A/N: I'm sure plenty of people have done this. *shrugs* Oh well, here's mine for Mossflower. Hope you like! Warning: It's extremely stupid. But hey, so are the 'funny' movies they have out there. And I don't hate Martin. In fact, he's one of my favorite characters. I just find it easy to make fun of him. *shrugs again*
Chapter One: Bolts and Screws
Director: Anndd …. ACTION!
………
Director: Narrator? Martin?
Narrator: Mossflower lay deep in the grip of midwinter beneath a sky of leaden gray that showed tinges of scarlet and orange on the horizon. A cold mantle of snow draped the landscape, covering the flatlands to the west. Snow was everywhere, filling ditches, drifting high against hedgerows, making paths invisible, smoothing the contours of the earth in its white embrace.
"Who cares? It's winter, there's snow, go on!" a voice says.
Everyone looks around. About to enter the set is Martin, in robes made of gold, purple velvet, diamonds, and lace, and he looks back coolly.
Director: Shut up Martin. You'll get your spotlight later.
"Shut up? Shut! Up! How dare you, I'm the ONE. And ONLY. Martin the Warrior! Hwitcha!"
Director: Ahem. Anyways. Narrator!
………
Director: Narrator? Martin?
Narrator: Clump, clump, clump. As a solitary figure walked through the snow, the horde of woodlanders, which had been hiding in the trees, jumped out with spears and arrows. Martin the Warrior screamed, every syllable of his voice full of fear, and stabbed himself. He died. Everybeast cheered and ran off to celebrate.
"What! That's not how the story goes! Stupid narrator!"
Director: Alright, CUT! Narrator! Get it right!
"Yeah, listen to Mrs. Director! Change it back!"
Director: Oh yeah, Martin, take off those ridiculous gold robes and wear what the book says.
Martin throws off his gold, purple velvet, diamond, and lace robes bad-temperedly and puts on a ragged brown cloak.
Narrator: Fine. EDIT! Clump, clump, clump. As the solitary figure walked through the snow, the horde of woodlanders, which had been hiding in the trees, jumped out with spears and arrows. Martin the Warrior screamed, every syllable of his voice full of fear, and stabbed himself. Everybeast cheered and ran off to celebrate.
"What the! You little – "
Narrator: Shut up, Martin! I'm not finished! Anyways. THEN Martin took the dagger OUT of himself and lay bleeding. But DOESN'T die.
"Snake!" Matthias screams. The set of Mossflower looks in his direction. Martin goes into warrior stance.
"Hoooyeeee! Wacha! Wacha! Heeeyah!"
With a leap and loads of screaming, Martin rips open a cardboard box and finds Matthias curled up in a ball, with 'Iamthatis' written in pen on his forehead. As he does, his tissue paper blade splits in two.
"Ahh, man. That tissue paper was supposed to last until Tsarmina snaps it." Martin holds Matthias by the scruff of his neck and snarls, "You idiot, I broke my blade! I mean you broke my blade! Who are you?"
Matthias hangs there. "Iamthatis!"
"What?"
"Iamthatis! The mouse who you pass your great sword to FIRST! I'm your biggest fan! I milked all the Martin stories out of Methuselah before he died! I know all about you! I know your age, your address, your phone number, your mailbox number, your credit card number, your email address, all your internet aliases, your cell number, your pager number, your social security number, your Safeway and Albertson's account numbers, your entire sword routine, your password for the Starfire's Redwall Abbey Message Board, your screen name on AIM, and I have your entire will memorized by heart! I have the biggest collection of your stuff in the history of Redwall! Your robes, your sandals, your shield, your belt, your scabbard, and I got a GREAT deal on your coffin!"
"Wow," some woodlanders whisper in awe.
Martin snorts. "I pass my sword to somebeast else before you, stupid. Dandin with whatsherface. And the Samkim squirrel type guy. And some other character I can't remember. And then I pass it on to the snake. Duh! Haven't you read all the books? Now, what the hell are you doing here?"
"I'm part of the cast! I even have a backstage pass!" Matthias points to his forehead.
"Well, Matthias – "
"Nuh uh. I be, Iamthatis."
"Okay fine! What, EVER! The point is, you're not supposed to be here! This is MY show! You had yours already!"
"It's MY show, doofus! The series is called Redwall RIGHT? Well I appeared in the book called REDWALL. Ha!"
"Shut up! I'm the warrior of Redwall!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Yuh huh!"
Director: Okay you two, stop whining like Dibbuns!
Matthias takes out a life-sized poster of Martin, rolls it up, and waves it at Martin. "Oh yeah? Then I'll fight you!"
Director: What?!
"You said not to whine! En garde!"
