PART ONE
Nothing's real until you let go completely
…
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
- "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson
"Okay, well, I'm off." Her hand brushes against the doorknob.
"Is it something that talking to your dad won't help?"
She turns back, surprised, smiling reassuringly. "Why do you ask?" Her father looks at her, and she laughs, feeling hollow. "Really, I just didn't want to eat this morning." He's still looking at her. "That's all."
"After your mother's funeral, it took some time before you were able to eat breakfast again too, right?"
Her smile fades. He rises and come to hold her, saying more words in a comforting tone, and she was surrounded by his faded shirt and the smell of safety. It did nothing for the chasm in her chest.
"Haruhi?"
She pauses in her anguish to look up from the ground in front of her, and meets two identical pairs of eyes. They look back and see a girl in a dirty white dress with messy hair. When last they saw her, she was crying out and racing away. She was a girl ferocious. Now she is a girl forlorn.
Kaoru's eyes widen with understanding and Hikaru furrows his brow. "Where's…" His brother puts his hand on his shoulder and he says nothing else. She looks back to the ground and keeps walking.
"Hey, wait up!"
"I can't believe you lost the carriage," Hikaru complains loudly. "How do you lose a carriage? And now we have to walk the whole way back?"
"Hikaru," Kaoru says shortly.
"There were horses on that carriage," he goes on. "Who's gonna feed the horses? Huh? Tell me-"
"I'm sure the horses will be fine," Hikaru.
Haruhi hitches up her dress and walks faster.
Six people sat in a room, and ignored one of the empty chairs. Haruhi was on her knees rubbing dirt off her face.
I wasn't quick enough. Why wasn't I fast enough? Why wasn't I faster? Why couldn't I catch him? Why couldn't I- Why didn't I- How could-
"Haruhi," Kyoya says, moving towards the window. "That'll be enough."
She looks up with cracks in her eyes, and he turns away. There is silence.
"So…" Honey starts. "What does that mean-"
"It doesn't mean anything," Kyoya snaps. "We can't offer the princely package anymore, that's all there is to it."
"But-"
"He's right," Haruhi said, standing up. "That's… all there is to it, really."
Honey turns to her with wide eyes.
"We don't need Tamaki," she said firmly, then looked down at herself. "Where's my change of clothes?"
Haruhi doesn't do anything anymore. She works to stay at Ouran. She works to stay a host. She does this because she likes Ouran, and likes being a host. She isn't quite sure why. She can't even remember what liking something is supposed to feel like. But she says she does, so she must like it.
Breakfast isn't really important, not if you aren't hungry. She eats lunch and dinner because she knows she needs at least two meals, but she doesn't want her breakfast. She just doesn't.
She doesn't understand things. Why people around her find joy in the simplest things. Why a trip to the supermarket is fun or why saving cash is great. She tells herself it's because all these dumb rich folk have rubbed off on her. She is wrong.
There are some things she doesn't like to think about, like the fast-approaching end of the school year, like graduation. She doesn't want the rest of the club to graduate, to be left in the dust with Hikaru and Kaoru. She wants to play house a little while longer.
The fair was a resounding success. The club has more guests than ever before. Hikaru looks at her with sparkling eyes and says, "Hey, boss, what should we do with this leftover tea?"
"Just pour it out."
One day, to dramatic announcements and oohs from a crowd, the twins jump up on top of a table and announce to their guests that a long-awaited day has, finally, arrived. A crowd is gathered around one of the couches and Mori takes Haruhi by the shoulders, steers her over, and sits her down.
"Does someone want to tell me what's going on?!"
"Ladies and gentleman!" Hikaru cries out. "Our honored boss will now do what he has never done before! That's right! Haruhi Fujioka… is going to eat some tuna!"
Oh, for hell's sake…
"It has been specially prepared by some of the finest chefs in the world!" he shouts, still standing on a table.
"Get off that table," Haruhi says. "You're going to fall over."
"What? No way! It is fresh and chilled! It is delicious! And now, for the first time in your life, he is going to eat it! Honey! Go get the tuna!"
A girl raises her hand. "So… Haruhi's never had tuna before?"
Kaoru shakes his head. "Not the fancy kinda, no. He eats commoner tuna."
