What if the people in the Lord of the Rings had had a script and a vehicle and characters started acting uncharacteristic? Well...
Half a League Parodies presents
THE LORD OF THE KEY RINGS, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE KEY RINGS
We start out in the Shire. Frodo has been told by Gandalf that he must leave and take the ring to Rivendell. So the departure date comes and Frodo and Sam pack their bags, grab their scripts, and head out to the Shire's parking garage to get Frodo's Chevy Cavalier. (Uncle Bilbo really was a bit stingy.)
"Come on Sam, I'll drive!" Frodo says as he unlocks the front drivers side door. Sam gets in the front passengers seat and they pull out.
"Now Mr. Frodo, according to the script we are suppose to skip the Old Forest and Tom Bombadil, " Sam begins to say before he is interupted by an "oh man" from Frodo. "I really wanted to see Bombadil too!" Frodo laments. "Sorry for interupting you Sam, keep going." Sam just smiles assures Frodo that he didn't mind the interuption then continues.
"We skip the Old Forest and Farmer Maggots house, we are going to have to go around the cornfield and pick up Merry and Pippin on the far side of it."
"Isn't that where the drop off is?" Frodo asks.
"Yes, that's why we're going to take the road past the Green Dragon down to the road where you are suppose to meet the Ringwraith."
"Are we going to meet him?" Frodo asks.
"Yes. He's going to be waiting for us." Sam answers. Sam then continues telling Mr. Frodo their itinerary until the time they get to Bree. Once again, Frodo laments the loss of certain characters. They picked up Merry and Pippin and ended up having a friendly chat with Ringwraith number 3, who was driving a black viper by the way, and discovered that he was as sad about the loss of Tom Bombadil as Frodo was.
The four hobbits made it to Bree in excellent time and there met Aragorn. They spent the night in Bree as the script said to and quickly exchanged the necessary dialogue. They got the boring dialogue out of the way then the four hobbits starting pestering Aragorn with questions about Arwen.
"So Aragorn," Pippin began. "How long have you been going out with Arwen?"
"Have you kissed her?" Merry asked. Before Aragorn could answer either question Pippin said, "I'll bet he has!"
"Under the moonlight I'm sure!" Merry teased.
"When Elrond wasn't looking!" Pippin added in loud tones.
"That's enough!" Aragorn shouted as he covered both hobbits mouths. Frodo and Sam nearly fell over laughing at the frightened faces of Merry and Pippin as his big hands clapped over their mouths. The hobbits and Aragorn made the beds for a diversion like the script called for then spent the night in another room. The Ringwraiths came, slashed the beds as they were suppose to, then decided it would be fun to steal the tires off of Frodo's Cavalier. When Aragorn and the hobbits woke up the next morning they were really ticked off that they had done this. Aragorn cried, "This means war!" then preceded to go car shopping. (Aragorn drove a motorcycle at the time) The only thing Aragorn could get a good deal on in such short notice was a full sized Ford van from Bill Ferny's Ford. After filling up several extra gas cans (there were not many gas stations between Bree and Rivendell) they drove off towards Rivendell.
Part way to Weathertop Frodo started asking Aragorn whether it was truly necessary for him to get stabbed by Ringwraith number 1. Aragorn assured him it was so they stopped off there, the Ringwraith stabbed Frodo, then Frodo got back into the van. When they reached the place of the stone trolls, They camped out until Arwen showed up in a silver corvette.
"Hello Arwen. Nice wheels!" Aragorn said when Arwen got out.
"Hi Aragorn! Where's Frodo?" Arwen asked.
"Over here." Aragorn picked up Frodo and put him into the passengers seat. In elvish he added, "Drive Fast, and don't bother waiting for me, this van can't top seventy-five miles an hour."
Aragorn changed his mind when looked at Arwen's car. "Let me drive him to Rivendell." Aragorn pleaded.
"No, let me, must keep to the script you know!" Arwen said as she got into the car. Right before she sped off she added, "Besides, I'm the better driver!" then sped off. Aragorn gave her a dirty look that she just laughed at in the rear view mirror.
Arwen and Frodo made it to Rivendell in record time. All nine Ringwraiths were drown and their cars wrecked in the flooding of the river. Elrond healed Frodo and Gandalf showed up and told Frodo that he had car problems in addition to being taken captive by Saruman.
The Council of Elrond was coming soon and Gandalf and Elrond stood on the porch, exchanged the necessary dialogue, then watched the people ride in. Boromir drove up in a red mustang. The elves pulled up in a Mercedes SUV, and the dwarves appeared in a Hummer. They started the council, hastily read through the dialogue from their scripts, and assigned people to the fellowship. The fellowship then now had to decide what vehicle to take. They couldn't take the van, it only sat seven, all the other vehicles were needed to take their relations back home, so they were at a loss of what to do. In the end it was Elrond who suggested that they wait till spring, and take his extened cab Ford F-250 and have everyone alternate between the cab and sitting in the truck bed. Everyone really like his idea until he looked into the future and saw spring would be too late. So, they put the cap on the truck and left just as the last leaves were falling from the trees.
Gandalf was driving, Aragorn was riding shot gun, Merry was in between them, and Frodo, Sam, an Pippin sat in the back seat. Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli sat in the back. Legolas was not happy in the slightest about being stuck there and when they stopped so the crabain of Dunland could spot them, Legolas was brought up to the passengers seat, Merry and Pippin were put in the back, and Aragorn sat between Frodo and Sam in the back seat. They continued on until they got to Moria. For sake of time, and because the truck wouldn't fit down most of the passages, they dropped Gandalf off at the gate.
