Yo. 'Tis me, Here Be Draggons, with my first ever Artemis Fowl fan fiction, Artemis Fowl and the Quest for Common Sense. I hope you will enjoy it, or failing that, decide against legal action. Now steady on there children, while the nice lady reads us some disclaimers!
Disclaimer One: Eoin Colfer's characters aren't mine.
Disclaimer Two: But that doesn't stop me hawking them shamelessly in this predictable parody of pathetic proportions.
Please don't sink bitterly to your knees, weeping inconsolably, if you think the characters I have "borrowed" are a little out of character. Imagine Artemis and Co. are real, and Eoin Colfer records all of their exciting, pre-teen adventures in exquisite detail. Everything is totally correct.
How BORING would that story be? Plus, the characters would sue the poor author, because nobody likes to be told precisely howannoying theyactually are. In that case, imagine "Artemis Fowl and the Arctic Incident" written as an exact historical account- here's a short extract: "Artemis, Holly and Root stepped through the shuttle port doors, onto the crisp white snow, Butler in close pursuit. Artemis surveyed the scene for a few moments, then turned decisively to Butler. "Butler, old chap," he squeaked, "I do believe I've frozen my bollocks off."
See what I mean? Thusly, MY story is a totally different adventure to the ones Artemis and friends have faced before (but not TOTALLY totally different. Well. Not actually different. At all.), but I have presented their characters as they would appear before the editor gets her hands on them. So, my story is true to life. NOT, as some uneducated readers will undoubtedly label it, "crap".
Right, enough rambling. Let's get this freakshow on the road!
-applause-