I'm calling, screaming
it feels like I'm suffocating

CASTIEL!

CASTIEL!

PLEASE CASTIEL!

It's so dark here…It's cold and I'm all alone, no one to turn to. I can't move, I can't breathe…I'm constantly invaded by Castiel's thoughts and underlying feelings. I keep calling out to him CASTIEL!, but he refuses to listen. Instead, he pushes me deeper and deeper down into my own subconscious…sooner or later he will push me out completely, and I will no longer be Jimmy Novak.

Jimmy Novak…that's my name. This body is mine…this soul is mine…this mind…I can't let it disappear forever…I can't let myself disappear.

I don't think Castiel knew, that when he used my body as a vessel, that I too – my very soul – would be trapped in here with him…pleading and begging for him to let me out. Not to let me out into another human host – no, that would be hideous, but to let me go, into Heaven like he promised me.

I'm so cold…

Are you going to say Grace Daddy?

No hunny, not today…not today…

Not today…and not ever. I'm suffocating here. All I want to do is see my wife and daughter again…just one hug…one kiss. And then I would be free. I would happily die knowing I have seen them for one last time…just one more time.

Do you know how it feels to be constantly shoved deeper into your subconscious…to not even be able to move, or cry out, or smile?

I can see through Castiel's eyes as if I was looking through my own. I can see the fights he succeeds in, the conversations he has with the Winchester brothers, and the blinding, torturous light of these angels…their voice piercing and hurting my ears…but I have to remember they are not my ears…they are Castiel's.

Heaven…when I see it, I just yearn to reach out, to be accepted under the will of God. My hands…well the hands I see here, stretch out, but as soon as I feel I am breaking free, Castiel rushes back to Earth, and I am returned…looking back to the land I know, and am destined to know forever…trapped here inside this….my vessel.

I FEEL, CASTIEL! PLEASE LET ME GO!

I feel every step Castiel takes…I feel every movement of his face as he talks to his friends…I feel every single wound that Castiel endures – a stab wound to the stomach here, a bullet wound to the leg there…every single wound I feel and have to endure, whilst this angel…this angel who has invaded my body heals himself and doesn't feel any pain at all.

This isn't heaven…giving yourself away to the angels…this is my own little personal Hell…no…this is Hell.

Please Cas…

Please help me…