"Bye Gandalf!" They all shouted. Aragorn tossed Gandalf his script as he walked to the drivers side of the pickup truck. Aragorn hopped in the drivers seat, Legolas took the front passengers seat and Boromir sat between Merry and Pippin. This time Frodo and Sam were in the back with Gimli. As they pulled away from the gate Frodo turned to Sam and said, "You know, I'm glad that we have scripts! The Bombadil and Glorfindel losses were worth me not getting speared by that stupid cave troll!"
"You can say that again Mr. Frodo! That cut wasn't going to be fun either I'm sure!" Sam heartily agreed. They gave each other high fives.
"Well, not seeing Balin's grave is a loss to me, but missing that Balrog definitely makes up for it!"Gimli added with a laugh. When Gimli saw that Kheled-zaram was not in the script he crawled up to the sliding window in the back of the cab and knocked on it. Boromir opened it and asked in annoyed tones, "What do you want?"
"I want to ask Aragorn if he will stop at Kheled-zaram so Frodo and I can see it, if that's not too much of a problem for you Master Boromir!" Gimli snapped back. Aragorn had heard Gimli's request and shouted back, "OK!"
So they stopped at Kheled-zaram and Gimli, Frodo, and Sam got out and looked at. A few minutes later they got back in the truck and headed off towards Lothlorien.
Everything was fine until they reached the Nimrodel. There was no bridge, but their was a sign. It said, "NO MOTORIZED VEHICLES BEYOND THIS POINT".
"Well everyone, get out!" Aragorn said. The Fellowship climbed out of the truck. Legolas looked at his script, and said, "This stinks! I practiced that Song of Nimrodel for four months just so I could sing it, and then they go and cut it out." Aragorn walked over to him and put his hand on Legolas's shoulder.
"Don't worry, they cut out the Song of Tinuviel I was going to do ! It took me twenty-seven years to get it right, just for this movie, then they go and cut it out!" Aragorn sympathized with Legolas. The whole Fellowship crossed the river and waited for Haldir. He was late, so they all started reading their scripts. Almost all of them had had some song or long anticipated piece of dialogue cut out. Merry and Pippin however, had several songs added. Everyone else thought the whole thing was incredibly unfair and decided that something had to be done!
Just then Haldir and a few elves with bows came running up.
"Sorry we're late! Don't worry about your truck, the Lady will have my brother Orophin drive it back to Rivendell." Haldir said. He put a stern look on his face and added, "Come with me!"
He led them to Caras Galadhon. They climbed up the long stair case, exchanged the necessary dialogue with the Lord Celeborn and the Lady Galadriel, then had a large supper in the tree tops. They knew that a large supper wasn't in the script, but they figured if the writers could cut out all sorts of stuff, then they could add a meal. Before they left the Lady Galadriel said, "I hope you all enjoy our lament for Gandalf, we've been working on it for months! Now, if you look around the corner you'll find a twisty slide that will take you down to where your beds are." She turned to Aragorn and Legolas and added, "Make sure the hobbits go last, or you will squash them."
"Will do Lady Galadriel!" Aragorn said with a nod.
"Oh, and before I forget Aragorn, Arwen sent me a message." Galadriel handed him a letter with a seal on it. Aragorn opened it and Merry and Pippin tried looking at it. They couldn't see over or under his arms so they stood next to him, one on either side, and Pippin began in a high voice, "Dearest Aragorn, I love you I love you I love you!"
"I miss your strong arms holding me when daddy isn't looking!" Merry added in his own high voice.
"I must go, daddy is coming! Hugs and kisses!" Pippin said while batting his eyelashes.
"Love your sweet little..."They said together until they were cut off by Aragorn's big hands being clapped over their mouths. Legolas and Gimli looked at each other and smiled devious smiles.
"You are a wicked elf Legolas!" Gimli whispered.
"Well, I owed him from the dinner party incident." Legolas whispered back.
"What happened?"
"Well," Legolas bent down to start whispering what happened but pulled himself abruptly upright and declared, "You smell!" then added quietly, "I'll tell you later." He then went down the slide. Aragorn went down then the four hobbits in a train. They didn't wait long enough to leave however and landed on top of Aragorn.
Later, while Frodo was off looking in Galadriel's mirror and Sam was sulking about him not being able to look in it, Legolas took Gimli off to tell him about the dinner party incident. The Fellowship's stay their was drawing to an end. Haldir came back to visit them and told them that they were to take boats down the river, and then rent a car once they made it to Rohan. A few minutes later Galadriel and Celeborn appeared and gave them gifts, ignoring the dialogue in the script, and doing it by the book.
"They may have cut out my song, but I'm cutting it back in!" Galadriel said as the elven minstrels began to play. She did a wonderful job and everybody started clapping when it was over. The Fellowship then got in the boats and rowed away.
The journey down the Anduin was relatively boring considering all the stuff that was cut out of the book. So we shall skip to Tol Brandir. Boromir was not at all interested in attacking Frodo, nor was Frodo in favor of being attacked so that sped talked through the dialogue.
After a nice picnic with the rest of the Fellowship, Boromir flagged down two nice Uruk-hai named Rupert and Alfred, and convinced them to carry his boat down the falls while he blew his horn. In exchange for carrying the boat, they would be given non-maggoty bread which should last for more than "three stinking days" along with a pound of salted pork for each of them. They gladly accepted the offer. Frodo and Sam said good bye to everyone and took their boat across the river to the eastern shore. Merry and Pippin were taken by the Uruk-hai like the script said but unlike the script they were hauled around in little red wagons, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli sat around for a while drinking miruvor that Aragorn had swiped from Gandalf before he went into Moria. Once they decided the time was come to follow, they stood up, fell over, stood up again, then ran off.
THUS ENDS THE FIRST CHAPTER, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE KEY RINGS IN THE LORD OF THE KEY RINGS.