I do not own Hetalia.

Warning: dark themes up ahead.

Home,

But Not Really

Alfred didn't know what he was expecting when he came home for the holidays. Maybe his mother would present him with an assortment of flowers from her obsessive botany collection, his father would ruffle his hair endearingly, and his twin brother would give him a grin. Billy and Sarah, the local newscasters of their small, small town would wish everyone a Merry Christmas over the fluctuation airwaves. The house would smell of baked bread and the snow would drift lazily outside. It would be a happy, uneventful time to rest.

Alfred received none of that.

When he came home, tapping on the door and holding his suitcase behind him, the door swung open. His mother beamed, her cheeks winter pink. Alfred smiled and embraced her with one arm. He awaited the greeting or the "I miss you".

Instead, his mother pecked his cheek and whispered excitedly "I found the girl just for you!"

Alfred's grin faded. "You did?"

She led him in, turning away. She had permed her bleached hair so it looked like several deep-fried curls against a dust-coloured head. She had gained some weight as well. Alfred followed her, listening to what she said.

"Look at you, already getting on in years and you still haven't even found a single girl! I thought you were crazy. Then, you went off to college and got busy. I'm sure you're settled now. I kept thinking, why weren't you settling? And I found the answer!"

Her hazel eyes flicked towards him.

"What would that be?" Alfred asked weakly, stopping by his old room. His mother held his winter coat and blue silk scarf. That should have been an obvious clue. He was interested in what she had to say. Had she found out? If she did, no way would she have been this cheerful.

She took a deep breath. "You're shy! You silly boy, thought your ma didn't know? I did, and now I've found you a nice girl. And she's foreign. You'll meet her tomorrow. I know, you can barely wait. For now just settle in, sweetheart, and come down for dinner." She prattled on, walking away from him and down the long hallway.

"Oh, ma…" he said under his breath.

For the past three years he had been fully employed as an actuary for various companies. It was dull at times, but he liked numbers. They were straightforward puzzles with no double meanings or secrets stored away in the folds of their essences. The work also let him tear away from the crushing fact that he had never kissed, let alone dated, another person.

He wanted to venture to bars and clubs whenever the pain of loneliness grew too great for him to bear. But he had to leave each time he came close because the pressing fact that the person he would spend the night with he may never see again.

The fact was, he didn't know what to do. Now he was settled. Just as his mother said, he couldn't be alone for much longer. It was time to find a partner. At that Alfred should have rejoiced, thrown a party, and bent to his knees to await the glimmering chance that a wonderful woman would become his bride.

He didn't want that, however.

Alfred slumped down on his bed. He lay down, looking up at a blown-up poster of his favourite actor. His chiseled jaw and honey-coloured eyes pointed slightly away from the camera. His hair was swept back in a permanent breeze. Alfred remembered staying awake at night, looking up, and wanting to kiss those pastel lips.

He wanted to marry a man, not a woman. It was who he was, how he was born, and no one but a few close friends knew. He felt as though he was living in a cell the consistently grew smaller and smaller, until it would eventually suffocate him. He had to tell his parents. Not that it would end well.

"Alfred, dear." His mother called.

Alfred sat up on his bed and moved sluggishly towards her.

She looked away from his dismayed, tortured expression as if she didn't see it. Or maybe she didn't want to see it. She prattled again about what a gorgeous pick she had made. How happy Alfred could be. What an adorable couple the two would make. Alfred half-listened, nodding when he needed to and omitting any comments.

His brother, who happened to share Alfred's attraction as twins were bound to, gave him a sympathetic smile. He rubbed the ring on his finger, rotating left than right. Their father next to him sat grinning.

"You'll be happily married just like your brother. Now, if only he could bring his fiancée home." Ma said. Ironically, Matthew hadn't proposed to anyone. He was proposed to, and madly in love. No one needed to know the details, however.

"I told you, she has her own family to go to." Matthew said softly. "She's not part of ours yet."

Alfred could see the pain clearly established across his face. He felt sorry and offered him a pat on the arm under the table. Matthew nodded discretely. He had changed since Alfred lost saw him a few months previous. His hair had been cut shorter so it no longer could be tied back. His glasses were no longer the ugly bottle-cap shape, but rather a delicate, golden wire. He dressed far more neatly as well.

Matthew shared a similar feeling when he passed glances at Alfred. Alfred had styled his hair, exposing how truly handsome his angular face was, along with its plumy lips and piercing blue eyes. Alfred twisted his lips constantly and bit them, portraying his nervousness like a beacon whirling in the middle of a stormy sea.

