Comment vas-tu?
NOTICE: This story is just pure, unfiltered crack mostly written around 1 in the morning. As my access to Wi-Fi is horrendously unstable, I've been spending time writing stuff in advance, so don't worry about the update to I Brought You My Bullets. It's coming. Anyways, I somehow managed to find a spot where I could upload this, and you should expect an update on IBYMB in a few days.
Please do enjoy and comment. I already have plans for the States, but suggestions and reviews are more than welcome. Seriously, that would be pretty awesome. Like, really really awesome. Gilbert Beilschmidt awesome.
-kat
The day was sunny and bright, with birds and flowers and lush grass as far as the eye could see. The breeze pleasantly ruffled through everyone's hair. Lovely blue skies were dotted with pale clouds. It was a day to be outside and alive, but that daydream was quickly cut short….by the World Conference.
Ugh, America thought. Normally, on a day like today, he'd be outside playing baseball and football, maybe frolicking around in the grass while drinking a Coca-Cola or eating a burger, but it seemed like the nations had other plans. Since they deemed that he was doing absolutely nothing when it came to working on renewable energy (which was so untrue), they had decided they'd bring the meeting to him. So now, a historically renowned town hall somewhere in Delaware was crammed with a truckload of rowdy nation personifications who were trying to get something done, albeit kind of failing. Not a complete failure; just a tad, as Iggy would say.
In general, the topic of renewable energy was a sore spot for both Germany and Japan, especially when Estonia brought up nuclear energy as an option. America personally agreed with the idea; if the nations actually tried to put cash into researching nuclear energy, they could make it so much safer. Also, no coal, which the others were constantly hounding him about. But Germany had angrily tossed his cuppa' joe on the floor (there goes the prized carpet) when France brought up the subject and raged about how even the verdammt lights in the room were powered on thyroid cancer. Japan had looked mildly irritated with the entire process, even quasi-disagreeing with America's opinions at one point. After that, everyone had uneasily glanced at Ukraine and Belarus and their patchy rashes from Chernobyl. So, of course, the "conversation" quickly spiked into chaos afterwards, with Veneziano sobbing about ravioli and Russia hinting at a nuclear WWIII after only about 15 minutes.
Jeez. America just couldn't get a break, could he?
Eventually, France got frustrated with the constant bashing on his use of nuclear energy and decided to feed England the finest airport-convenience-store rum he could find. The Baltic Trio had started to slowly inch out of the room at the mere mention of Iggy's sexy waiter getup, and America was pretty sure Poland hadn't even bothered to show up. Like, really. He's totes serious, hon, because, like, he hasn't seen the dude in at least six months. Totes. Come to think of it, he was probably just skipping the meeting for kicks, which was probably wise of the European nation. Just look at that all-American weather! Look! America just wanted to leap out of the window and never return. Maybe he and Kentucky could go get some bourbon and KFC after. This was pretty decent chicken weather, America had to admit, though it would obviously never hold the place Micky D's did in his cholesterol-clogged heart.
Anyways, Poland and fried chicken aside, America woke up from his weird thoughts to see something even weirder. It was like a badly filmed strip club scene that was only in a movie to make the trailer look passable, with Iggy expertly table-dancing and Japan DJing as Veneziano and Romano did some weird brotherly dance routine. And on the table…...was that….wait…..
Holy shit. It was Spanish wine, also known as the poison that makes Spain kill moving things with his bare hands. Where the hell did France get all this liquor? The last time all of the nations had partied under one roof was after the last World Conference, which had ended in the Nordics completely destroying the building. Needless to say, America now knew that a hammered Finland and Norway spelled a lot of gay overtones, sexual frustration, and wanton destruction. Dammit, whose idea was it to host the meeting in Delaware? He was America's first state and probably one of his favorites, and now Spain would probably go into an alcohol-fueled rage and make a permanent mark on the landscape. Obviously and unfortunately, Romano was too wimp to stop him (and in all honesty, so was America). Besides, he was busy with that drunk dance routine.
A moment of inflection made him cringe; how long had America zoned out? Chri- Jeez, he had missed a lot. KFC didn't take up that much space in his brain…..did it?
Apparently, it really did. In a flash, he noticed three things that he really should have noticed half an hour ago. One, Japan seemed to be incredibly wasted and was playing two Korean EDM songs over each other while he sucked face with Greece. Two, England was now wearing only a bowtie and argyle socks as he did some strange things to a plate; it looked like France was getting people to pay cash for blackmail material to use. And three, his oldest state stood in the doorway, eyes wide and mouth agape. He had a kindhearted look to him that would probably be more obvious if it wasn't for the current situation; Delaware looked even more mature than America at times.
"Kesesese~" cackled Prussia, who had somehow gotten into the "Nations ONLY" meeting. "Now that I have these embarrassing photographs of a world power doing indecent things to China's best porcelain, my collection is complete!" Somewhere in the background, you could hear a faint shriek as Russia dragged the old Asian nation away.
Poor, poor, Delaware. And this was just the beginning.
