Kidding Around, a Detective Conan/Magic Kaito one-shot.
Note: This is a bit canon divergent, so don't expect every piece of info to match canon, okay? Also, Kaito can lie with a straight face.
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"Aren't you going to invite me in, Kaito?"
It takes quite a bit of poker face on his part not to gape. Poker face, poker face, he reminds himself. The last time that he and Kudō Shinichi ‒ high-school detective and hailed as the Sherlock Holmes of the Heisei era ‒ had met face to face had been at the funeral of Kaito's father, Kuroba Tōichi. Shinichi's mother, Kudō Yukiko, had been taught the art of disguise from the man and had turned up with her family to pay their respects.
Now, eight years after the fact, Kudō Shinichi turns up on his doorstep, a bit out of the blue but not really; they had after all had a quite close encounter just the other night, at the latest heist.
"What are you doing here, Shin-chan?" Kaito finally asks. His voice is light but by no means devoid of accusation. The other had fired shots at him after all, so inviting them into his humble abode hardly seemed like such a brilliant idea.
A decidedly exasperated look crosses the detective's face. "I've heard Chikage-san's in Paris right now. And I've also heard that you live next door to Inspector Nakamori…"
Shinichi trails off, turning his head slightly in direction of said inspector's house. Recognising the veiled threat, Kaito finally gestures for the other to enter.
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"Green tea or black tea or coffee?"
"Coffee, please."
"Sugar or no sugar? Milk?"
"Plain's fine."
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"So," Shinichi finally asks, sipping his coffee. "Why is it that you're moonlighting as a thief nowadays anyway? I'm not here to arrest you or anything; burglary's not my division so to say."
From across the kitchen table, Kaito shoots the other a look, wordlessly stirring the contents of his own cup. "Hoh? Then why were you out there last night?" he finally asks.
"Curiosity for the most part." Shinichi puts his coffee aside and his elbows onto the table, braiding his fingertips before using them as a support for his chin as he stares thoughtfully at Kaito, who in turn keeps up his poker face. "You see, I couldn't help but notice the peculiar correlation between your father's death and the disappearance of the Kaitō Kid…"
Poker face, poker face. Kaito mimics the other's posture. Physically, they're alike enough already so the renewed symmetry ought to prove unnerving to the other, allowing Kaito to make another bid for higher ground. "Then why are you here, and not over at Inspector Nakamori's place?"
It's actually a perfectly valid question, all things considered. Shinichi however just sighs, leaning back into the chair whilst keeping his hands on the table, fingers interlinked now rather than braided. Kaito waits.
"Because I'm not here to stop you."
Kaito is decidedly confused. "Then why are you here, Detective-san?"
Shinichi wordlessly picks up his coffee, sipping and definitely taking his time whilst Kaito keeps impatient watch on the situation, trying to gauge it. Kaito prefers to be the one surprising people after all. In the end, it's a question of whether one has control over the situation or not, and right now, the ball's definitely not in his side of the court and Kaito has every intention to do something about that. But‒
"I'm here to find out why."
Okay? "You could be doing that somewhere else though."
Surprisingly, Shinichi agrees. "I could've, but I figured it'd be much quicker to get it straight from the source."
Kaito takes a sip out of his own beverage, considering his options. "If I, hypothetically speaking, gave you that info… what would you do with it?"
Actually, he is curious. It is a highly dangerous gamble, but with the Phantom Thief business already kind of out of the bag and Shinichi's announcement that he isn't particularly interested in putting an end to it, Kaito figures that he generally has very little to lose.
Shinichi puts the coffee aside. "Well, that depends obviously. Tell me why you're moonlighting as a thief."
Well… "If I hypothetically told you, what would I get out of the deal?"
Shinichi doesn't hesitate. "You'll get my assistance."
Poker face, poker face. "But you're a detective?"
He receives a mild shrug in response. "I'm a high-school detective specialising in murder cases. What about it?"
"But," Kaito insists. "De-tec-tive."
Shinichi scoffs at him. "Just because I help solve crimes doesn't mean that I'm completely rigid about following laws. That's not to say that I strive to go around breaking them or anything, but one might say that I'm more concerned with upholding the spirit of the law rather than the letter of it."
