Need You Now
.
Sirius laid in his bed, wide awake, his hands clutching onto the top of his blanket. He pulled it up around his face and closed his eyes painfully tight. Growling in frustration the man rolled onto his side and closed his eyes again, mentally pleading for sleep to find him. A tear escaped the corner of his eyes and rolled down onto his pillow. He opened his eyes and stared at his clock. 12:48
He threw the covers off of himself and climbed out of bed. The chill of the floor shot through his legs as his bare feet moved across it. He quickly found his slippers and slid his feet into them before opening his bedroom door and making his way downstairs. Quietly he moved so as to not awaken the shrieking portrait of his mother that clung to the wall on the stairway. Once in the kitchen, he reached for a bottle of liquor, but pulled his hand back and poured himself a glass of water instead.
The sleep deprived man made his way back upstairs, just as quietly, and flipped the light on in his room. He sipped at his drink and took a seat at his dust covered desk. The corner of a photo, poking out from an old school book which rested on the edge of his desk, caught his eye. He reached over a freed it from the pages.
A loud, half-coughed sob escaped from him as he peered down at the still photo of Remus and himself. They were standing in their school dormitory, it was sixth year and smiles graced both of their faces. The photo was taken almost twenty-five years ago, but for Sirius it felt as though many lifetimes had passed. The memory of that day came rushing to him, causing another sob to leave his throat.
"Remus, would you get a move on already? You've been in front of that thing for half an hour." Sirius laughed and dropped down onto the edge of his bed.
"I have not," Remus spat. He reluctantly turned away from the mirror and touched his hair. "I just can't make it lay down right."
Sirius barked out another laugh and shook his head at Remus. "Moony, you look fine. You're starting to act worse than James."
Remus rolled his eyes and crossed over to his bed. "I am not. James is way worse." He began to straighten out his things and pushed his trunk closed. "Especially if Lily is going to be around," he added with a smirk.
Sirius kicked off his shoes and laid out on his bed fully. "Don't be like that. Prongsey has it bad for Evans. He can't help but act like a total fool around her." He looked over at Remus with a huge smile on his face.
"I know." Remus laughed quietly and walked over to Sirius' bed. He leaned against one of the posters at the foot of the bed and looked down at Sirius. "I wish that those two would get together already and spare us James' constant whines. Do you think Lily will like this shirt?" Remus said, the last bit in a mock girlie voice, and laughed again.
"Do you think that Lily would rather have chocolate or peppermint?" Sirius asked in the same girlie voice as he sat up and crossed his legs. He patted the bed in front of him.
Remus sat down and leaned against the same poster he had been when standing. "Oh, we forgot the best one. If I sent her a bouquet of lilies would it seem like I was trying to hard or-"
"Would roses offend her?" Sirius finished quickly, shaking with laughter. "They won't ever hook up though. Evans can't stand James."
"Oh, please," Remus said with a scoff. "Lily couldn't be more obvious. She is crazy about James, she's just too stubborn to admit it."
"Yeah," Sirius said with a slightly hesitant tone. "How hard is it to just look at someone and say I love you?"
Remus nodded and looked down at his hands. He started examining a split in his thumb nail with a slight frown.
Sirius looked up at Remus and bit his bottom lip. "I love you."
"Yeah, I heard you the first time, Padfoot. It isn't hard," Remus said casually, not even looking up.
"No, you idiot," Sirius said with annoyance. Remus looked up at him with an angry scowl on his face and Sirius smiled. He got up on his knees and scooted across the bed to sit in front of Remus. "I love you, Remus. I'm in love...with you."
Remus stopped breathing. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't even think. He stared up into Sirius' eyes for what had to have been a good three minutes before the other boy looked away, his eyes clearly showing hurt.
"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered. "I shouldn't have said that." He started to climb off of the bed but Remus' hand closed around his upper arm.
Remus turned Sirius to face him and slipped his hand behind his neck. He smiled lovingly and leaned forward, pressing his lips against Sirius'. Shocked, but thrilled, Sirius reached out and wrapped his arms around Remus' waist, pulling him against his body.
They moved their lips slowly at first, getting the feel for each other. Remus pressed his body harder against Sirius and ran his tongue over his bottom lip, asking for entrance, which he was quickly granted.
