Disclaimer: I don't own Pokie, I don't own TR, and I don't own California King - they all belong to TV Tokyo, Satoshi Tajiri (actually I don't think Tajiri came up w/the TR concept, but oh well) and the song belongs to EVERCLEAR. Wow, what a creative disclaimer I have. Woohoo. This sucks. I like writing funny disclaimers but can't think of anything for this one. . .oh well.
If you haven't heard California King, I HIGHLY SUGGEST you get it - either off of Napster, or buy the whole cd. The one that this song is on is So Much For the Afterglow, so okay, go buy the cd, I'll shut up now so you can read my first little songficcie. And please review it, cuz as I just said I've never written a songficcie before and I'd like some feedback on it. Kay I'll really shut up now. Done. Go read! ^^()
Lasting Embers
by Hino-chan
Once again, I am wallowing in my own pathetic self-pity. I feel like such a failure! And frankly, I am. Neither Jessie nor I have actually ever accomplished anything in our lives together.
Lives together. Wow. I never really run the phrase over in my head, since I tend to speak my mind and am afraid that something like that would deliver nothing more than another whack on the head from my partner. But truthfully, we've always been together, Jessie and I.
I don't know why I haven't been better. I don't know why I haven't tried harder to make myself worthy of her praise, her respect. Maybe. . .maybe I haven't even earned it. I sure hope I have, though.
It's people like him that make me feel less of myself. It's times like now that my heart sinks to my feet and I ask myself why I haven't gone home yet.
Not that I have one.
Mondo called us yesterday. He said a party was being held at HQ tomorrow in honor of Butch and Cassidy's promotion. No new outfits, no new assignment; they just get paid more. Apparently the two of them, moreso Butch than Cassidy, though, have changed for the better and have been pulling Pokemon in by the truckload. "He's a whole new man," Mondo said of Butch.
If only that kid knew how Butch used to be.
It would take a miracle to erase his old rep.
But anyway, I'll tell you - If Jessie and I got paid more, I know we sure would be a little more motivated to do a better job. Instead we're just threatened, and even though threatening definitely gets it's point across, it doesn't sound nearly as nice as getting more money.
So now we're stuck in going to this stupid party, even though neither of us want to. Well, no, that's not true - Jessie wants to go, but I don't. She's the one who hates Cassidy so much, so why is it that she's so exited about going to a something that's in honor of her promotion? I guess it's that she's such a party girl. And I'm . . . not. A party person, I mean. I'm fully aware I'm not a party girl. I never really feel comfortable around people in general.
That is, other than her.
So here I sit in our cheap hotel room, wondering when Jessie will be out of the shower. God, she takes forever!
But, if Jessie decides to take forever, well, then that's how long I'll wait.
~~~
Man, she really does take forever to take a shower. We were an hour late for the little promotion thing . . . ugh. I really don't want to be here. If it was any other party I guess I'd be okay, but for these two. . .ew. And people call Jessie a slut. First of all, it's a uniform. Hear that? U-N-I-F-O-R-M. Even if we didn't like them - which we do - we wouldn't have any choice in changing what we wear. On other occasions, Jessie never dresses quite that scantily. Cassidy, on the other hand - she's a regular bimbo! I always assumed she and Butch had a thing for each other, but I guess I was wrong. At least, I sure hope I'm wrong, with the way she's dancing with some of these people.
Then there's that Butch guy. What an egomaniac. Look at him, standing on that podium, grinning like a moron. He really thinks he's got it made.
I used to be like that.
Now look at me.
Look at us.
Butch was never too bright, but he always pulled strings to get his way.
Forget what I said about Cassidy being sexually explicit. She's nothing compared to her partner in crime.
I see you have made yourself a brand new life
Such a cool blue star with a bright new shine
If Cassidy was Jessie's rival, Butch was my black cat on a moonless night. Prowling me at every turn, he is a soulless monster I see in the corner of my eye that causes more pain than he will ever know, or care. Sometimes, he'll be stalking prey in the dark with his gleaming eyes, while other times he'll sit and take in his surroundings without a care in the world.
But woe betide the person who pounces upon the soulless monster that is he.
There have been plenty of times where I look at a girl and find her attractive, even though I have a goddess at my side day in and day out. What, did you really expect me to pass by all these women with huge chests and pretend they're less beautiful than my Jess?!
Even though in truth they are.
I'm only human.
A human, hormone-drivin teenage boy, at that.
So is Butch, and I'll be damned if you can't tell! I knew that kid from way back in Tech, and every single time I saw him, he was with another girl. When I say with, I don't mean holding hands walking down the hall . . . the guy looked like he was in the throws of romance, lip locked with the latest bulimic that had caught his eye. Whenever he wasn't making out he was on the prowl for another bitch.