Before Martin can smack Matthias over the head with the hilt of his broken sword, Matthias runs to him, trips, gives the scream he let out when on the roof with the bird guy, and falls flat on his face, completely knocked out. Martin stands there with his hilt raised, looking down at Matthias. Then, he goes back into warrior stance.
"Once again, I, Martin the Warrior, son of Luke, have defeated an enemy with my excellent fighting skills!"
LRRAA (Lame Redwall Rejects Anonymous Asylum) Officials drag Matthias off the set.
Director: *slaps forehead* I need an aspirin!
Narrator: No aspirin in Redwall world. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. So Lone-Mouse walked around in the snow and saw the Lump, which the woodlanders are frightened to death of. Who the heck knows why? Meanwhile, in a mean hovel on the south side of the Lump, the Stickle family crouched around a fire. The poor little fire gusted fitfully as the night winds pierced the slatted timbers –
CRASH!
A group of Dibbuns says in unison, "What the screw?"
Director: CUT! What the –
The set of Mossflower looks sharply at Martin, who had just had a LARGE temper tantrum and dropped a cheap cardboard rat from the ceiling. Suddenly, the booming voice of Matthias comes out of a speaker.
"Oh my god! You killed Cluny! No, I was supposed to kill him! You little thief! Cluny is too good for you to kill, he's MY enemy! You – Hey, who are you? Ouch! Get away, I have a pass, no, don't take me away, this is MY speaker – "
Another voice, quite formal and stiff, comes out of the speaker. "How the heck did you escape? Get away from the speakerphone, mouse! I'm a LRRAA Official! OUCH!"
Silence ensues. Martin pouts.
"How DARE the books cut me out? Who cares about the Stickle family? ME! What about me?"
Director: Where's the LRRAA?
A hedgehog runs up to Martin and spikes him. Martin shuts up.
Director: *growns* I'm never going to get to chapter two! Okay, ACTION!
………
Director: Narrator? Ben! Goody!
Narrator: A timid scratch at the door caused the Stickle family to jump nervously. Ben Stickle picked up a billet of firewood, motioning his wife to keep their four kiddies back into the shadows. As Goodwife Stickle covered her hedgehogs with coarse burlap blankets, Ben took a firmer grip on the wood and called out harshly in his gruffest voice, "Go away! You guys can't even farm for your own grub! We're poor and we have no food!"
"Oy, yo, yo, Ben oi buddy, 'tis be oi Urthclaw! Purze open erp dur, burr. 'Tis freezin' yond' ur yurr!"
Ben scratched his spikes. "What the screw? Who the screw is this?"
"Burr, 'tis Urthclaw, oi be freezin' yound' ur yurr, purze urpen erp yurr dur, it's cold erz oice out here!"
Ben poked the door fiercely with his billet of firewood, bending his knees, ready to strike. "I'm giving you three seconds to walk away, weird-talking stranger! If you don't walk away, I WILL, I repeat, I WILL ignore you!"
"NO! 'Tis URTHCLAW! 'Tis – "
Silence. Ben stood there, before turning to Goody, shrugging. Goody peered worriedly at her husband, stroking her brood lightly.
"What happened?" she whispered. "Is it gone?"
"No idea."
Ben waited for five minutes, and he heard nothing more than silence from the other side of the door. He wanted to know who it was, of course, so he yelled, "I'm coming out, so you better not attack me!" before banging open the door with a highly exaggerated kick and waving his piece of firewood ferociously. "Hi-yah! Die, evil villain!" He found a lump of ice on the ground and stared.
"Urthclaw?"
The lump twitched.
"Urthclaw! Man, why didn't you just say it was you?" Ben walked leisurely outside and leaned against the lump of ice, which slid into the hovel. Goody still looked worried, and said, "Oh, hi Urthclaw. Ben, when the patrol does come, where in the name of spikes'll we find food to pay our tolls?" Ben stopped. He and Goody exchanged glances, then turned to look at Urthclaw. Hungrily. Luckily for the mole, at that moment, Ben noticed a piece of parchment stuck to the bottom of the ice. He left Urthclaw by the fire, and attempted to disconnect the paper. After a few seconds, Ben succeeded and examined it closely.
It appeared to be a map. The only things that were on it were a large dot on the bottom left corner, a smaller dot on the upper right corner, and a straight line connecting both, labeled "3 Feet".
"What the SCREW?" Ben yells.
Director: *is still nodding along*
Martin taps the director on the shoulder. "Haha! Mistake! Right there!"
Director: Mistake? What the SCREW?
"Ah, and it was going so well!" says the entire crew.
Director: Well, wasn't that cheesy. Alright, alright, CUT! *storms to the refreshment table and grabs a donut while the crew says in unison, "Twisted Splendor made us do it!"
