Just quickly this is my fist fanfic for Voyager, but not my first fanfiction, so I am branching out, I do hope my first offering is ok and I do hope to write more, so when you are finished reading it would be very helpful if your could review, thank you.
None of it mine, I only put the words in order I own none of it and I have no money so there is no point in suing me.
In another life time
I was looking out my view port in my ready room. I had done this on more occasions than I can remember, it always makes me feel more at peace with myself, looking out at the starts streaking past even at warp it always quelled the daemons that had haunted me now for five years.
I realised that no matter where you were, at warp or at impulse the universe was beautiful to look at, it held a wonder for me that I could never quite fulfil. I was interrupted from my thoughts by the door chime. It was a little late for it to be Chacotay and Gamma shift would not know that I was still in my ready room, if they had a problem they would have called me over the communicators. "Come." I called without to much thought on the subject and was slightly surprised as the doors opened to reveal a slightly worried looking Tom Paris.
"Tom what can I do for you?" I said watching as he entered the room slowly almost cautiously and this pricked my interests. It was not highly unusual for my helms man to come and seek me out in my ready room, but it was not something that happened too often.
Tom made his way over to the couch that ran under my view port and sat down heavily and let out a sigh. He had not spoken yet and I folded my arms and turned to look down at him, he seemed defeated and this worried me. He was always such a happy man, he had come from a dark place but had gotten over that years ago. If truth be told he was the only member of this crew I could ever allow to be myself with.
Now sitting here his hands folded on his lap and his head bowed, not once had he met my eyes I started to wonder what could have possibly happened to cause this reaction from him.
"I want to have a shift change." He said suddenly shocking me out of my own thoughts and unconsciously shaking my head.
"I'm sorry Tom, but you are my best pilot, I can't have you working the night shift, I need you at the helm when we are most likely to need you." I said as I watched him glance at me briefly and then advert his gaze out of the window.
"But I need to I can't, not that's not right, its hard to work with you at the moment." He said not looking at me but speaking to his own reflection. To say I was stunned by his admission would have been an understatement.
"I thought we had a great working relationship." I said moving slightly closer to him, but not daring to get close enough to touch him. There was about five feet between us now, but the gulf his words had created was far greater.
"We do." He said snapping his head towards me and now locking on to my eyes and it was my turn to shy away.
"I love working with you, you are the best Captain I ever had, the problem is I can't fight my feelings any more." His voice came out soft as though he was not just admitting them to me, but to himself as well. For a second I found it hard to breath, thinking that someone has feelings for you and knowing it are two completely different things and I had to allow my heart to slow down before I spoke again.
"Tom, these feelings they are an infatuation, I remind you of home, of family, you have Be'lanna now, these feelings will go away in time." I said but not really believing a single word I was saying. Not often did I think of anyone in a sexual fashion, but when I am alone at night and the day had been long and hard it was on more than one occasion my thoughts turned to Mr Paris, not that I would ever admit that out loud, I could barely admit it to myself.
"No it's not Captain and you know it." He said as he now turned his body to face me and placed his hands on his lap once more.
It was hard for me not to go over to him and place my arm around his shoulder and comfort him, but right now that was the last thing either of us needed.
"No I don't Tom I don't know how you are feeling, but I can guess and changing your shift so you don't see me is not the best way to deal with it." I said knowing that as a woman getting far away from Tom Paris as this small ship would allow would be the best cause of action, but as a Captain, and that was what I was first and foremost it was not a good decision at all.
"You know I have tried to put you out of my mind, told myself that its just a silly crush, but then I see you pint that crocked smile of yours in my direction, or you place your hand on my shoulder and all those feelings come back and I can't fight it any more." He said looking at me now directly in the eyes and this time I was not going to back away.
Tom knew what it was like to love me in a way Chacotay never did, he always based his love on the hope that one day I could return it and we could be together. He always expected more from what we had and kept on thinking that his chance might come again one day. Tom knew better, he knew that loving me was hard and painful, often cruel with what affection I could return and he knew that in the end would always be unfulfilled. I realised that I had not said anything for a while and Tom was looking like he was getting even more nervous.
"You know as your Captain I cannot have you off the bridge at the most crucial times, or have you tired if you are needed for a red alert, but as Kathryn I can understand, but I still can not grant your request." I tell him as he stands up and closes the distance between us slightly and I have to stop myself from backing away from him, not because I am scared of what he might do, I could never be scared of him, but at the tension now clogging up the room.
"Maybe you should just be Kathryn for a minute then, if you don't want to deal with it that way then we are going to have to have this out right here right now." He said the control coming back to his voice now and his posture had changed, from being crouched over and almost apologetic, to upright and confident.
"What do you mean? I am here for you if you need me to listen, but "I didn't get chance to finish my sentence as Tom interrupted.
"Damm it Kathryn, I'm not crazy I know this isn't all one way traffic." He said and I had to blink at the force at which his voice came out. It came to me then in a sudden flash, he was the only person who ever really saw the real me, maybe I had let my guard down around him to often, but he could read me better than anyone even Tovock.
