1. The Bradys' house: First kiss
Brendan:
He's drunk enough that his judgement will be off and his nerve will be up, so if he's ever going to do it, it's going to be now. Not so drunk that tomorrow he won't remember what he's done, though. It's the optimum time.
I've had a few to drink, but I'm stone cold sober. Everything is sharp: nothing is escaping me.
I tell him I'll refill his glass. No, I'll get it, he says, and he stands up to climb past me, and this is it, now or never, and my heart is thumping against my ribs because if he doesn't bite I don't know how I'm going to make it happen.
I put my foot out and trip him up, and he falls right over onto the other sofa. Lands on his back somehow. Yeah.
He's laughing, big stupid grin on his face, and I've landed on top of him, and I'm thinking, Jesus, how obvious can I be, and how's he going to believe this was an accident? I snake my hand round the back of his head and he lets me support him, and he's still smiling up at me, and my eyes are going from his eyes to his mouth and back again, and Christ, the clock's ticking and I don't know how much longer this can go on before he starts to think that it's me that wants to kiss him. So I touch his face with my other hand. He's stopped laughing now. I want to run my thumb across his lips, but I can't do that. Then he mirrors me: his hand comes up to my face, my neck, and then he leans up, and I can see him getting up his courage, and he's almost trembling, and he kisses me. I can feel his Adam's apple under the heel of my hand.
I need to stop it now.
Now.
Less than a second would have been enough, but... I stop it. Stand up. Blame him, because it's his fault, and everything that happens from now on will be his fault because of what he's just done. What he's just started.
I yell at him to go, and he runs. My heart is hammering. I'm sweating.
I can feel his mouth pressed against mine. I can taste whiskey on his lips.
2. Chez Chez: Red shirt kiss
Ste:
I thought we'd sorted it. He said it never happened, like we was both going to forget what I did when I... when I kissed him yesterday. But I'm in the cellar, and I've picked up a crate of beers to bring upstairs, and he walks in. Brendan. And he says, You're not going anywhere, and he locks the door so we're locked in, him and me. He doesn't look angry, but he's not saying anything else and I don't understand what he wants.
He's looking at me like he thinks something's funny, and he's walking towards me and I'm backing away. What's he going to do to me?
He's staring, like proper mental, and my back hits the wall and I'm still holding this crate and he's leaning against it, pushing it into me so it's like I'm trapped. I shut my eyes and I turn my head away, and I can hear him breathing. I can feel him breathing. And then he takes the beer crate off me, and I open my eyes and I see him put it on the side, so it's not trapping me no more but it's not protecting me neither, and he steps closer, proper close, and it's him that's trapping me now. His body.
I'm shaking. If he's going to hit me, can he just do it? Do it so it's over, cos whatever he does it can't be worse than waiting for it. I feel sick, and I feel...
His breathing's like growling.
He looks at my mouth, and I can feel my lips trembling. And then he opens his mouth a bit, and kisses me. Just for a second, like, and then he looks at me again and we look at each other, and I can't believe this is happening but it is, cos then he smiles like he's worked something out – something about me that nobody else knows – and then he kisses me again. I keep my mouth closed, but it's a long kiss, least it feels like it, it feels like his lips are pressing on mine for ever, long enough for me to shut my eyes and want it not to stop.
I can feel his moustache, and it feels softer than I thought. Have I thought about it? I don't even know, but I'm thinking about it now when he stops kissing me, and I open my eyes and look at him, and he looks back at me. And what it looks like is, like he wants me, more than I've been wanted by anyone, ever. And I know what it's like, because I'm feeling it too, it's like this massive feeling that's taking me over and I can't even explain what I'm wanting, but I know whatever it is, Brendan can give it to me.
We're both kissing each other now. I feel his hand grab the back of my neck and he pulls me against his mouth, and I grab him back and pull him too, and the kiss is hard, way harder than you would ever want to kiss a girl.
All I can hear is his breathing, and mine too.
He pushes his tongue into my mouth, and I want it, I want him, I want everything.
3. Ste's flat: Boo kiss
Ste:
I've not seen him for a week. I've been here, indoors. Hiding, I suppose, and thinking, and deciding I'm not going to let him do it again. You know, kiss me and that. Not after he broke my ribs.
But he's here now, just suddenly, right, saying Boo when I open the door, and it's dead confusing cos he's dead calm and quiet, and he explains it all so I forget what I've decided. Because it was me, wasn't it? It must be me, my fault, cos he wouldn't just batter me, would he, if I hadn't of made him lose his temper? So I tell him I'm sorry.
He tells me, Come here, but I don't cos I don't know what he's going to do. I still can't get my head around what I did to make him angry, I'm not... I don't think I'm clever enough, so I don't know if I've done it again. Then he says it again, Steven, I said come here, and I think I better do what he says. But his voice isn't angry, it's low and it sort of vibrates inside me, and my ribs ache where he punched me, or is it somewhere inside my ribs that's aching?
I follow his voice, and he hooks his fingers in the front of my top and sort of pulls me, and I'm scared what he'll do if I don't let him, and I'm scared what he'll do if I do. I'm going to say something. Sorry again, or Don't. But then he kisses me.
It's dead gentle. But I don't kiss him back, not really, and he stops and looks at me, and it's like he's the one that doesn't understand now, and he says, Is everything okay?
Is everything okay? I don't even know. Then he says, You want me to stop? And I don't know the answer to that one either, but then I do, and I'm still scared but I think it's going to be okay now because it's him that's decided where and when, and that's what he's just told me, right? That's the rule. And I can't stop looking at his face. He looks kind, and he looks... he looks gorgeous, and I want to feel it again, what it felt like last week in the cellar. I reach up and sort of stroke round to the back of his neck, and he does this smile like he's pleased with me, and I kiss him.
I shut my eyes and I bet he shuts his too. His mouth is soft, and our tongues touch, and it's like we fit together.
4. Brendan's bed: Shut you up kiss
Brendan:
Dunno what time it is. Stupid o'clock in the morning.
I had him yesterday for the first time. His first time. Our first time. And I've had him again tonight, because I couldn't leave it after I sealed the deal and made him mine at his place, I had to bring him back here because I... because it's been a while since I've pulled, ain't it, and he was up for it, so.
We already woke up in the night, what, an hour ago? A few hours? Dunno. Anyhow, he was putting his T-shirt on, and I thought he was going, and I... I might've told him to stay. Feel responsible, don't I? Can't have a lad like him walking back to that estate in the middle of the night.
So here we are, in bed, his head resting on my arm, warm and heavy. Talking. Well, he's talking: apparently, he does that a lot. S'alright, innit, he says, When it's just you and me, and he looks at me, and he's kind of serious, sad even. I look away, shut my eyes. Has he forgotten, it was just him and me a week ago when I had him crying on the floor in the cellar with his ribs cracked? I ain't forgotten, and I ain't thinking about it. I'm just saying, he says, and I realise he's holding my hand.
Okay.
I tell him he talks too much, and I open my eyes in time to catch him smiling. Jesus, he's like...
Something needs to shut you up, I tell him, and he looks up at me, and he frowns and he wrinkles his nose and he says, What? And I hook him towards me with my arm that's under his head, and he's ready to kiss me like he always seems to be, and as he lifts his face up, our noses clash. When we kiss, I can feel his stubble. First time I've noticed that. And then I shush him, put my finger on his lips, and he looks like he thinks I'm daft; and when he settles back onto my arm I look at him, just for a second, and he's got these eyelashes that make him look innocent, and this mouth that's anything but. And he looks happy.
5. Chez Chez: Interrupted kiss
Brendan:
Does he do it on purpose? I don't think he does – I don't think he even knows what it does to me when he does a thing like that. I've made him a coffee, see, and he takes it from me, and he's holding it in both hands, and he's looking at me across the top of it, right into my eyes, and he blows. He don't even know if it's hot enough to need blowing on, but he puts his lips together and blows.
