A/N: I just like the idea that Kyle might sort of "miss" Cartman.
Warnings: potential OOC, sentimentality...read at your own risk!
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Heaven's Full Of Hippies
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The last thing Kyle said to Cartman was that he wanted him to drop dead somehow. He wasn't fussed about how it happened, just preferably very painfully.
In all fairness, the last thing Cartman had said to Kyle was that he should consider euthanasia, if only to cut down the Jewish population a little bit. And also the gingers.
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Day 1
"Cartman's in hospital. He got hit by a bus."
As Kenny's ghost descended through the classroom ceiling toward heaven, or wherever you went when you died, Kyle looked past it and processed what Stan had just told him.
"Am I supposed to care?"
It wasn't that Kyle Broflovski was an insensitive bastard. It was just that Eric Cartman was.
"The doc says he's in a coma, dude."
"He deserves it," Kyle said, and left the classroom before Stan could suggest anything crazy like going to the hospital. Besides, there was loads of homework to do, and Ike needed to be walked home.
Day 2
Cartman had been in comas before, anyway. He was stupid like that.
"Aren't you going to visit your friend in hospital, bubbie? I heard he's in a bad way."
Kyle stabbed his fork into his potato. "He's always in a bad way. That asshole."
"Kyle! Don't talk like that infront of your brother,"
"And he's not my friend," Kyle chewed ferociously. "I'm not going to see him, mom."
"Okay, bubbie,"
Kyle went to bed even angrier.
Day 3
"Do you want to hang out at the arcades?" Kyle asked, and winced as a passing truck slammed into Kenny.
Stan spared the moment a gasp, before turning to him. "yeah sure,"
"I wonder what heaven's like?" Kyle said aloud, as he pressed random buttons on a generic shooting game.
"I dunno, dude. Probably full of hippies and stuff like that."
"We should try to ask Kenny more often."
"Oh yeah," Stan felt in his pockets and realised he was out of change. "wanna come play at my house?"
"Okay,"
Day 4
If heaven was full of hippies Kyle hoped Cartman would end up there. He had a feeling he'd have too much fun in hell.
"I hope he goes to heaven," he told Stan on the bus.
"Who?"
"Cartman,"
Stan looked surprised. "Really? That's...kinda nice of you."
"Not really. I hope the hippies burn him alive,"
Kyle spent the rest of the time staring out the window, kind of imagining it.
A dog ran out in front of the bus and Miss Crabtree swore and slammed on the breaks too hard. Kenny flew through the window and became a splatter of blood on the pavement.
"Jesus," Stan rolled his eyes.
Day 5
"Isn't that something Cartman would say?" Kyle said, as he pulled his books out of his locker. "about heaven being full of hippies?"
Stan shrugged. He was looking at Wendy. "Yeah, probably."
Kyle frowned at the locker next to his, which happened to be Cartman's. "yeah, he'd say it just to feel better about the fact he's going to hell."
"Yeah, probably,"
"If he's going anywhere, it's hell,"
"Yeah, probably,"
"Are you even listening to me, dude?"
"Yeah, prob-"
There was a loud bang, and Stan and Kyle watched as a huge sports trophy fell from the wall and landed on Kenny's head, splooshing him on the floor.
"It's like something out of one of those crappy Final Destination films, isn't it?" Stan said.
"Yeah, except more realistic,"
Stan turned to Kyle. "I thought you wanted Cartman to go to heaven, anyway?"
"Yeah well. I don't really care," Kyle watched as Wendy came over.
"Isn't it weird?" she said, speaking mostly to Kyle for some reason.
Kyle frowned at her. "what?"
"I mean, Cartman not being here. Doesn't it feel weird?"
"I think I like weird," Kyle slammed his locker shut and walked to the classroom.
Day 6
At lunchtime Kyle sat on the swing next to the one Cartman usually called; it was a big, fat tire, bigger than the others, just like him.
"Th-that's dangerous," Butters said, looking at the roundabout and it's creaking bolts. "someone could have an accident."
Butters hadn't said too much, but everyone could tell how upset he was. Kyle thought it was insane.
"Yeah, but Butters hangs out with Cartman more than anyone," Stan pointed out, dangling his legs off the swing. "They're friends. Kinda."
Kyle snorted. "Does Cartman consider anyone a friend?"
