I've always enjoyed DBZ/HP x-overs (I even published a chapter of one years ago!) but felt that the power imbalances between the two universes are just too extreme to make work seriously. So why not write a completely non-serious work?
Trunks sighed as he finished up the last of the papers. As much fun as he'd admit this job was, he fucking hated having to do all this paperwork. It didn't help that his partner was half illiterate and half asshole, so he always pawned off his own paperwork on Trunks. Of course Trunks couldn't really complain, as his partner was the heavy muscle of the operation and could probably do all the work without him. Well, all the physical work anyways, anything that involved any thought or finesse was his territory.
Not to say that he wasn't powerful in his own right, but compared to Vegito, well, it wasn't even close.
"You finished there, Trunks?" Vegito popped in carrying two trays stacked to the top with food. Trunks gathered all the papers and stashed them away in his satchel to clear the table. Vegito laid both trays down on the small circular table and sat down opposite him.
"Where did you go today?" Trunks asked while picking up his chopsticks and pulling out a plate of rice. "A new place down in HFIL King Kai told me about, it's supposed to be pretty good"
They began to dig in to their food like only saiyans could, the only sound in the air was the clinking of their plates as they wolfed down food at unhealthy speeds. It was a beautiful spot, this one; the small planetoid was completely green, with a single tree towering over everything and providing shade. The clear skies of other world and the vast expanse of snake way disappearing into infinite clouds made for an incredible view.
Vegito paused enough in pigging out on his seventh plate of fish to chuckle "Guess who I met while going out to get food?"
Trunks, who was already finishing up on his meal, shrugged. "Yajirobe?" he came up with the most random person he could find, though he didn't even know if the fat man was significant enough to earn a body.
Vegito shook his head "Princess Snake" Trunks groaned and threw his head back while Vegito laughed again, little specs of rice flying all over the place.
"Let me guess, she asked about me?"
"Yep, she was asking half a dozen questions about you and where you were, it only got worse when I told her we were going to be on leave"
Trunks' eyes widened in horror "Why the hell did you tell her that?!" Vegito shrugged and continued eating. Trunks shook his head and stood up from the table, wanting to stretch his limbs and clear his head.
Princess Snake had had a thing for him from the moment Trunks took the job. The demi-saiyan had thought he could avoid her, what with Other World being so huge and all, but apparently the afterlife was much smaller than he thought, or the Kai were playing a cruel joke on him. "I guess we're not spending our vacation here" Trunks sighed, he'd been looking forward to spending time with his mother and all the Z-Warriors.
"Good, I didn't want to deal with Bulma and Chichi's bullshit anyways" Trunks ignored the insult to his mother and pulled out the paperwork he'd been working on. "Let me finish this up and we'll go over to Yemma and punch out"
Knowing how long this usually took, Vegito went over to the tree and sat with his back against the trunk to take a nap.
Trunks had filled out so many forms in his short time on the job his mind wasn't even in it anymore.
"Done." He'd finally gotten through everything, the only thing missing was his partner's signatures. Trunks pulled a stapler from his satchel and stapled all the papers together, then he threw them at the snoozing Vegito. The saiyan yawned awake and looked down at the stack of paper on his chest. "Where's the pen?" he asked, Trunks chucked it at him and Vegito began scribbling his name where Trunks had marked it.
"There you go" He returned the papers and Trunks shuffled them away. Happy to be done, he held on to Vegito's shoulder as he teleported them over to Yemma's castle.
The entrance to other world was as cramped as ever, with an endless line of little white globs waiting for their final judgment, a stream of weedy Oni were walking around with clipboards. King Yemma was at his high table, processing souls with his head resting on his chin.
The two saiyans walked up to the table, which towered ten feet over them. They floated up until they were face to face with King Yemma.
"Here you go boss" Vegito threw the papers on the table. Yemma rolled his eyes at Vegito's lack of decorum before he picked up the papers and flipped through them.
"Hey! Can't you get finished judging me first!" the little blob of soul demanded, it had been waiting for months to finally get judged.