Jesus. Fucking... Jesus.
I'm asking him about Amy. We've just seen her out in the yard, and the way he is with her, it's just... easy. Intimate. And I can't help wondering if... So I ask him if he's ever been tempted to pick it up where they left off.
I've moved on, he says, and he looks kind of affronted, like it's obvious, and I've offended him. He pouts. Jesus.
I tell him I'm glad to hear it; and then I give him a kiss on his sulking mouth, and he looks at me like a stroppy kid, but then he's mine, he kisses me right back and I feel him holding the back of my neck, his fingers in my hair like he reckons I'm his too. The inside of his mouth is hot from the coffee, or maybe it's just hot. I'm going to have him here among the beer crates, and I don't fucking care.
But then the air goes cold and this world – our world – stops dead, because there's someone there. I hear footsteps. Someone's seen us, and I know who it is.
Steven thinks we can carry on. He wants it bad, but he doesn't get it, does he? He doesn't know what it's like for me.
6. The Bradys' house: Christmas tree kiss
Brendan:
I'm in his bad books. Nothing new there. But he's here, just knocked on the front door and walked in, and I don't know what he wants except maybe a row. So I carry on fiddling with the Christmas tree decoration I've got in my hands, and he's acting casual, and he's not here for a row, is he? He's flirting.
We're flirting.
We almost touch when he moves out the way so I can get to the tree, and I can feel the heat coming off his body as he stands here next to me. I hang the purple bauble on a tinsel branch, and then I turn to him, and he looks up at me, and his face – his whole stance – is cocky, confident, challenging, expectant. I'm going to have to show him who's boss.
I shove him, and he topples like a domino, lands on his back on the sofa. He always lands on his back, does Steven.
I get on him. Mount him. His mouth opens for me, and his hand is in my hair, and we kiss and we go on kissing, and I'm getting hard and I brush his crotch with my knee to find out if he is too. Yeah.
It's me that breaks away; he tries to hold on to me but I get up, because I need to get him in my bed. I'm breathless.
7. The Bradys' house: So walk away kiss
Ste:
I've come here just to find out what happened, right, when Brendan went to see that Kyle whatsisname, cos I need to know what I'm mixed up in, don't I. That's why I'm here. That's why when Brendan tells me to come in, and Cheryl's out – that's why I go in. To find out. And anyway, he says he's not going to hurt me, and it's just the way he says my name – I'm not gonna hurt you, Steven – I just know it's true, one hundred per cent. I know that's not what's going to happen here.
He shuts the door, and it's just me and him now, and the way he looks at me when he walks towards me, I know what is going to happen, and it's like I'm alert. I feel like my skin is alert.
I can hear him breathing, and I can hear him chewing on his chewing gum. And then he touches the hair on my forehead with his fingers, gentle, and he's looking at what he's doing like it's fascinating. And then he touches my cheek, and my neck, and his hand is warm. I say something. It's always on your terms, innit? I'm trying to make a point, so he knows that I know what he's like, but the thing is, what he wants right this minute is exactly the same as what I want.
My voice sounds different to me, sort of low and as soft as how he's stroking my face, and not like how I talk to anyone else, ever.
Is it? he says, and he's looking into my eyes like he can see inside me. And I feel his thumb touch my lip and rest on my chin. And then he says – and it's like a whisper, and I can feel his breath as the words come out – So walk away. And I look at his mouth, and I feel my mouth open and I'm already imagining what it will feel like. He smiles, and then I don't know who kisses who first, and I don't know if my hand is grabbing hold of the back of his head first, or if his hand is grabbing the back of my head first, but probably it's both at once because we need this, him and me, we both do. He's kissing me hard, and I'm kissing him hard, and it's nothing like it's ever felt like with anyone else, and I feel like I'm more of a man than I've ever been.
When his tongue comes into my mouth, I suck the taste of chewing gum off it.
8. Brendan's bed: Gissa kiss
Brendan:
I don't know why I'm talking, sharing this stuff about Warren, Theresa, the shooting of Calvin Valentine. You don't talk – I don't talk – about these things. Careless talk, etcetera etcetera. Thinking out loud, I guess, and I've called him back to bed to do it. A bit of afternoon delight has loosened my tongue. So to speak.
I tell Steven I've done something, something stupid, and it flashes into my head like it does in my nightmares: the memory of it, of Danny Houston, of ending him.
And then I look at Steven, the man I did it to protect; at his face, which not half an hour ago was flushed and open-mouthed as he screamed my name, but which is now clouded with anxiety. He's worried, about me I guess, and he shouldn't be but God alone knows, I've given him enough reason. He's frowning, and searching, and he's just a kid ain't he? And I need him not to have the weight of my problems on him. Yeah, need.
It's nothing for you to worry about. I give him a smile, and I pray what I'm saying is true. I promise.
He's not convinced, so I try something else. Gissa kiss, I tell him, and he's surprised, and I am too. Gissa kiss. And he smiles – we both do – and he leans and kisses me, just quickly, and I nod my head, Good, and it's not about sex, maybe for the first time. It's about, I don't know, reassurance? Affection, is it? It's about –
Fuck.
9. The SU Bar stairway: Goodbye kiss
Brendan:
He's got guts, for a skinny little lad, I'll say that for him. Telling me like that, straight out, Rae's pregnant. He don't know I knew already and it's been sitting like a knot in my stomach since Amy delivered the news.
He wants something from me, expects it because of yesterday: because of how we were together yesterday, a lifetime ago.
I was using you, Steven, like I always do. I don't believe it when I say it, so why the fuck would he? So I slam him back against the wall to help it sink in for the both of us, and I threaten him with a smack if he don't keep his hands off me; and I've got the front of his Chez Chez hoodie bunched in my hands, and my face is this close to his, and he should be trying to get away, and if he did, I'd let him. But he stays. He's scared, and he's confused; I can see all that and something else in his eyes, but he stays with me. And it's the something else in his eyes that's making me as scared as him. And then he says it, the thing that his eyes are saying from behind all the fear and disappointment: I love you.
I've heard it before, those same words. Jesus, only a couple of months ago, from Macca, but it's never... It didn't hit me like it does now, like a punch in my chest, and I can't –
Shut up, I tell him, Please, just... Just don't make me hear that, not now that it's over. It's got to be over. I've got to lose him.
Then he kisses me. No. I stop him. My forehead is pressed against his, pushing him away, staying with him. I look at his face, so close, and there's tears in his eyes, and I touch his cheek with the tips of my fingers, and he's so fucking perfect. And then I kiss him, because I can't not. I'm holding his head in my hand, I'm holding it hard, I can feel his hair fringing over my fingers, I can feel his ear pressed under my thumb, and I can feel his mouth open against mine, and I want to remember all of this and the taste of him and the feeling of how much he wants me.
The kiss is finished. On this echoing staircase in a fucking student bar, it's finished. My forehead's leaning on his again, but I can't touch him any more so I break away, and I can't look at him because if I do, I might not be able to make myself leave him alone.
Something inside of me feels like it's been ripped.
That was goodbye.
10. Chez Chez: First office kiss
Ste:
He's up to something, I know he is. I mean, I know why he binned me off – at least I think I do. It's because we've got a baby on the way, me and Rae, and he thinks I need to step up to the plate and make a proper go of things with her, and he's right. I know he is. It's just, I thought me and Brendan were... Anyway, so I don't see why he's like Rae's best mate all of a sudden, like he's all over her at this sort of party thing at work, but then Cheryl says something to me. She says it's not Rae that he's doing it for – the money, the being nice, all that. She says he's doing it for me, because he cares about me.
And now Mitzeee's asking me what I see in him, and I remember, and it's like I've forgot about it on purpose because, you know, I didn't think he wanted it any more. Wanted us, I mean. Wanted me. So I say to Mitzeee that he's different when we're on our own, and he's dead protective, and if he likes you he'll do anything for you. And that's what he's doing, I can see it now: it's what Cheryl said. The things he's doing for Rae, he's doing because of me.