Sirius leaned back and pulled Remus to lay on top of him. He ran his hands down the boy's back then slipped them under his shirt and laid them against his bare skin.
The sound of the door opening startled them both. Sirius tried to sit up too quickly, which caused Remus, who was attempting to slide off to the side, to fall onto the floor. Remus let out a groan as he hit the ground and started laughing. He looked up to see James staring down at him with a very confused expression.
"Why are you in the floor?" James asked, extending his hand, his tone very suspicious.
Remus grabbed James' hand and pulled himself to stand. He didn't answer the boy's question and avoided his eyes.
Peter held up a camera and shook it excitedly at Remus and Sirius. "Look what my mum just sent me. Isn't it great? It's a muggle camera but we can develop the photos with our wands."
Sirius stood up and pulled the camera out of Peter's hand. He looked it over and handed it back. "Sure is, that thing is weird. Oh..." He ran over to where Remus was standing and dropped his arm around his shoulders. "Take a picture of us," Sirius said excitedly. "Not you," he added when James moved to get into the photo. "Just me and Moony."
James raised his eyebrows, smirked and took a few steps back, his hands raised in surrender.
Remus and Sirius leaned towards each other, their heads almost touching, and smiled at the camera. After the flash went off, Remus blinked rapidly and rubbed at his eyes. Sirius bounced over to Peter and started questioning him about how to get the photo. Remus sat down on the edge of his bed, purposely ignoring the knowing look that James was casting his way.
Sirius plopped down on the bed next to Remus and shoved the photo under his face. Remus took it and looked down at the oddly still photo.
"Sirius, you aren't even looking at the camera. You're looking at me," Remus said, handing it back.
"Yeah, I know," Sirius said with a soft smile and took the photo back. He slipped it in his pocket and put his arm around Remus' back. "I think it's perfect."
Sirius sat down his glass on the desk and held the photo with both hands. He slowly moved his hands apart, tearing the photo down the middle, separating the two boys. His tears fell faster as his shaking hands continued to rip at the photo. He turned his hands out, allowing the multitude of pieces from the photo to to fall onto the floor. Pressing his palms against his eyes, he dropped himself down onto his desk. One of his hands moved over the desk, frantically trying to find a quill.
He finally lifted his head, consenting to look at what he was doing. He grabbed a quill and a bit of parchment.
Remus, I know that we said it would be better if we didn't
He scribbled out what he had written and shook his head. He took a deep breath and tried again.
Moony, We both agreed that things would be better if we just didn't try to get back what we had, but it's killing me. Maybe you can come by and and we can talk about
He growled loudly and crumpled the parchment then flung it against the wall. The man slid out of his chair and onto the floor. His tears started up again as he desperately tried to gather all of the pieces of the torn photo. He crawled over to his night stand to retrieve his wand and glanced at his clock. 1:15
He repaired the photo and pulled himself back into his chair, clutching the photo tightly to his chest. He pulled out another scrap of parchment and knew what to write.
Remus, I need you.
picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
reaching for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
and I wonder if I ever cross your mind
for me it happens all the time
it's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
and I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Remus held a cup of tea between his hands while he sat on his couch. He stared straight in front of him, not really focusing on anything in particular. His tea had long since gone cold from sitting in his hands, not a single sip taken from it. The man's light blue eyes moved over towards his front door, then down onto his cup. He lifted it to his lips and made a disgusted face as the cold, stale liquid hit his tongue.
He looked around him, wanting his wand and sighed heavily as the memory of leaving it in the kitchen hit him. He stood up and walked into his tiny kitchen, heading for the counter where his wand rested. He picked it up and pointed it at the cup. Before saying the warming spell, he shook his head and crossed over to the sink, stowing his wand in his pocket as he did.
He poured his tea sloppily into the sink, not caring that drops of it splashed up onto his counters. He sat his cup on the counter and reached into the cabinet above it. His hand came out, clutching an almost full bottle of fire whiskey. He tipped the bottle to his cup, filling it to the brim, then lifted it to his lips.
Remus' eyes closed as he drained half of his cup in one drink. He turned from the counter, but doubled back and picked up the bottle, replacing what was missing from his cup.
