In Six Years
"Life is changing, isn't it?"
"Yes, but this never will."
- Girl Meets First Date
Seventh grade.
New boy with a ridiculous Southern twang, Ranger Rick who tips his imaginary cowboy hat in her direction in spite of everything she says. Riley, doe-eyed and innocent still, who thinks riding the subway together is a real first date. She has half a mom and nothing of her dad, except for his eyes on her face, but everybody claims she has potential. What she really has is a sketchbook, a best friend, and a feeling in her stomach that reminds her she is broken.
Eighth grade.
Riley likes Lucas and Lucas likes Riley but the two of them dance around each other as if they don't know. She's trying too hard to compensate now, because she likes it when Mr. Matthews treats her like a daughter; she loves hearing 'proud' and 'Maya' in the same sentence, words put together that she's never heard before. Josh is beautiful and too old for her. Her artwork is put on display in the school lobby, but none of her flesh and blood come to see it.
Ninth grade.
The whole world is new and she thinks, for a moment, that maybe she can escape her home one day. Her eyeliner starts out perfect but smudges almost instantly. Boys on the train start to look at her differently, but she doesn't mind as long as they keep their eyes off Riley, who is always busy trying to make Lucas see her. She helps him buy Riley the perfect birthday present, convinces him to ask her to the dance, covers for them when they get back four hours after Riley's curfew. Josh is still beautiful and still too old. She realizes with disappointment that she doesn't know how to be anyone but herself.
Tenth grade.
It isn't her first kiss but it's the best one; she wouldn't have expected anything less from Joshua Matthews. She isn't Riley, everything she's ever hoped for has been grounded in reality, but this is a whirlwind romance that catches her by surprise. They see each other every other weekend while he's at NYU; Josh brings her guitar picks for her collection and cares about her art, and that's all she's ever really wanted. With Shawn in her life, she now has a dad and a boyfriend and everything finally seems to be falling into place.
Lucas goes back to Texas for the summer and distance is too much for the willowy brunette, who is always dreaming and aspiring and planning. Riley says "I love you" to Lucas over the phone and hears the dial tone in response. She lets her best friend cry on her shoulder and wonders what is the best way to permanently damage Mr. Perfect's face forever.
Eleventh grade.
They've been through everything together, and heartbreak is no different. She didn't see it coming for a second when Josh pulled the "three years older" card again; how could she, after discovering something as amazing as she thought they'd had? She wants to ask someone if they find her immature, but doesn't want to know the answer. Riley never asks if she's okay – Riley never liked her best friend and her uncle together; Riley didn't feel comfortable hearing her say anything bad about Josh – but she feels fine as soon as she kicks her sketchbook under the bed.
She kisses Farkle because he's there and he's always seen something in her and he thinks she's beautiful when she cries. She kisses Lucas because Riley's there and she doesn't see Maya anymore and there was never, ever a shoulder for Maya to cry on. She is sure there will never be a shoulder again after the screaming match that goes on in the halls.
Twelfth grade.
Everything that she hasn't already destroyed is ending. This tiny blonde girl with the blue eyes she despises so much has nothing to show for her years of friendship and hard work. Instead, she leaves behind a trail of broken hearts and three hurt, confused, and angry ex-best friends. She wishes she had never kissed Josh or Farkle or Lucas or any boy, she wishes she had opened her eyes and realized that everything she had done was for Riley, to make Riley see her the way she saw Lucas. She wishes she knew how to apologize in words, she wishes she weren't graduating without even knowing what any of them are doing with the rest of their lives, she wishes Lucas and Riley hadn't won Prom King and Queen and decided that was a "sign."
"Hart, Maya."
It's a solemn step forward to the cheers and applause of people who haven't spent a minute existing in her world. She's wearing an old dress of Riley's under her cap and gown, one she borrowed a year ago and both forgot existed until she found it in her closet last week. Hands trembling, she reaches for the meaningless piece of paper she wasted four years of her life on.
She remembers what it was like to know that you are broken. It feels a lot like the dull ache that settles into her bones right now.