A/N: I was given a challenge by a friend and I too it running. I don't own Archer or anything related- would be fun if I did Though. Everything owned by whoever owns it. All mistakes are my own.
Now… On to the fun. *clink*
"How was I supposed to know, MOTHER?" Archer stood in the middle of Main Street shouting at Malory who had her arms crossed over her chest, a small bottle of liquor that she had snuck into the theme park grasped in one of her hands.
"We told you not to touch it Archer. But did you listen? NOOOooo.. Sterling Archer knows EVERYTHING!" Lana shouted at him from behind him. "You never listen to a damn thing anyone has to say but you. Even then you don't even listen."
"Really Lana? We're gonna go there? If you hadn't been so busy hitting on Prince Eric, who would never sleep with someone with such freakishly large hands by the way, when we got here, we'd have figured out what was going on already. Then I could have finished setting up that…" Archer countered.
Lana rolled her eyes at him while cutting him off. "Really Archer, You're going to go there? Do you really think that a group of princesses would have really done THAT with YOU? They have better taste than that."
"If you both are quite finished," Malory interrupted the both of them. "We need to get Krieger on the phone and fix whatever happened when Archer se-"
"MOM!"
"OK, fine, when WHOEVER set that bomb off. I'm not spending the rest of my life looking like something off of RuPaul's Drag Race." She spread her arms open to demonstrate her point.
"Heh, heh, heh, mom, you look ridiculous. It's actually kind of gross. Its almost grosser than Lana." Archer laughed.
"Oh haha. Have you seen yourself? If your tits were any bigger, you'd tear that shirt." Lana defended.
"Dude, I have seen myself. Its pretty epic. Though these things are kind of a pain in the ass. I hope I can still shoot with them in the way. And damn, are they heavy." Archer cupped and played with his chest for a minute while looking down at them. "I make a way better woman than you do a man."
"Oh, what ever. Can we please get on with this? I'd like to have my body back sometime soon. I hate to say it but I actually agree with your mom." Lana countered before pulling at the hem of her skirt.
Pulling a phone out of the same bag she had stored the liquor in and pressing a few buttons, she took a long pull from the bottle while it rang, for once glad she wasn't going to be on e the business end of one of her son's ludicrous voicemail messages. Archer snatched the phone away from her as she continued to drink.
A couple of rings more and Archer started talking.
"Krieger, we have a problem," he started, "We have a, oh ha hah thats hilarious, it's Archer stupid. No I will not send you a, SHUT UP. Listen. A bomb went off and now were all opposite." he paused for a moment listening before he continued, "Yeah, they're pretty big. But we need to fix this. Mom and Lana are being pissy because…"
Lana snatches the phone from Archer and gets to business. "OK, so look, we all swapped. Archer is a woman and Malory and I are men, It looks like everyone else in the park is the same. Kinda awkward seeing dudes running around in sundresses and heels. What can you do to fix it?" A pause before continuing, "No, I don't KNOW what was in the bomb. If I did, then I wouldn't have needed to call you, dumbass."
Krieger's now pitchy voice could be heard over the line. "Don't call me a dumbs if you want my help. I don't know how to fix something I didn't know was possible… Though not that I haven't, nevermind."
Lana made an irritated sound before she continued. "Look, I'm going to send you a picture of the thing that I got before ARCHER set the damn thing off. Look and see what you can make of it then call us back when you have an idea. We're going to see if we can't just figure out who threatened the senator's family and brought of to this god forsaken place." She jammed the end call button and threw the phone back at Malory who had finished the bottle of alcohol. "Happiest place on Earth my ass" she mumbled.
Marching off down Mainstreet towards Cinderella's castle, she grabbed Archer's arm to make him follow her.
"Lana, hands off the suit, this thing costs more than you make in a year." Archer complained pulling himself from her grip.
"Look Archer, we need to finish this job, get Krieger to fix whatever the hell you did when you set off that bomb and then MAYBE I can start to forgive you for the whole damn mess.
"Um, OK, but that bomb wouldn't have gone off if YOU would have just let m"
"Goddamnit! SHUT UP. Stop making excuses and lets get this over with." Lana demands.
