A/N: Happy Birthday Kara! We're gonna look great as Robin and Tiki this Halloween! Have a great one! To everyone else who might read this, this is probably the dumbest thing I've ever written, and that's saying a lot considering my track record. So if you like incredibly stupid nonsense, read on! It takes place just before chapter 13, but it doesn't include any of the paralogue characters.
At the end of a long day, and just before the deciding battle with Plegia, Chrom was checking in with his army in preparation for the battle tomorrow. As of now Chrom was just cluing up the daily report from his trusted unit, and he was as impressed as always. "Frederick, do you never tire?"
"Of course not, milord. I am here to serve. Ah, and one final thing: I've taken measures to raise troop numbers and morale. I had an artisan create posters emblazoned with your noble image. It's milord in a bold pose-naked, save a scale in one hand and a sword in the other. And at your feet, I scrawled our new recruiting motto: "Chrom Wants You!" I had them pinned inside each and every tent. Surely the troops will be thrilled to rally behind their common leader, milord."
It took a few seconds for Chrom to register what his unit said. "...Wait. You did what?! In whose... You hung this pict... In EVERYONE'S tent?!"
"No need for thanks, milord. Merely doing my duty. And that concludes my report. Rest well, sire!" And with that, he was off.
"F-Frederick! Wait! We really need to... talk. ...Oh, gods. I've got to tear those posters down before anyone sees them!"
-Lissa's Tent-
The long hours were starting to take their toll on everyone, and that meant more work for Lissa. She had become fairly tired relieving everyone else of their weariness, and now she could finally take a break herself. She had retired to her tent for the night, but she kept her staff close just in case someone needed her help. When she entered her tent though, she noticed the poster right away.
She took it off and looked it over. For a second she was confused as to why such a thing was in her tent, but that soon gave way to uproarious laughter. It was pretty obvious that Frederick was involved with this somehow, and it was glorious. She laughed so hard that she levelled up, gaining 1HP for enduring the pain in her side, 1 magic because laughter is good for the brain, and 1 defense because of the workout her lungs and stomach muscles got.
Just then Chrom came through with a look of frantic terror and possibly blind rage. As soon as he spotted the poster, he tore it from Lissa's hands. As he began to shred it, the clerk couldn't help but make comments. "He really captured your good side."
Chrom looked at her with gritted teeth. "Never speak of this again!" And with that, he was off. Lissa looked down at the confetti on her floor. She'd have to clean that up later, but it was totally worth it.
-Sully's Tent-
She was ready to stretch out and relax after all the training she did that day. Poor Stahl was probably much worse off than her though, since he was her unfortunate training partner for most of the day. When she entered, she carelessly tossed her weapons to the side and laid out on the floor. The poster caught her eye as she was laying on her back, so she got up to get a better look. This was a very visually appealing poster to say the least, showing off Chrom's gorgeous musculature and battle hardened body. The caption really confused her though. "Chrom wants me? To do what?" She was already part of the army, and it didn't seem to imply romance (despite him being completely naked in the picture). She stared at it trying hard to figure out what it meant, and totally not because she thought Chrom was hot.
Chrom burst in then, to find Sully staring intensely at the poster. She turned to face him. "What do you want from me?" It wasn't said in a condescending tone, she really just wanted to know the purpose behind the poster.
The king flushed red. The last thing he wanted was to explain the whole ordeal, so he just said, "Frederick." She caught on right away. Giving him a sympathetic look, she tore up the poster and handed the pieces to him. He was grateful, but he didn't have time to properly thank her. So with the pieces collected, he took off.
Although the image had been destroyed, it would remain forever in her mind.
-Virion's Tent-
The prissy archer was ready to get his beauty rest when he noticed a filthy piece of paper in his otherwise noble tent. Offended by its presence, he went to remove it. Of course, the drawing made him stay his hand.
"Why, our noble king desires me? Has he been struck by my flawless beauty?" He mused aloud. "It's not like I blame him, but oh! What will that very plain tactician think when she hears of this? She certainly can't hope to compete with me."
About a minute of dramatic monologuing later, Chrom came busting in. Virion gave him an interested look. "Ah, your nobleness, could you not restrain your desire to gaze upon my beauty?"