So I go to him. I ask him why he never talks to me about things, about his life and that, because he's just told Rae that his dad ran off when he was a kid, and he's never told it to me. Soon as I mention his dad, he stops chewing his gum and he tenses up and his eyes go cold, but there's loads of people about so what can he do to me? So I put my hand over his hands. Then he threatens to break my arm, so I leave it.
Only I can't leave it, because I miss him, and I think after what Cheryl's said, he's not over me like he says he is. So I follow him when I see him go into the office. I go in after him and I shut the door, and I just look at him. What do you want? he says.
Same thing as you. And I hope I'm right, cos if I'm wrong I'm making a big mistake. He puts down the order book he's holding, and he asks what I'm going on about, like he's dead bored and he doesn't feel a thing. I just go for it. This is not about Rae, it's not about the baby, is it? It's about me. He tells me to get back to work, and just the look of him, it makes me a bit scared, but I need to know that I'm right. I tell him, No. Go on, admit it. You want me – and he can't even look at me, so it makes me think it's true what I'm saying – Just as much as I want you.
One more word, Steven. I feel like laughing, because all this time I've thought what he said that day he dumped me must be true, that he was using me, but it's not like that at all. I know now, what I came in here to find out. So I turn away and I'm going.
Then he grabs me and pulls me back, nearly pulls my arm out of its socket, and he looks at me like he's looked at me before when he was going to batter me, and I think this is it, cos when he's angry there's nothing I can do, nothing that will stop him. And then he doesn't do anything, and it feels like we're stood there for ever but it's only a second, must be, and then he's got my head in his hand and we're kissing, and he's angry and it's fierce and we can't stop. And I was right, he still wants me, just like I want him.
I hold on to him, one hand on his neck, one hand on his hip, because the room's spinning and I don't know what will happen if I let go.
11. Chez Chez: Shirtless office kiss
Brendan:
We remembered to lock the door.
It's been, what, three weeks? Feels like for fucking ever.
We're getting dressed now. Least, I am; Steven's put on his boxers and stopped there. He's rubbing his shoulder and looking at me, and he's glowing with his own power. He knows it too. His confidence is delicious.
I'm out of breath: must be getting old, although to be fair, there was a fair bit of energy expended. Steven looks... I don't even know. He looks far too clean to have been as dirty as he's just been, with his mouth and his hands and his tight little arse and his flexibility. The skin on his body, on his arms, is smooth and flawless, and just looking at it I can feel it again, sleek and soft, and the fragile bones and stringy muscles beneath the surface.
I'm getting my shirt on and he steps nearer, and he says Don't go, and he's looking up at me, challenging me, hungry, and as I tell him I have to, I have to, he's shaking his head, and as I tell him Don't, he's craning up and kissing me, and he's tiny, and his hair's messed up and I can taste myself on his mouth, and what am I supposed to do? And he's pushing my shirt off my shoulders and onto the floor, and he's clinging onto me around my neck, and his narrow body is pressed against me, and his tongue is in my mouth, and we're still kissing when the door opens.
Forgot about the spare key, didn't I.
12. Chez Chez: Ultimatum kiss
Brendan:
I seen him in that spa place. Steven, in a spa. Right. So I wondered what was the attraction, and there he was, sat there with that queer fella that works there, the one that's as camp as a row of tents, sitting too close to Steven and practically salivating over him. Made me sick to my stomach.
I'm back in the club now, and Steven comes up the stairs with something on his mind. Don't tell me, he wants to talk. Yeah, well, he's come to the wrong man.
Just admit it, he says, no 'hello', no 'how's things'. Just admit it, you're not over me. What the fuck? I guess he must think I was at that spa to keep an eye on him. I stand up, and I might just throw him back down those stairs. And he looks... he looks like he's hurting. I'm not over you, he says, and it's me, ain't it, it's me that's hurting him, and I hear the pain in his voice when he says to me, I'm sick of all this, and then I think he's going to cry but he doesn't, he switches all of that, whatever it is that he's feeling, into anger, and he's shouting now, exasperated, Just once and for all, right, do you want to be with me or not?
Yes, I want to be with him but I can't, okay? Not like he wants me to be, not out together, not proud of him like he deserves, because that's not the man I am. Maybe in a parallel world I could be that man, but not in this one, not in the world where the voices in my head, my dad's voice, the Father's voice, all those voices speak of Hell and fags and queers and what a man is and what a man is not. What he wants me to be, the life he wants me to give him, I can't offer. But I do want him. I do. And that's all I've got for him.
Do you want to be with me or not?
I get hold of his head in both my hands and I kiss him, and I need to, and it's all I've got. And he half kisses me back, and half fights me off and pushes me away.
Are we done? I say to him. Does he understand that this is all I have?
He doesn't say anything. Then he says, No.
No.
13. Chez Chez: Coming out kiss
Ste:
I knew Brendan was back cos I saw him before. He saw me first, though, with Noah. I'm glad. Not glad he's back, obviously, but glad he knows I'm with Noah now, so he can see that I've got my own life and I'm not just waiting for him to... So that's what Brendan said to me anyway, he said that it's good that I've moved on.
I'm at work now, and I don't know what's happened, but Brendan's just told me he's my new boss. It looks like Cheryl's sold her half of the club to him, so my two bosses now are Warren Fox and Brendan Brady. Lucky me. Still, as long as he knows he's just my boss, nothing more, it's not a problem.
He's told me to open a bottle of Champagne cos he's celebrating. He's being nice, actually, in a pleased with himself sort of way. Warren's called him over though, so he goes off and talks to him. Mitzeee's here, she comes to the bar and I'm nattering with her, then I get a funny feeling and I look across at Brendan, and he's staring at me. Him and Warren both are. It's well weird.
I go back to tidying the straws.
Next thing, I'm just coming out from behind the bar and I see Brendan coming over, and he shouts out, Ladies and gentlemen, and everyone looks, and then he says quieter, Can I have your attention please. I think maybe he's going to announce that he's the new owner, but then he looks at me, and I'm right next to him, and he says Steven, and I don't know what it's got to do with me. He looks scared though, to me. I don't know if anyone else would think so, but I know him, don't I. Scared, and like he's trying to tell me something.
And now he's got me, he's grabbed me and he's kissing me, and this can't be happening. This is Brendan. I'm so shocked, I don't kiss him back, I just let him do it – not got much choice – and I can feel his teeth on mine, and it's just dead silent, and I can taste the Champagne he's been drinking.
He lets go, and we just look at each other. Then he looks over at Warren, and he says, I'm done with him. Do what you want.
I don't understand what's happened. Did he just kiss me?
14. The Bradys' house: Kitchen kiss
Brendan:
I shouldn't have let him in. Whiskey's the thing I need right now, not him asking questions. I ain't got answers for him, not the kind he wants anyways. It's not like I thought it through, just like I didn't think through answering the door to him when he came hammering on it, so now he's here and I'm thinking, what was the point in telling Warren Fox that I was done with the boy, when not half an hour later he's in my house again? How is this meant to keep him safe? I need to be done with him like I said I was.
Steven is glad. That's what he says to me. He's glad I kissed him in front of the whole fucking world. Reckons I didn't mean it when I said I was done with him. If everybody knows about you now, then that means we can be together, dun't it. He's inching nearer as if he can't see how close to the edge I am, or maybe he sees it but risks it anyway. I face him. Whatever he's going to say, I don't want to hear it. What he's saying is the opposite of the way things are, but he makes it sound possible, and his eyes are full of workings-out and hope and concern.
You think so? I say to him, and he sort of nods, and he's sort of scared, and I need him gone or what I did back in the club won't save him and I've destroyed myself for nothing.