With a full cup of fire whiskey, Remus walked back into his living room and over to his bookshelf. His fingers moved softly over the spines of the books in his Muggle author section and his eyes, they moved to his front door. He licked his lips and quickly drained his cup completely. Blindly, the man grabbed a book off of the shelf and fell back onto his couch. He pulled open the book, still not sure what he had chosen. His eyes weren't even on the book, they were back on the front door.
Remus sighed and tossed the book onto the coffee table in front of him, picked up his cup and carried it back into the kitchen. He sat the cup on the counter harshly, picked up the bottle and removed the topper. He put the bottle to the rim of his cup and stopped. After a few deep breaths, he shook his head and lifted the bottle away from his cup. He sat the cup in his sink and picked up the bottle, carrying it into the living room with him.
He walked over to his front door and leaned his back against it. He tipped the bottle up to his lips in an attempt to drive away the unwanted memories.
Remus picked up his cup of tea and walked into his new living room. He glanced around at the array of boxes and sighed happily before walking over to a box and pulling it open with one hand. He reached into it and pulled out several books. He placed them on his new bookshelf and sipped at his tea while putting them into alphabetical order.
A loud bang on the door caused the man to jump and almost splash tea onto himself. He sat his cup down on the shelf and walked over to the front door. He put his hand on the knob and smiled. "Who is it?"
"It's me, Moony. Come on, let me in. Your neighbor is staring at me with funny eyes," Sirius' voice and laughter came through the door.
Remus pulled open the door and stepped back as Sirius stepped inside, holding a large basket of mixed fruit which was so large that he could barely see around it. Remus laughed and closed the door behind him. He eyed the basket with a smirk as Sirius lowered it onto a counter in the kitchen.
Sirius turned back to Remus and wrapped his arms around his neck. "Hey there, sexy. You getting everything put away?" he asked, leaning forward and giving Remus a quick kiss.
"I'm working on it," Remus answered, slipping his arms around Sirius' waist and locking his hands behind him. "What gets you out of bed so early? It isn't even ten yet," he said, smiling.
Sirius narrowed his eyes, but couldn't stop himself from laughing. "I wanted to bring you a house warming gift."
Remus pulled away from Sirius and walked over to the basket. He picked up an apple and tossed it into the air, then caught it with one hand. "Nothing says 'congratulations on having a grandparent you didn't know die and leave you a house' like a big basket of produce." He pointed the apple at Sirius, then sat it back into the basket.
"Are you insane? That thing isn't from me, it's from Lily. She's concerned that you aren't eating right. All of those pregnancy hormones are making her all motherly. She made me one too," Sirius said, barking out a laugh.
"Oh, shoulda known." Remus smiled then looked back up at Sirius. "What did you come to give me then?"
Sirius gave him a sly smile and grabbed his hand. He stepped into him and ran his other hand over Remus' shoulder. "Show me your new bedroom and I'll tell you," he whispered.
Remus laughed quietly and pulled Sirius in the proper direction. He opened a door and pointed inside. "There it is," he said with another quiet laugh.
Sirius peeked inside the room and laughed. All that was inside the room was a dresser and two closed boxes. "Okay, let me rephrase that," he said, turning back to Remus. "Show me where you sleep and I'll give it to you."
Remus licked his lips and pointed at his couch. He walked over to it, pulling Sirius behind him by the hand. He sat down and Sirius dropped next to him. They looked into each other's eyes and smiled.
"I missed you," Sirius said, pouting slightly. He pulled his hand out of Remus' and put it on his cheek. He slipped his other arm around his waist.
"I was only gone for three days," Remus said, scooting closer to Sirius.
"It felt like so much longer," Sirius whined and pulled him into a deep and passionate kiss.
They both tightened their hold around each other and Sirius pushed against Remus, forcing him to lie back on the couch. Remus moaned in anticipation and slipped his hands under Sirius' shirt. He pulled it free from his body and tosses it to the floor. Sirius smiled and moved his lips onto Remus' neck. He brushed them lightly down his neck then jutted out his tongue and ran it over the skin, up to his ear. He nipped lightly at Remus' earlobe and let out a low growl.
