Ready to read The Worst Peanuts Fanfic ever? Enjoy the ride...or not. Strangely enough it has its similarities to the Robot Chicken Great Pumpkin Special. The Great Pumpkin won't be the killer though.
It all started when Snoopy lost to the Red Baron in an air battle again.
For some strange reason, he could never win. It seemed like the baron always had the upper hand against him.
So, he decided that he would make a deal with the devil.
He sold his soul in exchange for the power to kick Red Baron's ass.
So, he set out to the sky and did just that, kick Red Baron's ass.
Snoopy cheered. He had won!
However, selling his soul to the devil made him want to do evil things...like murder the cast of the Peanuts.
Maybe he could make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of them. That would be funny.
But in the end, he decided that it would be more fun to kill them one by one.
So, he went to see Charlie Brown.
Since he was unlucky, he would die first.
"Hey Snoopy...I forgot to get you dog food. Sorry man." apologized Charlie.
Snoopy's eyes suddenly turned red.
They also started glowing.
"Good grief." said the unfortunate boy.
Snoopy fired lasers from his eyes, and Charlie was completely vaporized.
He laughed in satisfaction.
He then noticed Lucy, who was waiting for Charlie Brown.
Snoopy approached her.
"Hey Snoopy. Have you seen Charlie?" asked Lucy.
Snoopy shrugged.
Since Charlie wasn't there, she decided to prank Snoopy instead.
"Can you kick this football for me?" inquired the girl.
Instead of kicking the football, Snoopy kicked Lucy...right into outer space.
"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!" exclaimed Lucy as she suffocated in space.
A few minutes later, Snoopy went to see Linus.
"Hey Snoopy. How are y-"
Linus was cut off when suddenly Snoopy shoved his blanket in his mouth.
"Mmph!" shouted Linus.
He then poured oil on the blanket, then lit it with a lighter.
This had gruesome results.
"AAH! MY FLESH IS BURNING! OH MY GOD! WHY? JESUS CHRIST! NOOOOO!" shouted Linus.
Snoopy laughed hysterically.
However, this particular murder had a witness.
"No! Not my sweet baboo!" exclaimed Sally.
"BOOOOOO!" screeched Snoopy, who transformed into a hideous monster.
Sally was scared so badly, she had a heart attack...and DIED!
Snoopy turned back to his normal form and laughed.
He crossed Charlie, Lucy, Linus, and Sally off his hit list.
The hellhound decided that he would kill Peppermint Patty and Selma next. Er, he meant Marcie.
However, it seemed that his actions had been noticed by the local authorities.
"Wah wah wah." said a police officer.
"What's that? It's kind of hard to understand you." stated Snoopy.
"Wah wah wah." continued the man.
"I'm under arrest? Do I look like I care?" inquired the dog.
"Wah wah wah."
"I have the right to remain silent? I didn't even talk until now. And what are you going to do? Send me to the pound?"
"Wah wah wah."
"You're putting me to sleep?! Over my dead bo-oh wait."
"Wah wah wah."
"What makes you think you can take me on?"
"Wah wah wah."
"You're invisible? Well, that would give you a hand against a normal crook...but can you hide from my super-strong nose?"
The policeman noted that perhaps he hadn't thought things through.
Snoopy gruesomely murdered the man...though he did admit that it wasn't as fun when he couldn't admire the body. There was still plenty of blood though.
He then took his badge as a trophy...which was now visible for some strange reason.
Snoopy decided that he would also take his gun. He might as well, right? It was visible as well now.
Well, time to kill Patty and Marcie.
As usual, they were together.
"Before I kill you, can you two come out of the closet? It's now or never!" exclaimed Snoopy.
"We're not gay!" shouted Patty.
"I guess you're not then. I'm amazed." answered the dog.
Snoopy shot Patty and Marcie with the policeman's gun, then pumped a few bullets to make sure they were dead.
This killing spree was so much fun.
He then noticed the kite-eating tree.
As usual, he was eating a kite.
Was that all he ever did?
"You like eating kites? Here's something for you to down it with!" exclaimed Snoopy.