Chrom felt himself shudder with revulsion. If he wasn't in such a hurry, he might have voiced such disdain, but there was not time for that. He ignored the foppish archer and snatched the poster from his hands. He didn't tear it up just yet, instead he ran off with it in one piece.
Virion flicked his hair. "Poor man, he can't handle his insecurities in the presence of my beauty."
-Stahl's Tent-
Poor Stahl had already taken a beating from Sully during training, so he was ready to take it easy and rest his sore muscles and damaged body. Upon seeing the poster, he groaned from exhaustion, and possibly hunger. "Well, if Chrom wants me, I guess I should see what he wants." The drawing of the king didn't have any effect on Stahl, and he didn't pay much attention to it. He took the drawing then, and headed out in search of his leader.
Luckily for the cavalier, his search didn't last long. He spotted Chrom running frantically toward him. Before Stahl could get a word in, Chrom charged him, nearly trampling him upon arrival. The king then snatched the offending paper and tore it to shreds. Without a word, he took off toward the next tent, leaving Stahl bewildered.
"So uh, did you get what you wanted?" He was way too tired to question what was going on though, so until he was given orders to act he'd just pretend things were normal. Actually, this was pretty normal for this camp, so he dragged himself back to his tent without another thought.
-Vaike's Tent-
"Ha! I pity those Plegians!" Ol' Teach said to himself as he stretched out. "Bring on their army! Let 'em come! They're no match for the Vaike!" He snickered, but his air of arrogance ceased in an instant when he saw the poster. Instantly his eyes shot down toward his rival's 'assets.' The Vaike was gripped by envy, because there was no way he could possibly this outmatched. Feeling defeated, he mumbled, "so that sword isn't compensating for something."
Poor ol' Teach was so disheartened that he was just about ready to hang up his axe for good, until a new thought entered his head. Of course! Chrom was taunting him, intentionally sparking him into a match! That tagline made much more sense now. How fitting it was that Chrom was drawn au natural while holding a sword. They could compare the size of their skill on the battlefield- or something. Surely that was his message! It was clearly issuing a challenge, man to man with just their steel to talk for them. Well, who was the Vaike to say no to that? Challenge accepted.
Since all of this reasoning was the most analysis Vaike had ever given to anything, some time had passed. Enough time had passed from his disheartening to his conclusion that Chrom had arrived, looking as fired up as he'd ever been. Vaike turned to face him, equally fired up but obviously not for the same reason.
"Chrom! Just the man I wanted to see!" He was still holding the poster, but he wasn't paying attention to it. "Let's take this outside, me and you! Right now!"
The challenge fell on deaf ears. As soon as he spotted the poster he moved in with all the swiftness he could muster and swiped it right out of ol' Teach's hands. Before Vaike could even react the poster was slashed into confetti and Chrom was off again.
Vaike stood, stunned for a second, but then he rationed that Chrom was just scared and changed his mind about sparring. "You scared Chrom? I don't blame you." Unfortunately for Chrom he wasn't getting off the hook that easily. First thing in the morning, Vaike would be there to finish what he started.
-Miriel's Tent-
The studious mage had gotten back to her tent a little later than usual today. She arrived to her dwelling irked due to Robin's reckless disregard for the proper placement of the camp reading material. Of course she noticed the poster since it was a foreign object that she had not placed there herself. She examined it carefully. "Hm, quite the curious message if I may say so." She analysed the parchment with utmost scrutiny. "If this anatomical sketch is to be believed, then I must conclude our Prince has unusually large genitals. Perhaps he is ailed by a congenital disease of sorts?" The tagline certainly wasn't helping matters in Miriel's mind. "Ah yes, he must want me to thoroughly examine him and offer a curative panacea. Very well! I will commence an investigation posthaste." Just as she was gathering up her books for her data collecting process, the man himself came busting in. At least it would save her the trouble of having to carry all of her supplies. "Ah, you've arrived with impeccable expediency. Please remove your garments so I may commence my examination."
