered why his body was reacting the way it was, automatically assuming the female part without anyone asking him to do so. Perhaps it was something to do with how he always found himself submitting to the German despite how hard he had fought against it. He wondered if his history had dictated him to do so, for his past was made up of various marriages and alliances, anything to ensure that he could escape a war unscathed because he knew that he could not do it on his own. Even so, he had numerous scars from the times when he had lapses in judgment, such as during the Great War... He frowned as Germany spun him about in a twirl. Did he really deserve the punishment he had received for desperately seeking to preserve whatever that was left of his empire which was falling into disrepair? But what exactly was the punishment in the first place, the Treaty of Saint Germain or the way Germany had treated him throughout the War? He mulled over the thought as he looked up at the German, whose blue eyes told him that similarly, his thoughts were far away.
Germany was very, very tired. He did not show it as openly as Italy did, nor did he hide it as well as Japan but nonetheless, the fatigue was eating at him and he knew that it would not be long before it consumed him. The war was wearing him out and the strain it was putting on his people was enormous. Were they not disillusioned with the way things were playing out? Some part of the blonde secretly wished that his people would do something, anything, just to put an end to their misery while the rest of him felt outraged at how he even allowed himself to come up with such a disloyal thought. For the longest time, he was filled with the opinion that a nation's first priority would be to obey his or her ruler. Now that the conflicting ideas had surfaced within him, he was at a loss as for what his next step should be. He looked at the brunette and his brow furrowed, wondering what he was thinking of. Austria's violet eyes had an almost ethereal quality to them and their iridescence mesmerised him as he looked into the unfathomable depths.
"Germany," Austria looked straight into the other nation's eyes, doing his best not to flinch. "Is something wrong?"
The blonde stared at him, caught off guard. "Austria," he began, uncertainty creeping into his blue eyes. He held the brunette closer, causing him to gasp.
"Does this have something to do with your..." Austria trailed off, not daring to mention the other nation's ruler. Ever since that incident, he had always reminded himself of how he was constantly kept under surveillance, of how each time Germany humiliated him, someone was watching... He shuddered.
"I'm..." Germany searched for the right word to use. "Confused," he finished, unsure if he had managed to put his feelings into words.
Austria cocked his head to the right. The other nation had never shared his anything with him before - apart from a bed, but that was inconsequential - and the sudden turn of events created a tiny sense if dread within him. He knew that it should not be so, that he should not have felt that way. After all, it was always a good thing whenever the hero started sharing his feelings with the heroine in the sappy romance novels he had recently started reading in a bid to lighten his mood. But he wasn't a heroine of a novel. He was a man. He was a nation. Above all, he was Austria. Never in his life did he hate who he was with such burning passion and it came as a great shock to himself. He wondered how it would be like to be human. To be free from constantly having to bend to another's will, to be free from forming alliances that hurt more than helped. To be able to love freely... He felt tears rush to his eyes and forcefully held them back.
Germany looked at Austria and he wished that he was looking at a man, just another person instead of a fellow nation. For a moment, it appeared as if it was so but it was just a fleeting instance - within seconds, it was gone. "I don't know where the war is going," he murmured, hand sliding slightly lower on the Austrian's back. "I don't know what he wants any more," the German closed his eyes, thinking of his last meeting with his ruler.
Austria opened his mouth to reply, then decided against it. After all, since the Moscow Declaration had been issued by the Allies, Germany seemed to have been placed under a tremendous amount of stress and it showed whenever he visited. Austria wondered if some part of him was starting to victimise himself. Did Germany actually force himself upon him back then, when he had declared Anschluss? Or had he been a willing party, welcoming the pain because inexplicably, it had come to be roughly equivalent to pleasure? He supposed that there was no real answer to the question for after all, it had seemed that Anschluss was almost inevitable, given how Germany was expanding at that point of time and the fact that he had not done much to prevent it meant that maybe, he was equally to blame for his current predicament.
