The Perfect Happy Marriage (probably!)

by Ulquiorra9000

Chapter 1

"... Ichigo, darling. Wake up!"

"Huh... what...?"

21-year-old Ichigo groaned and blinked open his eyes, and he winced at the bright morning light that flooded his rental house's bedroom. Ouch! Why did his head ache and throb? Why was he so... thirsty? He lay sprawled on his queen-size bed over the covers, still in his everyday clothes.

Then he saw a familar face hovering over his, the girl's eyes bright and cheery, a cautious smile on her face. She gently slapped his left cheek. "Hey, you're finally up!"

"Up... isn't the word." Ichigo ran a hand over his face, his mind whirling like a blender. "Who..." He blinked again and bolted upright. "Candice?! How did... why are you even here?"

Candice sat cross-legged on the bed and toyed with her mint-green hair, her smile wider. "Ichigo, darling, you don't remember any of it?"

Ichigo rubbed his head, his orange hair matted and messed up. "Any of what?" He swallowed; damn, he was thirsty!

Candice giggled. "Our night, Ichigo. It was so much fun. The biggest night of my life! All our friends were there, but your dad and sisters couldn't make it... I'm not even sure they know. We should fix that."

"Whoa, slow down." Ichigo held out a hand to slow Candice down. "Biggest night of your life? What, did you get married or something?"

Then he saw the gold wedding ring on the hand he was holding up. He gasped and seized his wrist. "What... what!" His heart raced, his headache forgotten.

Candice held up her left hand to show off her own gold band. "Happy one day anniversary, husband dear! Well, more like 12 hours... happy half-day anniversary?" She frowned as she thought it over.

"N-no no no..." Ichigo scrambled back and hit the wall, staring at Candice... his wife? "I don't even remember any of that! What are you..." Then he realized that his hangover was not a coincidence. He scowled. "You got me hammered and dragged me to some marriage license bureau or something, didn't you?"

Candice nodded. "Plus the impromptu ceremony! Short, but sweet. Uryu was your best man, and Orihime was the perfect maid of honor!" She clasped her hands fondly at her chest. "I wish you remembered it..."

Ichigo looked around the room as though trying to find an emergency exit. Then he started to recall bits and pieces of last night. It had started out as a typical college party with some of his college buds and his longtime friends, like Orihime and Chad and Keigo... through the hazy memory, he saw Uryu in a tux, looking flustered but dignified, and Keigo crying happy tears on his shoulder...

With another groan, Ichigo swung his legs over the edge of the bed. "You've gotta help me fix this, Candice. I-I can't be married to you! This is..." He went red as more of the implications hit him, and he couldn't bring himself to look straight at Candice. "I'm not ready for this!" he wailed.

"Sure you are, darling." Candice wrapped her arms around her husband (he'd have to get used to that) and kissed his cheek. "We've already got a house -"

"I've got a house! I'm renting this place with a few classmates. I dunno where you're staying -" Ichigo said hotly.

Candice hummed to herself. "I'm staying here with you! Our future begins here, Ichigo. Are you ready? I sure am!"

Oh, no. Ichigo burst free of his wife's grip and ran through the house in his tank top and sleep shorts, sweat gathering on his forehead as he scoped the place out. The other guys weren't here, thank goodness, but lots of new things were! Like the heart-shaped pillows on the couch (the couch which used to look manly), an old Super Nintendo that now sat next to Ichigo's Xbox One (Candice was oddly old-fashioned at times), and more stuff... and more! A bunch of extra food crammed in the pantry! New pairs of shoes by the door! A poster of One Direction (seriously?) on the wall!

Ichigo seized his head in agony as the house seemed to spin around him. "Noooooooo!"

"Yes," Candice said gently, and she came up from behind and wrapped her arms around Ichigo's waist, holding on tighter this time. "Isn't this cozy, Ichigo?" she whispered sweetly into his ear. She ran her tongue along his skin with tingles of lightning. "I moved right out of Orihime's place while you were asleep. She was so kind to help me! Uryu and Chad, too. They wished us the best of luck together."