Remus closed his eyes and bit down on his bottom lip. He dragged his fingers down Sirius' bare back and turned his head to face him. Remus gave him a smile and moved one of his hands up to his face. He brushed his hand across Sirius' cheek and pushed it into his hair. His fingers twisted into the long black strands and pulled Sirius' lips back onto his own.
After a lingering kiss, Sirius pulled away and sat up straight, pulling Remus to sit as well. He grabbed onto the bottom of Remus' shirt and smiled as he felt his hand get slapped. "I don't know why you even bother fighting me on this, I always win."
"I know you do, Padfoot. I just can't help it." Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath as Sirius slid off his shirt.
Sirius ran his hand over Remus' chest, using his fingertips to trace the lines of several deep scars that spread across the man's body. He brought his lips down and pressed them against the newest of them, one that particularly bothered Remus, due to the fact that it extended up onto his neck where everyone could see. When Remus flinched, Sirius pulled him against his body and brought his lips to his ear.
"I love you so much, Moony. Every bit of you," Sirius whispered, his tone full of devotion.
"I know that," Remus said, opening his eyes. He put his hands on the sides of Sirius' face and looked deep into his eyes. "I love you too, Sirius. I always have and I always will."
Tears streaked down Remus' face as he dropped the now empty bottle onto the floor in front of him. He watched as it rolled across the floor and bumped into the wall. His eyes traveled up and rested on the clock hanging there. 1:15
His hands shook as he reached for his heavy coat hanging on the hook by his door. He slipped it on and pulled open the door.
another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
and I wonder if I ever cross your mind
for me it happens all the time
it's a quarter after one I'm a little drunk and I need you now
said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
and I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Rain poured down heavily onto Remus as he made his way down the proper streets of London. He knew better than to Apparate when drunk. He could have cast an iImpervious/i charm and stopped himself from getting wet, he just wasn't in the right mind to do so. His splashing footsteps echoed loudly into the darkness on the empty, still streets, sending chills down his spine. The chills only added to the shaking that he was already experiencing from being drenched in the cold night air.
Sirius folded up his small note and headed downstairs. He wasn't allowed to leave the house, by Dumbledore's orders, but luckily, he had Kreacher. Though he loathed the abomination and the very sight of the house-elf made his stomach turn in disgust, he would be most useful for this task. He was heading to fetch the elf and order him to deliver the note to Remus when he heard the door knob being tried. Having locked it himself, he ran down the remaining stairs before the person rang the bell and began to release the locks.
Remus stood back, not even bothering to wipe away the water which was persistently dripping into his eyes, and listened as the door was being unlocked. He stepped inside when the door was opened and turned to face Sirius, who was staring at him with shock on his face.
Sirius wasn't sure if he was awake. Surely, he must have fallen asleep at his desk, or even sooner. He closed his fist tightly around the note in his hand and took a hesitant step towards Remus. He pushed the door closed and took a deep breath. A part of him begged for it to be a dream. For in his dreams, when Remus came over, it wasn't for Order business or dinner, it was for him. In his dreams, Remus was his. He could have him in his arms; in his bed.
Sirius reached out and placed his hand softly on Remus' cheek, gasping slightly at the fact that the man was both real, as well as not moving away from his touch. Remus closed his eyes and pressed his face against Sirius' hand. Sirius stepped closer and moved his lips towards Remus'. He stopped just before they met, as the smell of alcohol hit him hard.
"You're drunk," Sirius whispered, dropping his hand and taking a step away from Remus.
Remus nodded slowly, a pained look forming on his face, and wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stop the violent shivering that was causing his teeth to crash together and hurt his jaw. Sirius, having just realized that Remus was both soaked and freezing, grabbed him tightly by the arm and pulled him into the living room. He made him stand in front of the fire place and aimed his wand at it, instantly bringing forth a roaring fire.
Remus felt Sirius grab onto his coat from behind and allowed him to slip it off of his shoulders. He turned to face Sirius, who was doing his best not to look directly at him.
"Please, look at me," Remus whispered, his words broken by the tears he was fighting to hold back.
Sirius looked up and met Remus' eyes.