"HFIL" Yemma said without even looking up from the documents. "Wait..No!" the soul looked as exasperated as a little white cloud can look. One of the Oni began to drag it away towards the doors of hell. "Don't worry little guy, it's not really that bad" Trunks shouted in assurance.
"Don't say that Trunks" Yemma whispered through gritted teeth
"But it's the truth"
Yemma facepalmed, usually Vegito was the one that gave him problems "You work for other world, you have to toe the party line, understand?" Yemma glared at the purple haired teen. He gave one final glance at the paperwork, looking for anything Trunks had done wrong so he could berate him about it. When he found nothing, he reached for his stamp and was about to send the two saiyans on vacation when…
"King Yemma!" an Oni rushed through the line, a wadded up case file in his right hand. "New case, just came off the presser!"
Yemma moved Trunks' paperwork aside and took the new files from the Oni. He began flipping through it semi-interested, as someone who hadn't left his desk in ten thousand years, reading these stories of dangerous situations always made his day.
Vegito tapped his foot impatiently "Can you just stamp our papers so we can get the hell out of here?"
Yemma looked at the two of them with a smile that told Trunks they were about to be screwed. "I'm afraid you won't be able to go on vacation just yet, we need you on this case"
"WHAT?" both saiyans yelled in unison, outrage coursing through their veins.
Vegito flew up into the big ogre's face, his teeth grinding. "Now you listen here you miserable giant stiff, if you don't give me one good reason why you're forcing us to do a job when we've got vacation time coming up, I'm going to blast your desk all the way to hell"
Yemma gulped, sweat was pouring down his face but he kept his composure. "I'll give you a reason, you two are the last Sentai on duty"
Vegito blinked "Oh, well that's a pretty good reason" mollified, he flew back to stand next to Trunks.
"How could we be the last two on duty?" The teenager asked with suspicion.
Yemma shrugged "Everyone seemed to want their vacations around this time of year, I think West Grand Kai is having a beach party or something. You two are the only ones that haven't punched out" knowing about all these social events was torturous to Yemma, who could never leave his desk. It had dawned on him after a few thousand years that he might be the only person in other world actually serving a sentence worthy of hell. He really hoped the situation was ironic, because that's what he called it all the time.
"What kind of shitty planning leaves you with every single Uchu-Sentai getting vacation time on the same damn day?!" Trunks yelled in exasperation. Vegeto put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. He himself didn't really mind doing another mission, they'd probably knock it out in three minutes.
"Any complaints should be filed and notified at the other world service facility in Kai Planet 287" Yemma parroted "Now take this case and get out of here, I have work to do" he shoved the papers in Trunks' hands and waved them off.
"Let's go back home and pack up" Vegito teleported them away before Trunks tried to choke Yemma or something.
They materialized in their "house", or the place where they sometimes went to sleep as Trunks thought of it. It was a tiny planet on the periphery of other world, so far apart from everything else that you couldn't even see snake way. This planet had no trees, the only things on its surface were grass and a house.
The Kai had rigged it so that this planet was in a constant state of twilight, which made it perfect for crashing. Which is what the two used it for.
"Ok, you gather up our supplies and I'll read through this stupid case" Trunks grumbled, sitting down on the coffee table in their tiny kitchen. Vegito went off to collect their supplies, which really just meant going into Trunks' room and grabbing his capsule case, restocking any capsules they'd already used up.
Trunks only got to the first page of the mission briefing before he had steam coming out of his ears. "A C level mission? He took us off our vacation for a C level mission?!" he wished he had a glass in his hand just so he could shatter it. A C level mission was something someone as weak as Yamcha could handle.
Vegito returned with Trunks' capsule case "Look at it this way, we'll be done with it quick and be on vacation in no time" he went over to the pantry and pulled out some chocolate chip cookies they had stashed. Setting them down on the table, Trunks grabbed one and munched absently while he read.
"What is it anyways?" Vegito asked
Trunks sighed "It's a protection job, we have to defend the princess of earth from alien abduction, universe A-235-5XMB" As he spoke the universe's serial number he typed it into his wristwatch, setting the coordinates.