America gingerly picked his way through a throng of countries in an attempt to get to the state, trying to avoid Switzerland (who was desperately attempting to shield Liechtenstein's "innocence") and the damn Nordics. God, what was Denmark doing? Didn't he learn anything from Norway's drug-fueled rant on various topics which weren't exactly appropriate for the rating of this fanfiction? Hungary seemingly popped out of nowhere and snapped several shots of the two at compromising angles while vigorously texting Japan images. America was pretty sure the guy was too hammered to adequately understand anything, but it was still a nice gesture on Hungary's part. As Japan's Twitter bio read, "Yaoi is always welcome."
Finally, after what seemed like five minutes to travel a 30-foot distance, America reached the quivering state in the corner. He was in a flannel and light pants, with glasses perched on his nose and thick eyebrows above them. Just the sight of them made Arthur smile; he had obviously gotten them from England (who was still table-dancing with various inanimate objects). However, the expression on Delaware's face was enough to make him frown again, and the fact that Korea was trying to have a shouting match with Japan in the background by screaming "da-ze~" over and over clearly wasn't doing much to ease his nerves.
"Hey, Delly, my man! What's up?"
Delaware visibly paled. "America, what is going on? Why are there strange people t-table dancing in one of my city halls?!"
"Uh, well, you know how we nations have World Conferences every so often?"
"Oh, Lord."
"Well, they may or may not have tried to stage an intervention for me about my sucky taste in renewable energy, and they all came to your town hall. But everything's fine, Delly, the hero will save the day!" America grinned radiantly, while Delaware just facepalmed.
"I'd kill to be Pennsylvania right now."
The nation frowned. "Are you in Northern Delaware mode right now, young man?" The state had a very dual-sided personality; Northern Delaware was often irritated, worrying, and stating that he was Pennsylvania, while Southern Delaware (or "Slower Lower", as the state referred to himself) was a very relaxed country hick who often showed up forty minutes late to mundane events. America didn't know why they weren't two separate entities like the Italy brothers, and (frankly) he was kind of glad it wasn't a thing. Delly was a sweet hassle he had raised and learned to love, but if there were two of him….. Well, America would take his chances with the drunk Nordics any day.
"Not Delaware, Pennsylvania…..and I'm only two years younger than you," the state muttered, but he let it slide. "If this was for a World Conference, then why is everyone destroying a historical building? Can you please relocate them to a different state?"
America sighed. "Ugh, Delly, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure they'll be leaving anytime soon. Look at the Italy brothers." The state blanched and averted his eyes. "Besides, it shouldn't be as bad as last time, when Iceland and Hong Kong almost had sex on the table just to spite Norway's paranoid and drunk ass."
"..."
Delaware sighed and turned to leave. "Well, I really hope it won't come down to that, America," he remarked, a twinge of annoyance in his voice. "Just make su-"
The state suddenly stopped midsentence and very, very, very slowly turned around. America grinned. It looked like he was transitioning into Slower Lower; good! Maybe he'd forget all about the current nations-are-all-drunk-and-kind-of-depressed-because-of-their-tanking-economies situation in favor of tractor driving, and America wouldn't have to explain to Northern Delaware/"Pennsylvania" why his precious town hall was covered in expensive wine and faux fur. That would undoubtedly happen within the next ten minutes, which meant that America needed to get the oldest state out of there before he saw any incriminating evidence, possibly right now.
But of course, good ol' Delly had other plans.
"Pops!" he grinned, tugging off his glasses and cramming them in the pockets of his flannel. His voice was slow and comfortably drawn out. "You know what all you nations should do?"
America grinned again. Slower Lower was great. "What should we all do, Delly?"
"Hit the sands of Dewey Beach, you know? I have a pig farm by there…." The state just stared into the distance, a grin growing on his face. "Hog-callin' is my callin'. Innit yours, too? Aw, hell, I dunno 'bout that pale guy with the lead pipe in the corner-" At the mention of Russia, America blanched unhealthily. "But I have an inkling some of them might like sand-crabbing like the rest of us Delawareans, you know?"
In the background, America could clearly hear France's obnoxious laugh, and he regretfully smiled at his state. "I'm not too sure that's an option right now, Delly, though I haven't been to Dewey Beach in forever. Dude, we've gotta go sometime, and maybe I can bring Iggy. When he isn't doing explicit things to the tablecloth…. Anyways, why'd you come here?"
Slower Lower shrugged. "I think Northern Delaware wanted to discuss something with you about…." He shrugged again. "Aw, hell, I don't remember. It didn't make a lick of sense, though. Somethin' about the states, international whatsit, you know? That kinda business. Something kinda boring, you know."
"That's okay," America grinned, "because I wasn't planning on getting bored anytime soon. Care to hang with us, Delly?" He decided to extend the invitation; by now, it seemed like the mess about to be made would require a hazmat-suit crew to clean it up. He and Delly might as well have some fun while it lasted. Northern Delaware/"Pennsylvania" would have to wait.
The state cracked his knuckles. "Naw, Pops, I gotta go get my tractor before someone tows it. But it was nice talkin' to you and seeing some of the nations. We should hang out by Dewey sometime. Anyways, see you 'round. Good luck with the nations, and tell Iggy hi for me!"
America grinned and waved. "Have a nice day, Slower Lower."
"You too, Pops."
As soon as the doors shut again, America turned towards his (mostly) friends, only to realize everything was dead silent as they all stared at him. Even Japan, who he swore was just chugging Vietnamese rice liquor like a boss, was watching him curiously.
"America-san….. Who was that?"