You know what you want? he says, and he's not scared, is he? I was wrong about that. He puts his hands on me, kind of holds my face, and I want him to, I want him to hold me and make it go away, all the shit out there, all the ghosts that follow me. And when he says, I was meant to kiss you back, wasn't I, yeah? I wish that that was the answer to it all. Please, he says, and his forehead touches mine like he wants this pain to go from me to him. Everything's changed now, he says, and he's right but not in the way he thinks, and I get his hands off me because no, we can't be together, not ever.
But I can't stop looking at his face. How can he be the problem, this boy looking back at me like I am someone, like I mean something. He looks like he's breaking.
I kiss him. His lips are closed, and they're warm, and if I just think about them, and him, then maybe for a while there won't be space in my head for everything else. I touch the corner of his mouth with my fingers, and he's perfect, and he's the one good thing that I've got. I kiss him again, and he kisses me back, and we don't stop kissing as we drag off our clothes and I back him into my bedroom.
15. The Bradys' house: ILY day kiss against the wall
Ste:
I've dreamt about him saying it, but that's not what I've come here for. Only, when he says it, I love you, Steven, I can't remember what I have come here for, and a bit of me thinks it might've been for this, even though I didn't believe he would ever say them words.
I can't cave in though. I'm not the same as I was before, so when he says, That's what I didn't tell you, and I turn back to look at him and he actually looks me in the eyes, not shifty, not sort of hiding, and his eyes look like he's a bit scared, and he says it again, I love you – I take a breath and I say the right thing, the sensible thing: It's too late.
And I'm sticking to it. I tell him I'm not putting up with him again, and I mean it, even if I still fancy him. And I do fancy him, he makes me admit it and I'm not going to lie, but that's not enough even if he thinks it is. I'm not falling back into his bed, no.
He says he'll change, he promises he will but I've heard it before, and I think about the violence and I ask him, in his face, So all them times when you were smacking me around, you did that because you loved me? And he can't look at me now, and he says it wasn't about me, like as if he's been thinking about what he did and why he did it.
I'm not giving in. I tell him I'm going, but he puts his hand on the door to stop me, and I say Don't, because I think, is he going to prove he's a liar already by battering me? But that's not what scares me, not really. I'm scared he's not going to hit me, he's going to make me want him back.
I think if I look at him I've lost, but I look at him anyway.
I've never seen him like this. The things he's saying are like things people say in films, not in real life. Not in my real life. Every day until I'm in my grave, you will always be in my head, Steven. How can someone say that about me? I can see in his eyes that he means it though, and it's dead confusing, and he's making more promises, and he tells me to go if I don't believe him.
I don't go.
I can feel him wanting me but it's not like before. This is like he's got to have me back, like his life depends on it. He's not even touching me, he's just...
I can't, I'm telling him, or I'm telling myself.
Yeah, yeah you can.
I can't. And we're looking at each other, and it's like he needs me to say yes to him. I can smell his aftershave, and I've missed him, and I look at his mouth, and what have I got to lose except everything?
I kiss him, and I feel it everywhere like I always did. I grab hold of him, and I can feel his stubble and I can feel him breathing me in. And kissing him again after all this time is like a shock, and he must be shocked too cos he's letting me push him across the room til his back hits the wall and we jerk apart for a second, and he lets out this sound that's like the sexiest thing I've ever heard. I kiss him again, and he's holding me and kissing me back and he's breathing the life back into me that I didn't know I'd lost.
He asked me to tell him I want him. Well this is me, telling him.
16. The Bradys' house: ILY day kiss on the floor
Brendan:
My arm is around him. I can feel his soft hair as his head rests back onto my biceps. He's leaning in to me, and the skin of his arm is hot against my side, and where we touch we stick together with sweat. My eyes are closed so I feel these sensations acutely.
We started to get dressed but we caught each other's eyes as we searched around the room for our clothes, and once we looked at each other we fell on each other again; and I guess we should finish getting dressed but for now, we're sat on the floor where we landed when we slid from the sofa.
Been like this a while.
You didn't say all that stuff just so I'd sleep with you again, did you?
After the sex comes the talking: always the same with Steven. But I don't want to talk, because the answer is no, no I didn't say it all to get what I wanted, I meant every word, every promise, and I mean them now, and I'll do it, we'll do it, but it scares me to fucking death. It's going to be one step at a time, no big announcements, and let me get used to the idea as we go. Let's see how people take it, and when something sends me backwards let him keep me going forward, and sometime down the line I'll take that last step, the one that makes my stomach knot just thinking about it: facing my family, my kids.
I'm not one for conversation. Not this kind, anyhow. So all I say is, You're gonna have to learn how to trust me, hm?
And he does. Or he gives me the benefit of the doubt, which is more than I've a right to expect. His face is serious, and he nods his head, and Christ, he's beautiful; and then he cranes his neck up and we kind of smile at each other, and we kiss, and it... it's sweet, like it's a reward. We turn to each other again and we kiss again, and we hold on, his face in my hand, mine in his, and his mouth is yielding, wet and open as my tongue goes in, and I take his bottom lip into my mouth, and I think this – all of this – is what love feels like.
And then the front door opens and the real world comes in.
17. Festival: Kiss in front of Doug
Brendan:
I'm waiting. Selling drinks to lame-ass students at this party, festival, money-making opportunity, whatever the fuck it is. And all the time, I'm waiting for him to come and find me and tell me he's made up his mind. I know he'll come, I can feel it, but what he'll say, I don't know.
Did you mean what you said? About changing?
Here he is, and he's got my attention. Every word, I tell him, and it's true. Those words I said to him today were true – well, apart from the bit about spending last night alone in that hotel bed, but there's no point complicating this thing even more – even though I said them to manipulate him back into my life. I confessed that I'd planned it all. I told him that I'm exhausted with the games I play. I meant these things. The emotion that I said them to him with was an impersonation of emotion, I'll admit that: with the stakes this high I have to keep a wall around me, because what if I lose? What's going to protect me then, if I've given my defences away?
Okay then, he says.
I catch sight of Douglas over in the distance, watching us. Good. He needs to see this, because I need him gone now that I know what his game is. I duck out from under the canopy of the Chez Chez stall, and I go to Steven because Steven ain't coming to me, I can see that. This is on his terms. He seems older somehow, stronger, like he's become a match for me in the ten months since I lost him, and I have to contain myself because a false move would wreck this.
I put a hand on his neck, and I feel his hair prickling against my fingers and thumb where it's razored short. I lean in to kiss him and I think he's going to kiss me back but he pulls away before our lips meet, shakes his head, and I have to let go. No, he says. Not like before.
Of course, I tell him. His terms, and he lays them out to me: If we do this it's gotta be different, this time, okay? I've gotta be equal. That control goes, or I am. I look at him. He's serious. He's thought this through, and he knows me. This new version of him will take some learning about.
Okay Steven. I accept his terms, but he ain't finished.
That deli's got to be a hundred per cent mine. Right, it's the only way. Right. He can have the deli, he can have any fucking thing – but he's got to be a hundred per cent mine. That's my terms. I say to him, And Douglas?
He doesn't answer, but he kisses me, and I want to pull him against me and feel the beat of his heart, but I don't because I want Douglas to see that it's Steven that made the move, so I let him kiss me, and I let him stop. We look at each other, Steven and me, and I wonder. This was what he always wanted, wasn't it? Being out in public like I could never be. This should mean something to him, shouldn't it, that we're here where a hundred people might be watching us do this. But there's something in the way he kissed me, something equivocal, and it makes me uneasy.
I put it out of my mind. He's changed, our terms have changed, and it's early days, and without him I've never come close to how I am with him, with his touch and the taste of his lips.
18. Festival: Kiss in front of Amy
Ste:
I've got a letter to write, and I've got to do it now so it's done and there's no changing my mind, cos if I don't, if I leave it, I'm scared it's going to be like before and I'll go back to him like I always do. Cos I've kissed him, and it's meant to be a plan, but it's like it reminded me of what was good about us: me and Brendan. And I'm meant to be only remembering what was bad.