"Fine. So who could be behind something like this. Its not like its a coincidence that we're here to protect some senator's brats and this bomb being here today. I'm mean, really, Its ridiculous, about as ridiculous in that skirt, by the way." He answers and gestures at her.
Lana and Archer approach the castle, but instead of going up over the bridge, she takes a detour towards a door marked 'Cast Only', she opens it and they both head into the darkness under the castle.
"Lana, where are we going?" Archer asked groping in the near blackness of the tunnel.
"I'm not wearing this dress with this body any longer than I have to. And I really don't need to see you in that stupid suit." Lana grabbed him and dragged him along to the dressing room she knew had to be there somewhere.
"What do you mean stupid? This suit cos-"
"More than I make in a year, Shut up Archer. We need to fit in if we're going to get this job done." Lana interrupted.
"OK, fine, but i'm not giving up my tactineck." He answered. A moment later Lana smacked him. "OW! What the hell Lana?!"
"Just shut up and we'll get through thi-" Lana stopped as they entered a huge dressing room full of racks of costumes. "-s. Finally. I knew it was here."
Lana approached the prince's costume rack at the same time Archer did. She shoved him towards one of the several racks filled with princess dresses, laughing inwardly to herself as he paused when he realized what she was wordlessly telling him.
"No Lana. I am Not. No happening." Archer stood frozen to the floor not moving any closer to the dresses.
Lana had picked an outfit that appeared to be the right size off the rack and was heading towards the changing screen when she started yelling at Archer.
"You have to. You can't wear a prince uniform if your a girl. It doesn't work like that. Just grab a damn dress and lets get this done with." She was sliding into the grey pants of Prince Eric's costume. "And don't take all, oh how the fuck do you guys manage with this damn thing?"
"Lana." Archer complained. Lana stepped out from behind the screen pulling the shirt over her head and once she'd pulled it down, saw Archer still standing where she'd left him.
"Goddamit Archer." Lana strode over to one of the racks, grabbed a hanger and shoved the costume towards him as he stood. He seemed to snap out of the shock he was in standing there and went behind the screen to change.
"Lana, why the hell did you pick this one?" he sniped at her.
"Oh please, at least it has pants." She snarked back at him.
Lana could hear him moving behind the screen, thankful for a moment that he had stopped bitching at her. Until she realized he was too quiet. Moving around to see what he was doing, she was only slightly surprised to see him playing with his breasts again.
"Archer! Jesus, can we please just get going? Put your damn shirt on!"
Across the park, Figgis and Gillette were sitting on a bench watching the senator and his kids as they rode on the carousel.
"Thank god we don't actually have to be on that damn thing. The music makes me want to scratch my eyeballs out" Gillette complained out loud.
"Oh c'mon Ray, you can't tell me you never wanted to come here as a kid? Its the most magical place in the world." Cyril asked in response.
Turning to actually grace Cyril with a look of disdain, he answered. "No, Figgis, I didn't. Growing up in the backwoods of West Virginia trying not to be killed by the rest of my family, it wasn't really a dream vacation that crossed my mind."
"Oh." Responded Cyril then changed the topic as he noticed the family moving away from the carousel and towards Its a Small World.
"Oh wonderful. We get to go on one of the most obnoxious rides invented. Where the heck are Archer and Lana and why aren't they living through this hell?"
"Uh, Last I knew they were meeting with Malory about a bomb or something. Though that was probably useless, since that cloud of sparkle came through and everyone is switched. Which, is really weird having breasts. Lana's are nicer." Cyril plodded.
"Oh just great. Though if we switched, then that mean's Lana probably doesn't have tits anymore." He watched Cyril's face drop.
In Frontierland, Katya was in her Peter Pan costume while the now female Barry was squeezing into the Tinkerbell outfit she had given him.
"Really, Katya? Is this necessary?"
"Da. Eet is necessary. Now dat he is a woman, he can know my pain. Zee pain of being woman." Katya explained.
They walked out of the room, her explaining more of the plan. They moved amongst the confused people in the park. Some seemed unsurprised by the change while most seemed thrown for a loop and walked along in a daze.
Katya and Barry walked towards the castle where they hoped to get a jump on Archer before heading to take out the Senator.