Title: Twinkie

Summary: A collection of one-shots and two-shots all revolving around Columbus, Tallahassee, and the ever elusive spongy, yellow, delicious bastards that are Twinkies.

Warnings: I've only seen Zombieland once and am guaranteed to fuck things up. Feel free to correct me and help me improve. I've never written anything for Zombieland before so I have no grasp on the characters. So...yeah. Anyway, stories can vary from very dark and gruesome to light and fluffy to very inappropriate and smutty.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Twinkies," he breathed softly as he walked in the general direction of where he thought there was a store, certain that it was down the street while the Floridian hick headed in the opposite direction. Clutching his shotgun closer to his chest, Columbus tried to take calming, deep breaths as he made his way down the eerily silent neighborhood. Use the buddy system! It was one of his most important rules; with the exception of cardio and double tap...and Ziploc bags. Trying to focus on his breathing, the jumpy ex-college student tried to walk as silently as he could, sneakers hitting the asphalt as gently as they could until he breathed a sigh of relief. A convenience store. Luck was finally on his fucking side!

Keeping his double-barrel shotgun pressed against his chest as he chewed nervously on the string to the hoodie he was wearing, Columbus gently pushed open the door to the neighborhood store, flinching at the jingling sound that filled the still air from the bell that was screwed into the door. Slowly closing the door, and making sure that it did not jingle, the young adult stepped over spilled canned goods and merchandise that was scattered about the floor. "If I were a Twinkie, where would I be?" he asked softly before beginning to walk down an aisle, choosing to walk along the wall and move slowly.

No sudden movements, no loud sounds, nothing to alert anything nearby of your presence...

His eyes scanned over every window and opening between the aisles, making sure that there was no chance of becoming a human Happy Meal by surprise. Fuck, if that was not the biggest display of Twinkies he had seen since Tallahassee started their ongoing search for the Hostess snack cakes...

Maybe such a large quantity could break the hick out of his morose and bitter funk... For the past three days nothing, not even beheading a zombie with a pair of hedge clippers, could break the man out of his funk and bring him back to his normal...crazed, zombie-hunting state.

Tucking his beloved gun underneath his arm, the brunette leaned down and turned over the upturned, yellow box, smiling slightly at the sight of the individually wrapped delights. The shrink wrap that encased the large box kept all of the Twinkies within the flimsy box. Picking up the box carefully, he set it down on the shelve before looking at the other boxes. Seven. Seven fucking boxes of Twinkies. This had to make Tallahassee happy.

Columbus startled at a sudden screech behind him, nearly dropping his gun as he spun around to see a female worker running down the far aisle at him. With nerve-rattled and shaking hands, he aimed at the female and fired off a shot. "Fuck!" he gasped in apprehension before firing off another round, catching her in the throat and wincing when she let out a gurgled screech. He started to run into a different aisle as he reached in his pocket for his bag of shells, fishing out two, and dropping quite a few as he attempted to reload his shotgun.

Cardio, you can outrun this fucker, he thought to himself as he heard her come barreling into the same aisle and running behind him. Not bothering to look back, he fired off another shot behind him, skidding to a halt when he heard a thump behind him. Panting softly for breath, he turned around to eye the female growled at him as she snapped her jaws, crawling towards him. Wincing slightly, Columbus aimed before firing off another shot, breathing deeply at the splatter of blood that coated the dirty floor. Not giving her a chance to get the upper hand, he reloaded his shotgun before firing again. Better safe than sorry.

He tried to calm his breathing as he walked around the dead body before heading back to the display stand of Twinkies. Picking up the box that he set down again, he jumped at the sound of glass shattering to his right. Holding his gun and the snack cakes to his chest, Columbus dashed for the door, glad that he took the time to limber up once they got out of the car and everyone decided to go their own ways, blatantly ignoring the rules that he created to survive the United States of Zombieland. He ran out the door, flinching at the sound that the bell made as groans and snarls began to fill the air. Not wanting to give them time to find him, he began to run down the street while holding onto the box for dear life, eyes widening when a group of zombies ran out into the street in front of him.

Columbus almost laughed in nervous relief when the zombies in front of him suddenly were knocked off of their feet before tumbling to the ground; their latest pilfered car running over the fallen bodies as the blonde Floridian leaned out the window. "The fuck did you go, spit-fuck? Get your ass in the fucking car!"

Nodding, Columbus ran to the passenger's side of the car, flinging open the door before jumping inside and slamming the door shut, sinking against the seat as he listened to Tallahassee fire at the group of zombies before stepping on the gas and barreling through the crowd.

"Girls are still missing," he drawled before eyeing the box of treats in the younger man's lap. "...Well, what did the little spit-fuck find?"

"Twinkies... " he said, waiting until they stopped before handing the box over to the grinning man who began to tear open the shrink wrap as pick up one of the yellow, sponge cakes. Relaxing against the seat, Columbus picked at the drawstring of his hoodie before chewing it again, startling when a large hand clapped against his shoulder.

"Thanks, spit-fuck."

"No problem," he said around the string, blinking when the hick pulled it out of his mouth. "I thought that might make you happy and take you out of that funk you were in..." he paused when the man looked at him with an odd expression on his face. "N-never mind...sorry...I-I didn't... Sorry. Umm, you said that the girls were missing?" He could feel his face burning and whether it was from embarrassment or nervousness, he could not help but hate himself for it.

Review and let me know what you thought/whether I should continue.