So I go to our stall, mine and Doug's. Amy's minding it, and I ask her to mind it for a bit longer, cos this letter needs writing so I'll know there's no going back. And I turn to go, and he's there and he grabs me with his hand around the back of my neck, and he pulls me to his mouth and he kisses me, hard like I belong to him, and everyone can see but he doesn't care, and why does he have to be like this, out in the open like I always wanted, now that I've got a way to get away from him for ever? I feel –
I get him off me. I've got to do what I'm doing because of everything he's done to me. I tell him, No. It's not gonna be like it always was. Equals now, remember? And I'm proud of how strong I sound. And he agrees, and he goes to phone his solicitor to get it sorted. And the sooner the better, cos my heart is banging and my throat feels tight, and I can feel where his hand was when he kissed me, and I felt how much he wanted me, and I felt the danger of him.
I need to be safe. I'll be safe with Doug, and Doug needs me, and I love him, don't I?
19. Chez Chez: Kiss across the table
Ste:
Brendan's said he'll look after me. He's said he's setting me free. He's signed this thing that the solicitor's brought, and I've signed it too. It's proper official now, there's no debt any more. I've done it, I've got my own back. I've made him pay.
He's said he'll look after me and he's setting me free, but he must think he's buying me, mustn't he, or what's he doing it for? Control, that's what he wants, like yesterday at that hotel when he thought I was his on a plate. That's what he thinks of me.
He looks well pleased with himself.
He doesn't hardly take his eyes off me while we sit here upstairs in his club, and I know what he's thinking. He's thinking what we're going to do as soon as the solicitor leaves us alone. Maybe on the sofa here, or maybe in the office, or maybe he wants to take me back to his place and we'll do it in his bed. I can see him thinking about it, and that makes me think about it too, and he knows it. He thinks he knows it all.
The solicitor bloke gets up and goes.
Brendan gets off his chair and sort of mounts the table, and he's going to kiss me like he's just bought the right to do it.
There's a scent he's got. His aftershave, I suppose, and something else that's just him, and I lean up and breathe it in. I don't mean to, but I do, and I don't mean to kiss him back, but I do, and it... I've got to stop.
It feels weird. I nearly laugh when I stop it and tell him that's enough. It feels like I'm powerful. Don't even think about lying to me, he said to me once, You're not clever enough – but he was wrong, I've lied to him now and I've been cleverer than him, and that must be why I'm buzzing. That must be why I feel like I'm on fire.
20. Chez Chez: Ask me to stay kiss
Brendan:
I nearly lost him.
I watched him lying in that hospital bed, helpless, and I didn't know what to do so I did the one thing I could think of, I made a deal with God: let him live, and I'll give him up. Okay, so it's kinda Old Testament, sacrificing your own heart in return for a miracle; but God kept His side of the bargain, so.
And now I'm losing him all over again. He's selling up, heading off to America with Douglas. I hadn't figured on those three thousand miles of ocean when I swore to keep my distance, but it's for the best.
It's just... he's come to see me. I don't even have to look around to know it's him, I know his footsteps on the stairs. Come to say goodbye, has he?
I'm cold to him. Got to be.
You do realise, he says, When I leave, you're never gonna see me again. What's he doing? Twisting the knife? I tell him I hope he and Douglas will be very happy, and it's true, I want him to be happy, but Jesus, he's not, is he? He's not here to say goodbye or to twist the knife. He's here for something else. He's here for me. Come on, just ask me, he says. Just ask me to stay with you, you know that I will. Brendan, please, just ask.
Why now? Why now, when it's impossible – why now?
I turn and face him but I try not to look at him, only he's looking at me so hard I have to meet his eyes. And then he kisses me. It's been six months, and his lips feel as familiar as if it's been no time at all, but I don't kiss him back. I don't dare. Steven, I say to him, and he's leaning his forehead on mine, and he shakes his head to stop me telling him no, and this can't happen, but it does happen, because this is us, me and Steven, and we can't help ourselves. My hand is on him and we're kissing, and he's holding on to me like he's been dying without me.
I've got to save him. I push him away. Please, I say. Please get the message – but he doesn't, he hasn't, and how could he when we've just kissed like that? He tells me, It's okay, and there's hope in his face, and I need him to hate me, and I punch him.
I don't know how else to stop him.
He falls, from the shock I guess, as much as from the impact, and he looks up at me, and what's in his eyes is disappointment, betrayal, hurt.
That's what I wanted, wasn't it?
21. The Ha'penny Bridge: Reunion kiss
Brendan:
Maybe I'm wrong about God; about what God wants. Maybe sometimes He'll throw you a chance of Heaven in this life not the next, and it's a sin not to take it.
He caught up with me in my hotel room, Steven did, and I sent him packing. But now it's me that's caught up with him on the Ha'penny Bridge. Out of all the places he could've run to, I've found him, like it was always meant to be – and he doesn't want to know. He's had enough games and enough smart remarks and enough lies and rejection to last a lifetime, I guess, and he deserves for all of that to stop, and then maybe...
I tell him about the deal I made with God to spare his life, and what he says is, What century do you live in? Right, you're not normal. I see myself through his eyes, and Jesus Christ, he's right about me, but he doesn't get that it was all I had when he was lying in that hospital. I try to explain, but he doesn't trust me. He asks me, Why are you here?
Cos I love you. Cos I can't live my life without you. I love you, Steven.
He takes for ever to answer, but I know what his answer's going to be before he says it: I can see his heart winning its fight with his head. I love you too.
I take a step or two closer to him. I'm gonna kiss you now, I tell him. Come here.
He almost smiles, like he hardly dares to. He's crying. Then he decides, and he moves towards me, puts his bag down on the ground, and he frowns a little bit like he can't believe all of this is happening, and he's right in front of me and I can't believe it either. And I touch his face, and I kiss him, and I can taste the salt of his tears where they've pooled on his top lip, and there's stubble there, like, just a whisper of it, and he's holding me too now, his hand icy cold on my neck.
I can't hear the traffic any more, or see the people passing by us on the bridge. All there is, is him, his mouth against my mouth, his body under my hands as we kiss, and kiss, and kiss.
22. Brendan's hotel room: Morning boyfriends' kiss
Ste:
I think he's gone. Like, just for a minute, when I wake up and he's not there, I think... But then he walks in, and he's got us some breakfast, and he takes off his big leather coat and he's got this vest on, right, and his arms look... proper massive. This time yesterday I thought I'd never be with a man like him again. Him, I mean – there aren't any men like him.
He sits down on the bed and, being Brendan, he dives into eating the toast that he's brought, and he gets crumbs in his moustache.
I reach up to brush the crumbs away, and I feel sort of shy about it, which is well weird because we've spent the night doing all kinds. He smiles at me, and his smile's not all Brendan Brady, it's like, my Brendan.
We're going home. We. He says we are, cos I've got the kids there, but we've got the rest of the day to ourselves first, and he says he's going to show me the sights. He gets on top of the bed – on top of me. My sights, he says, and I say, Sounds promising, and he says, Doesn't it, and he's looking at me like I've never been looked at by anybody except him. Anything you wanna see... he says, and his voice is dead quiet and deep in his throat like when he says stuff when we're... you know. And then he kisses me. It's a little kiss, right, dead soft, just his lips on my lips, then he says …Or try... and he kisses me again and I kiss him, for a bit longer, then …I'm your man. Whatever the pleasure. He sort of smiles, and the sun's coming through the curtains and lighting up his face, and I can see the lines around his eyes, and I sort of smile up at him.
We're kissing properly now. I lift my head up off the pillow to meet him, and I can feel his moustache under my nose, and I can taste toast. I can feel him breathing me in. These kisses feel like sex, and like love.
23. The derelict pub: Kiss after trashing the place
Ste:
I've never seen him like this, and it scares me. I'm not scared of him, I'm scared for him, and I want to go, I want to get him out of here. I knew his dad was bad, right, but not that bad – I knew he knocked Brendan about, but I didn't know he called him 'Brenda' and made him be sick in front of all them men in this pub.