Poker face or not, Kaito momentarily finds himself stunned or possibly even humbled. Moments later, he regains his bearings. "This isn't just a game, you know? It's dange‒"
"Of course it's dangerous," Shinichi cuts him off, deadpan. "I could gather that much myself from the rumours about snipers attending your Blue Birthday heist."
Oh. "Well… rumours can be exaggerated?"
Shinichi levels him with a decidedly exasperated look. "But there is only one truth… and I'm here to hear it."
It honestly pains him, but Kaito has to admit that he's been cornered, cornered yes but not defeated, or is he? He slouches at the mere thought. "I honestly don't know where to start."
Shinichi folds his arms across his chest, his gaze unwavering. "Take your time."
Truth to be told, Kaito isn't quite sure as to how to proceed. For once in his life, he has been caught unprepared and without an array of useful alternate plans in the back of his mind. Frankly, it's more than just a bit unsettling, unsettling and also novel in a sense, Kaito privately supposes.
"It wasn't an accident, was it? Tōichi-san, I mean?"
Numbly, he shakes his head.
"And those people at the Blue Birthday heist are somehow involved?"
Kaito laughs. It's a somewhat hollow sound. "They thought I was him, wondered how I'd survived, shot me."
"You were shot?"
Kaito gestures to the area above his heart, pulling aside his shirt to show off the fading bruise. "Bulletproof vest; it still hurt though."
Shinichi asks about whether or not the organisation was involved in Kuroba Tōichi's death. Kaito doesn't answer; Kaito doesn't need to answer.
"Do you know why?"
Yep.
"Does it have anything to do with you stealing jewels all over the place at full moon?"
"You've already got a theory, don't you?" Kaito smiles tiredly behind the rim of the coffee cup, because Shinichi's the clever sort.
"I think you're looking for something: a particular stone of some sort."
"Pandora," Kaito helpfully supplies, putting the coffee aside once more.
"Pandora?"
"The Pandora Gem." Kaito shrugs mildly. "According to Snake and those guys, it's supposed to possess some mythical power and cry tears that grant immortality or something. I know it's not up your alley, but they're certainly looking for it and willing to do just about anything to get it."
Shinichi's sceptical frown lightens slightly before deepening. "You think that they killed Tōichi-san for the stone?"
"I've pretty much confirmed that they killed him because he wouldn't let them have it."
There, now he's said it. Now, to see what the other makes of it.
"So you're looking for the hypothetically mystical stone with supposedly magical powers," Shinichi eventually concludes. "What do you intend to do with it, should you get hold of it at some point?"
Kaito doesn't hesitate; he smiles. "Destroy it, obviously."
Shinichi remains unconvinced. "And why is it that you do this all dressed in white on moonlit nights, standing out like a sore thumb?"
Ouch. "I'm trying to drag them out into the open. Also, you need moonlight to confirm if it's the real stone or not."
"At this rate, you'll no doubt get yourself killed within the year."
Again, ouch. "I've managed so far, Shin-chan."
"You've been lucky, I suppose."
Kaito's smile sharpens. "Lucky and skilled, thank you very much."
"But not skilled enough to keep a detective like me off of your tracks."
Someone's definitely throwing shade around. Kaito scoffs. "I've already got one nosy detective in my life. I hardly need another."
"I take it that you've met Hakuba-san then?"
"We're in the same class, so…"
"He's suspecting you, isn't he?"
No shit, Sherlock. "Probably, but what proof does he have?"
Shinichi shoots him a pointed look. Kaito stares right back, minding his poker face.
Shinichi's cell phone rings.
Their impromptu staring contest continues.
"You should probably take that, Murder-Solving Detective-san."
Without breaking eye contact, Shinichi takes the call. "Ah, Inspector Megure. I'm over in Ekoda right now, but if you could send a car‒thanks, I'll see you then."
Retaining his poker face, Kaito is quietly relieved when Shinichi breaks eye contact and hangs up the phone with a sigh. "Busy day?"
Shinichi shoots him a mildly exasperated look, rising to his feet. "Nah, business as usual."
Kaito accompanies him to the door. "Shin-chan, about the moonlighting thing…"
"I know how to keep my mouth shut," Shinichi scoffs, pulling out a notebook. "Besides, it's not my division."
