Credits: Original author is Dark_Obsidian (previously known as Реймен)
Translated from Russian to English
Translator's notes: The author deleted the original after he published it only for a little while...Luckily, I got my hands on it before that happened. And yes it's only one chapter that they wrote back then, and yes I'll continue it if I'm not too busy and/or lazy.
Woody woke up as soon as the sun rose above the horizon. He cheerfully jumped out of the bed and did morning exercises, then he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Standing in front of the mirror which has a black frame, he took a tube of minty toothpaste and put a bit of its contents on the toothbrush which despite of being used for so long, it was still in perfect condition. After careful brushing, Woody used enamel coating. He was so fascinated with himself, he did not notice that a huge red cockroach crawled out of the ventilation. Moving its antennas and its long nasty arthropod legs, it slowly slide down the wall. Woody's attention was drawn to the insect, when its belly touched the lever of the faucet.
The young man slightly shuddered, then without thinking twice he picked up a can of deodorant and crushed the parasite with a single blow - a crunch of its chitin cover breaking was heard. When Woody began to raise the can, he saw that how from it left a viscous reddish stain - it was the inside of the cockroach. With disgust, he moved the can to the toilet and shook it make the body of the cockroach fall. There was a loud splash, after which Woody immediately pulled the lever. The sound of flushing water has made it known that the cockroach will soon be washed away.
'To you, it was empty, Rottweiler! You'd just spread a pigsty anyway, you parasitic spawn!' the young man shook his head.
Finished with brushing, he took off his clothes and went into the bathtub. Taking out of the cupboard a bottle of shampoo, he began soaping his hair.
Meanwhile, Roger just woke up. With some difficulty he got out of bed, and with even greater difficulty he put on his trousers on his fat butt, then he went downstairs to the kitchen. He walked past the dog, opened the door to the kitchen and went to the refrigerator. Roger began to make himself some breakfast which is five sandwiches, he put them on a plate and then in the microwave. Pressing the "start" button three times, while adjusting it for fifteen minutes. While the food is heated, Roger was scratching his rear.
*Tick-tick-tick-tick* the timer on the microwave makes does sounds.
And finally, the long-awaited *ding!* the timer stopped ticking, the sandwiches were heated. Having sat down at the table, he poured himself a cup of coffee and started eating.
"Recently it became known, that one of the ancient temples located in the jungle lies the greatest secret. It is a certain artifact, which will make the owner so rich, that such sum is not something even in someone's best dream!" Roger read the beginning of an article.
There was spark in his eyes. The thought of so much money brightened his day. That alone, he loves money.
"I must go in search for the artifact! This Friday! That is, in three days!"
Woody finished bathing, took a towel from the hangers and started wiping. Having himself wiped dry, he changed his clothes and threw the dirty laundry in the washing machine. He filled it up with detergent powder, adjusted the temperature and time, and then went to the kitchen to have breakfast. His breakfast was more reasonable and healthy - it was muesli with milk, a cup of strong black tea with dry biscuits and a green apple. He sat down and began to eat. While he was eating, he heard his neighbour's fantasy about the artifact. The idea of having another chance to annoy his neighbour pleases him. Smiling, he sent a spoonful of tasty muesli.
'Well, in his dreams! Does he think with that kind of physique he can obtain any artifact? Yeah, sure . . . especially with having his breath running out quickly, he can't even run. After all, as a rule, these kinds of artifacts are over an abyss . . . So my neighbour has no chance!'
When he was done eating, Woody ran outside. There he met a little boy around ten years old, who immediately ran up to him and handed him a notebook.
"Can I have your autograph, Mr. Trickster? I'm your biggest fan!" he asked with a pleading face "I love your show, I laughed at every episode of the adventures with you hating Mr. Rottweiler! I especially liked the episodes where the neighbour gets electrified! It's just shockingly hilarious! When all fourteen episodes of Revenge is a Sweet Game ended, I was very sad. But as soon as I saw the episode All Aboard, in which you forced him to slip into the ocean, I realized that the show goes on! I was happy more than ever! Generally, On vacation episodes made me laugh just as much as Revenge is a Sweet Game!"
"I'm glad to hear that you like my show, kid!" said Woody while writing his signature on the first page of the notebook. "By the way, there will be new series soon! I'm going on a business trip! Goodbye . . . Umm . . . Sorry, but I'm not sure I know your name, kid!"
"Tom. My name's Tom!" said the boy, smiling.
"So long, Tom! Bye!" Woody shouted, leaving the yard.
Woody ran down the street towards the film studio. The thought that he will sign a new contract with his director Joe Deen makes him happy. There was a light breeze, the birds are singing. And he was in front of the film studio. Opening the door, the young man went into the spacious hall. Joe was sitting his chair and gave instructions to his crew.
After noticing Woody, he smiled.
"Woody, my friend! What brings you here?" asked Joe.
"Joe, my neighbour Mr. Rottweiler is going on a search for some artifact. And I want to sign a contract with you for new Neighbours from Hell series!" Woody sat down on a chair facing in front of Joe and he took out a blueberry gum.
Joe scratched his head then a little on his beard. It did not took him too long to think over Woody's offer, he turned to his assistant and he handed him a sheet of paper. He handed Woody the paper along with a black pen.
Woody wrote his name, surname and signature on the bottom of the contract sheet, and then handed it back to Joe. The contract for cooperation was signed.
Beware, Roger Rottweiler! Woody, Joe and the camera crew are already out on your trail again! A scary adventure awaits you! Beware!