Chrom's face blazed redder than Miriel's hair. He couldn't muster the courage to speak after such a request, so he simply snatched at the poster, but Miriel wouldn't let it go. "Please exhibit patience, I have received your message in its entirety." She reached for his pants then, causing Chrom to leap up and away, but he wasn't leaving without the poster. The mage was dead set on getting her data though, so they ended up dancing around the tent for a while. As soon as Miriel showed signs of fatigue, Chrom moved in for the kill. He impaled the offending paper on Falchion and tore it horizontally. It then fell into his hands and he ran out before she could catch him.
She adjusted her glasses in dismay. "What is it that causes everyone to be so bashful?" She sighed. "Perhaps this will be my area of speculation tomorrow." Normally she would have pursued this new area of interest, but she was too tired to do it now.
-Sumia's Tent-
Taking care of the animals used in the army was something Sumia could do in her sleep. She entered her tent after tending to the army's mounts, feeling proud that she didn't trip on the way back from the stables. That all changed with she saw the poster. She literally fell head over heels in her attempt to get to it. After a long struggle that somehow didn't result in broken bones, she managed to get a closer look.
"Oh gracious! I mean, oh my!" She blushed a little, unsure of what to make of this development.
Just then, the commander himself made an appearance. Sumia couldn't look directly at him, but she did try talking to make the situation a little less awkward. "Hello Chrom, I uh, didn't know you felt this way. But um, isn't your way of expressing your feelings a little, well, obscene?"
Poor Chrom offered an apologetic look. "Sumia, there's been a misunderstanding. You see, this was Frederick's idea. He uh, didn't consult with me before sticking these up."
She appeared to be a little disappointed. "So, does this mean you don't want me?"
Oh no, trapped. "No! I mean- you're a valuable member of the Sheppards, and I hope you'll continue fighting with us. It's just that- the poster needs to be destroyed."
"I understand." She said. "Here."
"Thank you." He said, though he was slightly out of breath from running around. Still, he was a man on a mission, so he couldn't rest for long.
-Maribelle's Tent-
The troubadour had just returned with a stylish and elegant mug of tea in hand, but unfortunately seeing such an indecent image of Chrom stuck to the inside of her tent startled her so much that she spilled her tea all over herself. That didn't help the rage that was building inside her.
Out of everyone, Maribelle was the most offended to see such a thing in her living space. In her eyes it was the lowliest of filth and she couldn't believe that her noble commander and the brother of her best friend would resort to such barbaric tactics. She would have made a special trip just to confront him herself, but luckily he came to her. Clearly she was not happy.
"What is the meaning of this?!" The troubadour said with as much indignation as Chrom had ever heard.
"It was Frederick, I swear!" He retorted before she could unload any more of her wrath upon him.
"Remove this filth from my sight at once!" She demanded, tossing the crumpled remains of the poster to her commander.
"Gladly." Chrom said, then abruptly ran for the next tent faster than usual to escape Maribelle.
"Honestly, it's like I'm running with a pack of barbarians!"
-Ricken's Tent-
Modern man Ricken had just gotten back from a rousing session of cooking. The book he had received from Robin had turned out to be most helpful in his learning of which flavours taste good together. He had planned on reading up on some other things that sparked his interest, until he noticed the poster. The fact that Chrom wanted him confused him greatly, but his mind got taken away from that quickly when he noticed the commander's 'equipment.'
"Oh wow, they can get that big?" Suddenly he didn't feel so bad about his height, but rather how other parts of him weren't measuring up. That was another complex that he certainly didn't need.
As Chrom came bursting in though, he jolted up in surprise. "Oh, uh, hi." He stammered.
Luckily the tiny mage didn't seem hell bent on keeping the poster, as Chrom was able to dash in and steal it without much resistance. Before he left for the next tent though, he turned briefly and said, "don't believe it! That's not what I look like!" And then abruptly made a run for it.
Ricken could only sigh, possibly from exasperation and a little relief. At least he wouldn't have to worry about how he measured up- perhaps.
-Gaius's Tent-
The thief had probably gotten off easiest out of everyone at the camp that day, so he had energy to spare. That wasn't going to stop him from enjoying his down time though. So when he entered his tent, he noticed the poster right away and almost didn't care about it. After a second look though, his interest was quite piqued. He took the poster down and gave a thorough look over.
