--Chapter One: Down the Rabbit Hole--

"We're going on a picnic!" Haruhi exclaimed with sparkling eyes, which of course meant she was up to no good. "There's an abandoned park near my house, it's all lush and green and right next to an awesome forest, perfect for a nice lunch!"

Why is it abandoned? Wait, actually, don't answer that. I probably don't want to know anyway.

Haruhi's eyes began drilling into my skull, the twinkles being replaced, just for me, with a look of flat boredom. "Have something to add, Kyon?"

I had learned from experience that you couldn't disagree on anything Haruhi said. Ever. Sure you could argue with her, but 99% of the time she'd simply ignore you. So it was best if I just left it at that. Besides, it was a nice and serene suggestion (an excellent change from her usual outlandish ideas if I must say), a picnic in a quiet park… how bad could it be?

…How come whenever I say that something bad always happens?

Koizumi had his same smile plastered on his face. "That sounds like a fine idea. What time are we going to meet there?" the esper-boy-wonder asked.

"This Saturday, ten o'clock sharp!" the brunette answered, mouth twisting up in a smirk. "And anybody late will receive a penalty!" She sent a quick glance my way as if to say, That means you.

The beautiful Asahina-san raised her hand delicately; face shy and cute as she spoke. "Will we have to bring anything?" she questioned in her soft, angelic voice. Ah, Asahina-san, I could swoon….

Haruhi giggled maliciously, running around the desks of the clubroom to practically tackle Asahina. "No need, Mikuru-chan!" she said, her face close to the whimpering Asahina-san as she wrapped her arms around her shoulders. "I have everything taken care of! Thank you for worrying, unlike other members of the Brigade."

She sent another heated glare in my direction.

"Now, everybody better show up tomorrow! You'll all make it!" It was an order – Haruhi never bothered asking whether we could attend things or not.

Koizumi chuckled softly, shrugging his shoulders. "I believe I have time. I can always make room for Her Highness, of course."

Stop sucking up already. It's getting on my nerves.

After being released from Haruhi's perverted grasp, Asahina-san nodded her head and smiled. "I'll come, I promise."

Nagato sat in her corner and continued reading her book, just nodding once. Typical Nagato.

Haruhi looked pleased – smiling wildly as she grabbed her backpack and began to head for the door. "Alright! See you guys there! Don't be late!"

As the door slammed shut behind her, I found myself wondering clichéd things such as "What could possibly go wrong?" and "Nothing will happen – it's just a simple outing."

Oh the irony.

And that's how I found myself at the edge of the woods setting up a checkered blanket and laying out several sandwiches pondering what Haruhi was up to.

---

"Okay, Haruhi, what are you up to?" I asked as the girl picked up her sandwich and began stuffing it down her throat.

She swallowed hastily and rolled her eyes. "Just because I want to do something quiet once in a while doesn't mean it's the end of the world, Kyon."

Who are you and what have you done with Haruhi Suzumiya?

Asahina-san, Nagato, and Koizumi were all there as well. We were sitting in a makeshift circle, Nagato to my left and Koizumi to my right with Haruhi and the gentle Asahina across from us. Nagato had swallowed her sandwich in one bite (that girl can eat, man), while the other two had just started eating.

Haruhi, deciding she didn't want to humor me anymore, leaned backwards and looked off into the forest. "It's perfect, isn't it?" she asked distantly, smilingly softly.

It is too perfect. What's going on here? It's like one of my slowly-getting-repetitive dreams: Haruhi actually cooling down for once and all of the Brigade members happily getting along.

Suddenly, the dark-eyed girl snapped her head to the side and stood up immediately. "What was that?! Did you see it?!"

All of us looked up at her, confused. Her eyes were big and her fists were clenched with excitement. "I just saw something disappear into the forest! This park is abandoned – maybe it's monster or a wanted criminal!"

I predicted it alright. And is it really wise to chase after something we don't know? Knowing you it probably is a monster or something. Or it could also just be a woodland creature like a squirrel or rabbit; it doesn't always have to be—.

Haruhi grabbed Asahina-san by the collar of her shirt and dragged her up. "C'mon! I'm not waiting for any of you! I'm following it!" Dragging the wailing Asahina behind her, Haruhi took off at a dead sprint into the forest.

It was only natural that I stood up as well, and the other two followed my example. I glanced at their faces for a second – Nagato was emotionless, as always, but Koizumi's normally smiley expression had a hint of worry on it.

So the three of us followed the daring duo into the woods, pretty much tripping over tree trunks every five seconds. God, I didn't even know forests like this existed anymore.

"Stop!" I nearly ran into Haruhi's outstretched hand. She was pointing to a large hole in the ground, where for only an instant I saw something white disappear into it. "It's a monster! I'm sure of it!" Her breaths were now small and rapidly growing more excited.

Crap.

Koizumi was brave enough to wander around Haruhi and peer into the hole. "It looks a bit big for any creature I know of," he said, seemingly interested, "so there is a possibility it could belong to a monster. Perhaps a Japanese Bigfoot? Though I don't believe those live in burrows."

Haruhi let go of Asahina-san to look into the thing herself. "It's so big I bet one of us could climb down into it…!" she whispered eagerly.

Oh no, please don't suggest that. You're actually going to be serious. What if it's deeper than it looks? We'll be climbing down for ages….

"Not us," Haruhi said, smirking devilishly. "You."

What?!

"Feel obligated – you get the privilege of being the first member of the SOS Brigade to head deep down into the unknown! We should have one of the lower members go first so they can break our fall if one of us accidentally lets go." She had her hands on her hips and was standing triumphantly.

I was wearing a look of disgust on my face. "Are you insane, Haruhi?! I'm not going down there!" Who in there right mind would, anyway? Oh wait, that's right, you would.

"Stop being stubborn." Oh, you're one to talk. "Well, you look like you're not going down it freely." She rolled her eyes. "Guess I'll just have to make you then."

Like a lioness pouncing on her prey, Haruhi grabbed the collar of my shirt and started dragging me forward.

Whoa whoa whoa! What the hell are you doing?!

I tried to struggle out of her grasp, but she was too quick and smart for me. She spun me around, and with a simple push, she released me to stumble backwards.

Right into the hole.

I tried to catch myself, but I couldn't – Haruhi's push was too forceful. I fell backwards with my arms outstretched, freefalling into oblivion.

The hole was much deeper than I imagined.

And the last logical thing I could remember before I plunged into complete darkness were three shocked faces staring down at me and one emotionless one.

A/N: Yup, it's another Alice in Wonderland parody. I'm sure there's many of you facepalming right about now.

I know my first person Kyon sucks. xD But, I dunno, I think this story in paticular would flow better that way. So, as you can see, I'm writing with Japanese honorifics. Everybody seems to except for me and I feel sort of left out... so, why not.

My original first chapter was like, 5,000 words or something crazy like that, so I shortened it dramatically to fit the Haruhi novel style (I've just read the first three online so don't expect any Anti-SOS Brigade characters). So some characters (like Mikuru) feel left out, I know. This also has not been beta'd, so there's probably a few typos and grammar issues here and there.

Hope you enjoy!