I hate using that word.
I wonder if Jessie knows who it was. I wonder if she knows I know what happened. I don't know whether to hope she knows or pray for her to be spared the knowledge.
That man split my heart in two, and beams at the thought.
The night of the exams. The Tech exams that would change our lives forever.
Our lives. Oh, it feels so good to say that.
But in the context I speak of it, it's so . . . empty. So. . .
Wrong.
I wish it had been different.
For that night was the night that the black cat with the demon eyes stole my love from me.
I don't think Jessie was even capable of coherent thought at the time, but I'm sure as I am of my virginity that he was.
In case you didn't know, Jessie is quite a dancer. Even when under the influence, which she at the time certainly was, that girl can make a guy . . . oh, you know what I mean. We both knew we were going to fail the tests tomorrow no matter what, so Jessie and I decided to go and have the time of our lives. If we died in the process, so be it, because neither of us thought we had promising futures - this being the reason she was so damned drunk. It's amazing the amount of alcohol that's available to you when you're 14. But hey, that's life. Anyway, I was never one for booze, so I just sat back and egged her on. I loved seeing Jessie happy, because it was so rare that I ever did. Right then, she was standing on top of small, round wooden table, dancing the night away. God, she looked so good, I could just taste her . . . and I wish I could.
I loved her so much. I still do, but after what happened next, the feelings were so dirty.
After what seemed like an hour, Jessie collapsed - smack dab onto Butch. I got up from the table where I was talking to my friend Jordan (yes, I had friends; is it so much of a surprise?) and made my way over to make sure she was all right - never mind Butch; I could care less about what happened to him. I had never even talked to the kid before, but I despised every aspect of his being. The last place I wanted to see Jessie was in his lap, which is where she was now.
Butch, however, had different ideas. He looked Jessie in the eye, jumped up, grabbed her by the wrists and whisked her out of the room. She didn't resist; I can imagine she could even tell what was going on. I ran to stop him, but Butch is one of those people who everyone likes to protect. Three guys who looked like they came out of the Mafia grabbed me by the throat, wrist and arm all at once, and threw me out the window of the dorm. I flew through the large pane and fell with a crash and a shatter onto the hard blacktop outside. My face stung with the shards of glass now embedded in it, as did my neck, arms and palms.
There was nothing I could do. As soon as I stood up to find her, those morons knocked me down again. They had come outside. I don't think it would be appropriate to say the followed me. Every time they knocked me down I got back up, only to find myself down on the ground once again. But I kept my intention straight - I couldn't let that bastard take advantage of her. I couldn't let him get her. I couldn't let him take my Jessie away from me . . .
I woke the next morning to a sickening groan. I bolted up out of bed, memories of the night before flashing through my mind.
"Jessie!" I screamed her name in an utter panic.
As of out of the abyss, a hand reached up, grabbed me by the collar and pulled me out of my bed onto the floor. When I later looked back on the situation, I assumed that someone had found me unconscious on the ground and dumped my limp form into my dorm. I don't know how Jessie had gotten there.
"James . . . you left me," Jessie was lying on the messy carpeted floor of my dorm room, her breathing labored and her face pale as a sheet. "You left me with that man to die." She started at me, and the look on her face was that of a mother disappointed in her child's schoolwork - but that comparison made me nauseous and I forced the thought out of my mind. She continued in a morose tone, her voice soft but full of mourn, like a blackbird's song of death. "How could you do that to me, James? How could you leave me in that monster's hands?"
Someone must have thrust their fist into my chest and torn my heart out, because I felt empty after she spoke those words. I had become a shell of a human being. I felt totally worthless. I wanted to die right then and there.
Then that angel spoke to me, and I was raised up out of Hell.
"Promise me you'll never do that again. I love you James. But just, please, don't do that again."
One of my hands I took Jessie's in, and the other I put around her waist, pulling her up to me. She was so weak and she fell back onto my chest, buried her head in my neck and began to sob. I pushed myself upright so my back was against one of the legs of the bed and my head rested on the side of the mattress, and I held her to me.
It was morning, and the sun was refracted into a billion colors by the huge window on the right wall. The light shined into my eyes, forcing them closed. I was able, however, to squint and peer at Jessie's limp form. There were finger-shaped bruises on her neck and all the way up her arms. Her full-length skirt now had a full-length slit up the side, and her sandals were gone. She wore a cream colored blouse that tied in a bow just above her navel, and buttoned the rest of the way up. The right sleeve had been completely torn and lay dangling at the cuff near her wrist, and the two top buttons had been pulled off.