"Princess of earth" Vegito whistled "That one is definitely on the opposite end of the spectrum then"
"Don't think you'll be doing much exploring, we'll go in, find out who's trying to kidnap said princess and kill them before lunch" Trunks finished tinkering with the watch, which began emitting a low hum. Vegito's belt began emitting the same hum. Trunks pressed a button on the watch and both object began vibrating.
"Here we go" Vegito yawned; he should have taken a longer nap.
The vibrations intensified until the two men vibrated right out of the universe, leaving in a blink of the eye.
...
"Lemon drops?"
"No thank you. Sweets are bad for my figure"
Albus Dumbledore looked over his half-moon spectacles. The witch in front of him didn't have a figure to worry about, but he would be polite for now. This summer had been the most frantic and hellish in all of his years as headmaster. The most hellish war the wizarding world had seen in over 200 years was at its most intense. Voldemort was at the peak of his powers, and for the first time in decades things seemed very bleak. The Order was weak, having lost the Prewett brothers just last week. Yes, Albus was a very tired man.
Adding to that, he'd finished his search for the Defense professor just last week, applicants for the cursed position were scarce and the few he did get were either under qualified or not fit to be within a certain distance of schoolchildren. The candidate he'd chosen was the best of the bunch: safe, boring and with no prior convictions. This year more than ever he'd heavily considered starting the search for next year's professor during the school year. Or maybe if he changed the name of the course Tom's jinx would be dispelled? It was worth looking into.
Right after he'd picked his DADA teacher and prepared to go over mundane things like checking the list of banned objects and spying on the other professors with the help of the portraits, Minerva came along with the bad news: he needed to choose a Divinations teacher now that old Proctor had kicked the bucket.
Divination was bullshit, the students knew it, the teachers knew it and the people applying for the job knew it. Half the applicants were people whose only qualifications were passing Divination at Hogwarts. While nobody wanted the Defense post, everybody wanted the easy money of teaching pseudo-magic electives. Those types of applicants weren't even the worst; the worst were those who actually believed they were seers. He had never seen so many oddballs and lunatics in one place, and this was coming from him. He was considering just dropping the whole course and reinstating dueling.
This new applicant filled the mold perfectly. She was short, shorter than even Flitwick, and very ancient looking with pink hair. Her black robes and hat were normal enough, but she sat and travelled atop her crystal ball which she had charmed to hover a few feet above the ground.
"Do you have your credentials?" Albus asked hoping to get this done with. There were three applicants left and he was likely to give the job to the last one he saw.
"Heh. Do I have credentials?" Her raspy voice was very grating, torture to the eardrums. "I'm Fortuneteller Baba, that's credentials enough"
Dumbledore's interest was piqued, though he didn't show it. Fortuneteller Baba was one of the most famous seers in recent history. She had appeared a hundred and thirty years ago and made perfect and accurate predictions. She was the most sought after seer in the world and her services cost a pretty penny. Albus had been inclined to think her a fraud but even Nicholas Flamel attested to her abilities. Baba had disappeared twenty years after she first showed up, when Albus was just starting his apprenticeship. Nobody knew what happened to the famous seer though there were rumors that she had gone to another realm, the realm from whence she'd originated. Albus again heavily doubted the veracity of such claims but Nicholas had told him that he wouldn't have been surprised; Baba's magic was unlike that of any other witch he'd ever met.
Albus focused on this woman in front of him with renewed interest. She definitely looked old enough to be Baba, if anything.
"That is an interesting claim. Do you have any proof?"
Baba got a nasty grin on her wrinkled old face as she hopped off her crystal ball. The Ball continued hovering for a few seconds before plopping down on the floor next to her.
"Albus Dumbledore, Flamel's apprentice." Her evil smile only widened "I know which one of you killed Ariana."
Dumbledore's blood ran cold. Only three other people knew about that. The death of his sister had scarred him so deeply that it had still not healed. Knowing who had dealt her the final blow was one of his life's greatest unanswered questions, he didn't know how he'd feel if he found out who the killer was.
"Who?" Albus tried to keep his cool, tried to keep control, but this old hag had blindsided him.
"Heh" Baba's smile became more reserved, though it still showed off her uneven and gap filled teeth. "That's for me to know. Now will you give me the job?"