Honestly he couldn't tell if this was a prank or something meant to be taken seriously. Either way, he grinned to himself and stuffed it into one of his pockets. Perhaps it could come in handy.
Not long after, Blue Blood himself busted in, out of breath and just as distressed as ever. Gaius had made the right choice in holding that paper hostage.
"Wassup Blue?" The thief said with a snide grin. "What brings you here?"
"Gaius." Chrom said through gritted teeth. "I know you have something... depicting me..." He was too embarrassed to explain further.
"What, me? Can't say I remember anything like that." He said, his smirk widening. "But maybe you could refresh my memory."
Chrom growled. "Fine! How about- those sticky candies Lissa likes?"
"Oh? Nope, still drawing a blank. Go on."
"Err, and a helping of our finest frosted honey cakes?"
"I'm still listening."
Chrom growled. "And what about a box of our finest Ylissian chocolate?"
Gaius's jaw dropped and the lollipop he was sucking on almost fell out. "Deal!" He said with a jubilant smile. Then he reached into his thief-esque robes and pulled out the paper. It was in pretty bad condition and crumpled to a near unrecognisable mess. Chrom didn't care though, it would save him the effort. Like the others, he snatched it up and ran toward the next tent.
This time though, Gaius followed him outside. "You'd better make good on your promise Blue! Who knows what will go missing if I'm not paid!" It was a largely empty threat, but he really wanted his sweets. Hopefully Chrom would honour their deal without the threat.
-Panne's Tent-
While she was the only Taguel in the camp, and possibly the world, she was starting to feel a little more accepted and comfortable among her human companions. Though, when she noticed the poster, she did become confused and a little agitated. This would probably make more sense if she were human. She wouldn't have to wonder about it too long though, as the very determined, yet now substantially exhausted Chrom made an appearance in her tent.
"Your kind has such strange rituals." She said, sizing up the poster. "Is this what you look like without your clothes?" She may not have been an expert of human anatomy, but it resembled Taguel anatomy so much that she could reasonably draw such conclusions. The confusing part was why he would post a picture like that in her tent. He wasn't implying that he wanted to mate with her did it?
Though, her question caused him to flush and feel queasy. Really, he couldn't take much more of this embarrassment, he might just have a heart attack. "This isn't a ritual, it's just a misunderstanding. Please, give that paper to me, and I'll leave." He intentionally ignored the question about his natural state. He figured that would be pretty self-explanatory answer in any other situation.
She hesitated, but decided to give in. This whole situation was confusing to her, but she just assumed this was some bizarre human thing. So without any resistance, she handed it over. Chrom didn't waste any time seizing the poster and running full speed to his next destination.
-Lon'qu's Tent-
The swordsman entered his tent after a particularly trying day of working alongside Sully and Miriel. He hadn't expected to see a picture of naked Chrom stuck on the inside of his tent, and really he didn't know what to make of it. Not to mention the bizarre tagline, was Chrom coming onto him?
"Just because I can't stand women doesn't mean I'm-" He didn't finish that thought. Apparently he had sent out the wrong message to his fellow Sheppards. Though, he could totally understand how they'd get that idea. Perhaps he'd have to set the record straight later on.
By the time Chrom arrived, the myrmidon was already asleep. At this, Chrom couldn't help but sigh in relief, looking around for the poster. It wasn't in plain sight, so he'd have to go looking for it. Though, it wasn't easy since it was dark and any false move could wake Lon'qu. He couldn't handle more embarrassment so he'd much prefer if he could get the poster without any more confrontation.
No such luck, the ever diligent Lon'qu was up at light speed with a sword pointed right at Chrom's neck. Though, it didn't take him long to realise who the intruder was. "My apologies." He said, then instantly remembered the poster. "Wait a second, just because I can't stand women doesn't mean I'm-" He couldn't finish that though, just like earlier. Chrom felt the awkwardness of the situation and wanted out as quickly as he could.
"I didn't put that- thing in your tent. It was Frederick." Chrom said, not looking at him. "I'm sorry. Where's the poster?"