Ichigo sighed. "Chad, Keigo, Uryu... they all backed this up, huh? Gee, I sure used to have loyal friends..."

Candice made a pouting noise. "That's not nice, darling."

"Candice, come on. I know, we've been dating off and on the last few years, but this is too fast."

"We'll be fine." Candice gave him another lick. "Everyone gave us their blessing! Now, relax. How about breakfast? You must be famished."

Ichigo sure was, but he had a crazy mess to undo here, and there was no time to waste. None at all! "I, uh... sure. Let me get dressed first, though."

"I'll get cooking, then!" Candice let him go and pranced into the kitchen, where she started getting out random pots, pans, and vegetable oil with abandon, humming to herself. She threw on a sky-blue apron over her blouse and short jean shorts, and got to work. On... whatever she was trying to make.

Ichigo, meanwhile, tip-toed back into his bedroom, shut the door, and swung open the closet doors. At once, a colorful avalanche of new clothes poured out and buried him. I should have figured! Ichigo eventually emerged from Candice's pile of clothes and threw on his usual jeans and logo tee, then started plotting his escape. He checked his cell phone. Should he ask Orihime first? She was pretty savvy about these things...

He sent her a covert text, then pocketed his phone and warily made his way back to the kitchen, and sat at the table.

"Well there you are!" Candice placed a hot plate of scrambled eggs, toast, and fried sausage in front of him, and sat opposite him with a similar breakfast. She beamed. "What took you so long?"

"Well... your wardrobe attacked me," Ichigo said dryly.

Candice giggled. "Sorry, I kind of crammed everything I had in there. I'm gonna sort out our closet today, though. Don't worry."

"Our closet, huh?" Ichigo tried the eggs; not bad!

"Darling, we're married. We share everything." Candice said the last word in a seductive whisper, leaning across the table like she was sharing some dire secret.

Ichigo gulped. Such implications!

"Anyway," Candice said, starting on her breakfast, "darling, do you have any classes today?"

"No, but I've got some tomorrow -"

"Great!" Candice clapped her hands together, and she let out a bit of lightning between her fingers. "You can help me look for a fun job or something today. Maybe I could be a babysitter or petsitter, or deliver newspapers!"

Ichigo snorted with amusement. "Did you look at a job listing in a cartoon?"

Candice burst out laughing. "Sorry. But I dunno how big jobs in the human world work. I mean, what does a lawyer or engineer or scholar even do?"

"Point taken." Ichigo had no desire to pursue those jobs, either. He'd wear himself down to a nub. "Hey, this is pretty good." He pointed at his plate. Finally, something going right this morning!

"I took a few more cooking classes. Maybe you should, too!" Candice pointed at Ichigo. She licked her lips. "No, we should go together and make something spicy..."

Ichigo recalled the last time they took a cooking class together. I thought I was done with that!

Once they were done, Candice whisked away the plates and threw them into the sink with a loud clatter. "So," she said, hands on her curvy hips, "how about you show me all the nice shops and movie theaters and things around here? What's a girl to in this neck of the woods?"

"There's... some stuff," Ichigo said vaguely. He glanced at the door. "Let me go get the morning paper, okay? That's what husbands do."

"Okie dokie!" Candice waved good-bye, and Ichigo left the house as casually as he could manage to appear. Then, once he shut the door and pressed his ear to the wood to listen and confirm that Candice wasn't following him, he sighed, then broke into a mad sprint!

Forget the morning paper. Ichigo had a little rendezvous to make! He didn't stop bookin' it until he reached a casual sushi bar in the next city block, and he wove his way through the morning crowds and leaned against the wall, hands on his pockets. Someone's dog barked, and a businessman shuffled along, his nose in the morning paper while two kids played tag. Just a normal morning for everyone else. How Ichigo envied them!

