Mending

And it was that small, tantalizing moment of forever and always that kept Tawni going through the bitter days of you're-not-perfect and I'm-better-than-you. So she tries to tell herself that he's not that bad and she almost convinces herself.

Almost.

(Not really.)

Because she's the good Catholic dating the bad boy and it's not going to work.

(But, goshdarnit, they'll make it work.)

And so when he said I'll be back later, he really meant I'm tired of you, I'm going back to my other girl. But she didn't notice how Chad doesn't kiss her the way he used to and so she thought he meant I'll be back later. I love you. You're the only one for me.

(And she'll keep living in her fairytales because she doesn't know how else to feel. He is her prince charming and she is the princess for once and it's just absolutely magical for her.)

But that's not how their song goes.

His song goes a little like 'Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em; you swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothin' to hurt 'em' and it's perfect for him because he's flighty like that and can't care less about who he hurts.

But her song goes like 'I know you, I danced with you once upon a dream' or some other fairytale-esque song because she's a hopeless romantic and she's become blinded by his smile to notice anything else.

And so when Chad kisses Tawni, she thinks that it means something when, in reality, it actually doesn't.

Three years, four months, two weeks, eight days, five hours, six minutes, fifty-five second ago, Tawni leaned in to kiss Chad and he pulled away and now she's worried because what kind of boyfriend pulls away from his girlfriend?

The kinds that have other girls in mind.

What kind of boyfriend has other girls in mind?

The kind that thinks his girlfriend is the lamest person ever. And that she's ugly.

(Even when she's not.)

But, of course, she didn't listen to anything anyone tells her. Because, in her mind, it's all about ChadChadChad and every part of her (especially her heart) is shouting ChadChadChad and she's thinking iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.

He's all that matters to her.

She's just another fly on his windshield of annoying. (And, soon, his windshield wipers will go swishswishswish and she'll be smeared all over his window, with her little heart brokenbrokenbroken. And will he care? Of course not, Chad doesn't do caring.)

So Tawni tries to pull herself together and makes herself perfect for him. Cue the heavy mascara.

Gaudy lipstick.

Trampy eyeliner.

Pathetic blush.

All fakefakefake and she's becoming a slutbitchwhore but she doesn't notice (or care) because Chad's starting to like her again and not someone who just maybe might be better than her.

And Tawni Town is fine. For now, at least.

Because she's thinking that everything will turn out perfect and that he was just a little too shy or nervous to kiss her the way she wanted, but she's deluding herself in her messed up version of reality and she doesn't notice that, whenever she screams kiss me he's becoming more and more distant. But it's alright. It's okay

February 14:

Valentines Day.

Single's Awareness Day.

Love Day.

(But not really.)

Chad Dylan Cooper thought it was appropriate to break a heart on this wonderful, love-filled day.

(Well, too bad for Tawni.)

February 17:

Dear Tawni,

Please don't quit So Random! We love having you here. When we called you a good for nothing diva… We're sorry! We were just letting off some steam, you know? I guess we all just got a little made but I promise it'll never ever happen ever again.

I know you're mad because those Mackenzie Dorks made fun of you, but I don't think you should care much. You're TAWNI HART, for crying out loud.

Anyway, we want you back. We all do. Zora, Nico, Grady, Marshall, and I. Please com back. It's not the same without you.

Love, Sonny

March 26:

The Church of Fidelity has received a new assistant. It was a shock to everyone. The media, the press, all those little girls- even to her.

Everyone talk about her as she passes the halls, whispering into each other's ears.

That's Tawni Hart.

And she can only smile at them, trying to ignore that pestering feeling in the back for her head, gnawing at her thoughts.

You're not Tawni Hart anymore. You haven't been for a long time.

And she's trying to persuade her otherwise because being Tawni Hart is all she's ever known, but it's getting harder now. The more she tries to convince herself that she's the same person she was two years ago, the more it starts hurting.

She's falling apart- she's been falling apart for ages now. But no one has ever realizes because underneath all those changes, she really is Tawni Hart and Tawni Hart is a damn good actor.

May 13:

"Tawni? Tawni Hart?"

"Yes. Yes, she's here. But she's not accepting any visitors."

James sighed impatiently. He started pacing back and forth, the nun's eyes on him. He pulls out his phone and sends a quick text to Sonny that, yes, he's found where she's at but no, they won't let him see her.

"This is important, Ms... uh... Nun. Lady. Person." She narrows her eyes and pursed her lips. "I... I'll take that as a maybe?"

"Young man, do you need to be asked to leave?"

He gulped. No, leaving would the be last thing he wants. "Ma'am, with all due respect, this is important. I love her. I do. I'll admit that I wasn't that great a boyfriend to her and that I could certainly have done much better." He paused for a breath, nervously watching the lady in front of him. "But Cooper did much worse to her and she's hurt but this just isn't the way to go. She needs to be with her friends. She needs to."

"And are you her friend?"

"Uhm... Well, yes."

She paused, thinking through her decision.

"Follow me."

I have no idea if this will be continued or not. I'll most likely just leave it as is. I was looking through my old documents and I found it. I'm pretty sure it's never been published, but I can't be sure so if it is, just tell me so I can delete this one. I've been gone from FF for a long while and I'm not fully back yet. This might be the last thing I ever send out. It might not be. Who know.

Well, goodbye I guess. If you ever need to contact me, my tumblr and formspring are on my profile, seeing as I'll most likely never be back here again. Thank you.