"Do you love me Tom?" I ask, but I suspect I already know the answer it is written all over his face.
"I am not sure, I have spent so long denying how I feel, suppressing any emotions I have for you that it gets all muddled up when I think about it." I have to nod my head knowing that I was the master of suppressing my feelings I knew exactly where he was coming from.
"I think I could easily love you though, it wouldn't take much." He said finally and I had the sudden urge to sit down, my legs felt shaky and my vision swam slightly but I remained up right. I knew this would have come out one day, in my wildest dreams I never thought it would be like this. I always thought it would be on some planet somewhere, one of us would be dyeing and it would finally all come out. Not on a normal day in my ready room. The thought sparked a question though.
"Tom why now, why today?" I said and I saw a hint of a smile touch his lips, as he lowered his gaze then levelled his eyes with mine once more.
"Because you wore the perfume I brought you for your birthday." He said, it was simple and to the point but I didn't get it.
"I have worn this before, what's so different about today?" I asked him watching his reaction.
"Yes you have worn it before, at party's or on the holodeck, I'm sure you have even worn it when you are having dinner with Chacotay, but never on duty, and never on the bridge. When I smelt it this morning I knew you had finally allowed a blur in that line you have never crossed. So small no one would really notice, except me that is, but the woman and the Captain finally have something in common, and maybe just maybe there would be an opening for me."
I couldn't help but think back to the day Tom Paris first knew about that perfume. My farther had given it to me, it was soft and flowery, a girls perfume and I loved it. I was invited to Admiral Paris's family BBQ and I had found myself talking to a 14 or 15 year old Tom Paris, the age gap seamed so huge back then, but he had been sweet and obviously intelligent and quite often ignored.
He had been quite shy, almost afraid that talking to anyone would get him in trouble, but he had spoken to me. We had talked before briefly, and I think he felt kind of left out and being young he must have felt a bit like a fish out of the water with all these Starfleet personnel around him. He had stood next to me in silence for a long time when I finally offered him a topic of conversation which seemed safe. I couldn't remember what exactly it was we had spoken about but I do remember when he had been pushed up against me by a passing crowd headed for the BBQ and had said I smelt nice. It was very sweet and I told him the name of the perfume was summer rain and that it was my favourite.
Twenty years later and I had been presented with a bottle of Summer rain o0n my birthday from no one else on the ship who could possibly have know about it except Tom Paris.
Felling his hand on my uniform clad arm broke me out of the memory, but the feeling of his hand was almost too much, even though the clothes the electricity that passed between us was undeniable.
"You looked far away for a moment there, are you ok?" Tom said looking down at me and offering me a small smile. I gazed back at him begging him with my eyes to break the contact of his hand, hoping he got the message before I did something I might regret.
"I was just remembering the time when I first told you about that perfume." I said honestly, trying to concentrate on slowing my heart down. Thankfully Tom chose that moment to remove his hand and I let out a small sigh.
"Kathryn do you love me?" The question made me tense up immediately, I caught his gaze for a second before I had to look away. Taking a deep breath in I started to speak, but just as I opened my mouth Tom jumped in.
"Liar." He said as I was left standing there with my mouth slightly open, how could he have known I was going to lie to him.
"I saw your eyes Kathryn, I have seen them before, I know you love me just like you have known for a long time that I love you, we just have been denying it for so long that we don't know how to tell the truth even to ourselves any more."
I think about this for a second, I even think about trying to lie again, to keep it all buried, but it has done us no good in the past, and in the long run might even cause a situation that has irreversible consequences. If this is it, how we are finally going to talk about us then I might as well be honest about it. Taking a deep breath in and seeing his face soften as he realises I have given up he waits for my answer.
"I do love you Tom, I love your smile, your quick sense of humour and the way I can just be myself around you." I have to pause as he has closed the gap between us again and has once more placed his hand on my arm. Allowing him to take my hand I watch as his thumb traces a pattern on my wrist and I am for a second mesmerised by this.
"It changes nothing though does it?" He says finally and I look up to meet his eyes.
"No it doesn't" I answer him honestly, there is no other way now its all out there and there is no way to step back though that open door way.
"Kathryn just tell me one thing, if we had not gotten stranded out here, been placed in this pressure cooker of a situation, and we had remained friends on Earth do you think we could have had something?" I had to think about his question, there were so many variables to consider, but I think I got what he meant and I finally settled on an answer.
"In another life I think we would have been great."
He seemed to accept this letting go of my hand he walked to the doors of my ready room. Turning back to look at me he smiled slightly.
"In another life we would have been magical." He said before walking out of the doors and I could only wonder about that other life, as the doors closed on this one.
THE END
Thank you so much for reading, I hope this wasn't to weird, I am kind of stuck between P/J and J/C so I started with this one. Please let me know what you think reviews are always read and appreciated. Except flames I do cry easily.