Summary: Ulquiorra was in love with a cat. An oblivious kitty, who had eyes for no one but Ilforte. Aizen and Gin take the matter into their highly capable, moisterized hands, and all hell breaks loose! Ulquiorra x Grimmjow, Ilforte x Szayel, Grimmjow x Ilforte (one sided), Aizen x Gin, Yammy x Ulquiorra (one-sided).

CHAPTER ONE:

'I. Am. Going. Mental.'

'I. Am. Going. Very. Very. Insane.'

'Very. Very. Very—GAH!' Ulquiorra broke his train of thought by uprooting the train tracks and sobbed inwardly. How many days had it been?

Things were going wrong—like on the entire WRONG path of life. Case point: He was rapidly becoming frank with Ichimary Gin of all people.

The silver-haired shinigami patted him on the back consolingly. "Yaare, 'arre. You're so love-sick."

If Ulquiorra didn't agree whole heartedly to this statement, he would have glared at the man for saying it so casually.

He sniffed. Aizen wondered what had happened to his favorite Espada. From the cold, cutting monster he used to be, Ulquirorra was sniffing and sighing like Hinamori used to. He might have found it cute—except for the fact that this was Ulquiorra he was talking about. Ulquiorra sniffling was scary beyonds the boundaries of the world he hoped to create.

What could have turned the efficient Espada into the pitifu thing he was now?

Easy answer. Stero sytems he had bought for all his Espada in a fit of paternal sentiment. That and the fact that Ulquiorra's room was so close to Grimmjow's that it deified all laws od logic. Why would the sixth be close to the fourth?

Well, aside from the fact that the right side of the hall had even numbers and the left had odd.

What did stero sytems and the way his rooms were planned have to do with the sniffling mess in front of him, again?

He watched Gin prance around Ulquiorra, giving useless suggestions and throughly enjoying himself.

"What are ya going to do?" He asked, lips barely moving from his Gin-grin.

Ulquiorra stared at him blankly. "I don't know."

That's it. If Uquiorra said 'I don't know', it was the end of the world. A-POC-O-LYPSE.

And a bigger one than Aizen had created when he betrayed Soul Society with his lover.....and someone of no particualr emotional value to him (Tousen).

What had happened to his dear, efficient Ulquiorra?

Grimmjow had happened, that was what. It only took a little incident, once little prank from Szayel, music blaring out of the room, and lack of clothes to make Ulquiorra blush for the first time in his life.

Szayel had decieded that he wanted to see Grimmjow in a towel, so he'd nicked his clothes while Sexta was in the shower, and ran off, leaving the room door open.

Grimmjow opened the door of the bathroom, with his towel wrapped around his waist ('Sexy Back' playing from the speakers) only to find his entire wardrobe vanished into thin air!

Growling, the over-grown cat had come out of his room, hollering that he was going to murder Szayel when he got his hands on him. Ulqiorra had paused reading his Harry Potter books long enough to poke his head out the door....and nearly had a heart-attack and died of nose bleed.

Grimmjow, the macho, I-don't-care-who-sees-my-sexy-ass Grimmjow, merely held tigher onto his slipping towel and raced off to beat Szayel into a bloody pulp with the same lack of clothes.

Aizen sighed. He knew Grimmjow's human-size form was too sexy for his own good. Stark and Ulquiorra wern't far behind, but the Sexta's teal eyes just seemed to have an attractive luster to them that even Ulquoirra couldn't resist.

In fact, if Gin wasn't going to send him guilt-tripping with his fox-look, he would considered Grimmjow for himself. As it was, if the silver-haired man even caught him looking at anyone else for more than a second, he would have to sleep alone that night.

Urahara had once said how 'whipped' Aizen was. He wished he knew what that meant....

"I think I'm disturbing you..." Ulquiorra said, and got up to leave, but was pushed back down by Gin. "Oh no! You're not disturin' us! We don't sleep at three in the mornin', do we, Aizen-sama?"

"Was that supposed to be sarcasm, Gin?" He asked.

"No! We don't! We do other stuff, right, Aizen-sama?"

