Levi was staring at himself in the mirror, his mind in a place that Erwin was well familiar with and could understand.
They suffered casualties again. The dark circles under Levi's eyes had deepened a little more. The expression he held as he inspected his reflection was dark, hollow, and void of emotion. They had suffered casualties again and yet there wasn't a scratch on him.
"Why," he said, not so much a question as it was a quiet and futile plea.
It started raining on their way back and they were both drenched, soaked to the bone. After they had removed their wet, muddied gear, Erwin raised no objections when Levi took his time meticulously folding each piece. Everything was going to have to be washed so there was no point to it, but he moved as if possessed, wordlessly folding each article until he had everything arranged in a neat stack.
Erwin felt compelled to respond, even if he wasn't looking for an answer.
"Because you're a good soldier."
Something changed in Levi's expression for an instant that was quick enough to miss. "The others were good soldiers, too," he said. His hands hung limply at his sides. His fingers twitched. After a moment, he brought one of them up to his forehead and release a small, uneasy laugh. "It's... It's like this every time. I can't start asking why or else I'll just go in circles forever. I know that."
Levi was right. He shouldn't have said anything. It was just, Erwin wished that he could find an answer that would satisfy him, even if he knew there were no answers for why their comrades died, no reason behind the atrocities they faced. It was times like this when he just really wished that he could find a way to make the world feel a little less cruel.
It was something he fought for every day, but this was a selfish wish with a selfish motivation. If he could make the world a peaceful place, more than for anyone else, even himself, he wished it to be that way for Levi. He felt horrible for feeling that way. When there was no reason to be found, the only conclusion that he could come to was that he was responsible for the lives that they lost and yet.
He felt relieved. Happy, even. Because Levi was alive.
Levi wouldn't think so. He would vehemently disagree. He would make any excuse he had to to save him from guilt because he was only thing he had that felt like warmth to him in their cold world.
When Levi looked at him, there was no light in his eyes, just an endless desperation. He held out his hand for him and Erwin approached until he was close enough for Levi to wrap his arms around. As if made by the hands of some considerate creator, Levi was just the right height to rest his head over his chest.
Ear pressed above his heart, Levi gave a small gasp, his eyes widening for an instant. It was like he'd been in a trance until that moment. The vitality under his fingers awakened something in him that made his face twist, rending the mask of indifference he so carefully constructed. It was always like this, only varying in severity each time. The mask would dent, chip, crack, and shatter at last, and then he would have to build himself a new one before the sun came up.
Erwin was the only one who ever saw him without it.
He didn't look back down, but he knew what kind of face to expect from him. Levi's arms slowly slipped away and by the time he lifted his head, he'd schooled his face back into indifference. In a way, it was hard to look at, but Erwin knew that he could only look that way with great effort. Just like he said, he was strong. If he were anything less, he would have quit a long time ago.
Gently, he brushed his fingers over the side of Levi's cheek, smirking faintly when he held them up for him to see how much dirt they came away with. He frowned and rubbed at his face and was bewildered when rubbing at it did nothing but spread it around. The events following their return all happened in a daze and Erwin looked forward to nothing more than to pull off his heavy boots and rid himself of all the dirt and rain water that dried on his skin with a shower. In his current state, he wanted Levi to come with him, if only so he could keep an eye on him. He didn't want to leave him alone with his thoughts.
Levi's thin fingers closed around his wrist as he led him back toward the shower. They stepped inside and Levi blindly reached an arm behind himself to turn on the water. The hot spray went right over Levi's head and hit Erwin directly in the face and, for the first time since before they left, he gave a genuine laugh. But the way that Levi looked up at him was like he'd never heard a laugh before in his life, his mouth slightly agape.
He found the bar of soap along the wall and placed it in Levi's hand. He was disconnecting himself from everything, even his senses, but he knew what to do with a bar of soap. Cleaning gave him focus, a purpose, to make something shine in their world where there were dark clouds and blood and large, gnashing teeth. He could make something beautiful. Even if it was something small, it gave him control over something.