"I don't know what to do," Germany admitted softly, in a voice that sounded painfully foreign to Austria. The German sounded as if he was... Scared. And it terrified Austria, because all his life, he had never seen, or for the matter, heard him sound that way.
The brunette thought of what he had known of the blonde. He knew how in the middle of the night, he would wake up, shift to his side and stretch, then drape a leg over him before falling asleep again. He knew how many cubes of sugar he liked in his coffee, knew how much he could drink before he got terribly drunk. He knew how he hated it when anyone tried to mess up his hair, he knew how he hated to be disturbed while doing paperwork, he knew all about his habits, likes and dislikes but with a terrible pang in his heart, he knew how he had never truly known him, for the German had never shared his thoughts and feelings with him. Thoughts and feelings. Then again, it wasn't as if he was someone important to him in the first place. Who was he? Just a toy, perhaps. A toy that had been lucky enough to keep his interest for so long. But they were countries - what were a few years? A paltry amount of time that usually didn't matter, compared to how long they had been living, like how his thoughts and feelings probably didn't matter to Germany.
"Does it matter?" Austria asked softly and Germany froze, taken aback by his question. The brunette then realised that he had spoken the words aloud, much to his embarrassment. "Sorry," he apologised hastily.
"No, you're right," Germany mused as he led Austria into yet another twirl and back into the routine of the box step again. "Maybe it doesn't really matter. Because even if I worry about it, I can't change anything. I can't do anything in reality. I'll still have to obey," his voice shook a little and a shiver ran down Austria's spine.
In that moment, Germany sounded as if he was like him, as if he was one who was bound by circumstance to obey. Austria wondered if it was a sick new way to humiliate him, by making him think that deep down, they were both the same only to show his superiority later, pushing him deeper into the hole that he was already in. He brushed the thought aside as Germany reached for his cheek and stroked it tenderly. Startled, he backed away, only to have the blonde move closer.
"Though I can't do anything about the future, I think I can do something to change the present," Germany 's voice was smooth like velvet as he pressed his lips to Austria's in a gentle kiss.
Austria's instincts told him to run away but the German's arms around him held him in place. He stood rooted to the ground, immobilised as the blonde deepened the kiss ever so slightly before breaking it.
"Austria," the green eyed man whispered, voice hoarse with desire, perhaps. "You're mine," he said quietly, with conviction as his thumb traced the other nation's jaw.
"I know," the violet eyed man avoided his gaze. How many times had the German said it? He couldn't remember but he knew he didn't need to be reminded of it. I have always been yours, he thought silently as the blonde's thumb ghosted over his cheekbones.
"No, you don't understand," the German's brow furrowed as uncertainty clouded his usually clear blue eyes.
Austria met his gaze and held it. "I do," he replied steadily.
The blonde shook his head. He wanted to tell Austria how much he loved him, how much he hated it whenever he had to hurt him and how he had never meant to do so but was he even in the position to say those words? In the end, he settled for planting a chaste kiss on the brunette's forehead, hoping that he understood what he was trying to say.
"You don't have to treat me kindly," the brunette said in a whisper. "That way, I wouldn't know how your cruelty feels like because I'll have nothing to compare it against."
Germany felt a part of him die when he heard those words. "No, Austria, I-"
"You're not coming back, right?" the violet eyed man, cut him off, smiling sadly.
"No, but-"
"Then this is good enough for me," he nodded, placing his hand on the German's chest and leaned forward, brushing his lips against the blonde's.
The blue eyed man returned the kiss hungrily, but the Austrian was maddeningly patient and the kiss deepened no further, until Germany caressed a sensitive spot on the brunette's back, causing him to moan. As his lips parted, the blonde's tongue slipped in to taste his mouth properly for the first time.
To Germany, Austria tasted exquisite and divine. His lips tasted of tea and cake, of things that belonged to a lazy, peaceful afternoon. The thought stung Germany as his tongue touched the roof of the Austrian's mouth. Austria didn't belong in a war like this. He wanted to look after him, protect him and keep him safe, somewhere away from pain, away from the selfish desires of the rest of the world but evidently, it was impossible. Maybe, just maybe, he didn't deserve to have the Austrian so he had to find some way to capture him so as to be able to possess his beauty, grace, everything. Maybe, by leaving, it would be for the best, for he would finally be free, away from him... And maybe, for Germany, this was enough as well.