Ulquiorra pouted more.

Gin patted him on the head. "Don't ya worry. Soon, you'll be up 'till three with Grimmy too."

Ulquiorra sniffed again, then stood up. "I must be leaving now. Thank you, Gin, Aizen-sama." He bowed and left the room. When his sniffs were no longer audible, Gin leapt in the bed and wormed his way close to Aizen's chest.

"You enjoy teasing the poor boy, don't you?"

"Teasin'! I wasn't!" Gin mock-gasped. "I was.....just....enjoyin' his misery."

The lord of Hueco Mondo brushed a few strands of white hair out of Gin's face. Smiling, "You know you're a sadist, don't you?"

"Ya know ya love me."

"I don't think you can prove that, Gin." Aizen smiled serenely, enen though his voice was enchoing with mirth.

Gin kicked, and after a moment, Aizen's blood-shot, tearing eyes blinked at his lover. His hands shot down to his nether regions.

"Giiinnn...." He moaned.

Ulquiorra paused outside the door.

Wait a minute.

His eyes widened.

No, do NOT wait a minute. He shook his head and flash-stepped to his room.

000

Grimmjow strolled down to breakfast next morning, dressed as he usually did when he didn't feel like wearing white: his human clothes.

There was nothing to do in Hueco Mondo when he too lazy to fight someone, so he went down to the human world with Aizen's-infinite-credit-card.

The first thing he noticed when he walked down to breakfast was everyone staring at him. Then how eveyrone else just sighed as muttered something about his rebellios minsstae, as usual, and how Ulquirra was slowly turning red.

He shrugged. The Cuatro must have choked on a piece of bread or something.

Beside said Cuatro, Gin poked him in the side. "Ulqui!" He hissed, almost laughing.

"I know." Ulquiorra muttered, and purposely shifted his locks so that they covered up as much of his face as possible. He put his fork down slowly, and said, "May I be dismissed now, Aizen-sama?"

Aizen nodded, watching as his lover got up with his Cuatro Espada. Gin looked like he was trying not to laugh.

From across the table Grimmjow raised an eyebrow at the two rising from their unfinished breakfast, and then shoveled another forkful of eggs into his mouth.

Once in the corridor, Gin's grin spread ever larger. "Grimmy looks so cute!"

"Yes..." If Ulquiorra had glasses, he would be pushing them up the bridge of his nose to hide his embarassement. As it was, he merely pinched his nose—no, it was NOT bleeding. Yet.

Oblivious to Ulquiorra's racing pulse, Grimmjow was calmly eating eggs by the truck-load, dressed in his favorite black silk pajamas. There were little blue kittens playing with yarn all over his shirt, which was drawing many giggles form Szayel in the teal-haired Espada's direction.

"Drooling all over Grimmjow isn't going to do me any good right now." Ulquiorra pinched his nose harder. Gin looked awed. "Wow, Ulqui! You're the first person I've seen who actually thinks when they're in love!"

Ulquiorra brushed his shoulders in an expression of pride. "Yes, well, that's just how I am. Next, what to do?"

Gin thought about it for a second. Scratched his head. Wrinkled his nose. Tilted his face. Did Ikkaku's luck-luck dance. Finally, he sighed. "How about you just go and tell him?"

Ulquiorra's eye twitched. "Tell him what?"

"How you're in love in with him and can't wait to get in his pants." Gin grinned.

"Negative." Ulquiorra said spitefully.

"You sure? Grimm was always a guy who liked to get to the point...."

"Really?" Ulqui thought out-loud. Would that mean getting straight to the point in bed too?

Soon after he'd thought this, a whole series of very inappropriate thoughts worthy of Szayel began to cross his mind, and he blushed, trying to hide his face.

It didn't work. "Ulquiiiiiiii.....doncha worry! I'll help you get Grimmy!"

He sighed—what was wrong with him? He never sighed this much!—and thanked Gin.

"But, you can't help me if you don't have a plan." He stated matter-of-factly.

Gin wagged his finger. "Do I ever have a plan? That's Aizen-sama's job!"