His eyes saw nothing but the dirt on his skin as his hand dragged the bar of soap across Erwin's chest. He felt nothing save for the glimmer of satisfaction he gleaned each time he rinsed away grey soap suds to uncover clean skin underneath. He craved it like a drug, a remedy for reality. The way he worked was hypnotizing and Erwin felt himself slowly relaxing into a blissful state of unawareness. When Levi finished with his chest, he turned him around and began working on his back, smoothing his hands over his shoulders, working out the tension in his neck. Occasionally, he stepped to the side to let the water hit the places it wouldn't reach when he was in the way to have the water carry the suds away.
At last, Levi put his hands on his arms and turned him back around to face him. His eyes scoured his entire body from head to toe and when he looked up at him, Erwin noticed with no small amount of relief that the life had finally returned to his eyes. Clutching the soap in one hand, he placed his other palm against his chest and sighed. It was like he was admiring his work and whatever he saw seemed to please him.
"Good," he observed, his voice soft and distant. The real Levi still hadn't returned one hundred percent, but he was making his way back. His wet hair clung to his forehead and there was dirt still on his face, above the bridge of his nose, splattered across his cheek, but Erwin thought he looked perfect. Just having him there, breathing, was good to him.
"Here," he said, holding out his hand. Levi looked down and it seemed to take him a few moments to realize what he was asking him to do. Once the soap was placed in his hand, Erwin rubbed it between his palms to lather them up. Levi grimaced when he first touched his soapy hands to his face, but gradually relaxed into his touch, even tilting his head to lean into it more. He made sure to cover every part and then touched his shoulder to get him to lean back into the water to wash it away. He sputtered and swiped his thumbs over his eyes to clear them and was caught off guard when he opened them to find Erwin's face a hair's breadth away from his.
Their lips met and Levi allowed his eyes to close again as he leaned forward to accept his kiss. Erwin wrapped his arms around his shoulders, the bar of soap still loosely held in his left hand. He kissed him slowly, desperately, and reached up to tangle his fingers in his hair just to feel him there. Soon, his hands were all over him again, touching, begging for more contact. They slid their tongues over each other, neither of them holding back the quiet moans that slipped between their mouths.
Their chests were both rising and falling rapidly by the time they separated, and by the look of it, Levi didn't want to stop. Erwin tugged gently on his wrist to get him to release the fingers that he had buried in his hair and then turned him around.
"I didn't finish," he said by way of explanation. He reached around to Levi's front and scrubbed the soap across his chest and applied his lips to the back of his neck. With each kiss, with each lazy movement his hand made with the soap, Levi seemed to relax more and more until Erwin worried that he might fall asleep or pass out standing up. Carefully, he wrapped an arm around his waist to hold him up, but the position drew them closer together, to the point where he knew it would be impossible for Levi to not feel him pressing against his backside.
He would have felt more guilty to be aroused in their current situation if he weren't aware that Levi was also in a similar state. His chest and neck were both very sensitive areas and his skin grew a few shades redder as Erwin exploited those two weaknesses. Unsure what to do with his hands, Levi placed them on the wall in front of him and let the water pour down his neck as he leaned forward. Erwin's hands slid down his sides to the delicate curve of his hip, his teeth leaving little marks along his neck as he tentatively traced his fingers over Levi's lower stomach.
"Erwin," he said, just loud enough to hear above the patter of the shower, his voice and shoulders shaking.
Erwin took him loosely in his hand and rubbed himself between the cleft of his backside. He leaned a little closer and dropped the soap off at the side of the shower to free his hand so that he could comfortably reposition his arm around his waist. It felt so good already, just like this, to know that he was there, that Levi was safe and in his embrace, but he wanted more. He wanted to feel him all over, from the inside, to hear him and taste him.
He grabbed Levi's jaw and turned it up for another kiss, far rougher than the one before. Levi's fingers scrabbled weakly against the slick wall tiles and Erwin tightened his hold around him. "Got you," he panted against his mouth, letting the hand at his jaw drop to clutch his hip. "I... I have you."
"Erwin, please," Levi begged. There was a note in his voice that scared him a little. When Levi repeated his name, he knew what it was.
He wasn't the only one who felt this way. If Levi lost him, who would there be to remember him?