Albus was furious. How dare this woman do that to him? Bait him and then just leave him hanging with something so important. He narrowed his eyes and had to admit that she was getting to him. He organized his thoughts and steeped his fingertips to calm himself down; he didn't get this far by being rash and emotional.
"I need proof of your abilities as a seer" he said in a chilly but neutral tone.
"Hmmm, I'm afraid I can't show you the future without pay. I'll show you the present instead" She extended her arms out to her crystal ball and yelled some gibberish. The ball gave an ethereal glow and fogged over, Albus had to inch closer from his desk to see the image as the ball was on the floor.
He saw his Deputy Headmistress, sitting in her office and looking over lesson plans. The usually severe Minerva was scratching her nose and cracking her knuckles absently, yawning lightly as she looked over Albus' spidery writing.
Baba had a smug look on her face, though she was disappointed that she didn't catch McGonagall in a compromising position. She frowned and did her silly chant again:
"Oh hoi, hoi, hoi, poi..." This time she levitated the crystal ball close to Dumbledore's face. She kept on chanting, dragging it along as much as she could to build up the suspense.
"Oh hoi, hoi, hoi, poi..." her voice grew gradually louder until suddenly the fogged up crystal ball cleared up.
Lord Voldemort was sitting in his throne room, a bored look on his face. He shot a glance at the ancient grandfather clock to his right and sighed. He pulled out his wand in a flourish and began playing a game, he would conjure cute little animals and then kill them in gory ways. He turned a rabbit inside out, then made a deer skullfuck its eyehole while a machete repeatedly struck the deer in the back. Then he-
Baba hadn't quite expected that and she unceremoniously cut off the transmission and let the crystal ball drop to the floor. Both occupants of the headmaster's office tried to hold in their lunch
"Sooo…" Baba looked at the headmaster expectantly, they both silently agreed to not acknowledge what they had just seen.
Dumbledore sighed "You're hired" with abilities like that it would be suicide to not keep her at Hogwarts. If Voldemort or somebody else got a hold of her it would spell the end.
Baba squeezed her hands together happily. "Good, then we can discuss my salary"
Dumbledore nodded and pulled out a contract and a blood quill. "The salary for professors of elective courses is four hundred galleons a year plus a bonus depending on how well your students do in their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s" he grimaced when Baba frowned.
"That won't do" the old dwarf tisked "I will work for ten thousand galleons a semester, nothing less."
Dumbledore blanched. Who did this woman think she was? "I am afraid that is unacceptable. The salary for a regular teacher is seven hundred galleons a year; my salary is at a thousand galleons a year. Twenty thousand a year is simply ridiculous"
"Please headmaster, be reasonable. Those other hacks don't have my talents. They teach students to wave some sticks, I'll be teaching them to gaze into the distant future, to have the power to alter the very course of history" Baba coughed. Even if she were honestly interested in teaching the little brats it would take most of their natural lives to be half as good as her. She would coast through the school year with hokey bullshit like every other divination teacher. "If anything, I should be asking for triple the money."
Dumbledore narrowed his eyes at her. This woman held all the cards and she knew it. He couldn't not give her the job and risk her going to Voldemort, who would gladly torture and mind control her to use her powers. While Dumbledore had thought of using the imperious on her he was deterred when he tried to use legilimency and discovered that she was a master Occlumens. Figures. He couldn't pay her that ridiculous sum though; it would cause an outrage to have a teacher, much less a divinations teacher, paid more money than every other professor combined. He wouldn't be able to explain it away and it would lead to some nasty situations with the board of governors and the general public, not to mention the internal conflict within the teaching staff.
"I am sure we can reach a compromise." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he got an idea "Recently the last member of the Moon line passed away and their seat in the Wizengamot has been left empty. I could assist you in any way I could in acquiring that seat" This would bring up a shitstorm as well, but it was not nearly as bad as the other alternative that could leave him jobless.
"Ten thousand a semester, take it or leave it" Baba hopped on her crystal ball and it floated up above the headmaster's desk, she waited a few seconds and seeing no response turned back to leave.