Remus was sitting on one of the bottom few steps at Grimmauld Place as the members of the Order filed outside and Disapparated away. They had just finished their first official meeting in the new headquarters. As the final person, Alastor Moody, made his way outside, Remus stood up and walked into the living room.
Sirius was standing in front of the fire place, staring mindlessly into the flames. As Remus stepped up beside him, he turned away and looked at the floor.
"Please, look at me," Remus whispered.
Sirius shook his head and folded his arms over his chest.
"Damn it, Sirius, don't act like that. We need to talk about this." Remus reached out and put his hand on Sirius' shoulder.
Sirius reached up and shoved the man's hand away, then turned to him. "Talk? I don't think there's anything to talk about. You've already made up your mind."
Remus let out a heavy breath. "I haven't even sa-"
"You don't have to say it, Remus. I'm not a fool; I can see it all over you," Sirius said in an angry whisper. "I could see it in your eyes the moment you stepped through that door this morning." He flung his hand manically towards the front door and moved over to the couch. He fell back onto it and crossed his arms again.
Remus covered his face with his hands and took several deep breaths. He dropped his hands and turned towards Sirius. "I just...can't do this. Not again. What we had before was..." He trailed off and let out a ragged breath, fighting with his body, swearing not to cry.
"In the past? Over? Foolish?" Sirius offered possibilities to ending Remus' sentence.
"I was going to say perfect," Remus shouted at Sirius. "You stop that! Stop sitting there, pouting like a damn child, belittling our -"
"Past!" Sirius shouted as he jumped up off of the couch and rounded on Remus. "You want me to stop belittling our past? That's all it is to you, isn't it? Our past. You don't look at me and see the same man that you once did."
"Oh, and you do? You're honestly going to stand there and say that you see me the same way." Remus tried to turn away, but Sirius grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to stay face-to-face.
"Yes, you idiot, I do," Sirius said, his voice dripping with anger and hurt. "You think that all these years have made me forget how I feel? Fourteen years might have changed what you see in the mirror, but this," he reached up and ran his fingers through Remus' greying hair, "and these," he traced his fingertips over one of the scars stretching across Remus' face, "they mean nothing to me. Every time I look at you..." He trailed off with a deep breath. "Every time that I look at you, I see the same person that I fell in love with when we were thirteen. You may look in the mirror and hate what you see, but damn it, Remus, I love what I see when I look at you."
Remus pulled out of Sirius' grasp and walked towards the front door, his eyes stinging. Sirius ran up behind him as he reached for the knob, and shoved him away from it.
"Don't you walk away from me," Sirius cried out. "Didn't you hear a word of that?"
"I heard it fine. That doesn't change anything. I can't do it again. I won't go through it again." Remus met Sirius' eyes, persistence flashing in his own.
"Won't go through what again? Being with me? Loving me?"
"Losing you!" Remus shouted. He tightened his jaw and shook his head. "Do you have any idea what I went through," the tears finally broke free, "when I heard what happened? You think that you were the only one sitting in a prison? You weren't! I was locked away, too. Locked up here." He roughly jammed his finger into the side of his own head, indicating that he meant his mind. "I almost died."
"Moo-"
"Twice! Do you understand me? I'm not being dramatic or talking in metaphors. I mean that my life almost ended. Literally. I laid in my bed for three days, not moving, not really sleeping, nothing. Three days before someone even bothered to come by and check on me!" Remus was sobbing so hard that he almost couldn't speak. "Dumbledore had to break into my house. He had to force me to St. Mungos. Not that it was hard, your body doesn't have much fight in it when you are dehydrated to the po-"
"Stop it!" Sirius shouted. He pressed his palms to his eyes and took a few steps back from Remus.
Remus reached for the door again, but Sirius grabbed his hand.
"You said twice," Sirius whispered.
Remus shook his head. "Don't ask," he whispered back. "You don't want to know."
Sirius looked up into his eyes, his entire body trembling. "I have to know."
Remus pulled his arm away from Sirius' grip and grabbed his shirt sleeve on his left arm. He pulled it up, revealing a long deep scar, similar to the others that graced his body, running up his entire arm. "This one isn't from my transformations," he whispered coldly.