"I don't know, dude," Stan seemed to think about it. "But it's like that time, when Chef told us that he's still our friend, whether we like him or not."
"Yeah, but Chef's dead now, remember."
Stan stepped off the swing, rolling his eyes at the sky. "So?"
As Stan walked away, Kyle stared at the ground. He heard the crash of metal and some cries, as the roundabout fell apart, and Kenny splattered into the wall.
Day 7
Kyle propped his head up with some effort, trying to pay attention to Mr Garrison's history lesson. Something about war. It was always about shitty stuff like that.
Cartman's seat had been empty for a week, and Kyle looked over at it for the first time since it had happened.
Wendy was right. It was weird really.
Not like Kyle couldn't deal with it. It was just different, and he'd have to get used to it. That's all.
"Kyle, dude," Stan nudged him. "you got that homework we were supposed to do last night?"
"...what? Yeah, why?"
Stan pointed ahead. Mr Garrison was frowning at him, holding his hand out.
"Oh, right. Sorry,"
Kyle tried not to look at Cartman's desk after that. Too distracting. Stupid fatass. Got him in trouble without even being there.
Day 8
Lianne Cartman rang up at about half five in the evening.
Kyle didn't answer it but he heard his mom talking to her in a quiet voice. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he knew exactly what it'd be about.
"So?" he folded his arms, as mom clicked the phone down and looked at him.
"That was Mrs. Cartman, bubba,"
"I know,"
"She said-"
"I'm not going to see him," Kyle interrupted. "I already told you,"
"You don't have to," she said. "Mrs Cartman just wanted to let you know that one of your video games is at Eric's house."
"Oh," Kyle didn't know what else to say.
"She also gave her condolences about Kenny's death yesterday. The cheese grater incident was very unfortunate."
8
Kyle stayed in his room for about half an hour, before deciding to go to Cartman's house.
Lianne greeted him with a tray of cookies, a fractured smile, and red eyes.
"Come in, Kyle. It's nice to see you, dear,"
Kyle hated Cartman, but he couldn't hate Cartman's mom. She was a whore, and seemed to have birthed a demon child, but still, she was really nice.
"Thanks," Kyle took a cookie. And she made the sweetest cookies.
"I've just been cleaning Eric's room, making it nice and tidy for when he comes home," Lianne smiled tightly, and then handed Kyle a game that looked fairly old. "I realised it was your's because of the little note inside."
"Thanks," Kyle tucked the game in his pocket, and then didn't know where to look. Cartman's cat was meowing and pawing at something on the couch.
"Thanks again for stopping by," Lianne said, and then wiped a hand over her face. She laughed, but it was uneven. Then she sobbed, and Kyle felt his stomach tighten in the sickness of not knowing what the hell to do or say.
He wasn't going to hug her and tell her he was sorry and that he hoped Cartman got better soon. He wasn't going to lie like that.
He wasn't. But he did.
"I'm sorry," he told her, and then gave her a tight hug.
As he walked home he remembered the game in his pocket. He opened the case and unfolded the note that had been left in it;
Don't forget this is Kyle's. Don't forget to tell him this game is a load of crap. Don't forget to remind Kyle he is a stupid Jewface.
Cartman's handwriting.
There was a small battle on Kyle's face, and then a tiny smirk won out on his lips.
"Asshole," he muttered, and tucked the note back in his pocket.
Day 9
Kyle met Stan with a wave at the bus stop, and Kenny followed them onto the bus.
"Cartman's still not woke up," Stan informed him as they sat down.
"Oh?" Kyle watched Kenny, who was picking up coins that had fallen under the bus seat. "do you think he'll die?"
"I dunno, dude. Maybe. He doesn't look very good."
Stan had visited Cartman a few times. Kyle wasn't bothered. Stan was a good person.
"Do you think I'm a bad person?" Kyle decided to ask.
"Huh? No. Why, dude?"
"Cos I've not seen Cartman. I mean, I guess I don't want him to die, really."
Stan shrugged. "he is an asshole most of the time."
"Yeah," Kyle wiped the bus window, just in time to see Cartman's house, and then Lianne coming out of it. He waved, but she didn't see him.
On the way home Kyle watched Stan off to Hells Pass (Kenny had died earlier that day, something to do with Bebe's pencil going through his eye). Kyle thought about waiting outside the hospital, but that just seemed pointless.
