Words Fail
I never meant to make it such a mess
I never thought that it would go this far
So I just stand here sorry
Searching for something to say
Something to say
Words fail, words fail
There's nothing I can say
Nathan was just lying in his dorm after the fight with Warren. Or rather, the fight where Warren had beaten him up. He felt embarrassed and humiliated, but he deserved it. After everything he had done. He had no words for how sorry he was. He had almost felt relieved when he saw Max and her friend in the boys dormitories, hoping that they had found something useful about the Dark Room. What he hadn't expected, however, was the nerdiest kid at school to show up and almost beat the crap out of him. 'Even Graham had enough of my shit' he had thought when they left. Of course, Nathan knew he was an asshole to the other students. It was just that sometimes he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop his multiple mental illnesses taking over, and the next thing he would know was that he was on someones shit list of people to massacre if they had the chance.
He had never wanted to hurt anyone. He had no words for how sorry he was. He never wanted it go that far. No one was supposed to die, or even remember that they had been in that fucking room in the first place.
I guess I thought I could be part of this
I never had this kind of thing before
I never had that perfect girl
Who somehow could see the good part of me
For once in his life he had something good. Samantha Meyers. She'd been there for him. She'd befriended him. When no one else had. After he'd had that small breakdown on stage during The Tempest, she had been the only one who didn't tease him for it. On the contrary. She had waited for him in the audience after everyone else had left. She'd even given him an applause, making him feel a little better. Their friendship had grown after that, until he met Jefferson. He had been so scared of losing her, or that Jefferson would get his eyes on her, that he accidentally pushed her away. Or, she moved away after her father got a job in Connecticut, and he refused to keep in contact with her. Why would he push himself onto someone who could escape all the drama and bullshit that was happening in Arcadia Bay. At least one of them could get away. Nathan was almost happy that she was gone. She was safe from Jefferson, and he hoped she would't come back for as long as Jefferson was still doing his thing.
I never had the dad who stuck it out
No corny jokes or baseball gloves
No mom who just was there
'Cause mom was all that she had to be
It was no secret. His dad was an ass. Only ever cared about his name and money. Nathan's wellbeing and feelings had never been something he cared a lot about, except for when it could put his father in a bad light. His father had always given Nathan the feeling that he was disappointed in him. He had always given him speeches about what not to do, and always gave him piercing looks, because nothing Nathan ever did was good enough for him. There was a time where only a pat on the back
His mom was good, but she had always tried too hard. She had never been there to just listen. Whenever he had had something he would like to talk to her about, she would just go overboard. Never letting him get to the point. Making him feel like none of his parents gave a shit about him.
That's not a worthy explanation
I know there is none
Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done
He wasn't sure why he did what he did, helping Mr. Jefferson, drugging those girls. He regretted it with every fiber in his being. Not only did it make his mental issues worse from the guilt, but he had helped hurt so many people. Not just the victims, but their friends and families. His mind always wandered back to Rachel Amber. One of the only people other than Samantha and Victoria who had ever given him a chance. He knew Jefferson would blame him for her death. He wanted to just end his connection to him at any moment, but at this point it was too late. He was in too deep. If he cut every tie to Jefferson, he would probably just kill him. That was a thought that didn't sound so scary anymore, Nathan had to admit. He knew it would happen sooner or later anyways.
Words fail, words fail
There's nothing I can say
Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted
And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had
And it's right there, right there, right there
In front of you
And you want to believe it's true
So you... make it true
And you think maybe everybody wants it
And needs it... a little bit... too
Nathan realized that it was his need to get confirmation and positive feedback that led him to Jefferson in the first place. He hadn't realized that Jefferson knew that it was what he needed so desperately. Every time he'd said "good job" or "I'm proud", Nathan would feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It was a feeling he was unfamiliar with. He had almost never heard those words before. Mr. Jefferson had become like a father to him, which made Nathan blind for his actions. He hadn't understood how crazy the whole operation had been. Not until he saw Rachel in the Dark Room. He had gotten a message from Jefferson in the middle of the night, telling him to get his ass to the Dark Room as soon as possible. When he had finally arrived he saw Rachel lying on the ground, tied up and crying. She was screaming for Nathan to help her. Nathan had wanted to, but before he could do anything, Jefferson had understood that he would try to help her, so he had dosed him as well, telling him how disappointed he had been. The last thing Nathan had seen that in the Dark Room that night was Jefferson giving Rachel another dose.
He had woken up in his own dorm room the day after, feeling sick and… dirty, and he could barely remember the night before. Everything had unfortunately come back to him now.
This was just a sad invention
It wasn't real, I know
But we were happy
I guess I couldn't let that go
I guess I couldn't give that up
I guess I wanted to believe
'Cause if I just believe
Then I don't have to see what's really there
He knew that everything Jefferson had told him had been a lie. But everything he had told him had felt so good that he didn't care, and just went along with it. Nathan refused inwardly to believe that what they were doing was wrong, until Rachel. Rachel had been the key to unlocking his brain to realize that Jefferson was a crazy bastard who should die a horrible death for what he'd done. Nathan also felt like that one was fitting for himself as well.
He knew Jefferson was on his way to kill him. He was of no use to him anymore. He had gotten his muse in the end, Nathan guessed. Max had never picked up his call, and he doubted that she'd listened to his voice mail. If she had, she probably wouldn't believe him. Nathan wasn't sure if he'd believe himself after all that he had done.
No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than
These broken parts
Pretend I'm something other than
This mess that I am
'Cause then I don't have to look at it
And no one gets to look at it
No, no one can really see
All his life he had tried to hide how messed up he was. He had obviously not done a very good job, but some people still thought he was just a rich kid who got everything he wanted from his father, while others saw through the façade. Nathan felt like it was better that way. If he showed them how his head was betraying him most of the time, he would be showing weakness. And just as his father had taught him from an early age; Prescott's do not show weakness. And if he didn't show them, they wouldn't potentially feel pity, and he would never be able to forget how his father hated him and all the meds he had to take that didn't actually help him at all. He just wanted to forget it, if only for a little while.
'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me
I never let them see the worst of me
There had been so many times at Blackwell where he had almost broken down in class, or almost attacked another student due to rage. He tried to be a better person, even though he obviously had failed at that department. He had always been so afraid of being judged, to the point that he refused to actually get close to people. Rachel, Samantha and Victoria had been exceptions, but they wouldn't leave him alone. Everyone else had either just accepted that he was the rich kid, or just hated him for his father. He couldn't blame them, however. Nathan had to admit that he believed his father was the source to most of his problems. The constant pressure to be perfect, and to never ever slip up the façade he had to keep. He never really got to vent out his feelings. Whenever someone would insult him because of his fathers money, he would immediately go and insult them for their lack of it, proving that Nathan really was an ass.
'Cause what if everyone saw?
What if everyone knew?
Would they like what they saw?
Or would they hate it too?
Will I just keep on running away from what's true?
All I ever do is run
So how do I step in
Step into the sun?
Step into the sun
Nathan was done running. Whatever happened next, he would just let it happen. He was tired of the pain, the regret, and the constant lying. If he was arrested? He would probably just confess to everything. If Jefferson killed him? Whatthefuckever.
Hey! Thanks for reading! The song was from the 'Dear Evan Hansen' Musical. Please leave a review! It would seriously make my day! I hope you liked it!
-TheAmazingNorwegian