"Boys?" Matthew and Alfred turned towards their father.

The big man's grin had eloped again. His hard eyes concentrated on them. The wrinkles on his face became pronounced, as if he had to dig into the layers of time to uncover each thought. "I'm proud of you."

Before the boys could bow their heads in thanks at the uncovered emotion, which their father hid away with a grim glower, their mother broke in.

"Aren't we! Two normal boys."

Matthew and Alfred cringed inwardly.

She continued, "Did you hear about your cousin Martha?"

Matthew's cheeks flushed. Alfred shook his head innocently. Oh shit.

"Well, her mother, my blessed sister, found her with one of her close female friends. And they were…" She shut her eyes. "It pains me to think about it."

Their father remained silent. Alfred felt a rare spark of intense love for him.

"Well," Ma continued, "I'm just glad that she talked to her right away. Get rid of that unnatural problem, I say. What a sweet girl Martha was, too. She could sing pretty. But I knew the moment she started growing distant from her parents something was wrong. If only I knew how wrong, then I could have told your aunt. I'm sorry your mother was so ignorant."

Still is. Matthew mouthed to Alfred silently. Alfred choked back a giggle of panic and nervousness.

The thing with gay people, Alfred thought, was that no matter where the hell you went the prejudice and talk followed. He could be in a store when he spotted something mildly homo-romantic and then a crazy wave crashed on to the shore instantly. At school, at work, anywhere. Most eyes didn't turn to him, but those that did were scalding. It hurt.

News seemed to follow him like an ominous mist. Sitting with his family and watching television was now a risky game of who'll get insulted first? Talking about normal things brings it up. If they hated it so much, why did they keep talking about it?

Alfred felt Matthew pinch his forearm sharply.

"You ok, dear?" Ma asked.

Alfred looked into her concerned eyes. His cheeks felt hot. "Oh, yeah, I'm still warming up to the inside. I walked a little ways to get here." Even in a small town that excuse worked. Maybe even better because cars were a rarity.

"Then let's get you some nice warm tea and put you to bed. I'm sure you miss your old room. I haven't touched a thing." She ushered Alfred to go take a warm bath, chiding him all the way.

Within an hour, Alfred was sitting on his bed next to Matthew. Snow continued to twirl outside, dotting the windowpane and painting the rural scene outside like a fantasy. Matthew turned to Alfred.

Alfred smiled at him.

"How's it going?" Matthew's voice treaded by softly. No harsh tones.

"It's fine. I like my job."

"What about your social life?"

"I've got friends."

"No dates?"

Alfred shook his head, feeling embarrassed and left behind. Here was his brother, dating since ninth grade, a platinum gay (never touched a girl, never kissed one even), and now happily engaged to the second boyfriend he ever had. The ring was produced on a beach of all places.

"You're handsome, though." Matthew retorted. "I thought everyone would be all over you."

"No."

"Not even women?"

"Unless they're my friends, I don't really take care to notice."

"I'm surprised. The ugly one is getting married first."

"Ugly? Like hell you are."

He playfully punched Matthew's shoulder. Matthew laughed and hit him back. The mood shifted again. Matthew pulled it back down to the bottom of a deep sea Alfred never wanted to even test with his toes.

Matthew wrapped his arms around his knees. "What are you doing tomorrow, then?"

Alfred rolled it over in his mind, cracking his knuckles. "I think I'll just say I'm not interested and pretend I don't like her at all."

"That's the easy way. But what if you do like her?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if she's a nice, smart girl that would be a great friend?"

"Then I'll say I'll be friends with her. And I won't marry her or get involved. I guess that gives ma some unjust false hopes."

"Then she might all in love with you. What will you do then, break her heart?"

Alfred fell silent. He hated to hurt people. When he did, usually on accident, he never quite finished feeling horrible for it. He met Matthew's dark eyes.

"Then I'll reject her either way. Who knows, maybe she's a dyke and we can get along better." Alfred said.

They moved on from that topic. They caught up on each other, joked, laughed, and eventually grew too tired and warm to leave the room. Alfred tossed Matthew a pillow and they slept on the bed with a hero emblem printed on the front, the covers thrown haphazardly over the both of them. Matthew's long legs stuck out at one end, curling in the light chill. The house cackled in the frosty night, as if snoring too.

Alfred was home, but not really. Who he truly was was not welcome here. He had to pick up a guise at the front step and throw it on, so no one would suspect. So old hatreds wouldn't arise. So he could be safe.