Title: Two men and a baby… and a poltergeist
Author: De Duchess
Fandom: Supernatural
Season: irrelevant
Prompt: Sam and Dean taking care of a baby
Disclaimer: I do not own anything… at all. Not even a little bit. Just playing in Kripke's sandbox.
This is pure crack. Be warned.
Author's note: This is a repost of a fic I posted in my journal. I was prompted to write a fic by wizened cynic after she wrote a new instalment in her SPN AU for me.
Dedication: For Cyn, who manages to take Lorelai and Alex and not only make them twins, but gets them adopted by Sam and Dean. And then they grow up and become hunters themselves and kick major ass. (And Ellen and Bobby make occasional appearances and so do Jo and Ash.)
I may not have an OTP but they are my OTF (one true family). May this AU never end....
Sam breathed in. Slowly. He counted to ten. In English and then in Spanish and then in Latin for good measure.
"Dean."
"Shh."
Sam considered counting again, but the past thirty seconds hadn't really accomplished anything. "Dean, we can't,-"
"Shh!" Dean hissed.
"Dean! Will you think about this?!" Sam said.
A loud wail sounded through the kitchen and Dean straightened. "Great job Sammy." He said as the wail turned into outright crying. "You upset the baby."
Sam frowned down at the baby, sitting in the leaning chair perched on the kitchen table. "She shouldn't even be here Dean." He said.
"Uh huh." Dean mumbled as he unbuckled the baby and lifted her out of her chair. He turned around and pushed her into Sam's chest. "Here, hold her."
"What, -"
"I had her all calm and smiling and then you had to be all loud and grumpy. You get her to stop crying."
Sam looked down at the baby in his arms who was staring up at him with reproachful eyes, angry red blotches on her cheeks. "Dean, we need to get her out of here."
The little girl let out a loud sob and Dean glared at him from where he stood pouring milk into her bottle at the counter. "We can't. So will you make her stop crying? Do the bouncing thing or something."
"The bouncing thing?" Sam repeated incredulously.
Dean shook his head. "I thought you were supposed to be good with kids?" he snorted.
Sam glowered at him. "Do you have any idea how much of a terrible idea this is? This could quite possibly be your worst idea ever. And that's in a long, spiraling line of stupid."
Dean swepped his arm through the kitchen. "I got us into the house didn't I?"
"Yeah by insinuating that we were the babysitters and now we have an infant to take care of!" Sam hissed.
Dean shrugged. "We're inside the house, the parents are gone for the next few hours… what more do you want?"
"Uhm, how about not having a nine month old baby in a house with an angry poltergeist?" Sam said.
"Where's your sense of adventure Sam?" Dean asked as he put the bottle on the table.
"It's hanging out with your common sense." Sam told him with a dark look. "We need to get her out of here, it's not safe."
Dean rummaged through his backpack and pulled out the EMF meter. "Sam, I have a long list of charges against me, most of them false, some of them true, all of them unfounded. I don't want to add a legitimate kidnapping charge to it. Not to mention, I seem to have left my baby seat in the other car." He snorted as he shook his head.
Sam clenched his jaw as he sat down, shifting the little girl so he could feed her. "We have a poltergeist Dean. How do you suggest we watch a baby and purify the house?"
Dean smirked. "We're not going to have to. I'm going to purify the house while you stay inside the salt circle." And with that he took off out the kitchen before Sam could hurl the bottle at him.
Sam looked down at the little girl who was clearly still unhappy with him and sighed. "If he gets killed, I have no idea how to explain it to your parents."
~*~
The fact that little Serena was sleeping contently in his arms was the only reason that Sam didn't smack the smug look off Dean's face.
"Piece of cake!" Dean grinned.
Sam raised an eyebrow as he took in his brother's appearance. He was covered in dust, his shirt was torn at the left shoulder with dried blood seeping through and he suspected there were several bruises covering his body that matched the one beginning to form on his left temple.
If that hadn't been a dead give away though, the sounds coming from the basement for the past half hour surely would've tipped him off. The sound of someone being tossed around and Dean's cursing in particular had made him wince.
"Great job Dean." He said sarcastically. "Did you demolish the rest of the house too or just the basement?"
Dean shrugged as he walked to the sink and wet a few paper towels. "The house is spirit free. I think a few broken windows are worth it."
"Right. And what are we going to tell the Tylers when they get back from dinner? 'Hey we know your house is a mess and your basement is now just a pit, but your daughter finished her bottle and slept through the exorcism?'"
"I was going to go for something a bit more neutral myself, but that could work." Dean said.
Sam groaned. "Dean, you do realise that this is the part where we usually get the Hell out of dodge right? Except now we can't because you had the brilliant plan of pretending to be the babysitters!"
"And you're doing a great job Sam. Really, you're a natural." He grinned.
Sam clenched his jaw. "Destruction of private property, reckless endangerment, trespassing." He recited.
The baby stirred in his arms and sputtered softly and Dean paused wiping at his face. "The baby doesn't like it when you complain Sam." Dean told him. "She's telling you to stop fussing and admit that my plan worked."
Sam wrinkled his nose as the reality of the situation set in. "Actually Dean, I think she's saying that she needs to be changed. And since you seem to be on a roll tonight at being awesome, I think you're more then up to the task."
Dean shook his head resolutely. "No, that's okay Sam, you two seem to have bonded."
