NOTE: This is comic-based and has spoilers! I don't make any money off this fanfic or own any spider-man units (except for a tiny plastic 1990's toy).
WHIPPIN' WEBSNAPPERS! YOU'VE JUST PURCHASED YOUR NEW SPIDER-MAN UNIT! YOUR MODEL ARRIVES IN ONE OF FOUR TYPES:
616 PETER PARKER: Brown, wavy hair, brown eyes, 20-30's age range, with classic red & blue webs.
1610 PETER PARKER: Brown, uncut, straight hair, brown eyes, teenage, with classic Spider-man costume and large white mask lenses.
1610 MILES MORALES: Black, curly, short hair, brown eyes, teenage, with black Spider-man costume and red webbing, and large white mask lenses.
616 "SUPERIOR" SPIDER-MAN: Short, brown hair, brown eyes, 30's age range, black and red Spiderman costume with jagged dark lenses on mask and spider-like legs that emerge from the costume's built in back-pack.
All Spider-men come equipped with super-strength, 20-20 vision, mechanical webshooters, and the ability to stick to walls. Camo mode and electrical ability exclusive to 1610 Miles Morales unit.
YOUR SPIDER-MAN UNIT WILL COME WEBBED IN A WOODEN CRATE! PLEASE FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS TO PREVENT INJURY TO YOUR UNIT:
1. Set the crate upright, in a well-lit and ventilated area.
2. Exposure of the webbing wrapped around the crate to UV rays will result in rapid deterioration of the webbing in approximately one-hour. At this point you can open the crate.
*Please note: if your unit's webbing does not disintegrate within an hour, you have received the rare One More Day Arc Spider-man with natural, organic webbing that lasts up to a week. If you receive this unit, you are entitled to a full refund, as this unit is likely to bring bad "Parker luck" to your household.
3. Open the crate. Your unit will be facing front. Activate your unit by pressing the spider icon on the center of his chest. Your unit will memorize your fingerprint and will recognize you as his owner.
4. Your Spider-man unit will guide you in his care.
YOUR SPIDER-MAN UNIT'S RESPONSIBILITIES:
Life can be tough, your unit knows this and understands. That is why he is here to help! Employ your unit in the following:
1. Bodyguard: all units excel at this and will protect you.
2. Scientist: the Peter Parker and "Superior" units are highly interested in science. They can be your personal tutor, but beware: once your unit begins to think about the world of science it will likely win a scholarship to college and you will never see it again as it descends into the cold, drafty, laboratories of Empire State University.
3. Evil Mastermind: available only in the "Superior" units.
4. Photography: your Peter Parker unit excels in all types of photography from portrait to high-speed action.
5. Common Sense: you can trust your Miles Morales unit will guide you in your decisions with an honest and unbiased intellect. He will not be swayed by fads or by imposters.
POWER YOUR SPIDER-MAN UNIT:
Your unit is a true believer: he believes he's a true hero. Thus, you must understand his mindset. Your Peter Parker and Miles Morales units will try to save everybody and will feel personally responsible if they fail in this task. To prevent your Spider-man unit from feeling like a failure, you should:
1. Tell him how much you appreciate his super-hero-ing.
2. Keep him away from crime news – perhaps an impossible task if he works at the Daily Bugle.
3. Leave the upstairs window open so he can get back in the house at night.
4. Call him by his real name.
5. Don't tell him he's a unit or a clone, treat him like a person.
6. Bake him wheatcakes (616 Peter Parker only).
7. Never give up; Spider-man's moral courage comes from his family and friends.
SUPER-PHYSICAL MAINTENANCE:
Your Spider-man unit is equipped with a synthetic body designed to give him the appearance of a human. While the unit cannot eat real food, his programming will convince him that he has eaten whatever food you set before him at the dinner table, even if it remains untouched. Sent in a second crate are cans of oil disguised as soda pop, it is best to give him one of these a month and send your unit in for an oil change twice a year.