"So we should go to him?"

"Nah. He's too busy. Besides, this is my problem!"

"Aren't I the one in 'love' as you and Aizen-sama call it?" Ulquiorra asked, confused.

Gin clamped a hand on his shoulder and spun him around three times before taking off his sash and tying it around Ulquiorra's eyes.

"...Gin?"

"Shush. I'm takin' ya to my personal library."

"Is it really necessary to cover my eyes? I can still sense where you're leading me."

"Have ya no sense of drama, Ulquiorra?"

"....Drama?"

Gin slapped his forehead.

"Just walk, Ulquiorra."

Ulquoirra figured he might as well do what Gin said, because even if he was frank with him now, he could still triple-whip his ass into a can.

"Ta-Da!" Gin slipped his sash off of Ulquiorra's head. It got stuck on the horn and a sound of ripping fabric was heard; Gin was left with shreds of his sash in his hands.

"My....sash!" He sniffed.

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra was too busy looking around his awe.

"Where did this come from?"

"I built it a few years ago..." Gin explained. Ulquiorra shook his head. "No, that!"

Gin's eyes turned red. "Wonderwice...." He growled, pinching his nose at the same time.

Ulquiorra turned away, trying not to inhale. Gin had led Ulquiorra straight into a pile of poo.

It squished as he walked, trying to ignore the smell. After a while, "Gin."

"Huh?"

"What is all this?"

Gin slung a hand over his shoulder. "This, Ulqui, is the most extensive library in all of Hueco Mondo and Soul Society. Ask how."

"How?"

"It's all love stories!"

Ulquiorra groaned. "No."

"Yes! The only way you'll learn how to woo Grimmjow is to read how others have done it!"

"....woo?"

"Yes, woo. Now, choose your pick for today, you can come back tomorrow. In a week, you'll have Grimmjow begging at your feet!"

Before Ulquiorra's mind could show him imagination clips of Grimmjow on the floor infront of him, saying, 'I have nothing to offer you better than my body', Gin slapped him on the back and brought him back to earth.

"So...whddya say?"

He sniffed. Considered his options. Weighted the pros and cons. Looked at the problem from every aspect.

Then....

".....Woo?"

000

Grimmjow sighed, and muttered to himself incoherently.

Illforte was supposed to be out tonight. Like he didn't know what Szayel did those 'brother bonding times' for.

He kicked the wall, and it crashed down on his foot. He quickly slipped his foot out and proceeded to kick another wall. By the time he had reached his room, three entire corridors had been demoislished by 'Grimmjow's-foot-of-doom'.

Or rather, 'Grimmjow's-lovesick-for-Illforte-foot-of-doom'.

Wait a mintue!

He wasn't in love with Illforte!

He refused to beleive it! He could make it go away! Grimmjow Jaggerjack fell in love. Yeah, right.

Like that was ever going to happen. Wussies had crushes, Szayel had crushes, Strawberries and that woman Ulquiorra was looking after had crushes.

Not him.

Nope.

Not at all.

They couldn't prove it! Not at—"Grimmjow-sama." A smooth, silky voice said.

He spun around, already knowing who it was. "Whaddya want?" He asked gruffly.

"I wished to inform you that I am leaving for Octava's quarters now."

Nooooo! Don't go! Grimmjow had to double-slap his ego for wailing like a girl—or worse, like...a girly girl!

You see, not all girls wailed like that—Halibeil had his respect—but there were others, like....say, Luppi or something, who did.

BTW, was Luppi even a girl?

Illforte snapped his fingers infront of Grimmjow's eyes. Grimmjow balked and almost back-pedaled.

The blonde man let out a smile and nodded once before walking past him, leaving the scent of frozen sunflowers.

Not that he had ever smelled sunflowers.

Or ever froze them and then identified their scent.

Not that he had ever gotten close enough to Illforte to smell him. Not that Ilforte had ever let him close enough to smell—Grimmjow clenched his fist. Come on, Grimm! No need to think like that! Be a man! I can do this!

Do what? His concious asked.

