Eliza Schuyler was utterly helpless.
She just didn't know what to do.
She felt like her love life was a lie.
It wasn't that she didn't care about her girlfriend, Maria Lewis. She really, really liked Maria. She liked the way the other girl's hair fell into her face in a wavy curtain. She liked the way Maria laughed. She liked how seeing a text from the other girl in her notifications made her feel, all butterflies and small smiles.
She liked how, since they had been friends for so long, there was no need to hide any part of themselves from the other. She liked they could talk about anything.
Well, almost anything.
She couldn't talk about how it frustrated her that they both went to two completely different high schools. She couldn't talk about how Maria's ex-boyfriend-but-still-somehow-friend James Reynolds was a complete asshole to her all the time. Maria had finally found out when Theodosia texted her, exposing James Reynolds and all his assholery. Maria had chided Eliza for not coming to her, for suffering in silence. Eliza could only meekly reply that she hadn't wanted to ruin a friendship.
Despite that bump, they'd gotten past it.
Eliza was also frustrated at the amount of interest in her relationship. After three months, on their first, real date, they had gone to the movies...with Eliza's entire household in tow. That had been embarrassing. A little less embarrassing when Maria's family came along as well, perhaps.
Angelica and Peggy had at least apologized afterwards, but it hadn't lessened the sting.
Honestly, though, the whole thing felt like a joke at times. Nearly four months, and the two still hadn't done anything more than hold hands.
Once.
Standing behind a pillar at Maria's school's homecoming dance.
While Angelica and Peggy and Alexander and all his friends were off dancing.
Even then, it had only lasted two minutes, maybe three minutes at most.
It wasn't that Eliza wanted to move fast. She just...well...She felt alone, already, most of the time. All her friends, Maria, even her sisters, had gone to General Mercer High School. Eliza had followed her scholarly calling to enroll in the magnet program at Voltaire High School, where the only people she knew were Theodosia Prevost and Aaron Burr. Acquaintances, really. Eliza just missed her friends, missed receiving affection.
She wished Maria would hold her hand again, maybe even kiss her.
If there was anyone she wanted to be her first kiss, it was Maria Lewis.
She felt horrible and selfish for feeling this way, but she couldn't help it. She knew Maria was moving at her own pace, and that was perfectly fine.
She just wish she had more confirmation that the two of them were more than friends beside the label and kissy-face emojis.
She could only remember one time they had even come close to a kiss...
"'Liza, please?" Maria begged, holding aloft the film camera she was using for her photography class.
"No," Eliza said, covering her face with her hands. She knew her insecurity was stupid, but she hated the way she looked in pictures. She felt like every picture only emphasized the acne and disproportionate layout of her body.
Eliza's insecurity had reached an all-time low, which was probably why Maria had tossed this mini party together, complete with all her friends from Mercer.
Honestly, why Maria thought she was cute was completely alien to Eliza.
She could tell Maria was getting a little frustrated, genuinely thinking Eliza was beautiful and wanting to take a picture with no cooperation. Eliza felt bad,because she knew her girlfriend was only trying to help.
Theodosia pulled Maria to the side to talk, giving Eliza the chance to watch her friends socialize after an entire summer and third of a school year. It made her feel sad again, knowing soon they- she, just Eliza, everyone else would be fine- would have to go back to loneliness.
Maria came back, and sat down on the lawn chair beside Eliza. "'Liza," she said softly, "will you please let me take your picture?"
"Why would you want to take a picture of this ugly face?" Eliza joked, the only thing she could really do anymore.
"It's not an ugly face. It's your face, and it's a nice face, and I want to take a picture of you."
"Why?"
"Because I spend a lot of time in the darkroom developing these, and I'd really like to spend a time looking at you," Maria said quietly.
"That's a waste of film," Eliza tried to deflect.
"Would I want to take a picture of you this badly if I thought it was a waste?" Maria countered.
Eliza couldn't with a response so instead she shook her head slowly.
"Okay...please, Eliza?"
Reluctantly, Eliza locked eyes with her for a few moments, letting Maria lift the camera and focus the lens on her face. She tried to smile, hoping it came out looking Mona Lisa-esque.
The camera clicked, and Maria lowered the camera, smiling brilliantly. Eliza dropped her face to her hands, resting in her lap. So fast Eliza barely had time to blink, Maria pressed her lips to the side of Eliza's head. Eliza raised her head to look at Maria, who was only smiling.
"That's going to be a great picture," Maria whispered, before rising from her seat in the lawn chair, leaving Eliza to wonder what might have happened if she hadn't lowered her gaze.
Nothing like that ever happened again. No hand-holding, no kissing, just awkward hugs and kissy emojis.
It made Eliza want to cry.
If all the two of them ever did was pretend like nothing happened, what was the fucking point?
Maria was the one who had confessed first. Maria had opened the door leading to more than friends.
So why, if the two of them wanted to be more than friends, did they keep things platonic?
Eliza was willing to wait. She could wait for Maria to open up more.
She just didn't want to scare her away.
She didn't want to listen to the voice in her head, hissing about how it would never last, how it would be over before sophomore year, how Maria didn't really give a crap about her.
She just wanted to be happy.
She didn't like feeling helpless.
Review, please!
Review, please,