DISCLAIMER: We do not own Pandora Hearts. Uhm, k? (and we don't own Queer Eye For the Straight Guy either) Warning: This is a PARODY. We are afraid the characters may be rather OOC, and the humour is quite risqué. Also there is the whole stalking-romance-regardless-of-gender AKA gayness. Only read if you are extremely bored.
CHAPTER 1
I: Raven; Stalker in the Dark; He Who Goes Bump in the Night; Tall, Dark and Handsome; "Why Are You Following Me!?" settled back into the noisome, irritating flesh of the toadstool that Madd Hatter's Earthy Delights were famous for, the skin on my back and buttocks already beginning to tingle. Absently, my hands reached into my jacket pocket, one drawing out a thin stick of tobacco and the other a silver lighter, with the memorandum "To Gil, my dear brother" stencilled on one side. With a skill that had culminated from years of practise, I flicked the lighter open, lit my cigarette, and took a deep, satisfying pull of addictive nicotine, with only minor burns to my fingers. Suppressed the urge to do an internal happy dance at how cool I must of looked.
Instead, the entirety of my being focused on the figure who stomped sensually in her biker boots on the reinforced concrete teacup upturned in the centre of the room. The virile sturdiness of her padded lapels. The swish of her long hair as it flicked past, close enough to touch as she swung herself around the pole. The dull, dreamy brown of her eyes as she glowered darkly at me from beneath her fringe.
Averting my gaze for a moment, I watched the rhythmic movement of the lava lamps that were suspended from the ceiling. Twisting shapes dancing gracefully through the liquid, but I had to admit, it was never going to be as graceful as the young female before me. Drawing a breath of cigarette smoke that plumed into a cloud around me, I flicked my hair to the side and watched carefully in awe as the girl danced elegantly in front of me.
Her hair, yet again found itself nearly touched, I had to restrain myself though. Crossing my legs over I finished smoking and took a swig of the foul tasting black tea that was in front of me. Her legs, were so athletic you could see the muscles pulsing as she hung herself upside down. Her gaze still dark and mysterious, teasing me to the point that I could no longer stand it.
Upon finding myself standing, her facial expression changed to one of surprise, and she very nearly fell from the pole. Customers were not supposed to go near the clients. "Alice!" A sharp, stern voice called from behind an old, rustic looking bar which was cluttered with various teacups and spilt liquids. Alice.
"I am going to have to ask you to leave, sir, after paying," the bouncer nonchalantly lifted a hand to his lips and licked it (weirdo).
"Of course," I fumbled around with my pockets to find where my elusive wallet had gone. Maybe I should leave them extra, so they don't kick me out completely. I would never see my Alice again… "Sorry about that, I---"
The hired man stepped out of the shade. Damn, he was scrawny. And he dressed odd. And his stupid face reminded me of that annoying drug dealer who kept popping out of my dustbin and closet (no really, how did he get in there?!) demanding that I make tea for him. And he had a pair of cat ears on his head, no really, I mean--- CAT.
Once the adrenaline wore off, I found myself sprinting down a well-lit street of which I recognised completely nothing. My heart was still hammering away uncomfortably, and I slowed to a lope, before plonking myself down on a hard bench beneath the artificial yellow of a streetlight, waiting for my breath to come back. Needed a smoke. Patted down all my pockets and found my wallet instead of my lighter. Stared at it dazed. If I had my wallet, what had I thrown at that (shudder) cat-man?
Can't find my lighter. Have a slight suspicion that I know what I hurled full-force at the cat-man. May also explain why he isn't following me.
Scratching my lip absent minded, I stretched out on the bench, yawning slightly. Oh dear. What the hell was I gonna do now, I just had to see Alice- her name sounded so sweet to say to myself- again.
Hanging my head in my glove clad hands, I pondered over what to do. Could I risk going back to Madd Hatter's? Turning my head to the side, I opened one eye and found a red one staring back at me. Jumping up suddenly and roaring 'WHAT THE HELL' I noticed it was Break. Typical, always showing up out of nowhere. The guy really creeped me out. The shadow covered figure smiled at me, I could see his white teeth bared into a grin.
"Take all your clothes off, and make me some tea…..bitch," he said. That was it for me, turning on my heels I found myself sprinting down an alley flailing my arms around, then twisting down another alley, and yet again another leaving Break far behind me. Ugh, Why did these alleys have to all look the same to me? Upon searching for the main road, I found myself back near Madd Hatter's. This could be trouble, but Alice was in there.
Noticing a figure walking through a small room, I gasped. It was her! The small, elegant and graceful figure, still gliding through like a true dancer. Her hair was how I recognized her, so long and full of light reflecting agents. For a moment I was daydreaming, what it would be like to just hold her one day. Blinking myself back into a conscious state.. Oh no! The light had gone out! My sweet Alice was gone.
I could hear a faint click of a door, and some rustling noises. Upon a closer inspection- consisting of me crawling on all fours under a hedge, there she was. Standing so close, yet so far away to me. Hearing the faint thump of her boots on the cobblestones I held my breath. She couldn't know I was here. It would be a complete overload for her poor little pretty head, to know she had such a handsome, dark, and mysterious admirer.
Cocking my head to the side I followed her legs that were now gently touching the ground past my hiding place. Sighing gently I waited a few moments, before crawling out onto the street and brushing dead twigs and leaves off my brand new jacket. Peering around the street to make sure no one was watching, I began to follow the sound of her footsteps, as mine were almost silent. After all The Raven was light on his feet.
Tiptoeing down the path, I froze as her shadow passed me on my right. Phew, I relaxed as I noticed she was still walking, and hadn't noticed me. Well, yet. Pausing on a few corners, I watched her gracefully make her way through the streets. How beautiful she looked, words couldn't compare. Drooling slightly I once again snapped from my daydream.
Finally noticing her standstill a few streets later, she was unlocking what looked like her front door. My dear Alice had a lovely apartment, of course it was probably only afforded because of MY generosity.
Door opened. Alice went in. Door shut. Now what?
Oh-ho, that might be what the amateur stalker would think, but not Raven! Not resourceful, dashing, professional stalker Raven! With fluid ease I climbed the tree (everyone knows that the person being stalked has a handy tree outside their room) and perched on the highest bough. I withdrew my handy stalker binoculars and peered into the room.
It was a bathroom.
Wrong tree.
I snuck round the other side of the apartment. Found right tree.
Now this was more like it.
It was another bathroom.
$%*ing trees doing it wrong.
Had to resort to the amateur stalker technique of peering in through the first-floor windows. Found Alice in her living room watching TV, her perfect teeth ripping meat off a spare rib with ineffable delicacy. Spent five minutes in pure bliss, watching her lithe form, and I was only getting just the teeniest, every so slightly, barely there, bored, when another person entered the room. I bristled immediately with jealousy. Was it a roommate? Acquaintance? Lover? Soul-mate?
"Alice! You're back!" a joyful cry rang out and an angel ran to embrace Alice (he got promptly booted in the face).
Golden hair. Green eyes. A smile that shone so bright it eclipsed Alice. Within a few seconds, he had indeed, pretty much eclipsed Alice from my mind for the time being. Alice? Who was Alice?
"Shut up, I'm busy watching Queer Eye For The Straight Guy… Oz." P.S. Yes, we are accepting flames and critique. Goodness knows we're going to get a lot of the former.
This fanfiction was co-written by Tharah and Cat, alternately taking turns to do so. Further chapters (if there are any) will not necessarily be from Gilbert's POV (if you couldn't tell that was Gil, you're hopeless).