Err......smell Ilforte?

You're in looooove. Admit it!

Am not!

Yes you aaaaare.

Stop singing, jackass.

Whaaaat? I caaaaaan't heaaaaar yooooou!

You're in my mind!

Lalalalalaaaa I caaaan't hear yoooou!

Shut up!

Grimmy's in loooooove!

ARGH! By this time Grimmjow had kicked another three walls down.

"Ya know, Grimmy, you should stop kicking walls down. The poor things hurt too, ya know."

This time he didn't bother turning around (He only wanted to see how Ilforte looked before!) and replied a gruff: "Go away, Gin."

"Aww! That's not how to reply ta someone who came this far away to greet ya!"

"Your room is five minutes away."

"I crawled."

Grimmjow sweat-dropped for a mintue, and decided never, ever, ever in his like to try and figure Gin out.

Gin flash-stepped in front of the teal-haired Espada. "Hmm...." He said, analyzing Grimmjow carefully through his almost-shut eyes.

"Have your eye on someone?"

Grimmjow choked. Blushing furiously, "N-no!"

Gin wagged his finger. "Ya can't hide it from me!"

"There's nothing to hide, bastard!"

"I have parents." Gin pouted. "Somewhere." He added as an after-thought.

"Fine, jackass!"

Gin waved off the insult with his hand.

"Ya look like you've fallen fer someone. Who is it?"

Grimmjow crossed his arms and huffed grumplily: "I don't have to tell you. And I have NOT fallen for anyone!"

"Really?" Gin scratched his chin thoughtfully. "In that case, Tousen is in luck."

If Grimmjow was drinking something, he would have spit it out with a 'PTOOOOO' sound, with effects not unlike a hydraulic pump. (Un)fortunately, he wasn't, and he merely choked on his own spit. "KACHA!"

"Kacha?" Gin asked, cocking his head to the side.

"I'm.....choking....idiot..." Grimmjow wheezed, doubled up.

When he had finally regained his breath—Gin still debating whether he should go ahead and give the guy mouth-to-mouth, or take him to Ulquiorra—he panted, "Lemme attim!"

Gin grinned. "That's tha spirt! Tousen certainly needs someone to charm an' spice up his life!"

Grimmjow growled. "I am going to kill him."

"Knock him dead!" Gin pumped his fist in the air.

"Murder him!"

"Slaughter his desire!"

"Slaughter him!" Grimmjow repeated.

"Make him fall for you!"

"Make him fall!"

"Love him so much he hates you!"

"Hate him so much he—wait, what?"

000

Ulquoirra closed the last page of the book, still blinking incredelously.

The enitre thing had just passed over his head.

Vampires?

Humans?

Say what?

He plopped down the book on the sofa and straighted up, deciding to read the next one tomorrow. He didn't think he could handle any more of the 'lets-stare-at-each-other-endlessly' fests in almost all of the books that Gin had thrown at him from the three storey ladder.

Grimmjow, I hate you.

Well, not really. Figuratively. Because he was making Ulquiorra read 'Twilight'.

And Ulquiorra was a Harry Potter fan.

Becasue, if he hated Grimmjow, he wouldn't be tempted to grab the Espada by the front of the jacket he wore next time they met and smash his li---his face in. He completed firmly, trying not to think of what he was actually thinking.

Trying not to think of what he was thinking.

That sounded so screwed. Ulquiorra sighed and put his head in his heads, lying on his stomach.

Well, according to Gin and the book he just read, he needed to....be a vampire? He didn't think so.

How about trying to attract Grimmjow as to how hot Ulquiorra could look when he felt like it?

Maybe he should start conditioning his hair?

He twirled a little strand around his finger.

Wearing lip-gloss?

He would have to go to the living-world and get some.

Get sexier pajamas and wander down to breakfast in them?

No. He told himself firmly. He was not going to go that far.

With what? His concious asked. Your pajamas, or Grimmjow?

He blushed, thinking of both things in one wonderful, wonderful imaginary event.

He sighed. Now if only that weren't so imaginary....