It's like he's gone back in time. He doesn't even sound like himself, and I've got to do something, cos I can feel him going away from me and getting into some place where I can't reach him.
I tell him it doesn't matter any more. I show him it's just dust. I tell him, none of this – this place, this stuff he's remembering – none of this can hurt him any more. I pick up a glass and I throw it and it smashes. See? And he does see. He smiles, and picks up a bar stool and lobs it across the pub, and then we're both doing it, grabbing hold of anything we can and taking it in turns to chuck it and smash it to bits. And he stops, and he turns round and looks at me, and I smile at him. And it's me he's grabbing now, and he's smashing my mouth with his mouth, and his hands are all over me, my hair, my neck, my back, and I'm grabbing him too, pulling him nearer, and breathing doesn't matter any more. I can't let him go. I nearly did, but I can't.
24. The Bradys' house: See you tomorrow kiss
Brendan:
So we're back from Dublin, together, and Cheryl's happy for us – she's opened a bottle of Champagne.
Steven's got to go, got to get back to his kids and explain to them about what's happened. About us. He wants to do it on his own, and I guess he's right.
He stands up to go, and I stand up too. Hey, I say to him, See you tomorrow? And he looks at my mouth then my eyes, and he says, Too right you will, and I say, Too right I will, and I hold the back of his head with my hand, and we kiss right there with Cheryl stood looking at us, and it feels normal. Natural.
I have a crafty suck on his bottom lip; it tastes of Champagne.
He looks at me after, and he's beautiful, and he says, Love you. And I say, Love you too. Now, scram, and I give his little backside a slap to see him off.
25. The village: Kiss under the tree
Ste:
Something's changed since yesterday. I don't notice at first cos I'm thinking about him and me and what we're going to do today, but then he gets all snappy, and then he gets all quiet, and then he tells me, his dad's here.
I want to help. I know he's freaked out, and I'm not surprised cos I saw what he was like in Dublin in his dad's dirty old pub, so it's not much use telling him to get it over with and to just tell his dad that he's gay. So I tell him, whatever he decides, I'll stand by him; and he looks at me like he's grateful, like I've said the right thing. And then he looks past me, and his face changes and he's panicking, and he jumps up from where we're sitting and he runs behind that big tree, and he says, It's my dad. It's my dad. And he wants me to go to him, so I do.
It scares me, seeing him like this. I mean, he's Brendan. But then he sort of laughs at himself, like he's embarrassed by what he's being like, and I want to tell him it's okay, it's okay to be worried, there's no rush. But he stops me. He says he's going to tell his dad who he is. For us, he says. Right now. Well... not... right now. And he comes up close to me, and he smiles, and I smile too when I get what he's on about.
He holds the back of my neck and we kiss. I get a mouthful of tache, and he bites and bites at my lip, and I think I've got Brendan back, and I hold on to him. We stand behind that tree, and we keep on kissing, and I can feel him feeling better.
26. Ste's flat: Christmas Eve kiss on the couch
Brendan:
Two people have called me a Grinch today: Steven this morning, and then Anne. The day's been shit, to be honest, but it's turning around. Steven's turning it around, him and his kids, letting me back in to tell them I'm sorry. Leah forgives me for shouting at her, it looks like, and that's good enough for her daddy.
The kids are in bed now. I'm still, I don't know, preoccupied. My dad is in my head. But Steven is here, and if I focus on him, the rest of it recedes. He's given me Father Christmas's glass of sherry to drink: I give it a go, and he eats the mince pie, and I don't know what happens to the carrot for Rudolf but I bet he'll sort that out too. This stuff matters, doesn't it?
He misinterprets what I'm brooding about, thinks I'm worried that the kids won't get used to me, and maybe he's right, maybe that's part of it, so anyhow he tells me, It's only been a few days. He's on the sofa beside me, and I've put down the sherry and he's put down the mince pie, and I look at his face and I say to him, Good days. A couple of good days. And he says that last couple of words with me.
How can I not smile at him when he looks at me like that? He smiles too, and we kiss, and I just get the taste of that mince pie he's been eating, before Leah calls for him.
Don't go anywhere, he says.
27. Ste's flat: Christmas Eve kiss under the mistletoe
Ste:
No one ever said it would be easy, and if they did, they'd be wrong. It's Brendan, innit. But when I see him reading my Leah a bedtime story, I can't hardly believe how far we've come. I'm dead proud of him.
He says he's sorry about the mood he's been in today. His dad gets under his skin, he says, and he can't get him out. Brendan never used to say sorry, or if he did I could never believe him, but I do now. I tell him his dad will be gone in a few days, then it'll be just him and me again.
I'm counting the days, he says, and he starts to walk away, and I stop him, Oh, and Brendan – and I get out this bit of mistletoe that I nicked from the Dog, and I hold it up, and I say, Merry Christmas, and I grin at him but I know he's just going to laugh. I mean, mistletoe's just silly, right? And he says, Seriously? and I nod my head, and he smiles and he says, Okay.
He's really tall.
I can feel his mouth wide open. I can feel his fingers touching my neck, just lightly. He's... I don't think he's hardly ever kissed me this gently before, it's... it's like he can't believe his luck, and I can't believe mine either. He's kissing me softly, and deep, and I don't want him to stop, ever, ever, ever.
28. Chez Chez: Take off your clothes kiss
Ste:
So I've took him some breakfast, over the road to the club. He's probably had breakfast already before he come to work, but he gets hungry, right, and anyway he didn't come round to mine last night, and I've missed him.
He's on his own, stood behind the bar, doing his paperwork, but soon as I walk in he drops it and he says it's very thoughtful of me, you know, bringing him a butty, and he walks round to my side of the bar. There's something else you can do for me, he says, and he's got that look and that voice, and he's stood right up against me now, and I look in his eyes and I know what he's thinking. Mmhm? I say, and then he leans down and I can feel the hairs of his moustache tickling my ear, and his breath's all warm, and he whispers, Take off your clothes.
What, in here? It's sort of took me by surprise, see, cos I thought he was going to say come to the office or the toilets or something, like we used to.
Nobody's watching, he says, except he is, he's watching me as I start to strip, and I wouldn't for anyone else, would I, but it's Brendan, and I want to get fucked.
Something's put him in a good mood this morning. He says he feels like spreading the joy, and he grabs a hold of me because he can't wait, and neither can I, and it feels amazing kissing like this, kissing hard, with my shirt half way undone, and anyone could walk in and we're not even ashamed.
And then Joel walks in.
We should've gone to the office.
29. Ste's flat: Babysitting kiss
Ste:
The kids are well happy, they can't go to school because there's a burst pipe there, I've just had a phone call telling me. I'm not happy. I'm single-handed at the deli and I'm running late as it is, and I can't take Leah and Lucas to work with me, specially when they're hyper like they are this morning.
I look at Brendan, and he says no before I've even asked him. Oh, come on, I say, I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate. I tell him I can't afford not to go in, and I tell him to look at the kids' faces, and they do this pose like they're little angels. I see him cave in.
Well, lucky for you I've got nothing important to do today, so...
Yes. I grab his face and I lean up to kiss him, and he does this long Mmmm sound, and I tell him I owe him, big time.
I bet he's looking at my bum as I go out the door.
I never thought we'd have kisses like that. It mostly used to be all about sex, because we were never together, so when we were, we were always sort of desperate. But now, I can give him a little kiss in front of the kids like a proper couple, just to tell him I love him, and I don't get the feeling that it's, sort of, a waste of a kiss. Because I know we're going to have sex tonight, and the next night, and every night.
I'm buzzing.
30. Ste's flat: Daddy Brendan kiss
Brendan:
I think I'm winning. Okay, so the kids have run me ragged, and my parenting skills were found wanting, but we've sorted out our differences, Leah and I. To be fair, she's got me wrapped around her little finger – I sometimes wonder if Amy got her dates mixed up and Steven's her dad genetically, as well as in all the ways that matter.
