Hold me, tight
Nathanial Archibald had, what some would call, a perfect life. He had a steady job, a beautiful wife, a big house. At this very moment, he was on his way to another day on the job; his usual cup of coffee in his hand as he walked down the block. He was about to enter his building when he felt the vibration of his cell phone. Pausing only to flip his phone open, he made to continue the remaining steps to the door. Listening to the voice on the other end, his movements ceased. The arm that was reaching for the door stopped in mid-air.
Now, as he raced to the airport, he realized he had forgotten to call his work. Fuck it he thought. This was much, much more important. All he could think of was getting to the Manhattan hospital, fast.
A private jet and $68 taxi fare later, he had finally arrived. His hand moved to the doorknob, turning it without his mind's consent. Mentally, he wasn't ready for it yet.
The door swung open and all eyes in the room turned towards him. But he didn't see them, or care for that matter. His eyes only saw one thing. Her body. She was lying in a bed, wires and machines hooked up to her frail, weak body. He compared what he saw now to the image that he kept of her in his own mind from the years they were missing from each other's lives. The long, golden loose curls. Her vibrant smile..the way her hips rocked back and forth when she walked. And now, as he looked at her new, reduced form…he knew he would never see that walk again.
The pale, sickly look of her skin matched the limpness of her hair. Her eyes were closed. However, with the sudden silence from his abrupt arrival, her eyes flickered open; the mere action looking like it took an immense amount of effort. The blue eyes flicked around the room in confusion until she followed the gazes of the other occupants. Blue met green and his heart skipped a beat. Three years since their eyes had seen each other. And now...they lacked that light...that fire and passion they used to exhibit. They were the sole reasons he was never able to look away from her… why he had been so captivated with her. The figures around him began to move but his eyes didn't. Her brother put a hand on his shoulder for a moment before passing on and through the door he had left open. Her mother gave him a half-hug that he didn't respond to.
The remaining figure in the room was the only one who hadn't stared at him when he came in. She took steps towards the bed, pulling the delicate figure in for a hug. Whispered words were exchanged but he didn't hear them. He didn't want to hear them...a goodbye between two lifelong friends. Two friends that could withstand anything. Any disagreement, any boy...even him. He watched the two and when Blair left he could feel the glare of her gaze as she stalked past him.
The door was closed behind her. "And then there were two," came her voice. It was hoarse and weak.
Her voice was the only part of her he had known over the three years. One of them would get weak..call the other late at night when his wife wouldn't hear. Just to hear the other's voice..to hear the other breathing.
"Come sit down." She gave him a feeble smile.
He found himself in the chair that was set up next to her bed, the one Blair had occupied moments earlier. He fumbled with his hands to distract himself from looking up at her. The steady beeping of the machine she was hooked up to filled the silence.
"It gets on my nerves- the noise," she attempted to laugh, but it came out as a cough that launched into a fit.
His eyes rose in concern and he bit his lip at the noise of her suffering. Taking a raged breath, her mouth tried to form a smile but it came out as more of a grimace.
"I'm okay," she whispered.
Shaking his head, "No you're not."
"Don't do this...just...don't think about it...please? For me?"
Although he knew he couldn't, he nodded his head in a silent agreement.
"I'm glad you came. I was worried you weren't going to… I didn't know if you cared to…well to come." She shifted in the bed, her face constricted in pain.
A whimper reached his ears and he automatically reached out for her hand. It was just skin and bones...he was surprised at how tiny her hand felt inside his. And she was cold. Frighteningly cold. But he felt a strong squeeze...her reassurance.
"I didn't...want to go...without talking...to you," she continued so much slower. "I don't want regrets."
He swallowed. No regrets. Did that include with him too?
"And yes...that does include you," she continued quietly, her voice growing softer. "So don't even bother asking."
"Meaning...you regret me in general? Or choosing your friendship with Blair over a relationship with me?"
It was three years ago to that very day when their relationship had ended. He had put it all on the line. And when she chose Blair, it broke him. Not just his heart, but all of him.
A few weeks later, he moved away to San Francisco. He didn't really care where he went. He just had to get out of Manhattan.
"Why did you leave?" Her breathing had become shallower...it looked like it was a struggle to take in every breath. "It was hard after you left..cause you were always there for me...before. I needed you..especially last year...when they told me I had cancer. You were always there for me...and suddenly..you were gone."