Deciding to let himself indulge for once (in his thoughts, not in a certain Espada!) his train of thought led him:

Hm.....black bedsheets. Silk. He nodded once to himself, chewing on a chew-toy Aizen has gotten for all of the Espada to relieve thier anger.

And he has to grow his hair out.

There was no doubt that Grimmjow, if he was looking heavenly now—or rather, devilish; would look beyond compare with his hair long and down.

Mmmm....long teal hair...his black pajama—screw pajamas. He thought, deciding to go with the native outfit.

He had to triple-slap his ego a minute later to get himself out of his deep indulging thoughts.

He needed a distraction. A really, really big distraction.

How about he actually worked towards his goal instead of lying here and sighing melodramitically?

This struck him as a rational idea, and he leapt up, discarding 'Twilight' by the side-table.

I have to impress him.....he thought, pacing up and down in his room.

Aside from his personal appearence, how was he going to do that?
He needed something big...big enough to impress Grimmjow for the rest of his life....

And NO, the dirty answer did not count.

About he just.....

Just what?

GAH! I can't figure it out! Ulquiorra clutched his head as if in pain.

"Alright, Ulquiorra. Think about this logically. Clearly." He breathed in deep and slow.

How about I throw him a party?

Grimmjow likes parites.

He'd probably get drunk......

An eqaution formed in his horned head. No, not horny, HORNED.

Not that there was much difference by this point in time anyways....

Anyways, the equation was: drunk-Grimmjow + supposedly-smashed-out-of-mind-Ulquiorra = UlquiGrimm.

As a couple. He smirked.

The smirk vanished after less than three seconds. But if all the other Espada were there, they would all get drunk, and there was more of a chance that they're precious make-out time would be ruined.

Hmm......problem.

BIG problem--how about a private party?

His logic argued: He'd never come to a private party.

Cleverness shot back: We don't have to tell him that no one else is coming.

Logic: Let's see, if there are scented candles, a silk-covered bed and only Ulquiorra (half)naked in the room, he'd figure it out pretty quickly.

Cleverness: We could knock him out and drug him.

Logic: That'd be rape.

Ulquiorra quietened down his different personas and thought about the current problem for a bit. IN the end, he sided with his logic. Ok, so the private party was out.

What next?

Get Gin to make them go on a trip to the human world together?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

He smirked at his own intellect, and determined to ask Gin later.

0000

The next morning, Grimmjow was once again wearing those ultra-kawaii pajamas, and was sitting by him for a change. His heart leapt.

Gin was smiling more than usual, and Tousen was getting glared daggers at by a certain teal haired Espada.

Ulquiorra sat in between Grimmjow and Tousen; Grimmjow let out a barely audible sigh of relief.

Why can't I hear him sighing like that normally?

Simple reason, Ulquiorra: You're not his boyfriend yet.

He nodded, accepting his own logic.

Hope shone through: Yet. Yet. YET.

He smiled, and suceeded in freaking out Yammy, who was sitting in front of him. A cold sweat broke out over Yammy's massive body and he wondered if he was seeing things.

Again.

Ulquiorra smiled wider when Grimmjow's elbow un-intentionally brushed against his arm, and Yammy was sure that he was seeing things. Shakily excusing himself, he left the table for his room.

Tousen shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Grimmjow was glaring at him with the intensity of three-thousand fake-suns.

Not good.

And even he couldn't see Grimmjow imagining his body in tiny tiny bits, he could feel it. And it was freaky.

Ulquiorra finished putting the last of pizza in his mouth (Aizen-sama was slightly....crazy....for having pizza for breakfast, but it wasn't like he was here to complain) and put his elbow on the table, leaning his head on his hand.

He stared intently at Grimmjow's every last strand in front of his face, how he chomped the pizza and swallowed without waiting to chew properly.

So......CUTE!

He was being overwhelmed by the cuteness.

It was even cuter that Grimmjow was glaring at Tousen for some reason.....

He gasped.

Grimmjow was staring at Tousen.

He gasped again.

The person he loved was staring at someone else.

O.M.G.