"Wait" Dumbledore hated this idea, but it was the best he could come up with. "I will pay but we will need to use two contracts. You will get the four hundred galleons from the school contract and I will set up another contract to transfer the rest of the money from my bank account" Screw that, he'd get one of his more naïve and spineless supporters to pony up most of the money; he already had Longbottom in his sights.
Baba seemed satisfied "I'll come by tomorrow to sign the contracts" She floated out of the headmasters office and tried to hide her elation, she was going to squeeze this world dry.
With a short flash of light, the two materialized onto a vast green field. They looked around, seeing nothing but grass as far as the eye could see.
...
"Where the fuck are they?" Vegito asked gruffly. Their contact on the other side (usually the person that filed the emergency AID request in the first place) "What's the name of the rendezvous?" he asked Trunks, irritated that this job had started off on the wrong foot.
Trunk shuffled through the casefile and flipped over to one of the middle pages. Generally he took the time to read these things through and be as prepared as possible for the job. But with it being a C level mission just before their vacation, he hadn't felt the need to bother.
Trunks let out a mighty groan when he read the name. He didn't want to believe it, but it was right there in plain letters.
Fuck King Yemma forever. He thought.
"Who is it?" Vegito inquired hesitantly. Trunks shook his head and showed him the offending page.
"WHAT?" he bellowed out. "I thought they banned that old cunt from filling these out?!"
"*Ahem* that's not a proper way to refer to a lady"
Their heads swiveled around as the object of their scorn stood in front of them. All three feet of her.
Before Baba could even blink, Vegito had her by the scruff of her neck, his fierce Saiyan eyes promising nothing but excruciating pain. The tiny old woman gulped
Trunks stepped up, flowing naturally into the Dog and Leash routine they'd developed for interrogations. "How did you circumvent your ban, old hag?"
Baba wanted to curse him out for the insult, but the tightening of Vegito's grip forced her to stay on topic. "I was banned from filing aid requests, not from being named as a rendevouz"
Trunks narrowed his eyes. Flipping through the case file once more, he found the name of the person who filed the request. "Who's princess Cas-cas- whatever her name is, and why isn't she here?"
Baba harrumphed "First of all its Princess Cassiopreia, and second of all she's the name I made up to file the request" she finished off with pride.
Vegito and Trunks shared a single look and nodded simultaneously.
"Well, this was even quicker than I thought it'd be" Vegito quipped as Trunks set his watch to return them back home. "We'll throw her in a holding cell and let that giant red fuck deal with her"
"Heh. I can't wait to see his face, the smug bastard" Trunks chuckled.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Baba squealed desperately "Hear me out! You could make a whole lot of money!"
They ignored her. Trunks nodded in confirmation as he'd set the correct coordinates
"YOU CAN SCREW KING YEMMA OVER!" she shrieked in a last gasp attempt at saving her scheme.
It worked. The two saiyans froze, Trunks with his finger hovering inches over the transport button on his watch. Vegito gave a mighty sigh, knowing he'd regret this sooner rather than later. "We're listening"
Baba let out a deep breath. "This is a C level mission, right?"
"Right" they answered simultaneously.
"So really when you look at it, this could basically be a vacation for you. Now stay with me boys…" she raised her hands up before they started calling her an idiot. That was the problem with trying to persuade Saiyans, they were the most impatient beings in the universe. "This is a C level mission, but if complications were to arise, the filer could pay for an extension, which the idiots that run Other World have set no time limit on. We could milk this thing for six two eight months or even a year, you two get double pay for all that time. Tell me, when is your vacation time coming up?"
"Today" Trunks growled.
Baba's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. This was perfect! "This couldn't have worked out any better! You guys could accumulate a whole year of lost vacation pay and extra vacation days. This could be the score of a lifetime for you!"
"Plus a cut of however much you're going to steal from this place" Vegito added, dampening her mood. She thought about protesting for a second, but a look at their faces told her it wouldn't be wise. She'd try to renegotiate the terms later.
"What kind of scam are you running here Baba?" Trunks asked.
Baba gave them a wide, toothless grin "Well It's quite simple..."
Aaaand there's Chapter 1. I should have Chapter 2 up in a few days, I have about four chapters worth of content written already and will be releasing them every few days.