"I couldn't...I couldn't be around you everyday if I couldn't be with you."
In all their phone calls and messages they had never talked about this. It hurt both of them too much.
He could see tears starting to form in Serena's eyes but she blinked them away quickly. Yet, she did not speak.
"You still haven't answered me...what do you regret? Choosing Blair...or?"
She shook her head, but grimaced in pain and immediately stopped. "No..then I would've lost Blair. And I couldn't have done that."
"So you are okay with giving me up?" he asked, the pain evident in his strained tone.
"I don't regret it..."
Nate let go of her hand and went to rise from his seat. "Then what the hell am I doing here..if you could obviously care less about me?"
"No..Natie," The use of her childhood nickname for him made him pause. "Let me finish. I regret..that we couldn't find a way to make us work. You and me...without hurting Blair. I regret that you left me..that you didn't think I was worth the effort of trying to figure something out..that you didn't think I was worth waiting for. That you left without trying..without fighting for me." Serena's chest was rising and falling heavily...her fists balled up in pain.
"Serena I wasn't going to fight for you. You chose Blair and I respected that decision and got out of the way. Do you think you two would still be the best of friends if I had hung around?"
Serena's eyes drifted closed. Nate panicked. "Serena..?"
They fluttered back open. "It hurts..all of it hurts."
And just like that his hand was back with hers. He stood over her in the bed…the closest he had been to her in too many years. Instead of heavy, her breathing had become shallow. He could hear her raspy breaths. Nate swallowed.
Serena's tired eyes had filled with tears. "I'm sorry..I am. If I could do it again...I know that Blair and I could've worked things out..." She was struggling to breathe. Nate tried to shush her but shaking her head, she continued. "I would have picked you...cause I've realized..that I can't live without you...ironic, huh? I tell you that..and I'm about to die..." she tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a strangled sob. "I guess I really can't live without you."
"But I'm here now...so..please..just fight it for me. Stay alive for me..." He pleaded with her, tears threatening his own eyes. "Please."
Her eyes drifted shut again and she struggled to reopen them. He gripped her hand even tighter. "...sorry.." she muttered and Nate closed his eyes, tears dripping. "I wish…could go back…change it all…be with you…there's nothing I want more. Blair…she..don't want to lose her…but she's not you.."
Nate thought of his wife back in San Francisco. His wife of only a year. Of course he loved her..but there would always be a part of his heart that she could never touch. That he had never, and could never give to her. And that part..well, it was meant for Serena. She had held it from the very first moment they met. She would always be there. She was a part of him, of his very being. And he had lived with that everyday since he had left Manhattan.
And now, here she was. Saying everything that he had wanted her to say to him three years ago. Saying exactly what he wanted himself. But it was too late and what was left of his heart, broke all over again..just like it had done three years ago.
"I never wanted to die hooked up to all these machines..and wires..." her weak voice broke into his thoughts..in almost a whisper. Her eyes were shut now.
"Do you want me to…unattach you?" Nate asked slowly. "But then won't you..you won't be getting any oxygen..or anything anymore..."
"I know."
Nate's eyes blinked out a few more tears as he moved to pull the wires off her skin. The beeping line went silent. The oxygen and medicine was removed. She looked more peaceful.
"Come lay with me..please...just lay with me...forget everything else..."
He wiped the tears off his face and climbed into bed with her. Her eyes opened with a degree of difficulty as he put his arms around her and she looked up into his currently dark green eyes. Just for a moment, with their eyes connecting…Nate saw the light that used to emanate from her beautiful, radiant eyes. The light she kept only for him.
But her eyes closed and she laid her head back down onto him. Nate kissed her forehead, tightening his grip on her as her breathing got weaker and weaker.
"Nate..." came a whisper. "I love you."
He didn't even have to think about his response. He knew what he felt in his heart. "I love you too..always have,-"
"-always will," she finished. "I'll always be there...in your heart." And slowly, she placed a hand on his chest for emphasis. Over his beating heart. His pace quickened with her touch as hers slowed.
"Someday, we will." Nate whispered into her ear. Someday, when there was a world without best friends or loyalty. A world when she doesn't say no and he doesn't run away. A world where they can just be.
Then she went... in Nate's arms, where she'd belonged all along. Someday, they will...