Hoh? "Gee, thanks."
Moments later, Kaito finds himself with a piece of paper in his hand, staring down at a bunch of numbers.
"My number," Shinichi elaborates, and a bit unnecessarily at that, as he puts his shoes back on.
"What for?" Kaito easily asks, not getting his hopes up beforehand.
Shinichi straightens. "In case you need assistance."
Kaito folds the piece of paper, smirking. "Is that an offer to go moonlighting with me?"
The detective waves dismissively, his other hand already on the door handle. "I'm not that fond of heights."
"Then what?" Kaito muses out loud, challenging him.
Shinichi offers up a mild shrug in response. "If a situation arises, then I'm sure that you'll figure something out. Nothing too acrobatic though; I've got mad soccer skills but I'm no acrobat."
Hoh? "And no magic either, I suppose?"
"If it's just parlour tricks, then I'm sure that I can manage."
Kaito actually grins at that. "Oh right, you're usually on the other side of things, huh?"
"Pretty much," Shinichi agrees, pressing down on the handle.
"Hey, Shin-chan?"
Shinichi's already out the door and halfway to the street as he pauses, turning his head to watch Kaito where he stands leaning against the doorframe. "Yeah, Kaito?"
"Thanks… for the offer, I mean."
He snorts. "Don't get yourself killed and I'll consider us even."
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Eventually, Shinichi's number proves rather useful.
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"Houston, we have a problem. Inspector Nakamori caught a glimpse of my face last night and he's been staring all suspiciously… And now Aoko's suddenly forcing me out on a date on Sunday, when I'm supposed to retrieve the gem at eight p.m. on that very same day!"
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Wordlessly, Shinichi moves to check his calendar. "In other words, you need to be in two places at once in order to prove your innocence."
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"Yeah, so?"
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"So, would I be willing to sacrifice my Sunday afternoon and evening to play your double?"
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"Well, would you?"
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The question hangs in the air for a moment, unanswered but not for long.
"I might need some help with the hair. Also, I could use some brush-up on my parlour tricks."
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"And your acting skills. Friday afternoon, are you free?"
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"Your house or mine?"
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"Your house or people might get suspicious. Wear a disguise."
He hums.
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"Not Pandora?"
"Nope."
"Well… at least Nakamori-san seemed pleased ‒ with the date, I mean."
"You better not have done anything weird."
"Rather, she seemed happy about the fact that I didn't do anything weird ‒ like flipping her skirt and whatnot…"
"And she didn't think that you were an imposter?"
"Nah. How about the Inspector?"
"I impersonated Aoko and made my getaway. You should've seen the look on his face. It was epic."
"I saw him raging afterwards; I think that's enough."
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Surprisingly yet also not so surprisingly, they make a good team. They can agree on this, even if it occasionally, in Shinichi's case, means spending Sunday afternoon and evening creating someone else's alibi. He is rather surprised at how well things turn out, all things considered.
Unsurprisingly though, there are still things that they find it more difficult to agree upon.
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"So, about my next heist…"
Shinichi shakes his head, insisting that he has no intention to break the law any more than absolutely necessary.
Kaito insists.
Shinichi points out that if they do it too often, then Hakuba might get suspicious.
Kaito relents, but not without releasing a longsuffering sigh. "Such a killjoy, Shin-chan, killjoy."
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One is a magician, moonlighting as a phantom thief.
The other is a part-time detective, specialising in murder cases.
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"So, you need assistance?"
"Advice."
"Advice, huh? Are we talking personal or professional advice?"
"Both."
"Should I come over?"
"An acquaintance of mine has a billiard parlour. I'll text you directions."
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One hunts jewels, the other crows.
One is hunted, the other soon will be.
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"Shin-chan…?"
"Don't laugh."
He doesn't. He drops down to one knee and hugs him instead. "So," he finally said, voice steady despite everything. "It must've been quite a date."
"Ugh, tell me about it."
There is no attempt to break out of the embrace. Kaito takes it as an invitation to hold on; to continue holding the childlike body against his own. "You seem to be taking this rather well."
"I'm alive as opposed to six feet under. It's something."
It is something, but it's not enough. "What happened?"
