To Diagnose or Not to Diagnose
Agent Malkere
Disclaimer: I am neither Shakespeare nor the owner to the rites of House, MD. This was written for my own amusement and I am making no profit from it.
A/N: Hamlet's famous 'To Be or Not to Be' soliloquy rewritten from the point of view of Dr. Gregory House
To diagnose or not to diagnose – that is supposed to be the question:
Whether it would be better to endure
Hours upon hours of dull, mind numbing tedium doing clinic duty
Or to hide in obscure parts of the hospital to avoid Cuddy
And, in doing so, play GameBoy and catch up on Soaps. To treat, to differential diagnose –
Never again – and in diagnosing to maybe figure out
Through the inquisition and interrogation of innocent family members
Which patient is lying this time and what he is lying about
Because everybody lies. To treat, to differential diagnose –
To differential diagnose and to discover that it really is Lupus for once. Boy that would be annoying,
Because for once the patient would be diagnosed in the first five minutes and the puzzle would be over
And Cuddy would send me shuffling straight back to clinic duty,
Cane and all with the elevators broken. But maybe on one hand
Clinic duty does have its few advantages.
Because who could survive the never ending stream of running noses and screaming toddlers,
The overbearing mothers, the hypochondriacs,
The irritation of know-it-alls, the gullible innocents,
The under appreciation, and the idiots
That grate at the nerves and wouldn't take no for an answer,
When one could be happily hidden away in a coma patient's room
With his hand held Tivo eating lunch? What idiot other then Wilson
Would purposefully do actual work and willingly be in the same room as a patient,
Unless they thought it would prevent them from going through another malpractice suit,
A courtroom trip that few doctors ever return from, which the justice system thinks
Will keep all the little doctors in line and stop most from taking risks by staying in the clinic
Instead of solving interesting cases via questionable means?
And because of this all the cowards stay in the clinic
And are unable to appreciate the true art of hiding from the hospital director
By playing GameBoy in the morgue.
Idiots, why can't they just do my clinic hours for me?