Lon'qu bit his lip. He may have been agitated but he'd gladly surrender that paper. "Under that bag." He gestured. Chrom saw it then, and swooped down to steal it. With that he made a run for it.
No doubt breakfast would be a little awkward for them tomorrow.
-Cordelia's Tent-
Once her inspection of the surrounding camp area was completed, she was ready to retire for the night and read her latest trashy romance novel. Her plans were halted in an instant when she saw the poster.
Her heart fluttered. This may have been the happiest day of her life. She glanced over to her stack of romance and self-help books with adoration, as clearly they had served their purpose. She couldn't wait, she had to go see him now, and let him know that she accepted his feelings.
When she found him running around the camp she made a b-line straight for him. "Chrom!" She said, grinning like a school girl. "Chrom!"
He turned to face her, only to be pulled into a tight embrace. In one hand was the poster, which Chrom only seen for a brief moment. A chill ran down his spine as he speculated on what she might be thinking. "Cordelia-"
"I want you too." She said, almost teary eyed. "I've wanted you for so long. I love you."
"Cordelia- listen." He said, now feeling incredibly guilty about what he'd have to say. "Whatever you think about the meaning of that poster- it's a mistake. Frederick- he put those posters up in everyone's tent." Though after her confession, he felt terrible for having to break the news to her.
She paused, then slowly let him go. They were face to face now, and the crushing sadness in her eyes was evident. "So, even though it says that you want me-"
"It said that on every poster. I'm sorry."
"Oh." She said. "Well, I'm sorry for telling you all of this." At that, she tossed the poster aside and ran back to her tent, sobbing loudly. As bad as Chrom felt for causing her such emotional distress, he was still on his mission.
-Nowi and Gregor's Tent-
"What is this?" The sellsword wondered aloud as he observed the picture. "Chrom is wanting us? He has already done with the hiring. Why no clothes?" He seemed rather baffled by the thing. Nowi said nothing, just observed.
Soon after, Chrom arrived looking frazzled and exhausted enough to collapse at any second. Gregor addressed him before he could get a word in. "What is meaning of drawing of naked you?"
"I swear this was Frederick's idea! Why would I want- a picture like that in your tent?"
"Gregor is still not convinced. Gregor think Prince is taunting and belittling Gregor."
"Well, I like it." Nowi chimed in. "Whoever drew this really captured his likeness."
"What?!" Chrom said, caught off guard and indignant.
"Yeah! I want to keep it forever!" The young looking dragon girl said.
"Gregor not like that."
Chrom cleared his throat. "See? You're making your husband uncomfortable. So just hand it over and we'll all be done of this."
"Hmm, well, if he really wants me to get rid of it that bad, could I at least blow it up with my dragon breath?"
Her request seemed a little excessive to him, but it was acceptable. "Alright."
"Yay! Let's go outside!" As she said this, she grabbed both her husband and Chrom by the hand and dragged then out. Then she enthusiastically shoved the drawing into the royal's hands and took a few steps back. It was pretty obvious what was coming next, but Chrom still wasn't fully prepared for it. At the last second he held out the paper and Nowi blasted it with everything she had.
There really wasn't anything left of the paper, so, mission accomplished as far as Chrom was concerned. Without another word, he ran to the next destination.
-Libra's Tent-
Being a war monk, Libra had the job of holding his own on the battlefield and making sure everyone else remained in good condition. Naturally he was always spent after a long day of fighting and healing, and praying whenever he had a spare minute. Though, there was no time for prayer now, since there was quite the strange message for him in his tent.
Being a man of the cloth, he couldn't really approve of his prince putting up such explicit content. It certainly wouldn't be good for the impressionable minds in their camp, and it certainly wouldn't be good for the image of the army. Sure Chrom was a strong leader and a figure their troops could rally behind, but there's no reason to show off- that much of him. Surely there must be a deeper reason for such tomfoolery?
Just then Chrom arrived, but before Libra could get a word in, the distressed prince grabbed the poster right off the tent. He turned to the war monk with an apologetic look. "Sorry about this, Frederick-" He didn't need to finish that sentence, even if Libra wasn't that close with Frederick.