Orihime Inoue emerged from the crowds, wearing a lime-green sundress in the September warmth, and she waved hello and joined her friend. "Good morning, Ichigo! What's so urgent on a day like this?" she asked.

Ichigo covertly glanced around. No one was listening in; good. "This is what's so urgent." He held up his hand to show his wedding band. "Orihime, what the hell happened? This is nuts!"

Orihime put her hands on her hips and tossed her reddish hair. "Hey, that's not nice, Ichigo!"

Ichigo jolted. "S-say what?"

"You were so happy last night," Orihime told him firmly. "How can you talk that way about your wife?"

"Orihime, I was hammered! Plastered! Wasted!" Ichigo cried. People stared, and he hastily lowered his voice. "I'm not ready for this. I told Candice that, but she didn't listen. She never does."

Orihime's bright gray eyes softened, and she took hold of her friend's shoulders. "Look, Ichigo... you've been dating Candice off and on for so long, and it seemed like you were leading her on without dedicating yourself to anything. So we all, uh, sped things along!"

Ichigo scowled. "With a great quantity of sake?"

Orihime blushed. "Well, yes." She squeezed Ichigo's shoulders. "I'll make you a deal, okay? Just give the marriage a few days, and see how you like it. If you both really can't work things out, I'll help undo this. But Candice, she's my good friend! I've never seen her this happy! She really loves you, you know."

Ichigo went red and thought about Candice's wide smile, that eager glint in her eyes, how she likes to dance and twirl about... "I'll... okay. Deal." Then something else occured to him. "But don't tell my dad or sisters until I decide to keep my marriage to her. Okay?"

Orihime nodded. "Okay!"

"So... she's really my wife now."

"Yup! She even took your last name."

"Candice Kurosaki." Ichigo tested the sound in his mouth. It felt jarring. "Oh, man, this is crazy..."

"Hey, I promise to help keep this low-key for now," Orihime assured Ichigo, letting him go. "Nice and quiet."

"Well, I'm not making that promise! Woohoo!"

Both Ichigo and Orihime jumped when Giselle Gewelle popped up out of nowhere, her big goofy grin in place. She jabbed a finger into Ichigo's stomach. "Candice deserves the very best, buster, and I'm gonna drag it out of you! Consider that a friendly warning!"

Ichigo swatted Giselle's finger away. "You helped orchestrate this lunacy, didn't you?"

"Yup!"

Then Meninas McAllon joined her friend. "You don't realize how lucky you are, Ichigo," she said earnestly. "Candice is perfect for you!"

"Perfect for driving me up the wall," Ichigo retorted.

Meninas seized his shirt collar with sudden strength and dragged him closer. "You're her husband now, Kurosaki. You have to hold up your end, understand?" Meninas' gentle expression didn't change, but her tone doubled in intensity.

"Meninas! Stop that!" Orihime waved her hands.

"Well, Ichigo?" Giselle asked. "You've got to please your wife in all ways possible! Can you do it?"

Ichigo tried not to show any of his terror on his face. Trying... trying! "O-okay. I'll do my best for her. For sure!"

Meninas let him go and dusted off her hands. "Wonderful!" She smiled.

"Just remember, Kurosaki," Giselle added, "if I think you're slippin' up, I'll help put the spice back in your marriage. By any means necessary."

Ichigo had no doubt.

Satisfied, Giselle and Meninas melted back into the crowd to go get snacks or something.

Ichigo wearily turned back to Orihime. "Everything around here has strings attached, huh?"

Orihime made an embarassed giggle. "I'm sorry, Ichigo, but there's not much I can do to stop those two. They're wild!"

"Yeah, and so is my brand-new wife."

Orihime gently patted Ichigo's cheeks. "Just listen to your feelings, even if you have to dig deep, okay? You'll do great!" Then she skipped off, almost definitely to get a snack somewhere.

Ichigo took one last deep breath of free air and marched back home. And this time, he'd actually get the morning paper.