Your unit will sustain injuries in his battles with super-villains, but his synthetic body will automatically repair broken bones and minor wounds. When your unit requires bigger repairs, call 1-433-318-8001.
TROUBLE WEB-SHOOTING:
Q. My Spider-man unit got stuck to the ceiling and I can't get him off! Is there a "butter fingers" mode?
A. Your Spider-man unit is refining his super-powers. Either leave him up there as modern art or tell him Aunt May is coming to visit.
Q. AAH! I bought my Spider-unit for, like, protection and he has been, like, following me everywhere I go ever since I dyed my hair blonde and, like, grew it out. He even, like, waits outside the restroom for me; this is so embarrassing.
A. Your Spider-man unit probably has confused you for Gwen Stacy: his fondly remembered girlfriend who died by falling off a bridge or by being eaten by Carnage. Explain to him that you are not Gwen Stacy and that you are perfectly safe, that is, if you are safe… if not, then let him protect you!
Q. My spider-man grew four extra arms! Help!
A. While it may take a little time to get used to this, we recommend that you leave the extra arms in place, buying the Fantastic Invisible Sleeves © so that he can venture into public without unwanted attention. Trust us, extra arms are what humans have been subconsciously desiring for hundreds of years.
Q. I bought my Spider-man hoping he would kill spiders for me, but he doesn't. Can I get a refund?
A. How dare you! Spider-man is not a spider-killer; asking him to kill his genetic relatives is a disgrace. If you really want a spider-killer, we will gladly exchange your model for a "Superior" model or a famous "no-prize".
Q. My neighbor just bought a Mary Jane unit, and now my Peter Parker wants to marry her! I don't want to lose my personal super-hero, but he loves her so much and I feel guilty for telling him no!
A. Ah… true robotic love. As the owner you have two choices: either pay a dowry to your neighbor to buy their Mary Jane unit or buy the Civil War memory wipe chip. It's your choice and your doom.
Q. How can I help convince my Miles Morales that he is just as much the real Spider-man as my big brother's Peter Parker?
A. Miles Morales is a fairly new superhero and he still has to spin his own web. Encourage him by explaining that he is "your" Spider-man and don't treat him as a twin of Peter Parker.
Q. Why does my Superior model keep insulting my intelligence?
A. Because he's "Superior." Honestly, if you didn't realize this when you purchased this unit you are unintelligent. We are not responsible for buyers who fail to read the personality specs before purchasing, idiot. (Sponsored answer from Spider-bots).
Q. My 1610 Peter Parker keeps wanting me to adopt other superhero units, like the 1610 Human Torch and 1610 Ice Man. Is it a good idea to take his advice?
A. I say thee nay! Do you really want three super-powered teenage boys in your house? But while you're at it, waddya say to buying our new Irving Forbush model?
Q. My Spider-man model refuses to respond to his name and insists that he only be called "Spider-man." What should I do?
A. He is hiding his identity from you. Play along… it's great fun. Also, join the MMMS. You know you want to.
Q. Whenever I slack off on my homework, my Spider-man tells me that I'm not responsible enough. I have too many people on my case already! How do I get him to just cut it out?
A. Face front and do your homework! Alternatively you could encourage your Spider-man to risk life and limb hunting down villains – then he'd be too busy to nag you.
We hope you enjoy your unit for many years!
[MMMS = Merry Marvel Marching Society, Irving Forbush = pretend Marvel staff member, "I say thee nay!" = Thor catch-phrase, waddya = common comic book slang, Civil War = Marvel Civil War, Fantastic Invisible Sleeves = an invention to allow the 6-arm Spidey to live a normal life, 1-433-318-8001 = Diamond Comics Distributors, "no-prize" = old Marvel prize for finding editorial mistakes, spider-bots = Otto Octavius' surveillance system, & "Parker Luck" = bad luck.]