A/N: Please be careful: S stands for Silver, and G stands for Glasses. S is NOT Shinpachi, and G is NOT Gin in this story. And not everyone who asked for advice is an existing character; don't be fooled. Thank you.
. . .
ASK THE THREE WISE KINGS OF KABUKI-CHOU!
Correction: two wise kings and one queen supreme, yup!
WE OFFER ANY ADVICE!
Silver, Glasses and China will answer your call!
Getting the girl? Don't know what to cook for dinner? Got lost on your way to The Grand Line? Don't worry, we've got you covered!
Unless you've run out of toilet paper. Then you're a lost cause.
Even we can't help you.
Dear Wise Kings,
Lately, I've been hearing strange noises from the room next to mine. It used to be my parents' room, but they died in an accident nine months ago. I hear scratching and moaning and it's seriously creepy, but whenever I check, there's nothing! What should I do?
- Forever Scared.
. . .
Dear Forever Scared,
S: Run! Run for your life, dammit! Why do you still live there?!
C: It's definitely a ghost, uh-huh!
G: Set up a videocam or something in the room. Maybe it's a robber.
S: Maybe… maybe it's the ghost of your parents doing it.
G: Don't- don't say that!
C: Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
G: Get the Yorozuya to do some ghostbusting, they do anything. With a reasonable price, of course.
S: N-No, I- I bet it's nothing. Don't call the Yorozuya. They're broke but they don't do g-ghostbusting.
C: Put a bowl of egg on rice in the room. Maybe your parents are hungry, yes?
G: Actually… that's one way to go about it. Maybe the ghosts just need an offering.
S: So don't call the Yorozuya, alright? Do it yourself! You're a big boy now!
Dear Kings,
There's this woman I really like. I follow her to work and to her house and her family dojo and I know quite a lot about her, but I don't think she knows as much about me. The last time we properly talked, it was at Snack Smile at her work, but I actually told her I have a hairy ass. Oh, the regrets! I've tried to make up for it with Bargain Dash, but she still hates me, and I don't know what else to do! Please help!
- Forever Hairy.
. . .
Dear Forever Hairy,
S: Gori?! Gorilla-kun, right?!
C: Shave your ass first, Gori-kun! Women don't like hairy asses, uh-huh.
G: Just give up! Give up on Aneue!
S: Go turn yourself in to your subordinates already!
Dear Wise Kings,
There's a man I really like. He's such a sadist, and I love that about him. The way he doesn't care when I get hurt, how he kicks me out of his house even before I pull out the chains, how he just ignores me when I'm in his rafters… oh, please help! I don't know how to get out of this pit they call love!
- Forever M.
. . .
Dear Forever M,
S: You too, damn M! Give up! Get out of the roof! You're not welcome!
Dear Kings,
I can't seem to get past this level of Mario! I promised my brother I'd do it for him, and he trusted me because I'm his older sister, but it's just impossible! Why is Peach such a beach about this? Why can't she just save herself?!
- So Frustrated With That Damn Princess!
. . .
Dear So Frustrated,
G: Like all games, you need patience. Maybe pretend you're saving your brother?
C: When you find Peach, take her crown! She don't deserve it!
G: I don't think you can do that…
S: Tell your brother to do it himself! He's a big boy now!
Dear Kings-dono,
My pet monkey is lost. His name is Jugem-Jugem Poop-Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Day Before Yesterday Underwear Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling Two Thirds Worried-Over-A-Hangnail Feeling Though Betrayal Knows My Name I Know The Unknown, The Cuttlefish Tastes Kind Of Different Than It Did Last Time Because It Was Caught Near The Pond And Served With Oil From A Hoofed Mammal Pepepepepepepepepepepe Take Care From Here On In Please And Finally The End Bichigusomaru. He has brown fur and brown eyes and a red collar with a bell around his neck. If anyone finds him, the Yagyuu family has good rewards.
- Not Juubei.
. . .
Dear Not Juubei,
S: We're an advice column, not a lost and found centre!
G: Why does its name get to fill up so much space anyway?!
