The Teeth

Synopsis: Taking place not long after the Simpson's episode 'My Fare Lady', Marge's innocous gift of the smile from her social media outpost have turned out to be possessed by the spirit of a dentist. Supposedly the dentist only wishes for a friend, one he finds in Moe Syzlack.

Chapter 1-Musings from the Teeth

At first it was a bit unusual to be spoken to by a pair of chompers. Yeah, I had to admit that was pretty peculiar in and of itself. I had dealt with halucinations myself, but I hadn't drunk or been drunk enough to experience them. I was a professional in the art of bartending. I only drank from time to time to dull the pain of reality. Lately, I hadn't had to do such a thing, but I had to say, the smile that Midge had given me was giving me the heebie jeebies. I was a tough son of a bitch. This sort of thing really didn't occur with me often. I didn't back down, shut up or put up. If I was threatened, I used my 9-gage shot-gun. Usually that would solve matters quite nicely and any scofflaws would turn tail and run. I couldn't do that with the eerie, white teeth hanging on the mirror.

'You are not alone.', the teeth had mused aloud to me.

'Who are you ?', I queried, naturally enough. I should've been smarter to keep my big yap shut.

'You'll know soon enough.', the teeth replied, a bit ominously back to me in turn. I winced, shuttering at the timbre in which the chompers had returned my query. Again, I wanted to kick myself for being so idiotic to have a conversation with what used to be company advertising.

'W-What do you mean by that ? I mean, why am I talkin' to ya ? You're just a set of teeth.', I said, trying not to reveal my fear too much.

'I didn't mean to frighten you, Moe. I'm Jasper O'Mally. I used to be a dentist in life. Golbedurned if I can't understand why the heck I'm stuck in this grill. Makes no sense really. I have no grievances that I didn't leave unsolved here on this plane.', Jasper said.

It was settling to know the grill of which he referred had a name. He had been human, formerly. I decided I would become his friend, do a bit of detective work. If I wanted to be left with just the smile alone, it was something I had to do. Yes, it would mean I would have to be alone again, but anything was better than being scared half out of one's wits most of the time.

Chapter 2-Digging for Info for Jasper

People in Springfield had known Jasper. Even his wife and family seemed so innocent and normal that his circumstance was ironically abnormal in comparison. As he had said before, he had no real grievances in this life that were worth mentioning, except that he had never really had much of a social life. He and his family had enjoyed vacations before and free days on which they could just hang out and be themselves, but never any bowling nights or poker meets where Jasper could just be a dude and hash over manly things like men like us usually do.

It hadn't taken long, but I had come to find the reason for Jasper's imprisonment.

'I've been waiting all day for you to return to the bar. What did you find out from the patients I've had ? Are my wife and children alright ?', Jasper said, each of his inquires were more fervent than the last.

'Patience, Jasper. Your wife and kids are doing well. What they say is better than any insight I recieved from your patients. They tell me you really didn't have any friends to have a guys' night out with. You never really experienced what it means to have a true bromance.', I said, feeling a bit sorry for the guy. I hadn't had many friends either, except for Homer, Lenny, Carl, Barney and luckily, Midge. I guess I could say Lisa had been a friend of mine too and from time to time I would get to see Maggie, but I desired more of life than just being a third wheel in the Simpson family. I longed for bromance, strangely enough.

'You're confined to the placquard, right ?', I asked, feeling dumb trying to pry answers from a set of teeth. It was sort of ironic, really. The phrase 'like pulling teeth' seemed rather inappropriate but nonetheless, hysterical at the time.

'Not entirely. I can move about if I will it. What are you sugguesting, Moe ?', Jasper retorted, sounding a bit miffed and off-put that his will power hadn't been strong enough to allow him more range of motion recently.

'I was thinking if you could will yourself to, maybe youse could come bowlin' with me tonight. I'm in a league. They might think I'm a little looney but at least you'll have a blast. At least, I hope. Ever been bowlin' ?', I said.

'No. I haven't.', Jasper replied, honestly. I could hear a semblance of hope and joviality in his tone that I hadn't before. Things were, in fact, about to become more interesting at the Bowl-A-Rama that night. Hopefully it wouldn't land me in the asylum.

