he struts around the halls with his collar popped; ignoring the blunt shouts of the teachers, ignoring all the girls that flooded around him after football practice, ignoring me as well.
kim junmyeon was a god amongst the crowd of pupils; the teachers in this school would most likely be his slaves if not that popped collar. by now the god-darn thing has turned into his icon as people tried to copy him, or even mock his stoic attitude. many hated that part of him as they blabbered about how they would swim in glory if they were him, but i felt like there was a reason behind this emptiness in him. after all i knew him since primary school yet he turned into a complete lone wolf in the middle of secondary school. thus i set upon this stupid mission of figuring out his mystery - the mystery of the phlegmatic demeanor of his.
it started with me sitting at the table near to him at lunch but slowly, as the restless months flashee by, i got more aggressive the with my hunt. i'd sit in the deep shade of the oak trees besides the football field as i observed his movements; inspecting his body for any strains or traumas. i wasn't afraid to say that at times i was captivated by the goalie's amazing skill, so captivated that i didn't see the glaces that he took to look at me. my hideout would stay up until the end of the practice - when all the guys went into the changing rooms for a quick shower and a change of clothes. although you'd probably expect me to follow them and sit in the corner as i watched them, but i didn't: i'm not a pervert.
i wasn't supposed to be found - i was working in secret.
this entire joke played perfectly until one fateful april morning rolled over. all went fine as i reluctantly climbed out of bed and marched downstairs where i ate some plain cornflakes, before rising back upstairs and washing my face; as no-one wants to go to school with a face full of milk or a swollen eyes. after my procedure i walk out of the bathroom and i meet my mother who was queuing to get into the toilet.
"good morning, bunny," she mumbles with a sleeping voice as she places a kiss on my cheek as i retreat into my room complaining about her affection; she only laughs as it before audibly getting ready for a shower after she brushed her teeth.
the heavy shoulder pads of the blazer baring the school's logo set on my figure, my soul was immediately sucked out of my body as i stood next to the mirror in the hallway. before exiting the house i one again look at the mirror; my light brown hair fell just above my glasses and my uniform was in a good condition (not the best as my sleeves were coloured from the watercolor i used a few days ago during my arts exam). with a quick shout of a 'goodbye' i exit the cottage house and step on the sidewalk. my shoes scrape the ground as i reluctantly walk towards the learning estate, fellow pupils walk into the building with a mood alike… it was largely known as the 'dead inside' feeling, as you knew that your motivation to live was going to be thrown out for the next eight hours.
the halls are full of children from ages of ten to sixteen, this was your typical british secondary school - where you expecting something more out of this country? - it was overflowing full with foreigners and people of different ethnicities as the school was built to show unity; but nobody in school truly cared about that and went with their day not paying attention to any of the stupid moral lessons given by teachers.
why?
because everyone (at least in my year) was gushing over junmyeon and his skillful play. before i would have probably been in that crowd that didn't understand his cool mannerisms, but after a few full months stalking i've managed to place myself in his shoes and realise how annoying it was to be him - even if i stood a good ten meters away from the group that surrounded him, my head still ached from their squealing as they looked at cringe worthy school team photos that featured their, quote end quote, god.
throughout these months i've learned how to avoid them more and now i was on the way to my second lesson: geography. the lesson was as tiring as usual… we were revising the basic stuff we learnt back in the first years of the school. when it comes to the time where we look back at tectonics i raise my hand.
"yes, yixing?" miss hill answers to my sign.
"can i go to the toilet," i question my rights and demand a grant to go out of this horrible classroom. she silently nods and without waiting for a split second i leave the room.
my rubber-soled shoes squeak as i wander to the furthest toilet, there i take out my phone and sit down next to the hand dryer. i mindlessly i scroll through posts on social media as i attempt to avoid any education, until i am scared shit-less when the toilet stall opens with a loud bang. without a doubt i place my phone into my inner blazer pocket and stand up, with careful steps i walk over to the small space.
i am slightly surprised when i see the famous football player with tear stains under his eyes. gladly, i am not seen by him as he wipes at his eyes with his tie which sucks up all of the salty sad tears. as i spectate the guy, who's looking down at his own shoes with his hands in a firm grip on his raven hair. i don't realise that my legs were tiring as i stood in a slouched position, and i fall into the stall next to his as i attempted to find a structure to lean on . as i proceed to fall to my inevitable doom, i manage to slam the door at such velocity to scare myself and i hit my head on the disgusting toilet seat…
in my hazy vision i see a dark splodge leaning over me, i rub my eyes as see junmyeon. his eyes were still stained… his strong hands reach out to me as he crouches to my level and grabs my shoulders; my heart rate increases as i await his next move.
he gives me an endearing look before querying, "are you okay?" he stabilises by torso from spinning but i don't hear his question as my head rings from my increased heart rate.