They're decorating the cake that we've made when Steven gets home from work, and we're singing. Yeah. He asks whose idea it was to bake him a cake, and Leah says, Daddy Brendan. Steven looks at me like he's... yeah, like he's proud, so. Daddy Brendan? he says, and I say to him, D'you hear that? Daddy. Ain't getting rid of me now, are you? And I lean down and kiss him, a peck you might call it although he still takes the trouble to pucker up for me, so I register the softness of his lips.
I never thought we'd have kisses like that, in front of his kids, like a normal couple. Not about sex, because we both know we'll be getting plenty when the kids have gone to bed. Just a kiss because I love him, and he's my boyfriend.
I think I'm winning. I think there's a fighting chance he'll reckon it's worth the struggle. I'm buzzing.
31. Carter & Hay: We're gonna be alright kiss
Ste:
It scares me, seeing him like this. It scares me more than when we had that row today about Amy, cos I was fired up then – we both were – but now he's different. Vulnerable. And I think that's what's scaring me, because when Brendan Brady's not acting like he's king of the world, it makes me feel vulnerable too. And he's been like this a lot lately.
He says he's scared – actually admits it. We're a right pair. And we are a pair, aren't we, a couple. So if it's my turn to be the strong one, that's what I'll do, and we'll get through this together, and the next thing and the next thing.
He's come to the deli at closing time to tell me something: he tells me he loves me, and he starts saying something about stuff that's happened in his past, and I don't want to hear it. Because what if it's something I can't see past? It's better if I act like it's not important, and hold him, and do what I can to bring him back from where he is in his head now, where he's frightened, where it's dark. I tell him the future is all I care about. I'm comforting him, right, holding on to him, trying to bring him back. We're gonna be alright, me and you, aren't we? I ask, and it turns out I need him to reassure me just as much as I'm trying to reassure him.
I see him decide that's what he's going to do. He looks at me, and it's like he's been refuelled, and he says, Yeah. Yeah, we are. I smile at him – I think it's out of relief – and then I kiss him on his lips, and he meets me half way, kiss, kiss, kiss, and then I hug my arms around his neck, and he holds me tight, and I can feel him breathing into my shoulder, and I hope he's stopped being scared.
32. Ste and Brendan's flat: Play-fighting kiss
Ste:
I don't know what I was meant to say. I mean, what do you say when your five year old daughter walks in on you when your boyfriend is... So anyway, I've said to Leah that me and Brendan were play-fighting.
Brendan's not bothered, he's just stood there in our dressing gown, eating Choco Flakes out of the box, and when I tell him about my play-fighting excuse, all he wants to know is if I told Leah who won. I don't get it. Why, does it matter? I ask him, and he says no, but, She's a clever kid – and he looks me up and down – Gotta make it look believable.
What, you trying to say that I'm scrawny?
No. He's loving this. He goes and hollers to Leah, tells her he won, comes back to me and he's still shouting to Leah, Uncle Brrrendan won. And he puts his arms out to the sides like he's saying get a load of this, and he's so bloody pleased with himself. So I tell him, I'll show you who's scrawny, and I shove him in the middle of his chest so hard his back hits the cooker and he sort of gasps, and I grab his face and snog him. My hips are banging against his, and we're both biting, but I think his hands are still out by his sides cos he's not grabbing me back, it's me that's doing all the grabbing and the shoving, and it feels bloody amazing.
33. The village: Alleyway kiss
Brendan:
It's not been a good day, starting with the cold shoulder form Steven when I got home from Ireland. I get where he's coming from, I do. I get that he's hurting because he's lost his kids and I've been off seeing mine. So I told him, if he wants me to move out – if it's what needs to happen for him to get Leah and Lucas back – then he only has to say.
I've not heard from him. I've spent the whole fucking day missing him, though, while the new lad at the club, Kevin, reminded me every time he put himself in front of me that no one can compare with Steven. There is no one else; never will be.
I've knocked off work and I'm walking through the village, contemplating whether to show my face at home tonight, and I'm just almost out of the alleyway, and there's someone there, and it's Steven. I wait for him to say something – pack your bags, or give me your keys – but he doesn't, and we just stand here in the dark, looking at each other. Then... then he puts his hands around the back of my head and pulls me to him, and he kisses me like he misses me. He must have been out for a while, because he's cold. His bottom lip is cool against my tongue, and his fingers on the back of my neck send shivers down me.
I don't touch him. I let him kiss me til he breaks away and his hands slide off me.
He says he doesn't want me to move out. He says maybe we can talk to Amy, sort something out. I just look at him, and I wonder how long my luck can last because I know I've been pushing it.
Say something, then, he says. I look at him some more, and then I say to him, Let's go home, Steven. He smiles, and he leads the way, and I follow.
34. Carter & Hay: Baking bread kiss
Brendan:
We just baked bread together, and it feels... it feels momentous. This is not how I thought my life was going to go – being with a man I want to be with til I die, and not caring who knows it – but I'm okay with it. More than okay. And the baking bread thing, it's... I'm by his side, in every way.
Momentous, I tell him, and I don't think he gets my meaning, but that's okay. I try explaining, I'm going to be there for him, help him get his kids back. I tell him I've changed. I have changed, you know, you, me, Leah, Lucas, it's... We're gonna be a proper family. I'm gonna give you the future you deserve, alright? I have changed. I've changed, haven't I?
He's been looking at me the whole time I've been talking, taking it all in, not telling me I'm being a sentimental idiot, not making me feel stupid for getting choked up. Believing in me. He says, I know, and I say, Come here, and I smile out of relief that I've said to him what I've been thinking. And it's weird, this thing we do nowadays, this kissing while we're smiling. We never used to – and I've sure as hell never kissed anyone else's smile – and it's good-weird.
I stop it though. Sorry, I say, One last thing. There's... there's this, and I've picked up a handful of flour, and I flick a big pinch of it into his face. And he's shocked or he's amused, but either way, his mouth is wide open, and his face is streaked white, and it's right in his eye... Ouch.
Flour fight? Okay then.
35. Carter & Hay: First kiss after the flour fight
Brendan:
We've made a mess all over the floor. Not the usual kind of mess we make: this is flour fight mess, we've pretty much decorated the deli with it, and ourselves.
There's still work to do, though, so we call a truce. I won, obviously, but I don't tell him that. He comes to me in peace, gives me a quick kiss with his floury lips, and I touch the small of his back as he goes back behind the counter.
Got to say, he looks good with a light dusting, and breathless.
36. Carter & Hay: Second kiss after the flour fight
Ste:
I'm still working, and Brendan's still helping, and when I've not given him anything to do, he's happy just standing around and, like, chatting with me. Or listening, more like, cos I been talking non stop. I ask him if he wants me to shut up, cos I know it gets on his nerves sometimes, but he says no, he likes it. It calms me down, he says, and I look at him, and I'm thinking, we fit together now, don't we? Not just in bed, cos we always fitted together in that way, right from the start. Now, me talking, him listening, we fit. Working together like we're doing now, he just fits into my business. We're together.
What? he says, cos he's seen me looking at him funny, so I say, Like an old married couple, aren't we?
Wouldn't be so bad, he says, and it's amazing – hearing Brendan say that, it's amazing. I say Ahh, and I go to him but his phone rings, and it's that Kevin, and there's some emergency at the club so Brendan's got to go. He says he won't be long, and he gives me a quick kiss, one of them ones that makes a kissy noise. And I wish he didn't have to go, but I've got work to do, and I'll be thinking about what he said while he's gone. Wouldn't be so bad.
37. The village: Kiss before the arrest
Brendan:
We've fallen out again. But it's okay, because it's my fault and I'm going to put it behind me, and then we're both going to put it behind us, and we're going to look forward and not back from here on in.