Austria broke the kiss, shocked. "You weren't supposed to... I..."
Germany took his hand. It felt so small and tiny in his rough, calloused palm even though Austria's hands were never that small to begin with. "You've grown thinner," he looked up at the brunette, who merely shrugged. In some ways, he looked like a shell of his former self and that flame that once burned brightly in those beautiful violet orbs was now reduced to little sparks. Almost. With a pang in his heart, Germany realised that indeed, him leaving before the flame that he had fallen in love with burned out was probably for the best because perhaps, when the war was over - presuming that it would end - maybe it would burn brightly again and maybe, if the Austrian would allow it, they could be toge-
"War does this to everyone," the Austrian replied with thinly veiled contempt for the conflict they were still embroiled in, breaking Germany's train of thought.
The blonde cringed as he led Austria to the guest bedroom. There was something different this time - or maybe it was just because it was going to be the last time he did this - that made him feel slightly uncomfortable. There was something strange about this encounter, maybe it was the way Austria was complying but he didn't know for sure. As he sat down on the bed and pulled the brunette down on to his lap, he brushed away a stray lock of hair from the violet eyed man's face.
Austria found himself at a loss of words as Germany laid his head against his chest, head nuzzling in the crook of his neck. "Germany?" he asked, running his hands through the German's silvery blonde hair.
"Austria, I..." he began, looking up at the brunette. He had to say it, if he didn't, there probably wouldn't be another chance to say it again, but somehow the words were caught in his throat. There was an almost helpless look in his sapphire eyes as he tried again. "Austria, I... I lov-"
This time, the violet eyed man silenced him with a finger to his lips. "Don't say such things," he applied more pressure as the German started to protest. "It makes you sound as if you care," there was a hint of bitterness in his voice that wasn't lost to the blonde.
Germany grabbed Austria's hand, pulling it aside and with his other hand, angled his head downwards and captured his lips in a heated kiss. The brunette tried to resist but it was futile as the blonde's tongue entered his mouth. He reached for the buttons of the Austrian's shirt and undid them, fingers reaching to tease the hardened nubs on his chest, causing him to moan into the kiss, allowing Germany better access.
Somehow, Austria felt fragile and vulnerable in Germany's arms. Despite how he had tried to break the brunette each time he attempted to possess him, this time, he was determined to treat him with care. The blonde removed the brunette's shirt, flinging it across the floor and his hips bucked forward, grinding his arousal against the Austrian's.
The brunette felt his cheeks colour rapidly as he kissed a trail down the sapphire eyed man's neck, removing his shirt at the same time. When he flicked his tongue over the German's collarbone, the blonde moaned and ground harder against him. Within seconds, clothing was shed, discarded all over the room and Austria's glasses was placed by the bedside as he went down on Germany, licking at the tip of his erection. He swirled his tongue on it, dipping into the slit before sucking at it while his fingers traced intricate patterns across the underside.
"Hang on," Germany muttered as he sat up and fumbled with his trousers that had been thrown aside. Looking slightly embarrassed, he pulled out a small bottle of oil from his pocket. "Here," he handed it to Austria, looking at the bed sheets instead of at the brunette.
The Austrian wondered if the German had visited merely for this purpose and if the earlier exchange of words were mere pleasantries. He shuddered as he uncorked the bottle and let the scented oil coat his long, slender fingers. Taking a deep breath, he bent forward and reached for his entrance but was stopped by Germany. He frowned.
The blonde shook his head as he parted his legs and guided Austria's fingers to his entrance, who stared at him, dumbfounded. "Go on," Germany gave a small nod as he brought the Austrian's hand closer.
