AN:I still have a lot of feels about the season 9 finale. Even though Dean is alive and were 10 episodes into season 10 I still get sad every time I think about it and I bet Sam does too.
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water, I do
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet underground, now I, now I do
~Linkin Park, The Little Things Give You Away
No one can ever understand. Watching your brother die was hard enough. Watching the love of your life die in your arms was worse. Their life bleeding out over your arms, their skin turning pale, while all you can do is cry for your loss.
"What happened with you being okay with this?"
The pleading, begging for them to answer you.
"I lied."
The realization when they don't reply that they're gone. Cradling their head against your chest, wishing you could see those beautiful green eyes filled with life just one last time. Wishing you could tell him how much you truly appreciate him and love him.
"Ain't that a bitch."
No matter how many times Dean has died, it always had the same affect on Sam, always will. Dean would do anything for him. Sam wanted to show Dean that even after the arguing and anger, he still loved Dean and wanted him. Sam wants to apologize for his anger. He wants to apologize for being angry at Dean. He now understood why Dean had Gadreel possess him without his consent. He would do the same for Dean. He would do anything just to get his brother back. His soulmate.
The desperation, grief, whisky, longing and about an ocean depth of love is why Sam didn't hesitate when he tried to summon Crowley and make a deal with him. Sam spent nearly 200 years in the cage with two pissed off arch angels. He could handle an eternity of Hell. As long as Dean is alive, safe, and happy. He'd do whatever it takes to get Dean back. That's what brothers are for. That's what love is all about; sacrifices for one another.
That's why Sam kicked the bowl and knocked over the alter in frustration an hour later when Crowley still wasn't answering. Sam let the tears slip out of his eyes. No use in holding them in. There was no one to see them.
Sam left the hated room, ready to make a few calls to a certain angel and beg him to help bring Dean back, when he walked by Dean's room and knew something was wrong.
The door was closed.
When Sam laid Dean down, he left it open. He left it open so when he walked by it, he could poke his head in and see if Dean would open his eyes, yell "gotcha" and jump out of bed. He knew it was childish but he just wanted to believe Dean was really alive and just pulling a cruel joke. He wanted to believe Dean was just showing Sam how he would've felt if Sam had died.
The empty room was bad enough. The hastily scribbled note with the words "Sammy let me go," added to the waterfall of pain and guilt and grief sliding past his cheeks. It was left on Dean's bed, the bed they would spend countless hours in together. Mostly, they made love in it, but sometimes Dean would lay Sam on top of him, holding Sam and running his hands through Sam's long hair. Sam lived for those moments. The moments they could relax and be together, and no words needed to be said.
But, once or twice, Dean broke the silence. He kissed the top of Sam's head and muttered the words Sam craved to hear.
"I love you baby boy."
Dean-if it really was Dean- should've known sending a message telling Sam to let him go was futile.
He should've known Sam would do anything to get his brother, his best friend-his soulmate- back.
No matter what the costs.
Important:
I am still writing my SPN&DW crossover but I am attempting at writing smut and it is a lot harder than I thought it would be so I am sort of procrastinating (but I am almost done with it) and I am in the process of writing a longer fanfic as well. Not to mention on my other non slash account I am planning on continuing a chapter fic I leave on hiatus almost as long as Sherlock. I may also write a couple of SPN&OUAT crossovers and more SPN&TWD (and I'll probably write some of those crossovers with Wincest on here). This will be a busy year for me (especially since I have to plan on what I want to do with my life after school) but I will try my best to update often and write more.