A/N: What I wished would have happened during the Tritter arc. Totally and utterly AU!!
"So," Tritter said smoothly. "You're Allison Cameron, you're Eric Foreman, and you're Robert Chase?
Cameron bristled. "Yes, but I really don't see how it's any of your business."
"Oh, it's my business all right, sweetheart," he breathed lecherously, with a backwards glance at House. House was watching them over steepled fingers, feigning nonchalance.
"You know what," Wilson said, from his position in the corner. "You know what, just fuck off, Tritter."
He looked completely taken aback. House's face shifted from slightly worried to smug. People paused outside to watch this spectacle.
"Shit," Cuddy said quietly to herself, standing outside the door.
"Excuse me?" Tritter said dangerously.
"I said, fuck off," Wilson repeated deliberately. "Oh, I'm sorry, was that too naughty for your poor little ears?"
"I have the authority to –"
"Oh, goody for you," Wilson spat. "You're even more juvenile than House." Cuddy watched, heart in her throat. This could either go over very well or very, very badly. Most probably the latter. "You are just a petty wannabe wishing you were something equal to House, wishing that maybe you could save lives instead of assigning parking tickets. "You're petty and have the maturity of a kindergartener."
"Dr.Wilson, I can assure you that –"
"And I care, so, so much." Wilson drew out the syllables with exaggerated pouting. Cuddy was reminded of House.
"He's definitely reading Tritter the riot act," Nurse Brenda remarked to Cuddy.
"Excellent." Cuddy's voice had the wobble of worry in it.
"What're you going to do? Freeze my assets? Steal my car? Hurt my friends? Hit me if I play in the sandbox? Cut in line for the slide? Grow up," he snapped derisively. "How old are you, six?"
Tritter was quickly losing his cool. "Doctor Wilson, I advise you to stop now before there are any serious legal repercussions.
"Seriously," continued Wilson with a laugh. "What can you do to me?"
"I can freeze your assets. I can fine you heavily. I can put you on parole for disrespect," Tritter began to rattle off.
"Yeah, because it's all R-E-S-P-E-C-T for you, isn't it? Give me a break, you hypocrite. You don't respect a man's pain enough to let him take the drugs he needs, yet you huff when I just stand up here and tell you the truth?" Wilson yelled. "You are a complete and utter asshole. No matter what you say about House, you match him, shit for shit. Compassion is a complete stranger to you. You are completely dominated by your narcissism and pettiness. Yeah, so he was rude to you. Get over it. You've never met nasty people? What are you, a nun?" he continued. Tritter's face was growing redder and redder with every passing second, and his hands had clenched to fists.
"Doesn't look too good to me," Cuddy tittered. Despite her worries, a grin was beginning to work itself around the edges of her mouth.
"He's completely right," Foreman said, moving to stand next to Wilson. "You are the pettiest person I have come upon since my last Christmas reunion. You remind me of my niece, Sabrina. Cute little girl. Little spoiled, though. Threw a fit when she didn't get the Barbie she wanted."
Cuddy shoved his hand over his mouth to hide the smile. Nurse Brenda was grinning fully next to her. "Want to bet?" she asked out of the corner of her mouth.
"A hundred on Wilson," Cuddy replied.
"Aww. That's what I was thinking."
"I have an idea!" Wilson's voice was filled with a sarcasm that House would have been proud of. "Why don't you grow up? Hey!" He addressed the crowd. "Someone have antidepressants out there? Just looking at this sad apology for a human being is making me very, very sad…"
That was when Tritter's fist came out of nowhere and slammed Wilson square in the face. Everyone drew a sharp breath, even House. but Wilson didn't retaliate. "Whoops," he said softly, a hand flying up to his gently dripping mouth. Blood came away on his fingers. "That'll bruise. What are you doing, officer, hitting an innocent man? I might have to report you for this. And remember what we said about using our words, not our fists?"
"You – I – just you wait –"
Tritter's incapability to speak left a gaping hole for Wilson's sardonic words to fill. "For what, you to change your pants? Did you go pee-pee? Did you just make a big boo-boo in your pants?"
That really was quite the last straw. Tritter stormed out, taking care to almost behead a few interns with House's glass door. To add insult to injury, Cameron shouted after him, "And you're ugly!"
Sigh. Just all my frustrations about the Tritter arc on paper. Or rather, Interweb.