Snoopy tossed a molotov cocktail in the tree's mouth.
He screamed in agony as he was burned to death.
Woodstock decided to pay Snoopy a visit.
He was devoured by the evil dog.
"That was delicious!" shouted Snoopy.
He then went to kill Schroeder.
Snoopy noted that he could simply shoot him with the gun...but to be honest, he didn't think that was creative enough.
Perhaps he could try something else.
He then had an idea.
He would drop a piano on his head instead.
That would be deliciously ironic.
He waved a hand, and a piano fell from the sky.
Schroeder was crushed.
"Why did God do this? Was my piano making people's ears bleed?" asked Schroeder's ghost.
"I think that was more along the devil's work..." answered Pigpen.
Snoopy covered his nose. As usual, Pigpen smelled awful.
Why hadn't he killed him before? Being a dog only made him smell worse to him.
Fortunately, he already knew how to do so.
Covering his nose with one hand, he grabbed Pigpen with his other hand.
"Snoopy? What are you doing?" asked Pigpen.
Snoopy picked up Pigpen and took him to the bathtub.
"Noooo!" screamed Pigpen.
Snoopy drowned Pigpen in the bathtub, laughing all the while.
"I wasn't expecting to drown in it, but considering what's been happening to my friends lately, I probably should have seen it coming." said Pigpen.
Next on the list was Franklin.
He spotted him.
"You know, I was under the impression that since I was the black guy I would die first..." noted Franklin.
"Do you think I'm racist?" asked Snoopy.
Franklin shrugged.
Snoopy pulled out a rope.
"Let me guess, you're going to hang me from a tree..." said Franklin.
"No..." stated Snoopy.
"Then how are you going to kill me?" asked the boy.
"I'm going to hang you...above an ocean full of sharks!" exclaimed the dog.
Franklin screamed.
Sure enough, he was hanging from a tree branch over a cliff. He could see shark fins in the water.
Since Snoopy enjoyed Franklin's terror, he cut the rope slowly.
"You are one dog that is not going to heaven..." stated Franklin.
Snoopy cut the rope and Franklin was eaten alive.
He then decided to target Rerun.
Naturally, Rerun was run over...with a truck.
"Look both ways before crossing the street!" exclaimed the dog.
Afterwards, he targeted Violet.
"How should I kill her?" asked the dog.
He had an idea.
He pulled out a violet lightsaber.
Afterwards, Snoopy used it to chop off Violet's head.
"Now, whose left?" asked Snoopy.
It seemed that the only person left was the red-headed girl.
She wondered why everyone that she had ever known was dead.
It was going to be pretty lonely.
However, she would be reunited with them shortly.
The dog approached her.
"Hey Snoopy. At least you're still alive..." noted the red-haired girl. Why did her friends all die in such bizarre ways? Well, admittedly Patty and Marcy's deaths weren't so bizarre. However, she was surprised that they actually weren't lesbians.
Since Charlie Brown loved her so much, Snoopy showed her a picture of Charlie Brown...naked.
The red-haired girl's head exploded.
"Hooray! I killed everyone!" shouted Snoopy.
To be honest, he wasn't sure what to do from there. Maybe he could invade other comic strips and start killing the characters there. Maybe he could force-feed Garfield lasagna until he exploded.
For now, he would celebrate.
He began to dance happily.
Suddenly, a holy light shined on Snoopy.
"Huh?" asked the wicked dog.
He then realized what was going on.
"Oh crap! I've killed so many people that God himself is going to kill me!" shouted Snoopy.
Sure enough, he was vaporized by the holy light. It was excruciatingly painful.
Snoopy was sent to the darkest depths of Hell for his horrific acts against humanity, especially his former friends. He would stay there forever.
As for his former friends, they were all sent to Heaven. Yes, even Lucy.
And the Kite Eating Tree...he had all the kites that he could ever eat...though he couldn't eat Charlie's anymore.
THE END.
You're probably happy that Snoopy didn't get away with murder. I know that Perry did but I figured that maybe Snoopy was a bit more evil. He murdered a cop!
A moment for silence for everyone that was killed by Snoopy.