He gently nudged his nose against Levi's neck and took a breath. "I'm really here." He smiled against his skin. The laugh he gave sounded a little hysterical to his own ears, but he couldn't help but feel glad. It may have been selfish but he was so, so glad.
The shaking in Levi's shoulders slowly turned into small, hiccuping laughs of his own. He rubbed his eyes and glanced behind himself to give Erwin a lopsided smile. His heart twisted. Something primal and protective awoke in him.
He heard Levi chuckle under his breath as he positioned himself behind him. It was going to be a bit rough but he didn't think that either of them were in the mood to care at the moment. Levi relaxed himself, making the first thrust easier than expected. He slid in as far as was comfortable and followed with another few short thrusts that drove him in deeper. At the point that he worked himself in completely, he waited. Even though his body begged him to move, he wanted to make sure that he didn't hurt him.
Levi sighed quietly with his eyes closed and arched his back to push his hips back against him, silently telling him to continue. "Please, Erwin," he said again, his hands curling into fists against the wall. Even now, he could tell that there were things he wanted to say, but something prevented him; a need to distance himself from sentimentality, perhaps.
Erwin covered one of his hands with his palm and threaded his fingers with Levi's. He kissed along his neck to his jaw and lightly brushed his lips against his ear. "I'll give you whatever you want. Anything. I..." He squeezed his hand. There were words on the tip of his tongue that he was sure he would regret. They were things he didn't have the luxury to say, that carried too much weight for two people who were already carrying the world on their shoulders.
There were other ways to say it.
He stroked his hand over Levi's hip, dipping his fingers a little lower to loosely encircle the base of his cock. "Go on," he said. He knew that he was supporting him now, so he didn't have to worry about holding himself up. Levi slowly wrapped his fingers around himself and gasped as Erwin once again began to move. The water was going to run cold before long, but he wanted to take his time with him. Something told him that neither of them would last very long like this anyway.
Levi closed his eyes and he rocked back against him as he languidly stroked himself. He looked so relaxed – tired, but relaxed. He wasn't going to forget what happened anytime soon, but Erwin wanted him there with him, in the moment. That moment was all that had to exist. For as long as they stood together, feeling each other's skin, tasting each other's sweat, breathing the same damp air, they existed in a closed space where all that mattered was that they were there.
When Levi started to take a quicker pace, he knew that he was close. He could feel it too, knew that he wouldn't be able to hang on for much longer, but that was alright. Levi's knees were growing a little weaker, wobbling with the effort to keep himself up at a comfortable level for Erwin's thrusts, but as long as Erwin was there behind him, he wasn't going to let him slip. When he brought his lips back to Levi's throat and bit down on his skin, he felt him shudder and heard him release a choked, restrained cry. His fist didn't slow, jerking himself faster as he rode it out to the very last.
Erwin continued to kiss along every inch of skin he could find and Levi sighed appreciatively. He could tell that Levi was even more tired now and he would've been alright to pull out and finish on his own, but it seemed that Levi was intent on helping. He untangled his hand from Erwin's and turned it around so they held hands palm-to-palm, then moved his other hand behind him to loosely hold Erwin's hip. His eyes opened only briefly, then closed again as he relaxed against him, looking content to stay there forever as long as he could feel him.
The quiet, pleased sounds he made as he pushed into him were what finally did it. His fingers gripped his hip with enough force to leave marks when he gave his final thrust and from behind the pleasant haze clouding his senses, he could hear more of Levi's sweet moans. He pulled out slowly and released him, only to wrap his arms around him a moment later once they were both able to stand straight again.
Rivulets of water ran down the contours of Levi's face, dripped down his chin to his chest, and traveled down to the drain. No dirt remained.
Levi turned off the water but they remained in place, reluctant to leave each other's embrace. However, once Erwin realized how tired Levi looked, he knew they couldn't stand there forever. He gently released him and led him out, and Levi allowed him to towel him off.
Like many other nights following an excursion, they returned missing many things. Surrounded by so much uncertainty, he couldn't be sure whether he would be next. But as Erwin layed down to sleep that night, as Levi tucked his head against his chest, he chose to appreciate the moment as if it were their last.