"Oh, are you feeling well Milord?"
He gritted his teeth. "I've- been better."
"Unfortunate. I will pray that as few people as possible see this."
"Thank you." He said, giving Libra a respectful nod before high tailing it out toward the next tent.
-Tharja's Tent-
Somehow Tharja had managed to secure a whole slew of magical items needed for her hexes. She was just about ready to start cursing everyone who had crossed her that day, which was pretty much everyone in the camp. She was only slightly distracted by the poster, but it also made her disheartened.
"Hmm, I can see why Robin likes him so much." Tharja mused aloud. If he really was as well endowed, then something had to be done. Then Robin would leave him, probably.
Just then Chrom came sidling up, acting more cautious in his approach. She peeked out of her tent to greet him. For some reason she was very interested in his hair. The sight of her looking so calculating startled him, but he stood his ground. "Uh, hello." He said simply. "I uh, I mean, was there a drawing or something in your tent tonight?" For some reason the tension was increasing. He could feel the ill will she had for him, but he wasn't sure why.
"Oh, you mean this?" She produced the poster.
"Yeah, could I perhaps, have that back?"
She stared straight into his soul with piercing determination, it made him feel cold. "I'll give this to you if you give me a hair of yours."
Normally that would be a fair trade, but something told him this wasn't a good idea. "Why do you want that?"
"Hehehe."
That didn't sound good. "I'll uh, give it to you if you tell me why you need it."
She stared him down again. "Let's just say I have a particular gripe with the size of one of your body parts. All I want to do is make it- proportionate to your body." She cackled some more at the thought of it.
"Gods no!" He said. Even though it was probably unwise to go against Tharja, he had no choice if he wanted the poster. So, in the boldest move he'd ever made, he stabbed Falchion and hooked the paper, then wrested the bottom half of the poster from her hand. The motion was swift, but she still tried to react by grabbing one of his hairs while he did that. Luckily she didn't manage to grab one, but the danger was real. At that he ran as fast as he could to get away from the now very angry dark mage.
-Robin and Chrom's Tent-
At long last the tactician returned to the tent she shared with her future husband. The strategies she came up with were some of her best, in her opinion, and she couldn't wait to discuss them with her lover. Instead of finding him though, she instead found the poster. She held it in her hands and laughed to herself, noting that a particular part of her lover's anatomy had been seriously embellished. She'd seen him naked before, and he certainly wasn't that well-endowed.
She was snapped out of her musings when her husband entered. He was a total mess, his hair was disheveled, he was gasping for breath, his face was burning red. Robin thought it was adorable, and she suspected the exaggerated drawing had something to do with his current state. "This is an odd way of getting me in the mood." She said with a snicker, holding out the poster.
Instinctively he grabbed it from her and crumpled it, now too tired to bother shredding it like the others. Through pants he managed to mumble, "Frederick."
Understandable. "What was his reasoning behind this?"
"Raising morale or something." He said, finally catching his breath.
"That sounds just like him. Hey, put what's left of those posters in a pile."
"Why?"
"You'll see." She said with a grin. Chrom did as he was instructed, trusting that his wife-to-be wouldn't betray him. With her fire tome open, she casted a small flame upon the posters, and in seconds the remaining shreds of the posters were charred to ashes.
"Thank you." They sat down together then, and Robin sidled up to him near the burnt remains of paper.
"You know, if you want make yourself like that picture, I'll gladly massage your shoulders." He'd had a hard day, it was the least she could do for him.
"Oh really?"
"Yeah." She snickered, "But I suppose you'll have to work on one specific area, if you want to be more like the poster."
He blushed, he really couldn't take any more abuse or snide comments about his manhood. "Please."
"Okay, okay. I suppose you've already suffered enough for one day." She touched his shoulder in support, and he sighed and began taking his clothes off. Once he was bare chested, he laid out face down and allowed for his fiancée to work out the knots. "Hey, when you're all done here, are you going to confront Frederick?"
"Tomorrow." He said. "Just before we go to battle. He's overdue for a stern talking to."
She only smiled. This would be interesting to say the least.
A/N: I totally didn't leave anyone out. Have a nice day!