"I shadowed some shady-looking people, got caught, got poisoned, became like this."
"Shady-looking people?"
"Crows."
"Shin-chan, honestly…"
"Kaito, you moonlight as target practice for snipers at full moon; I don't need you to lecture me about safety, I've got Ran for that."
"Well, fat load of good that did you, eh?"
Shinichi actually chuckles at that, albeit dryly. "Well, I'm alive."
"Yes, but you could've gotten yourself killed, made Ran-san sad and made murder so much easier to get away with."
Shinichi concedes his point, tearing himself loose. "Coffee or tea?"
"Tea, and for you as well; coffee will stunt your growth."
"Oh, shut up!"
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In cooperation with his parents and Kaito, Shinichi spins a tale of undercover work and witness protection.
Mōri Ran misses Shinichi but she doesn't search for him, frustrated yet waiting patiently for him to make contact. In Shinichi's absence, she takes Conan to her heart and into her home, where he ‒ unbeknownst to her ‒ becomes her father's genius.
Kudō Shinichi still solves cases, even if he has to be a tad more discreet about it now. High-school detectives are one thing after all, and grade-school detectives another. And then there's the Detective Boys.
It's highly ironic, and Kaito laughs when he hears it and even more when he sees it, a de-aged Shinichi with a bunch of children in a tow. To Kaito, he looks like a suffering intellectual. It almost makes him want to snatch him up and whisk him away from it all and back to what's familiar, but he restrains himself and vows to keep in touch but out of the way.
Kuroba Kaito keeps in touch.
Edogawa Conan keeps going.
Kaitō Kid keeps stealing gems and dodging bullets from the shadows.
Kudō Shinichi keeps hiding in Conan's shadow, just as Conan hides in the shadow of the Sleeping Mōri Kogorō.
They still keep in touch, albeit only sporadically. Usually, it's just at heists that they see each other, have a bit of friendly competition and then part with no one the wiser but themselves. When there are no heists, modern technology enables them to communicate. They don't talk very often though; they're both very busy after all.
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Edogawa Conan is waiting for him at the Blue Parrot, Konosuke Jii's billiard parlour. Jii's polishing glasses, keeping an obvious eye out but not worriedly; he and Shinichi have already been introduced after all.
"So, you need assistance?"
"Yes."
Kaito joins him at the counter.
Wordlessly, Conan presents him with a USB-drive.
Equally wordlessly, Kaito receives it.
"I see that you've been keeping busy." Busy is an understatement. "But working with the FBI? And the CIA? Are you sure about this?"
"They've proved useful so far, and they're not gunning for you. They want to take down the Black Organisation, but in order to do so, they're in need of a major distraction."
A major distraction, eh? "In other words, you're telling me to act as bait?"
"Primarily as a decoy, but yes."
Kaito could refuse; Kaito has every reason to refuse. He has every right to refuse, yet he doesn't. He doesn't because it's his time to lend a hand for them to become even. "If they can secure a pardon for me, then I'm game."
"I'll get it arranged."
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"Is it done?"
"It's done."
"And the cure?"
"Haibara says it might work, but if it does, my immune system will be done with."
"And your heart?"
"That too."
"So you're not taking it?"
"It's not worth it."
"But what about Ran?"
"She'll know the truth. But it'll be her decision what to make of it."
"And the rest of the world?"
Conan considers it. "I've got a few ideas, and I'd like a bit of input."
Intrigued, Kaito leans forward.
Conan presents his idea.
Kaito is surprised, breaking poker face. "But won't that ruin your reputation? Like completely?"
Conan flashes him a grin in response.
Kaito wonders if he should feel worried or relieved. "Let's say that if I go along with it, what's in it for me?"
"Trolling Hakuba-san."
More like trolling everyone, actually. "If he figures it out, we'll never be hearing the end of it."
"True. But will it be worth it?"
It would. It most definitely would.
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It is with a strange kind of déjà vu that Kaito opens the door to find Kudō Shinichi on his doorstep, even if it's in the shape of cap-wearing, displeased-looking Conan with a backpack slung over his shoulder.
"Are you not going to invite me in, Kaito?"
Kaito recovers more quickly this time around, grinning. "Ran didn't take it too well then?"