C: I bet he's just taking a walk! As expected of Jugem-Jugem Poop-Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Day Before Yesterday Underwear Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling Two Thirds Worried-Over-A-Hangnail Feeling Though Betrayal Knows My Name I Know The Unknown, The Cuttlefish Tastes Kind Of Different Than It Did Last Time Because It Was Caught Near The Pond And Served With Oil From A Hoofed Mammal Pepepepepepepepepepepe Take Care From Here On In Please And Finally The End Bichigusomaru!
G: Shut up already! Please stop it! We don't have to say his full name all the fricking time!
C: How rude, Glasses! Jugem-Jugem Poop-Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Day Before Yesterday Underwear Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling Two Thirds Worried-Over-A-Hangnail Feeling Though Betrayal Knows My Name I Know The Unknown, The Cuttlefish Tastes Kind Of Different Than It Did Last Time Because It Was Caught Near The Pond And Served With Oil From A Hoofed Mammal Pepepepepepepepepepepe Take Care From Here On In Please And Finally The End Bichigusomaru deserves as much respect as you! This is why you'll always be glasses!
G: I don't even get that much respect?! My name is not Glasses!
Dear Kings,
There's no more mayo in the fridge!
- Lost Without Mayonnaise.
. . .
Dear Lost Without Mayonnaise,
S: Go buy some and drown in a pool of it, damn Mayora!
Dear Kings,
China reminds me of an annoying alien I know.
- Who Cares.
. . .
Dear Who Cares,
S: What the hell did you want advice on?!
C: You wanna go, huh brat?!
Dear Wise Kings,
This odd-jobs company that lives next door are always so damn noisy. Every three weeks there's always an explosion because they won't pay the rent or something. And they have a gigantic dog that makes the earth shake when it barks! What should I do?
- Sick and Tired of Being Insomniac.
. . .
Dear Sick and Tired,
S: Uh, w-we're sorry on behalf of this company.
G: I… I'd tell them n-nicely to stop n-next time it happens…
C: Or just beat them up like you pound mochi, yup!
G: No don't- don't say that—
Anpan Anpan Anpan,
Anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan, anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan. Anpan anpan anpan anpan anpan Anpanman anpan anpan anpan. Anpan anpan!
- Anpanman.
. . .
Dear Anpanman,
G: 9th place-san, uh, I know you're trying to not be plain in our universe, but… um…
S: What is this? Some kind of code? Are you trying to send alien signals to the anpan planet?!
C: Anpan anpan to you too, Jimmyzaki!
Dear Wise Kings-sama,
Please pay up the rent. Otose-sama is waiting, and I'm out of fire throwers.
- Tama.
. . .
Dear Tama,
C: This must be anemonemous, Tama! You can't call yourself Tama on the newspaper!
S: Tell the old hag to wait, alright? Tell her to wait a whole year, thanks.
G: Uh, can we not publish this one?
Dear Kings,
My hemorrhoids are acting up again. I've run out of Borraginol, and I'm kinda stuck here in the toilet. Do you know anyone who can get some for me?
- Please Hurry It Hurts.
. . .
Dear Please Hurry,
G: Do you have no delicacy? Do you have no sense of shame?! Why would you ask for someone to get that stuff for you on the newspaper?!
S: Definitely not the Yorozuya! Don't you dare ask the Yorozuya.
"Why the hell are all these people we know asking us for advice? Do they have nothing else to do? Have they fallen so low?!"
"Why are we friends with these weirdos?!"
Dear 2 Kings 1 Queen,
Do your best! Don't let Kabuki-cho's weirdness get to you.
- Forever Your Fan.
. . .
Dear Forever Your Fan,
S: Oh. Oh, uh… Thank you. Do your best too.
02/12/13: This is a oneshot and if you're thinking about asking the 3 Wise Kings for advice stop right there. I will hit you if you dare. But if you managed to get all the way down here, tell me so I can give you a hug.
If you wanted a translation of Yamazaki's anpan code:
Dear Wise Kings,
I've run out of anpan and milk to offer to the gods, and I can't buy any more. They already know me as Anpanman at the supermart. Please help!
- Anpanman
ok I better go study bye