"what?"
"i said, are you okay?" he speaks louder this time.
"yeah," i answer as i push myself up by pushing down on his strong frame, "yeah…" there and then i lied as i stumbled forward after he stood up and let go of me. in the struggle against gravity i catch his collar as i try not to fall; i am pleasantly surprised when i feel his arms wrap around me. my face warms up and my tummy feels weird, most likely embarrassment.
we listen to each others breaths as we stand frozen, i feel his heart pump against mine through the flesh and bones that separated us. i try to think clearly but my head aches like bitch, without a realisation i place my giant head on his broad shoulder. his hands move around my back as he panic; his heartbeat increases even more.
once my world stops spinning i move my head so i can look at him, my cheek lies on the edge of his shoulder. my gaze falls on his bright red cheeks before i goes up to meet his stare, the awkwardness of it all make me drop my vision to his lips before i felt brave enough to look back at his enchanting eyes.
"thank you," i say and run back to my classroom. mr hill questions my long disappearance, i only redeem myself by saying that i was stopped by a teacher to talk about a project we were preparing in sport theory. she nods her head as i sit back down into my seat and bury my face into my hands; my face is still flushed with embarrassment and i only wait for the bell to chime that it's break time.
once it does ring, i sprint outside and sit down at the bench near the playing fields.
my posture slumped over the picnic-like table as i tried to piece together all of this together into a story; first, he doesn't seem to talk that much, then i stumbled upon him crying and then when i got hurt he treated me like i was dear to him. my brain wasn't able to handle the sudden flood of information that junmyeon just gave me. i was already previously confused when i saw him looking at me during football practice, but now i felt like i was thrown into the middle of space left without any instructions on what to do.
by laying down on the wooden table i don't see all the people who are looking at me.
why are they looking?
well, the mystery man, junmyeon, had decided to perch down on the seat across mine.
"heya," he greets me; i only mumble back some incoherent words but he goes with the flow and continues, "sorry, about all that happened in the toilets earlier, i d—"
"it's nothing," i abruptly cut him off and start standing up, the awkward heartbeats are once again singing in my chest. when i raise my head i can see the bright pink embroidered on his face. i brush off that information and continue to walk away.
"w-wait!" junmyeon shouts as he runs up to me.
"what do you want?" i couldn't care less about him being so talkative right now, i wanted to figure out everything about earlier - i didn't have enough energy for all of this content that he threw at me.
jumps in front of me, "please," he sighs as he holds me by my shoulders, his gaze casted to the ground. in goes a breath and out it goes before he speaks up again, "meet me after training…"
"and why should i do that?" i push away from his strong grip and fix the position of my glasses.
he heaves, "because it's crucial to me." with that he leaves me in the middle the small court near the foreign languages department. i'm more confused than ever in my life.
why is he so talkative today?
why did he help me even though i saw him at his lowest?
for what reason does he want to meet?
and, why me?
was junmyeon going to blackmail me in order for me to keep my mouth shut about the incident earlier, or was he going to do something nice? who knows… i'm so dumbfounded that i don't hear the girls around me attempting to know what happened.
the lessons move slowly, and time during break passes even slower when i watch my classmates play tag rugby on the field during lunchtime. all of the anxiety that came from junmyeon's invite completely demolished my appetite,so i left my sandwich deep in my bag as i rested on the bank watching the korean guy running around.
everyone played without a care in the world; not biasing anyone for their popularity or persona yet the fangirls on the side of the field yelled each time one of the popular crew got the possession of the ball. it all passed in a second to me; as it was a never stopping routine for me although i did feel a difference today. usually this didn't happen before but today junmyeon kept on looking at me, he's probably nervous about the stuff after school and i can't help but to let that anxiety seep into my own body.
in mere seconds the uncomfortable feeling in my chest grew as he looked at me. gladly the sudden bell announcing the last lesson of the day rung loudly and dispersed us to our lessons. mine was english and i couldn't help to notice how my handwriting was shaky and wasn't as legible as before, the picture of junmyeon's worried face came to my mind out of the blue and my heart started to beat faster than ever. the girl next to me asked me if i was fine as my face was bright red and i was breathing very loudly. all i said was that i was 'alright' but she didn't believe it and asked for the teacher's assistance - she wasn't trained to know first aid but recommended me to drink some water and take a break in the corridor.
i sat with my bottle in my hand, my back attached to the concrete hard wall and my legs touch the other side of the thin corridor. the pain in my chest climbs down but it skyrockets when i hear his voice again.
"it's you again," junmyeon silently exclaimed before he came up to me with a quick step, then he crouched down next to me. i haven't opened up my eyes but i was already irritated by him; by his voice and how he made my heart hurt. "are you truly alright?"
