Warning:
If Christian Grey is your dream guy, if you think that Ana is a strong and smart woman, if you believe that their relationship is the stuff epic romances are made of: this story is not for you. Contrary to what people may think, my purpose is not to antagonise or troll fans. I simply like writing snarky FSoG stories and sharing them with people who like to read snarky FSoG stories. Therefore, I want my stories to be read by people who are likely to enjoy them. So, if you are a Christian/Ana/FSoG fan? You are hereby warned. You will probably not like this.
Explanation:
Several commenters on my previous FSoG stories have expressed that they are either baffled or offended that someone who is not a fan of FSoG is writing FSoG fanfiction.
To those who are offended: I will continue to write what I like to write, regardless of your outrage. And, no, I will not post my stories on another site. Just because it's called 'fanfiction' doesn't mean that I have to be a fan to write a story about something. This is just as much my site as it is your site. I feel sorry for you if the mere existence of someone who is not a fan of FSoG writing about FSoG is somehow affecting your life or your enjoyment of other FSoG stories.
Also, yeah, despite disliking the books, I know a lot about FSoG. It's called 'doing research' a.k.a. 'looking up stuff online.' I do it for all my stories.
Writing FSoG fanfiction as a non-fan has not adversely affected me, by the way. My mental health is fine. Your concern is touching, though!
To those who are baffled: Let's start at the beginning. Why did I read the books? If I don't like them, I simply shouldn't read them, right? This is such a weird argument to me, because how am I supposed to know that I don't like the books when I haven't read them?
So, I read the FSoG books and I didn't like them. I think the books are extremely badly written. I think Ana and Christian's relationship is abusive. I think that Christian is arrogant and manipulative. I think that Ana is snotty and stupid. Yet, I'm writing FSoG fanfiction. Why?
First of all, I like to write fanfiction. Canon can be fun, but it's limited. I like to write about things I would have liked to have seen happen in canon. That is why Christian almost always dies in my stories. It's my way of 'fixing' FSoG. (Note that it is strictly my opinion that the books need 'fixing' and that having Christian die is a way of 'fixing' them).
Secondly, the majority of people who read FSoG fanfiction may be fans, but there are also plenty of people who (like me) didn't exactly love the books and are looking for some snark. For my and their enjoyment, I provide them with that snark.
Thirdly, I am amazed by your bafflement. I write 'Beware: I'm not a FSoG fan' in the summary of all my FSoG stories. Therefore, before reading the story, you already know that I am not a fan. You also know that you should 'beware,' which to any functioning literate would read like a warning that I will, at the very least, be critical of a work of fiction and/or fictional characters that you like.
See, when I picked up FSoG, I expected an erotic love story, because that's how the book is marketed. What I got instead was a crappily written depiction of two insufferable idiots in an abusive relationship. You, on the other hand, knew what to expect when you clicked on my story. It's very hard for me to take you seriously when you then proceed to complain in a review that I should not be writing FSoG fanfiction because I'm not a fan. You were informed beforehand and you chose to read my story anyway. You only have yourself to blame for your disappointment.
If you still feel the need to flame: feel free. Seriously, go ahead. Flame away. I neither mind nor care.
Gathering human data
Explorer's log, Earth date 8th of May 2011.
First entry
Subject: Friendship, Katherine Kavanagh
My host – Anastasia Rose Steele; Ana for short – has few friends, so assimilating those memories and feelings should be relatively easy. For clarity's sake, I will record my host's thoughts in italics.
My best friend is Kate. I hate her. I think that she's a slut for showing affection towards men in public. Also, just for having a sex drive. Plus, she keeps asking me how I'm doing. What a bitch, right? I mean, what sort of a friend is she, caring about my wellbeing and noticing if I'm upset?
Okay, those are Ana's feelings about Katherine Kavanagh, who is supposedly her best friend. Hmm, not quite what I expected. I ask a random woman on the street about it. She nods, as if my story makes sense. Could these feelings be considered normal amongst humans? Standard even?
'Kate sounds like she's your frenemy,' the woman says. That's friend and enemy. Together. Extraordinary! I thought that those were mutually exclusive relationships. I did understand that one can be a friend first and then become an enemy or vice versa, but both at the same time? My alien overlords will be thrilled to have learned something new about the human race.
When I later ask a tiny man about it, though, I am less sure that I have drawn the correct conclusions.
'Girls are weird,' the tiny man replies. Maybe my findings only apply to the female part of the species? Further research is necessary before I report this discovery.