It's been another one of those days, see. The row with Steven this morning, and my dad showing up to watch it and to tell me that I'm going to push my shiny boy away like I push away everyone. Then Kevin, tripping over his own lies so it's clear to me that my sympathy was wasted on him – and my dad showing up there, too, to witness another of my mistakes.
So I've been for a walk to get things clear in my head, and it's worked. I've worked out what's important, and there it is as I head back towards the club. That's what's important: Steven. He calls out when he sees me, Where've you been? So I tell him I've been for a walk, and he says, Since when do you just go for a walk? And he's got a point, and he's got an attitude, and he's got a mouth that needs kissing, and I grab his face and I pull him to me and before he's finished the word walk I'm kissing him. I can feel with my fingertips where the hair at the nape of his neck is cropped short, and I can feel his smile starting before I let go of him.
He looks kind of amazed. This snogging in public thing hasn't started getting old yet, and maybe it never will. So I smile back at him, because of how pleased he's looking.
What's that for? he asks, as well he might.
I'm tired of being angry, Steven. Every time I'm angry, people get hurt. I got too much to lose.
Like what? he asks, but he knows exactly what I mean. I tell him anyhow, Like you, you idiot, and I smile again – he makes me smile, Steven does, more than I've ever smiled in my life before – and I'm going to kiss him again. Only a car door slams behind me and I turn around, out of curiosity I guess, and it's a police car. And this officer, he's walking towards us, and he says, Brendan Brady?
38. Ste and Brendan's flat: House arrest kiss
Brendan:
Am I paranoid? Maybe I'm paranoid. A night in a cell and a sexual assault charge in the morning can do that to a man. So maybe he's not slipping away from me: maybe it's all in my head. He came to meet me at the police station, but then so did my dad, so that doesn't tell me anything.
Anyhow, we're home now, me and him, and he's got questions about what happened, why I was arguing with Kevin, why Kevin lied. I've got no answers that'll satisfy him, and he's not happy. He's worried about Amy getting to hear about this and never letting him see his kids again. So I promise him I won't make things worse by going after Kevin. Steven knows it's a promise I'll break – he must do, nobody knows me better than he does.
Cheryl's here too now, mad at me for not calling her.
Steven's got to go or he'll be late for work. He comes to me, gives me a kiss and a look, and both of them – the kiss and the look – say I'm on a warning. See you later, he says, and then to Cheryl, If he tries to leave, sit on him.
He'll see me later. I guess I'm still his problem.
39. Ste and Brendan's flat: I love you for ever kiss
Ste:
I hurt him, didn't I, asking him if he's guilty. My head was all over the place though, right, with what that Kevin said to me, and I just... I let Brendan down, and he didn't come home last night.
But I've got home now and he's here, and he's sad and he's quiet, and he shows me this letter he's got. I can't take it in, but he tells me it says he's got to go to court in less than two weeks.
I say to him I'm sorry for doubting him, and he says I never have to apologise to him, not ever, after everything he's done. But I know the things he's done, and I know the things he wouldn't do, and so I tell him I know that he's innocent, and he says, How? How do you know?
I can just see it, right. I hold his face, and he sort of smiles but he looks down, and I don't know if he believes me, and I've got to make him believe me. I love you, for ever, and I don't care what anybody says, yeah? I kiss him, on his mouth, and maybe he'll believe my kiss if he doesn't believe my words. Twice, I kiss him, holding his face in my hands. But he doesn't hardly kiss me back. It's like a part of him is missing, the part that's like a lion, it's not there any more and I need him to get it back.
I tell him to look at me, and he does, and I tell him we will get through this together, and I throw my arms around his neck and I hug him as tight as I can, and he says, You've no idea what that means to me.
It's not enough though. He's going. He says it's because he can't stand being around here, and he needs to see his kids in case... But I think it's me, my fault, and I try and tell him – but he stops me. He tells me he's not going because of me. He holds my face just like I held his face a minute ago, and he says, Steven, there is nothing you can do that'll make me stop loving you. Nothing.
He's the Brendan I love with all my heart, and I don't want him to go, and I say, Please.
And I do love you, he says, and he's looking at me like he's memorising my face. Very much.
He lets go of me, and he picks up his bag and goes out the door.
I can still feel where his hands were holding me. I wish I'd kissed him harder though, cos I can't feel him on my lips any more.
40. Chez Chez: Happy ever after kiss
Ste:
I don't know if he's glad he's told me. I think he is – he's sort of calm now, and he's come to the door with me to see me out. It's dark in the club, but standing here looking out over the balcony, he's half in the light.
I'm glad he's told me anyway, even though it's horrible, the things he's said his dad did, and I bet he's not even said the worst bits. I wish he'd told me years ago, then he might've started getting better sooner, and we would've been together all this time, and he would've stopped – And I wouldn't be married to Doug.
We're here now, though, and that's all that matters.
He knows I want him to tell Cheryl too, then she'll understand what's made him like he is. I tell him he's got nothing to be ashamed of.
I been ashamed my whole life, he says, and I hate it, I hate that he thinks that when I look at him now I'll see damaged goods – that's what he said I'd think, but I don't, I see Brendan, and I love him more than ever. I don't know what to say, but it's not words that's going to convince him, is it? So I take hold of him and kiss him.
I've aimed for his lips but I've got his moustache instead. That's what usually happens, but I like it, it's not like kissing anyone else, and I'm never going to kiss anyone else, right, cos this is it now.
My fingers are in his hair at the back of his neck.
He kisses me back, and he does that thing where he sort of sucks my bottom lip. It's lovely.
I lean against his forehead for a second, then I tell him, I love you, you love me, that's all that matters.
He looks so sad, even though he smiles at me. Maybe in the next life you'll get a better me. One you deserve, yeah?
No, I tell him, and I let go of him. Cos after today, we get our happy ever after.
41. The hospital: Last kiss
Brendan:
I knew he was here at the hospital, but I didn't think he'd get past the cops into my room, only somehow I'm not surprised that he has. He's come to me, and it's the last time, because that's the way it's got to be. He's got to live his life – I owe him that, and so much more.
I'm cold to him. I think it'll make this easier on him, but it doesn't. He pours out his heart. His words come between sobs that wrack his body and catch in his throat. He's begging me to tell the truth, that it was Cheryl that shot our dad, but it wouldn't make any difference. I'd still go down for four murders, and I'm not having Cheryl go down too or what was the point?
Please, just tell the truth, he says. I just don't understand how you can do this to someone that loves you as much as me. He dries his eyes on his sleeves; he's as defenceless as a child. I can't do this without you. He comes to my side, sits down. His eyes are red and there are dark shadows under them; his face is marked with the cuts I put there, and smeared with tears. He's still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life, and I look at him, try to memorise every detail, the shape of his lips, the trace of stubble above them; the tiny scar at the corner of his mouth; his eyelashes. He tells me, Nothing is ever gonna change. And I'm never gonna feel any differently about you.
The police outside the room have got busy, I've heard their radios start buzzing, and the door opens and DI Milner comes into the room. And being cold was a nice idea but I can't do it any more, not to Steven. There's no time, it's urgent now, and I say to him, I'm never gonna feel any differently about you, I promise you, okay?
Milner tells me it's time to go, and Steven fights it, argues, pleads, and I tell him it's okay, but it's not. It's not okay.
They start unwiring me from the monitor.
I'm gonna tell the kids – Steven says, then he grabs my face and rips a kiss out of me, and his hands are warm, and his mouth tastes of his tears, and then he's ripped away, and he's screaming, No!
Let go, I tell him, because he has to. He has to. You changed everything, Steven. Everything, I shout after him, because he did. He showed me that the world could be beautiful. He showed me what love is.
I don't know what they've done to him. I think he's on the floor in the corridor, and I can hear him crying out for me, but I try not to listen. I try to hold the memory of our last kiss – my last kiss, because I'm never going to kiss anyone else. I got one love in this life.