Jessie and I had a thing that we always tell each other how we feel. It's something we agreed on when we first met. Both of us were lonely souls with no one else to care for them, and we knew we'd both regret it if something happened to break our friendship that was as diminutive as a bottled up emotion.
"James . . . " Jessie's sobs continued, but were quieter now, and she was able to speak through them into my neck.
"Yes?" I replied softly.
"I feel so safe with you."
I beamed, but tears sprung up at her innocence. I know; when you think Jessie, you never think innocent. And certainly after tonight she was less innocent than ever. But this she knew, and she missed it. She regretted what happened with that bastard so much it killed her.
He could have killed her, too.
And I'll tell you, he is damned lucky that he didn't.
Not that that's any forgiveness from me, though.
"Promise you won't leave me James. Promise you'll always be here for me."
My tears flowed freely as I replied, "I will never leave you. I will never, ever go. I promise. You know that. I wouldn't do that to you."
We never took the exams that day. There was no way I was going to get up and go to class with - or without - Jessie like this. It's the only reason we failed so horribly - our names were down as having taken them, and a Scantron had already been filled out with our name on it, but we never filled out a single question.
Not that it mattered.
Jessie never found out it was Butch. Why didn't I tell her? I don't know. I should have gone up to that kid and smashed his head apart with a sledgehammer, but I didn't. And I don't know why.
~~~
I see you wear your checkered past just like a shining suit of gold
I know you think you look so special
Now he - Butch - stands there, accepting his new position - their new position - with that Godforsaken voice of his, as being "One step higher in command of the most powerful crime syndicate in the world!"
Good for you. Now can I go home?
Not that Jessie would have let me. She was having a blast. Plus, she was drunk, and I'm not exactly all for Jessie when she's drunk. There's always plenty of liquor at Team Rocket bashes; it's the one thing you can count on. Oh well. At least the girl is having fun. She doesn't get that often. Me? I don't really care. The most I can make of this time is to glare evilly at Butch, and hope to burn a hole in his skull. He's not even moving, just watching people from that corner of the room that seems to belong to him. Everyone smiles, waves, says congratulations - I wonder if they all know, too.
I am told you have found yourself a brand new time
Watch the world stand still as the years go by
I know you think you are new and different
But it makes no sense to me
I wonder if they know how much more of him is demon than human being.
I wonder if they would care if they knew.
There is nothing new about you
Just another self-made man
There is nothing new that I can see
Enjoy it while you can
I know you think you look so special
Cassidy is up there dancing just as hard as Jessie. Maybe they're trying to beat each other out. My guess is that Cassidy knows all about Butch and his little . . . tendencies.
Oh, Jess. She asked me to dance, of course, but I can't dance for my life and don't want to make her look like a moron too. So here I am, watching my love, who is able to gain more stares than the Mona Lisa. Oy.
Now he's getting up, and . . . walking around aimlessly? What's the bastard doing? Sure it's his party, but if you ask me, he should go stand in the corner and don a dunce hat.
Ha. He's going to try to dance.
He deserves to be hung.
What makes you think you are so special?
What makes you think you are unique?
I have a high tolerance for deprivation of love. I experience it every day, so of course I get used to it. If I didn't, I'd be dead by now. Jessie's and my little pact we had during Tech had worn away quite a bit. So I've come up with my own little method. What I do is whenever Jessie does something, says something - whatever, that I feel is her way of expressing love, I store it in a little space in the back of my head reserved just for her. Whenever I feel depressed I can just go to this little place in my mind where nothing exists except her praise and love, and feel total bliss.
I started practicing this as soon as Jess and I joined Team Rocket, since I knew I was going to need something to keep all those violent things outside of me.
I treasure that world, and sometimes, I think it may be all that keeps me alive.
But when something is able to dig inside my head and take those feelings away . . .
I've only had one person do that before, and he wasn't there for me to beat the crap out of.
Right now, Butch, on the other hand, was right in my vicinity, and seeing him dancing with Jessie is definitely one of the things that fills me with more demise than I can stand.
I see you smile and I get angry
As I watch you go colossal
Like a California King
But who am I to interfere? This certainly isn't the time to go up to Jessie and say "Jess, don't you realize this is the guy who stole your virginity you when you were half unconscious four years ago?" But I can't just sit here and do nothing.
She told me to promise never to do this to her again. Never to leave her.
Never to leave her in the hands of that monster . . .
Never to leave her in the hands of that monster!
They say he's a new man. He sure doesn't act like one.
I hear you gave the world a brand new voice
Such a happy melody with a new wave whine
Yeah, I see you hide behind your own noise
I remember all too well the look on Butch's face that night when he took my Jessie away from me.
