Heart Versus Mind
A/N: A short story which shows what should have happened when Edith visited Anthony at Locksley in the 2011 CS. This deals with the conflict between Anthony's heart and mind as well as Edith's feisty resolve.
Chapter 1 Reminiscences
"Don't encourage her Rosamund; she'll spend her life as a nursemaid."
Violet did not realise Edith had overheard.
Edith had been shocked to learn that Anthony had been injured in the war but her delight in seeing him again after so long had eclipsed this. She only wished they had been able to talk privately but there had been no chance of that with Violet's constant, often inappropriate, interruptions. She had been aware that her pulse was racing for he was still devastatingly gorgeous; slightly more stooped now but with the same endearing lopsided grin and those blue eyes. But Sir Anthony Strallan was more than simply gorgeous; he had been the first man to take an interest in her. He cared what she thought, noticed what she wore and they shared so many common tastes in literature and music. He gave her humdrum existence at Downton a kind of meaning which she never experienced at home owing to the fact she was largely considered surplus to requirements.
Anthony's injury did not bother Edith. She had seen far worse during the days when Downton had been a convalescent hospital. She did not know enough to understand the exact physical limitations it placed on him but he had a household of loyal servants who adored him. She did not consider that he had probably also got mental scars; the nature of which was invisible. She could not understand why Violet would think he might need a nursemaid. Men of their social class usually had valets anyway and he was surely no more likely to drop dead of a sudden heart attack than anyone else of her acquaintance although she could in fact think of people who were more likely candidates.
Edith retired early that evening complaining of a nonexistent headache. Once in her room she lay on her bed and closed her eyes for a moment. She could see his lovely blue eyes and caught herself wondering just what it would be like to look into them every morning. She tried to imagine his mouth on hers and his one good arm wrapped around her. Her heart raced as she realised that the injury did not matter because it was a part of the man she loved and always had.
But she could convince him that she wanted to look after him? She knew that several injured soldiers had gone home from Downton and taken up once again with former wives and sweethearts. She flushed as she realised she was having some rather unladylike thoughts about him.
She had a sudden longing to talk to him; alone and uninterrupted. Perhaps she could offer to take him out for a drive; like he had done with her before the war. She bit her lip; on second thoughts that might not be a good idea. After all he was bound to be feeling the handicap of no longer being able to drive himself around. Violet had commented on his use of a chauffeur and that was even before they knew why he couldn't drive. The last thing Edith wanted was to make him feel inadequate when she knew he suffered enough from lack of confidence and was likely to be even lower on self esteem now. She would drive herself over to Locksley tomorrow and have a talk with him in private. For Edith herself the good thing about being able to drive was that she was no longer reliant on a chauffeur needing to know her comings and goings which did make her life distinctly easier.
She knew that men found it hard to talk about their war experiences and she would not interrogate; just let him know that she was there for him if he needed to talk. She was no longer a child; she had grown up during the war and was no longer the shy young woman Anthony probably remembered. She felt a need to comfort him, to hold him in her arms and with that came the realisation that when she had kissed Farmer Drake she had been imagining that he was Anthony. Farmer Drake was her only experience of a kiss so far but Edith didn't think he counted because he had been married. She had the idea that being kissed by Anthony would surpass that a hundredfold.
Anthony's butler showed her into the library. He did not seem entirely pleased to see her yet nor did he seem unhappy. Seeing her again at the Dower house a few days before had stirred up all the old feelings. She had grown into a very beautiful young woman and his heart ached to sense that she was as overlooked and uncomfortable with her place in society as she always had been. Why did her family not see the treasure that she was; the treasure he had liked to think of as his all too briefly? Damn, he really should not be thinking this way he was especially when he knew what he had to say, His head told him that he was too old for her and now that he was a cripple he would need constant care which would tie her to him and that she was too young for that. He would not be able to hold her properly and he certainly would not expect her to share his bed if they married. It was being cruel to be kind but he had to put an end to any hope she might have of rekindling their pre-war courtship. He had nothing to offer her after all. He still suffered from terrible nightmares and would still occasionally wake up screaming and sweating. That was hardly attractive to any woman. It really was best to set her free to find a younger whole man, forgetting as he did so that most young men Lady Edith's age were either dead or worse maimed than he was. What he did not realise was that she had made a resolution to not let him push her away and as to the totally opposite longings of his heart, well he did not dare contemplate what they were telling him to do and he was not sure whether his head or his heart would win the conflict raging within him.