In the end he just went home, and then rang Stan to say he didn't feel like hanging out tonight.
Day 10
At 6.30 am Kyle stumbled out of bed, and worried about where his pants were.
He dug sleepily around his room before remembering the pile of laundry downstairs.
"Shit," he said, and leapt down the stairs just in time to see Mrs Broflovski putting the pants in the washing machine. "Mom, don't!"
"What's wrong, bubba?"
"Wait, just let me..." Kyle took the pants and felt around in the pockets.
He pulled the note out with a tiny sigh of relief. He decided he'd keep it in his coat instead.
Later, when he was properly awake and had got on the school bus, he wondered if he'd lost his mind.
"Have I?" he asked, later that day.
"Have you what?" Stan tilted his head.
"Lost my mind? I kinda want to see Cartman. I don't know, maybe just to get rid of my own stupid guilt."
"Why, dude? it's not like it's your fault."
"Maybe it is," Kyle looked at the sky, where everyone imagined heaven was. "maybe God was listening when I said I wanted him to die."
"Don't be stupid," Stan said, but did look worried. "Maybe you'll feel better anyway if you go see him."
88
It was raining after school, and Stan took a detour to Kenny's house to let his mom know that he'd been involved in an unfortunate wood cutter incident in wood shop class. Kyle took his own detour.
When he reached Hells Pass he began to have second thoughts. And his feet were squelching with the rain.
He wasn't heartless. Of course he wasn't.
He just had to keep reminding himself that this was Eric Cartman.
"It's Cartman, and he deserves it,"
He repeated it like a slightly hysterical mantra in his mind, as he walked through the white corridors and made his way to Eric Cartman's room.
Lianne was sat at the bedside, like she'd been there all day, but Kyle barely noticed her.
Cartman was just lying there. He could've just been sleeping.
For a second it was satisfying.
Then a stab of conscience; always something which Kyle alternated between hating and being thankful for (because he knew it was the main thing which set him apart from Cartman), pricked at his mind.
And it wasn't fair, how terribly vulnerable the other boy looked. And Jesus, he did look bad.
He was pale and bruised black and purple. His hair was messy and poked through bandages, and there were wires like little snakes round his mouth and nose.
Kyle gritted his teeth.
"Oh, hello dear. It's so nice of you to visit Eric," Lianne said.
Kyle turned to her with some difficulty.
"Is he okay?"
Lianne nodded. "Of course he will be,"
Kyle nodded.
But of course, Cartman was a stubborn bastard.
Day 11
"The doctor said he's worse," said Stan on Sunday afternoon. He'd come round with Kenny to play Nintendo, and thought to bring up Cartman and his stupid coma about an hour later.
"How do you even get worse?" Kyle said, angrier than he thought he'd be. "He's in a coma, for fucks sake."
"I guess he's just not responding to treatment, or something," Stan shrugged. "you wanna play some Street Fighter?"
"The worst he could do is die. Stupid asshole,"
Stan gave Kyle a funny look; "dude...I can understand if you don't-"
"I still think he's a stupid asshole," Kyle interrupted. "everything he does is stupid. Like getting into comas."
"Yeah he's a dumbass."
"But it doesn't mean I want him to die. Jesus I'm not that bad."
"I know," Stan told him, and put a hand, lightly, on Kyle's shoulder.
Kyle frowned at the tv screen, which had turned into white noise.
Kenny peered round it to see if he could adjust the signal. There was a crackling sound and then a loud boom. Stan poked Kenny's lifeless body with a sigh.
Kyle looked away miserably. "if Cartman dies he'll probably come back and haunt me to death,"
Day 12
At around midday Cartman actually died.
A few seconds later he was brought back to life, and an hour later Kyle found himself waiting in the corridor, avoiding old people who smelled like pee.
Eventually a door opened and Lianne came out of it looking sick.
She patted Kyle on the head. "Oh, you're such a good friend to Eric,"
Kyle would've laughed at the idea, but he bypassed it. "Is he okay?"
"Yes, hon. You can see him for a bit if you like,"
He wasn't sure why, but Kyle felt in his pocket for that stupid note before he went into the room.
He sat down near the bed, mostly looking at the white sheets and the walls before Cartman.
"Hey, fatass," he said unhappily.