Err.....O.M.A

He hoped Aizen-sama would be satisfied with that, before continuing panicking.

What if......?

Grimmjow! And Tousen!

TOUSEN OF ALL PEOPLE!

TOUSEN!

Tousen of all Aizen-damned people!

Why?!

Whhhhhy?!

He wailed inwardly.

Ok, get ahold of yourslef, Ukelala.

Since when did you call yourself 'Ukelala'?

Err....a long loooong time ago.

Or rather since you heard Grimmjow mutter that after he talked to you once.

Shut up! Now, as I was sayin—thinking, I have to get ahold of myself. There is no way Grimmjow would choose moralisitc Tousen over....loyal-god-me.

Ok, so that wasn't such a nice compariosn.

Grimmjow would probably like someone who was rebellious, and loved to break rules. In short, nothing like him.

He felt like crying. But this thought came in a package: If he wasn't going to like him, he wouldn't like Tousen either.

He didn't know whether he should be gleeful or cry. Could he do both?

He doubted it. No matter how talented he was, he didn't think he could cry and laugh at the same time. Especially since up till two weeks ago he thought he was devoid of all emotion.

Then Grimmjow had come sailing with his lack-of-clothes and utter sexiness and turned him into a sighing, lovesick duck.

Complete with the little stubby tail.

Essentially, he should hate Grimmjow. Hate him so much it hurt. Want to hurt him. Hurt him so much it hurt.

Push him up against the wall and—No, NOT kiss him senseless—cero his stupid.....hot.....smexy....ass through Las Noches.

He sqeezed his eyes shut. He needed to get a hold of himself.

Or let someone else—like Grimmjow—get a hold of him.....GAH!

PAY ATTENTION FOR ONCE UKELALA!

Right. Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention....to what?

Oh yeah! He was going to signal Gin and ask why Grimmjow was staring at Tousen.

With any luck, the guy was still single. It wasn't like it mattered anyways, because Ulquiorra would most probably cero who ever dared to lay their filthy hands on Grimmjow, but still. Pretending to be nice and all.

Ulquiorra threw his fork at Gin.

Aizen looked up, along with the rest of the Espada.

Surprisingly, astonishingly, amazingly, Ulquiorra and Gin were oblivious to how obvious thier 'secret signal talk' was.

Gin jerked his head up and Ulquiorra pointed, quite obviously, at Grimmjow.

'Yeah, what about him?' Gin mouthed.

Ulquiorra made arrow-shooting movements with his fingers, and shot the arrows from Grimmjow to Tousen's face.

Gin looked thoughtful, and nodded. He shrugged, and then made an utterly love-sick-puppy-dog-look.

Ulquiorra gasped inaudibly.

By this time most of the Espada were sniggering to themseles behind thier pizza, except for Grimmjow, who couldn't be bothered to look up, and Tousen, who couldn't see what was going on.

Ulquiorra shook his head rather forcefully, making Aizen thankful that Ulquiorra's mask was attatched firmly to his head, because it'd really hurt who ever it flew and hit.

Probably crack their head open.

And then Szayel would have to do surgery on them...or he'd have to get Orihime.....Aizen snapped back to attention to the present, where it seemed Gin was making gunpoint motions with his fingers, pointing them at Tousen.

Ulquiorra was nodding in dark agreement.

Gin smirked, and pointed at Grimmjow, then at Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra raised his eyebrow, 'I kill Tousen, then me and Grimmjow....what?' he mouthed.

With his signature Gin-Grin in place, the silver haired man winked at Ulquiorra 'Do this!', grabbed Aizen from the front of the robes and began kissing him passionately.

The Lord of Hueco Mondo made a strange 'eeep' sound before his lips were robbed of breath (and their personal space), and Ulquoirra at once turned a very deep shade of red; standing up hastily with his hand over his face.

He turned and fled from the room, levaing most of the Espada decidedly amused, Aizen still kissing Gin (now kissing back), Tousen with bad vibes giving him the jitters, and Grimmjow too absorbed in his pizza to notice any of it.

Just how deep was that pizza, anyways?

000