The violet eyed man gulped nervously, unsure of what the blonde was trying to do. When he brushed a finger across the German's entrance and slowly eased past the tight ring of muscle, finding his sweet spot, the sapphire eyed man's hips jerked forward and a soft cry of pleasure was torn from his lips. The brunette did his best to ignore all thoughts of Germany's true intentions as he added a second digit, probing, scissoring and stretching his entrance for what was to come. He paused momentarily, taking in the sight of the German writhing underneath him in ecstasy and for a moment, he felt overwhelmed by the power he had over him. Or rather, the illusion of the power he thought he had over him. A tiny wry smile graced his lips as he poured a generous amount of oil over his hardened length, slicking it up. Spreading Germany's legs a little further, Austria removed his fingers and slowly entered him.
"D-does it hurt?" the brunette asked, feeling rather anxious, self-consciousness creeping into his voice.
Germany shook his head as the Austrian thrust slightly deeper. The blonde arched forward as the violet eyed man hit the sweet spot within him. He had never known how good it would feel and the pleasure was mind blowing but even so, his mind told him that the next time - if there was even a next time to begin with - he would be the one dominating the brunette... But wasn't he dominating him already? Even as he felt the brunette withdraw and he moaned from the loss of contact, something within him knew that somehow, he was still in control of the situation.
Austria knew it, maybe more clearly than Germany did. Some part of him felt humiliated, for it seemed as if the blonde had been orchestrating the entire scenario all along, and yet... There was something about the raw and spontaneous reactions of the German that told him that the turn of events that night was completely unexpected. He leaned forward to plant a kiss on the sapphire eyed man's neck and licked at his collarbone while withdrawing so that only his tip was inside him. Germany whimpered as Austria's kisses went lower until he was licking at a hardened nub, teasing gently with his tongue as he sheathed himself fully within him again. He gripped the Austrian's shoulders so hard that angry red crescents were forming on his alabaster skin as the brunette increased the speed of his thrusting and reached for the blonde, stroking his leaking tip, encircling it with his fingers.
"Austria, I," Germany began, panting heavily as Austria scraped his fingernails lightly against the underside of the blonde's length, then returned to his tip, rubbing slowly in small, concentric circles. "I'm..." he groaned and shuddered as the brunette's fingers teased his slit while thrusting hard and fast into him, hitting that magic spot each time.
"Shh," Austria whispered, voice husky, nipping at the sapphire eyed man's earlobe and as the blonde rode out the waves of his climax, he kissed him, muffling his cries of pleasure.
The brunette felt his climax follow soon after and moved to pull out immediately but Germany pulled him closer and thrust his tongue into his his mouth as the Austrian spilled his seed within him. The violet eyed man pulled out as the blonde broke the kiss, cheeks burning in mortification.
"Austria," Germany wrapped his arms around the brunette's waist, lying languidly against him. He wished that he could stay in the moment forever, he wished that he didn't have to leave even though he knew how futile the thought was but deep down, he wished that the Austrian returned his feelings. He did not dare to mention it, in fear that the brunette would look at him with disdain if he told him about it, and yet... He sighed as he kissed the violet eyed man's jaw.
"Please," Austria's voice was a soft, plaintive cry and Germany found himself stunned as Austria snuggled closer, burying his head against his chest. He loved the blonde with every fibre of his being and he supposed that it didn't matter if Germany was merely using him any more, it didn't even matter if he didn't care, all he wanted was for him to stay, even if it was just a little bit longer. "Don't leave..."
"I won't," Germany whispered, stroking the brunette's hair. "Don't worry, I won't..."
Germany seemed to fall asleep soon after, but even in his arms, with his promise of staying, Austria found himself afflicted with insomnia and he lay awake, staring at the ceiling for hours.
When Germany felt certain that the Austrian was asleep, he extracted himself from the embrace and as quietly as he could, left his side.
"I'm sorry, Roderich..." he took a last, lingering look at the brunette's sleeping form and silently, slipped out of the room.
This time, Austria's uncontrollable tears lulled him into a deep slumber.
a/n: cross posted to the hetalia kink meme. i hope you enjoyed this as much as i enjoyed writing it.