He waited a moment; a tiny second of imagining Cartman's comeback. Instead he listened to the annoying blip of a machine, and then he pulled the note out his pocket and glared at Cartman.
"Listen. You don't get out of it that easy. You think I'd just forget stuff like this and forgive you cos you happen to die? Doesn't work like that, asshole."
Kyle squeezed the note, and put it back in his pocket. He wiped the back of his hand roughly over his eyes.
"God damnit,"
He grabbed Cartman's hand, squeezed it harder than the note. It felt clammy and cold and soft all at once.
"Wake up, you asshole."
8
Cartman decided to wake up a few hours later. Stupid bastard.
Someone rang Kyle's house to let him know. Kyle wasn't sure who. He was out the house before anyone could tell him.
8
"Hey fatass," Kyle said.
"Hey Jew,"
Cartman looked sick, and sounded faint, but still did a good job of looking pissed off at Kyle's very presence.
"So how you feeling?"
"Ah've threw up five times. Other than that, pretty cool, I guess."
Kyle heard himself laugh. It was shaky. "Cool."
Cartman rubbed his eyes. "where's the others? God...are you the only one who wanted to come see me? Lame."
"No. Stan's on his way, and Kenny's dead,"
"Oh," Cartman took an odd moment to reflect. Then added; "Boo-fucking-hoo."
"I guess I'm just early," Kyle felt his ears burn.
"You mean you missed me that much?"
"Shut up."
Cartman glared, but actually did shut up. He rubbed his eyes again. He looked kind of disorientated.
"Anyway, I only came to give you something," Kyle said, and pulled the note out his pocket.
"What is it?"
"A reminder, to yourself. I thought you might want it back, so you can tell me," Kyle handed it to Cartman, and he watched as Cartman read it, his face moving from a confused frown into some sort of amusement.
He looked at Kyle, like he was trying to be serious. "Yeah, it was a crappy game, Kahl. And you're still a stupid Jewface."
Kyle never thought he'd smile at that, but he did anyway.
"It is crappy," he confirmed. "that's why I let you borrow it,"
He watched as Cartman absently scrunched the note up and tossed it in a trashcan.
"You dickweed," Cartman rolled his eyes. He was quiet for a moment, then looked at the ceiling. "so Kenny's dead?"
"Yeah. Probably in heaven right now."
"Pfft. Like Kenny would get in heaven."
"Like you would!"
"Ah don't wanna!" Cartman considered. "Everyone knows heaven's full of hippies anyway."
Kyle smirked, "Probably."
He thought about telling Cartman he'd be luckier in Hell, and then that maybe he was glad Cartman wasn't dead anyway. But that thought was fleeting, and Cartman had closed his eyes.
"Cartman?"
"...mm."
"I-" Kyle stopped himself. "Later, Fatass."
8
Halfway down a corridor he bumped into Lianne, who looked pink and breathless and deliriously happy. She hugged Kyle tightly.
"So nice to see you again, Kyle," she said. And then 'Thank you' for some reason.
"I was just passing by," Kyle told her.
"Oh," Lianne smiled some more, albeit apologetically. "I know Eric really appreciates you coming to visit him, even if he can be a bit of a mischief sometimes."
Kyle thought that was the understatement of his lifetime, but he smiled at her. "See you, Mrs. Cartman."
Outside Hells Pass it was raining again. Stan had his hands stuffed in his pockets and was kicking the ground idly.
"Hey dude, how's Cartman?"
"Oh you know. Alive," Kyle looked around. "where's Kenny?"
"Dead. The funeral's in an hour, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Guess we better get ready."
As they walked toward the church, Kyle looked up. "hey, did you ever ask Kenny what heaven's like?"
"Oh yeah. He said something about it...um, something about it being full of hippies and stuff like that," Stan pulled irritably at his black suit. "Jesus, these things are annoying. Cartman always gets out of this crap."
"Yeah," Kyle pulled a face, "Bastard,"
Inside, he was kind of smiling. Surprised how much he liked the idea that Cartman might be right about something.
8
The next day there's an angry message left on Kyle's voicemail. Cartman demanding Kyle get his Jewass to the hospital and explain why his get well gift is a Family Guy Best Of dvd set.
Kyle smiled as he hung up the phone, reveling in the inevitable return to normality.
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- End