Director: *walks up to Ben and whacks him on the head* What in the name of screw is wrong now?!
Ben points to the map, and everyone looks at it over his shoulder. "THIS is supposed to lead me to the Corim hut? THIS is supposed to save my FAMILY? THIS is supposed to be what's SO extremely SECRET, that I throw it into the fire to make sure no beast ELSE sees it?
Director: Uh, yeah. Why?
Ben shakes the 'map' in the director's face, who waves her donut at him to ward him off. "For cryin' out loud! Geez, looooo WHEEZE! For heaven's sake! My GOD! It's not a map! It's a darn Connect-the-Dots game with TWO dots! The viewers will think we're idiots, staying in our hut while the Corim hut is about three feet away. Three STRAIGHT feet away. Come on! We don't even have to go diagonally ONCE!"
Director: Geezus. *takes a Sharpie from the weasel next to her and makes circles on the map* HAPPY? Now you can go in circles before arriving at the hut. Makes the journey longer and more EXCITING! YAY! OKAY! ACTION!
………
Director: Narrator? Ben? Goody?
Narrator: With a creased bow, Ben weighed his chances. Was it enough of a risk to walk three feet away from his hut? Of course! Which was why Ben stood, thinking deeply, for so long, that the soldiers arrived without warning! They rapped loudly at the door.
"Ayyee, yo, yo! Weeze a chillin' cuz' we from da HOOD dawg, yeeah, where mah homie-gz yo, 'cuz when I flow, ya know, I bring all y'all down wit' yo kuzzins and yo buzzins! Uh. Fo sho! Aiight! Uh. Fo shizzle me nizzle?"
Director: GAH! CUT! CUT! CUT!
Blacktooth and Splitnose rip their scripts in half, extremely angry. "The script says to darn rap! What the screw is wrong now?"
Director: WELL, IT DOESN'T SAY TO RAP LIKE A WANNABE GANGSTER!
"Geez, sorry! It's gang, STAW, you know, like 'GANGSTA!'. Just by the way."
Director: ARGH! For screw's sake, ACTION!
Narrator: Soldiers! Ben took a quick glance at the piece of paper and threw it into the fire. Goody lifted the latch on the door, and a group of soldiers, somehow, packed into the one-room home. Ben let out a small exhale of relief as they began to melt the ice off their bottoms. Blacktooth, who appeared to be leading the troop, snarled viciously at the hog and his wife.
"Rargh! Where be the wine and cheese?"
Ben snarled viciously at Blacktooth, "It be seasons since I've had wine and cheese!"
Blacktooth snarled viciously, "Oh yeah?"
Ben snarled viciously, "Yeah!"
Blacktooth snarled viciously, "Wanna beg on that?"
Ben snarled viciously, "Yeah!"
Blacktooth snarled viciously, "Then what's that bottle of Will-Get-You-Drunk Wine doing behind your back!"
Ben snarled viciously, "It's to feed my baby hogs! They're starving, for criss sake!"
Blacktooth snarled viciously, "I didn't know wine was good for the young uns'!"
Ben snarled viciously, "Well it is!"
Blacktooth snarled viciously, "Oh!"
Ben snarled viciously, "Yeah!"
Blacktooth snarled viciously, "Well, then we have no business here." He motioned to his troops, and they rushed out of the Stickle hut, slipping over the large puddle surrounding Urthclaw, who had defrosted. Ben nodded after them, sniffed, slammed the door, locked it with a poor excuse for a door lock. Looking around him, he chuckled evilly, opening the bottle and singing '99 Bottles of Wine on the Wall and Counting' under his breath.
"Ahem … !"
Ben jumped, and grinned sheepishly at Goody. "Oh! Hello there, wife-type character!"
Goody narrowed her eyes. "Alright, it's about time we left this place. Gather the likkle ones, Ben." She held a large sack in her paws and emptied the shelves into it. Ben wrapped his four hogs in a burlap blanket. They were about to leave the hut when Ben dropped his bundle.
Director: CUT!
Everyone on the set yells, "WHAT? WHAT THE SCREW IS WRONG NOW?"
Director: What do you mean WHAT? Didn't you catch that?
"No."
Director: He dropped his darn hogs! Alright, do that scene again. ACTION!
………
Director: Alright, THAT'S IT! *runs off the webpage in anger*
"No, come back! We have to finish the chapter!"
Director: That's your problem now!
"NOOOO! I was supposed to impress everyone with my excellent fighting skills!"
Director: That's your problem now! *runs into http://www.geocities.com and continues working on her website*
A/N: Abrupt? Yes. It was going too long anyways. See that thing that says 'Submit Review?' DO IT! OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND DO SOMETHING, WHICH I CAN'T THINK OF RIGHT NOW!