Serena opened her eyes and kicked her legs as she started to cry. Sam got up and walked over to Dean, who tried to back away but only managed to retreat up to the counter.
"Dean, clearly, she doesn't like me. And as you pointed out earlier, she likes you best." He handed over the baby with a smug grin as Dean turned his face away.
"Oh wow. That's nasty." Dean muttered as he held her arms length.
Sam patted Dean on the arm. "I'm sure you're up to the task." He told him.
"Hey, where are you going?" Dean demanded, as Sam turned around.
"To check if there's anyway to salvage the house. Or at the very least think of a plausible reason as to what happened."
Dean glared at him as Sam ducked out of the kitchen and grimaced as Serena once again wailed.
"Yeah hold on a sec." He muttered as he shuffled over to the table and put her into her seat. "Where's the Holy Water?" he mumbled and began rummaging through their packs.
Sam looked around the living room and winced. The windows were either shattered or cracked and half the furniture was overturned. He could move everything back into place, but there was no way he could fix the windows. Or the glass doors to the cabinets, or the picture frames on the mantle. And was pretty sure the carpet had been a lighter shade of grey.
"Way to go Dean." He muttered.
He made his way to the basement door and sighed. The door was propped against the wall rather then on its hinges and blackened in some places and outright charred in others. Sam glanced down the steps and saw that the same was true for the stairs. The basement itself was in even worse shape if possible. There was still some smoke and as he craned his neck to get a glimpse, he could see broken pieces of wood that he suspected might have been a rocking chair at some point.
Light passed by the window as a car pulled up the driveway and Sam blanched.
"Dean!"
"A little busy here Sammy." Came the irritated reply and Sam shook his head as he quickly ran back to the kitchen.
"They're back." He told him.
"Who?" Dean mumbled.
"Who do you think Dean?!" Sam exclaimed.
The front door banged open. "What the Hell happened here!"
Dean looked up. "Uh oh."
"Ya think?" Sam mocked.
"Serena!" Mrs. Tyler called out.
"Kitchen!" Dean answered and Sam whirled around.
"What are you doing? Are you crazy?" He hissed.
"What do you suggest we do Sam, leave the baby on the table and climb out the window?" Dean hissed back.
"I was thinking of using the side door actually." Sam retorted and the kitchen door swung open.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Tyler exclaimed as she rushed in.
Dean lifted Serena up off the table with a disarming smile. "She's fine. Just changed her." He said proudly.
Mrs. Tyler took Serena from him and cooed at her while Mr. Tyler glared at both of them. "Would you mind telling me what happened to my house?" he demanded.
"Well you see sir, that's a funny story,-" Sam began.
"There was something in the basement." Dean cut in and Sam snapped his mouth closed.
Mrs. Tyler froze and glanced at her husband as he cleared his throat. "I don't know what you're talking about." He said.
Dean nodded as his smiled melted away to be replaced by a hard look. "Something making noise, making the lights flicker, the coffee table move around, the doors rattle." He looked between the
Tylers. "Something you never see, can't explain, but whenever you walk by that basement door the hair on the back of your neck stands up. Right?"
"What do you know about that?" Mrs. Tyler asked quietly.
Dean turned to look at her for a long moment before he broke out into a grin. "Took care of it! You don't have to worry, everything should be fine. Although you'll have to fix a few windows." He shrugged. "Occupational hazard."
Sam stared at him in disbelief as the Tylers tried to process what Dean had told him. Finally he shook his head and clamped a hand around Dean's arm.
"And now that that's taken care of and you guys are home we'll just be going." He grabbed their packs and started to drag Dean out of the kitchen as the Tylers blinked in confusion.
"Wait!" Mrs. Tyler called out as she followed after them. "The agency called to apologize for not managing to find a replacement babysitter, that's why we came home early." She looked between them. "Who are you guys?"
Sam and Dean exchanged a look as they considered how to answer that when Mr. Tyler stepped out of the kitchen to stand by his wife. He was holding Dean's sawed off and Sam winced.
"Oh uh, that's mine." Dean said sheepishly as he reached out and took the gun from him.
"You had a gun around my daughter?" Mr. Tyler asked evenly.
Dean paused. "There was evil in your house. It's gone now." He told him.
"You guys are crazy." Mr. Tyler declared as he put an arm around his wife.
Sam frowned. "Evil in the basement." He reminded him. "And the gun wasn't anywhere near her, we kept her in the kitchen the whole time."
Mr. Tyler opened his mouth to argue when his wife bumped her hip into him. When he glanced over at her she softly shook her head. "Thank you." She told them.
They nodded as Mr. Tyler crossed his arms. Quickly they left the house and hurried over to the impala.
"How long do you think before he calls the cops?" Sam asked.
"Two, three minutes?" Dean guessed as he turned on the car.
"You just had to leave your gun lying around didn't you." Sam told him.
"Hey, I was the one that won them over! I didn't hear you offering any explanations." Dean retorted.
"Because there wasn't one!"
"The truth shall set you free Sam." Dean grinned.
"Dean." Sam said calmly. "If you ever, imply we are babysitters again or manage to somehow get us saddled up with a kid to take care of while on a job, I will tell every single girl we meet that you're gay."
Dean turned to look at him in horror. "That's just cruel Sam."
"Gay and celibate."
"I hate you."
~END
*Head desk*
I don't even know.