"Ran took it well enough. Sonoko's the problem. Then there's also Hattori and Hakuba and Nakamori and‒"
"I'll go put the kettle on, so get your stuff upstairs."
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
They discuss their latest grievances over coffee, because whether coffee stunts growth or not, Conan's old enough to make his own decisions ‒ mentally, at any rate.
"Hattori's been harassing me with so many puns that I've had to turn my phone off."
"Puns?"
"He keeps sending pictures of the news with captions like 'Are you Kidding me?' and 'Stop Kidding around!' and stuff. He's definitely enjoying this."
Kaito hums thoughtfully, sipping his cappuccino. "Then, from one Kid to another, should we be equally childish and go prank him?"
Conan snorts softly. "I thought you'd pretty much retired?"
"From jewels, yes, but not from magic." Kaito grins. "How about me impersonating him and flirting with his not-girlfriend?"
"I wouldn't recommend it; they both know martial arts."
"Then what, De-tec-tive?"
Conan shoots him a pointed look asking "What are you, a child?"
In response, Kaito releases a longsuffering sigh. "Such a killjoy, Shin-chan, killjoy."
Doing the adult thing, Conan promptly ignores him.
Surprisingly yet also not so surprisingly, they make a good team. They can agree on this, even if it occasionally, in Kaito's case, means assisting a shrunken detective genius.
He is rather surprised at how well things turn out, once Pandora's found and destroyed and he can trade his life as a phantom thief for that of a detective's part-time assistant.
It's not a bad life, although obviously, it's far cry from anything that he would've expected. It keeps things interesting, at the very least.
"Hey, detective, come on. Let's do it."
"No."
There's obvious room for improvement, but isn't there always?
There's also a new temporary antidote held between Conan's index finger and thumb, courtesy of Conan's equally shrunken scientist friend. "I've got a better idea."
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"Aren't you going to invite us in, Hattori?"
Hattori Heiji looks stricken, attention flickering between the two people at his front door. "There's bloody two of you."
The phrase "No shit, Sherlock" seems oddly appropriate for the occasion, but as if reading Kaito's mind somehow, Shinichi kicks him in the shin before he can utter it aloud. Apparently, Shinichi just so happens to find it somewhat blasphemous. Oh well.
"Professor Agasa seems to have invented a cloning machine. There was a small accident."
Heiji looks to be holding his breath. "You're kidding me."
In perfect synchronicity, Kaito and Shinichi exchange a seemingly puzzled look before returning their attention to Heiji who remains sceptical but is beginning to look a bit doubtful. "You're kidding me, right? Right?"
Kaito finally cracks up, and it distracts the Osakan just long enough for Shinichi to reach out and flick him right in the forehead. "Of course we're kidding. We're just Kids after all."
Heiji's reaction is definitely mixed, mortified yet strangely excited. "Please tell me you're doing this to Hakuba next."
Kaito and Shinichi exchange a look. "We've only got a few more hours and he's in England."
"We can do it over Skype," Heiji immediately suggests. "With a third Kid in the bunch."
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"Aren't you going to invite me in, Kuroba-kun?"
Kuroba Kaito knows that he shouldn't be surprised to find Hakuba Saguru on his doorstep, so he isn't. He isn't terribly pleased about the fact though. "That solely depends on if you're planning on accusing me on matters that have already been settled, you know?"
Saguru points stubbornly in direction of the Nakamori residence. With a sigh, Kaito admits him into his home.
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"Green tea or black tea or coffee?"
"Black tea, please."
"Sugar or no sugar? Milk?"
"Sugar, milk and an explanation, please?"
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To Kaito, it would seem as though the circle is never-ending. Or maybe it has just gone full circle?
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"Kaitō Kid."
"Nakamori-san, it's Kaito and not Kaitō. Also, I believe that you've got the wrong house."
"You've got some explaining to do."
"Gee, will you at least wait until the coffee's ready? I can only be in one place at the time."
"And call your accomplice while you're at it!"
"Honestly…"
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Or maybe it had already gone full circle and now opts for a bit of repetition?
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"So, you need assistance? Again?"
"Again. Nakamori's harassing me."
"Are we talking personal or legal harassment?"
"Both."
"Should I come over?"
"Please do."
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