Chapter 3-Bowl-A-Rama Ghost

The guys weren't used to see me 'talking to myself' and kept asking me if everything was alright. I convinced them I was perfectly sane and lucid and they believed me. I just told them I had consumed a little Vermouth before I had come. Saying such a thing had been a lie but it made my 'conversations' more believable.

Jasper was having a ball and seeing him do so made me the happiest I had ever been. He was absolutely perfect for never having bowled a game of 10 pins in his lifetime (or in this case, his afterlife).

'I didn't know the 'Rama had a ghost.', one of the squeaky teen voiced employees observed.

'Probably not for much longer. Bowling alleys are rarely haunted anyways.', Homer said, insightfully. It was rare for him to be so deep, but I knew that the man could be a genius inspite of his seemingly dunderheadedness.

'Let's get Chinese tonight. I'm dyin' for Mushu Pork.', Lenny suggested.

'General Tso sounds great to me. Haven't had that in a blue moon.', Carl agreed.

'Chinese it is, and it's on me.', I offered.

'Quite generous aren't cha ? I didn't think you had a lot of spare change ramblin' around there, Moe.', Homer said, remembering the time I literally couldn't rub two nickles together (and I still don't know who had rubbed those two filthy things together anyways).

'I've got means.', I said. Another fib. Ah well. Friends were friends and I owed them my gratitude, especially in not turning me over the kooks in the white coats.

Chapter 4-A Turkish Bath Before Turning In

The guys had left and I had closed down my business for the day. I went to the local Turkish bath in the city with Jasper right next to me. He had never even been to a sauna before.

'You lived a rather sheltered life, didn't you ?', I asked.

'No. I've been out of the States before and seen many gorgeous sights. But, yeah, never anything so different and relaxing as this. All my stress...it's just melting away. Thank you for this, Moe.', Jasper said. He hugged me in the way guys often do to show appreciation. I felt my loneliness evaporating much like the sweat from my brow.

It pained me to know that tonight might be the last night I would spend with the ghost who had possessed my plackquard, but at least I knew that I was doing the right thing. I would sleep peacefully saying my goodbyes to my friend and then moving on to bigger and better things. At least, that was what I hoped from the promise the grin had given Moe's day in and day out. It reminded me that even a guy like me, a crusty old koot, can have exhuberance and joy and no one is ever truly 'alone' forever.

Chapter 5-Departure

It was early in the morning when I saw Jasper's apparition begin to fade.

'I want to truly thank you. You have my appreciation. A pity we couldn't have known each other on this side of the veil.', he said. He gave me a full fledged hug this time before his corporal form vanished into nothingness. I had felt a chill as he left, but it quickly vanished once the sun arose.

I felt a tinge of sorrow as a lone tear escaped my eye. Like those I had lost before, he was a good egg. Yet, I knew that that silly smile would always remind me of him. I know knew what he had meant by his cryptic remark. I wasn't alone. That smile was looking over me and making my business more approachable. I had noticed that because of it, more people were coming in and drinking spirits. It was laughable that it took a spirit to make my crap hole more spirited. Yet, that's usually how things work in my sometimes miserable life.

Epilogue

My existence wasn't really as miserable as I had originally felt it was before. Remember how I had mentioned I thought of myself as a 'third wheel' ? Nothing could be further from the truth. Maggie often thought of me as a surrogate dad, and I even heard her call me 'papa' from time to time. I didn't dare tell Homer, or he'd have me flogged or accuse me of brainwashing. I'm a humble bartender and I don't deal with such low-brow, underhanded methods. I just love her to pieces, and in many ways, she's the brightest of them all. Lisa is almost at her level, and still brilliant. She even help me snag another date with that hot Broadway chick. I had to admit, I felt it would be a lark to see her again but she returned to Springfield for an encore performance. She even sang her rendition of If This Isn't Love with rewritten lyrics all for li'l ol' me. Yep, life is gooo-oood. I can't complain. I simply savor it like a fine Don Peringyon and allow the soul of the vintage to completely wash my senses.

~*~ A poet ever so in heart and soul

Maurice Syzlack