I never believed that history would actually repeat itself.
But, I guess I was wrong.
For there was Jessie, being whisked away by the wrists by the black cat with the demon eyes, who had stolen my love from me.
I think I've seen enough!
Not again. There's not a chance in Hell I will let this happen again!
I will find you in the crowded room
I will knock you off your feet
I will burn you just like teenage love
I will eat you just like meat
I will break you into pieces
Hold you up for all the world to see
Butch didn't have his little "flunkies" with him today. There wasn't anyone to hold me back, and I doubt he saw what was coming, considering my usual gentle mannerism. Before Butch had time to drag Jessie out to his car I grabbed him by the collar, wrenched her out of his grip and threw him back against the floor.
"And just where do you think you're going?" I questioned coolly.
Yeah what makes you think you are better than me?!
Butch doesn't have what you could call quick reflexes. Though the music went on, the crowd parted to give us room in the excitement of a fight. Imbeciles. Butch stammered before climbing shakily to his feet and throwing a punch to my head. His aim was so off and his arm so shaky that it just barely struck my shoulder. He stumbled over and then quickly turned around, took up a endurance stance and lunged at me.
What makes you think you're better?!
I stepped to the side and Butch flew past me, landing on the tiled floor and sliding a few feet before coming to a halt and jumping back up again. He about-faced and took a moment to gauge a number of variables - the distance between the two of us, the distance between us and the crowd, my height, my build, and just how pissed off at him I was.
I've never been much of a fighter - more like a dodge 'n swipe kind of guy.
A mad bull has more ego and more stupidity than any other animal on earth. He will rage into battle with fire in his eyes, ready to pulverize anything in his path.
What makes you think you are complete?
A bull thinks that anything in his way will fall to his massive horns, and in turn, the best way to get his way is to pummel through the crowd until he does. Nothing can stop him.
What makes you think you are the only one immune to falling down?
Except the big stone wall that refuses to move.
The bull rams it, and gets stuck by the horns.
Why can't you see?
Butch barreled forward faster than the bullet train. He leapt up off the floor and lunged, as to head butt me in the stomach.
Swift as a samurai, I turned and grabbed him into a headlock, but with the propulsion behind him the rest of his body welled up inside his neck as if a boulder had landed on his head. Butch groaned, and his eyes shut.
He used to take me for such a fool.
Either that, or he honestly didn't realize who I was.
And what I remember.
Which I thoroughly doubt.
Bending one leg up I strained my muscles, lifted my arms up and then threw them quick as lightning, releasing Butch from my headlock and slamming him down onto my knee. He moaned in despair before flipping over and flying down to meet the floor.
I knelt down over Butch's quivering, sobbing form and looked into his face. His tear-filled eyes were like melted glass, and I could see the fire in mine reflecting back.
I see you fall and I get happy
"If you think I don't remember you're just making it harder on yourself. Stay away from her. I'll kill you if you don't."
I will watch you burn like fire
I will watch you burn like fire
I will watch you burn, like a California King
Even if Butch was physically able to speak coherently, he wouldn't have done so. Butch isn't quite that stupid. He knows if he even tried to speak back to me in defense of himself I would have cracked his spine, like he is lucky I hadn't done already.
I stood back up and took Jessie's hand, pulling her up. She had just been sitting there on the floor, watching me. She looked tired and confused, like a lost child without a mother.
But, then again . . .
*Sigh*
"Come on Jess, let's go." We were already heading out but I needed to say something.
She nodded. I think she knew what had happened, but just . . . it hadn't fully hit her. But when it did, she was going to need some time to recover.
A lot of time.
At least I was there.
I thank myself for that.
I looked back over my shoulder at the white mouse with the clouded eyes, and smiled to myself.
Hm - I will watch you burn
Yes, I will watch you burn
Like a California King
Jessie turned her face towards me suddenly. "James, can we go home? I'm tired."
I smiled inwardly, but was still to upset to be able to show it physically. "Okay. We'll go home." By home I meant camp.
"I love you James . . . thank you. Thank you for showing me that you love me too." Tears were streaming in rivers down Jessie's face. "Please never go away. Don't leave me."
My soul shattered and I broke down into tears. Horror could not begin to describe what had overcome me, and I simply fell to my knees and cried. Jessie knelt down and crept her way into my arms.
I held her to me like I had so many years before.
Not so many. So few.
But something didn't feel right. I, something, felt so . . .
Wrong.
I shot a look at Butch. He was propped up against a wall with a smirk on his face, staring a hole into my skull.
Oh, I will watch you burn. . .