"i was better with you," i open my eyes as my sentence ends, he didn't look pleased at the joke yet he wore the same flushed cheeks as in the morning. his collar was once again popped. he gently bit his bottom lip before visibly storming down the hall. i only yell, "that was a joke!"
i chuckle at his stupidity before going back into the classroom and into the uncomfortable plastic chair. we read a chapter of 'lord of the flies' before we take a couple of contextual notes and pack away a few minutes prior to the bell: which let out most people to go home and do whatever they want. i'm not one of those people.
i walk down the empty halls, not rushing to get to the trees near the top football field. i take glaces at the drawings made by the youngest students, they all were announcing that you shouldn't forget to revise for exams… but i didn't take that in even though i did have an exam next month. as i walk further down past the main hall i smell antibacterial spray, i glance to my left just to see one of the many janitors cleaning one of the display boards - the one featuring the netball and hockey groups. i immediately recognise my cousin and smirk at her terrible picture. without a notice my mood gets better as i walk through the school and sit down on the grass next to the old oak trees.
after a couple of minutes i see a bundle of guys run out from the changing rooms; they run a few laps and conduct a few stretches. our sixty year old sport teacher then sets the crowd into smaller groups and sets them off to practice passing and tackling. without realising i stare at junmyeon throughout the entire hour, i look at his steady steps, at his quick and calculated moves, at his happy smirk after he saves a ball from going into the goal. but i can't help but feel a sting in my stomach when his teammate hugs him with a bear hug whilst congratulating him for the nice block. i feel embarrassed about this property of my body so i look down at the vibrant green grass: i pick at it's blades until i hear the whistle coming from the teacher's mouth. mindlessly, i look as he rates their performance and gives them feedback. after a few minutes of ranting he lets them go, half of them run back to the changing rooms whilst the other half drag their feet over to the facility. i camp out until everyone leaves. then i walk towards the changing rooms.
each step raises my anxiety, my chest tightens and i feel like i am drunk. my arms tingle and i attempt to shake off this blanket of uneasiness. i am surprised when junmyeon opens the door and stands there waiting for me. my legs become loose as i step closer. like lighting out of a clear sky, he grabs my hand and leads me to the small clearing in between the wall of the sport's hall and the hedgerows that laid on the edges of the school's property. here is were most people came to smoke or drink during break times or even lessons. but nothing illegal happened to me here. opposingly my life was improved in the next minutes.
junmyeon pushes me against the wall and traps me between his beefy arms, his face is only inches away from me. his breaths hits my nose and his wholesome stare bores into my eyes as i internally panic.
"i been wanting to speak to you for so long," he starts speaking, "i may seem as a creep but it probably doesn't match your level," he gives me a smirk which makes me feel even more clueless. "zhang yixing," the way he says my name sends me beyond the moon, "i've known you since we were in primary school. i didn't talk to you back then nor did i speak to you in here." he lets out a sigh and looks down at my hands which were folded together holding my tie as i attempted to clear off the sweat off of them. "this may seem sudden and i will understand your position no matter of your answer… but let me tell you that… that i have- that i am…" he hesitates to tell me, so i place a hand on his side and stroke his love handles as his breath slows - although he seemed to be turning into red like a fresh tomato.
"what are you?" i say with a silent voice. he sniffles back tears.
"zhang yixing, i have fallen for you!" clocks all around the world stop. my heart falls to my heels as i feel a sense of euphoria enter my chest - i can't comprehend anything that was happening. then he speaks up again, "i have been looking at you everyday at lunch break and at practice; and through your dedication of stalking me you enchanted me. i started to talk with your friends as i attempted to find more things about you - i didn't care if that meant that i will be beaten by my parents… you drove me mad with your eagle stare," his words blur as he talks even longer, his hot tears sting his plump red cheeks.
my hands suddenly dart out to his face, they fix his head in a position in which i can observe his drying tears, his flowing dark hair and his pink frowning lips. and all of the sudden i feel myself getting closer to him; i can't control my arms but i'm rather glad because of their result.
our faces smash against each other, i feel junmyeon freeze up as enjoy the sweet taste of his chapstick. only in a seconds everything changes. he grabs my head into a strong hold and moves it for better access. my body becomes lighter with each passing movement that he desperately presented on my mouth. i have never ever done anything like this before so i submissively allow him to guide his hands around my body as i feel glorified by each touch that he lays on my skin.
as quick as it started it ended, i never expected my first kiss to be so heated - i always envisioned it as a quick peck.
"i…" my brain couldn't process these things so fast, "i love you too." it slips out of my mouth and only then i realise what the increased heart rate and the blushing ment. all of this time i haven't been stalking junmyeon for information. i have been lying to myself.
all this time, i have been stalking him for attention.
but now i got more than i expected and surprisingly…
it's awesome to be with junmyeon.
i'd never exchange him for another goalie.