Sirius stepped backwards away from Remus, his eyes wide with horror, and hit the bottom step with his feet, causing him to fall back and sit on the staircase. Remus wrenched the door open and slammed it closed behind him.
guess I'd rather hurt
than feel nothing at all
Sirius stared up into Remus' eyes, wishing that he could do something, anything, to take the pain away. Noticing that he was still shivering, Sirius pointed his wand at Remus, who instinctively tried to move away from it. As Remus ducked to the side his shoe caught the ground wrong, causing him to crumple down into the floor. Remus let out a pained groan as he hit the ground and looked up at Sirius, who was laughing hysterically.
"I was just gonna dry you off, Moony," Sirius said, dropping onto his knees in front of Remus.
"Can't help it. Someone points their wand at you, you move. Basic stuff," Remus said, laughing at himself. He didn't even bother trying to get up, he simply scooted himself closer to the fire and sat with his legs extended in front of him.
Sirius moved in front of Remus and raised his wand with a huge smile on his face. "I'm drying you off," he said slowly, emphasizing each word.
Remus rolled his eyes and smiled as he felt the hot air rush over him, drying his clothes.
"Why are you wet anyways? Forget how to use your wand?" Sirius asked. "Really though, why did you decide to freeze your butt off walking over here?" He smiled again and sat back on his feet.
"I needed to see that," Remus answered, staring at Sirius with a glazed look across his face.
"See what?"
"Your smile," Remus whispered. He reached up and ran his fingers through Sirius' hair.
Sirius closed his eyes, his breath hitching in his throat, as he felt Remus' hand. He gave him a pained look and leaned forward, desperate for their lips to meet. He stopped again, the smell of alcohol reminding him that Remus was drunk, and pulled away.
"Sirius, don't pull away. I'm so sorry. I...I just...I need you," Remus whispered, reaching out for Sirius.
it's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
and I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
and I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Sirius nodded and climbed to his feet. He looked down at Remus and held up his hand. "Wait, I'll be right back. Stay there." He turned to dash from the room and into the kitchen. He fumbled through one of the cabinets until his hand closed over a potion bottle. A smile crossed his face as he headed back into the living room. He dropped back into his spot in front of Remus and pressed the bottle into his hand. "Drink it."
"What is it?" Remus asked, eying the bottle.
"It's gonna sober you up. In about fifteen minutes, if you repeat what you just said, then I'll believe it." Sirius gave him a stern look and nodded towards the bottle.
Remus uncorked the bottle and put it to his lips. The taste was retched and he almost gagged on it, but surprisingly it had a nice after taste of strawberries. He smiled as he handed the empty bottle back to Sirius. He turned to face the fire and watched as the flames danced about, casting flickering shadows onto the floor before them.
The two men sat in silence for half an hour, both watching the fire, unmoving. Sirius finally turned to Remus and put his hand on his shoulder. He brushed his hand down the man's arm and scooted closer to him.
"You should go home, you'll be alright to Apparate now," Sirius whispered.
"I'm not leaving, Padfoot." Remus turned to face Sirius and slipped his hand behind his neck. "I meant what I said. I need you. I need you now, I need you tomorrow, I need you. I was a complete fool. I thought that things would be easier if we just didn't have this, but I was wrong. This," he pulled Sirius closer to him, "is the only thing that even makes sense to me."
"You won't take it back tomorrow?" Sirius asked.
"I won't take it back ever. I swear to you. I love you more than anything and I can't stand being away from you any longer. I'm empty without you." Remus locked his eyes with Sirius and mentally pleaded for the man to believe him.
"Damn it, Moony, I've missed you so much!" Sirius leaned forward and pressed his lips hard against Remus', letting out the pain of having not been there for fourteen years.
Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, pulling him against his body, tightly. Sirius pulled them both to stand and broke out of the kiss. He stared up at Remus and smiled lovingly. He trailed his hand over the man's arm and down to take his hand in his own. He locked their fingers and pulled Remus towards the staircase.
I just need you now
They climbed the stairs quietly and Sirius pushed open the door to his bedroom. He pulled Remus inside the room, the smile refusing to leave his face. Remus stepped inside and brought his lips back down onto Sirius' as he kicked the door closed behind them.
oh, baby I need you now