"Fun fact," Hikaru calls out. "Haruhi first joined this club because he owed us roughly… some money. How much was it, Kyoya?"
"Eight million yen, I believe."
"Hikaru, I don't want your tun-"
"Eight million yen! Obviously, since he's a commoner, he couldn't pay. For awhile he was really fed up with everything and actually thought about quitting and working their debt off some other way, so we had to bribe Haruhi with fancy tuna to keep working!"
"And now Haru-chan's the best host ever!" Honey marches over with a plate of tuna, sliced and arranged in a flower-like pattern. "Right, Haru-chan?"
"Look, guys-"
"And now that he won't quit, we can give him his tuna! Kaoru! A drumroll!"
"Guys, I'm not actually hungry!"
Honey offers Haruhi a fork. "Here, Haru-chan!"
"Okay, okay, fine." She snatches the fork from him and spears a bite of tuna, then swallows it without even chewing.
"Nonono," Hikaru turns to look at her. "You're supposed to savor it."
"Fine!" She takes another bite and chews, slowly and deliberately. "There, see? I'm savoring it."
"And?"
Haruhi paused, and swallowed "... And it tastes it's tuna."
He stares at her.
"I don't really see what the big deal is."
"I think Haruhi's in a bad mood today," one of the guests whispers.
"I think you're right."
"He's been really bitter lately."
She forces a smile onto her face. "It's not half bad, but it seems like regular tuna to me. I guess I just don't see what all the fuss was about."
After the business day has ended, Haruhi is packing her bags, when a voice interrupts her.
"Haruhi."
She blinks, taking a little too long to realize she's been spoken to. Then she grins and looks up.
"Oh, hey, Kyoya. I didn't see you there."
He stands with his hands on the back of a chair, without expression. The sunset shines in through the window and bounces off of his glasses, straight into Haruhi's eyes.
"I hope you don't take us for fools."
"Huh?"
He looks at her and she can't see his eyes, or what he's thinking.
"I… don't understand, senpai."
She can't tell if he's looking at her.
"You once salivated at the very mention of tuna. Only an idiot could fail to notice the obvious change you've gone through."
"I just have different priorities," she says, rolling her eyes and shoving a textbook in her bag. "Besides, it tasted like normal, everyday tuna. There was nothing special about it!"
"But there was, Haruhi. I've tried your commoner's tuna. There's a clear difference. You failing to taste it is just another example of your change."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I spoke with your father recently. He says you aren't eating breakfast."
"Breakfast is overrated."
"Hmph. If you say so. Well, remember to lock up."
"Yeah."
"And do take care of yourself, Haruhi."
"I really thought it would work," Hikaru shakes his head, his hair falling into his face.
"Me too," Kaoru comforts him, a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't feel bad, Hika-chan." Honey looks up with endearing eyes. "We all wanted Haruhi to feel better."
Haruhi never realizes anything is wrong. One day she suddenly thinks of Tamaki, and it's like her world has collapsed. She wonders if this is what a heart attack feels like, and if she is having one. She does not understand what is occurring. He slides into her head and it's like heartburn, but a thousand times worse. She hates herself for thinking of him, and hates that she hates herself for that. And most of all she hates the aching inside of her. It's always there, never gone, its dulls and sharpens, and it consumes her.
Until one day it doesn't.
She doesn't notice until even more time has passed, and he slips back into her thoughts, and that's when she realizes, she's eating her breakfast again, she isn't thinking about him, and she sits for a good hour remembering the look on his face when they played hide and seek, and it's like the bottom of her stomach has fallen out. It is that night it occurs to Haruhi that she isn't thinking about him.
And then she hates herself for not thinking about him. She hates herself for the way she's forgotten to miss him, for the way she's moved on. Until she stops.
It's wretched that she can say she missed him, past tense, and it's wretched that she can feel relief at moving on. Wretched, wretched, wretched.
Fancy tuna is the best thing in the world.
"How do you feel, Haruhi?"
"I feel fine."
A/N: In case it isn't clear, the general idea is Haruhi didn't make it to the bridge in time to stop Tamaki and he is no longer in Japan. I feel like "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson is a nice companion to this. There will be a few more chapters (hopefully), and I hope you enjoyed!