Under the surface

By: Grey Wolf

This is a Dedication fic, hope it's appreciated.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, yeah right like someone like me could write more than 5000 consecutive words that mad sense;-p

Note: Mmm, been a long time since I really wrote something, been depressed and through therapy and have antidepressant pills… so to cut it short I've been mentally ill but I'm better now, hopefully. Ok the story, kind off based on that feeling with Seamus for a character. Wow yeah me! Hehe sorry, but I've never written about him before so here goes. Ok the tears thing, trust me if your depressed you feel like crying all the time k? If this doesn't make sense; humour me.

Seamus POV and their a little older like 16 and he's hurting just because cause its possible. Slash with… I'm not telling ;-p

The dream haunts me.

I stand on the ledge of the tallest tower of Hogwarts and look down. My feet are always bare and I can feel the cold stones beneath them, but in the same moment I don't feel anything at all. The wind thrashes against me, sweeping my hair into my eyes as I look down into the deep darkness below, spreading my arms beside me. It always starts raining at this point and I lift my head to the sky before taking a step and throwing myself off the side. The wind tries in vain to catch my falling frame as I still look up at the falling rain.

At breakfast I grin and make jokes again; acting like nothing was wrong. Pretending that I didn't have the hurt inside that was treating to consume me, to bubble to the surface and show every one that I was not alright in a flow of tears. I shake the feeling of pent up nausea from my head and body but the pain still sits where it always does, snug in between my ribs like part of me. I hate it.

I greet Harry and Ron as they sit down and the greet me back, talking to me briefly before getting involved in deeper and dare I say secret matters amongst themselves and turning away from me.

I fight the anger growing inside of me. I can't explain it but I want them to let me in, I want to be part of one of their adventures too. I want to prove that I am not just a half muggle half wizard; a Halfling like Malfoy once called me between classes. I remember it so clearly.

Crabbe and Goyle towering over me with Malfoy between them calling me all sorts of names and all I could do is stand there against the wall taking it in silence and fear of them. His words had cut deep, so deep that Dean had to sit with me the whole night as I curled up into a ball and told him how much I hated Malfoy. He just sat there, rubbing my back and whispering small soft words of comfort. He was half leaning over me with a strange look in his eyes that was half pain and half… I'm not sure. I remember falling asleep that night, the pain pushed out of me momentarily and for the first time in months I didn't have the dream.

Dean is the only one that knows the truth, the only one that cares. He stands by me and I don't know why but I'm grateful. I smile over at him, a small sad smile and he looks back at me concerned, he saw the tired look in my eyes, the slight tremble in my body and he knew that I had the dream again. He stood up to go to class and as he passed me his hand touched my shoulder, squeezing gently and comforting before leaving me with its warm remembrance. It caused a feeling of peace in me that I needed and I soon followed him, feeling light and almost truly happy. Almost...

The feeling didn't last long. I was starting to do poorly in school thanks to my mindset and I was getting all kinds of grief from the professors most of all Snape who enjoyed yelling at me in front of the whole class. How I fought of the tears burning in my eyes I still don't know. Afterwards Hermione offered to help me with my work and I was grateful.

After dinner that I choked down to hold up appearance and hardly tasted we set up in the common room with Dean to do the homework assignments. I suffered through it feeling dumb and finding it hard to concentrate. Why couldn't I focus on the simples things anymore? I felt frustrated as Hermione tried her best to get the spells and potions into my head and I felt like doing what the dream told me to do.

At this point I looked up from my messed up homework and saw Dean looking at me with that look again and I felt guilty for what I was thinking. He put his hand on my shoulder and simple said "Come on Seamus I know you can do this, your cleaver enough right? Just forget whatever is bothering you." It was like a Tsunami (an: hell I hope this is the right word ^-^;) hitting me, washing over my and cleansing me of the pain blocking my brain and I had the homework done right in no time.

Hermione smiled proudly at me or rather she was proud of me and Dean gave me a thumbs up and a wide grin. I smiled back but already the pain was gnawing at me in the back of my head and I feared the dream that would surely visit me again.

We stayed in the common room as long as possible, Dean and i. We sat by the fire hardly speaking, both of us lost in thought. I was looking at him, how the firelight was falling on his face and I could help but find him beautiful. His brow was furrowed in thought and his mouth had no expression as he rested his chin on his hands, his back bent as he leaned his elbows on his knees, looking into the fire.

Was I the cause of all this beautiful worry? I hardly notice when he spoke and he had to repeat himself. "Seamus? Are you alright? You know inside?" the directness of the question took me by surprised but I answered him truthfully, turning my head away from. "I don't want you to hurt anymore." He said and sat up. 

He checked to see if we were alone and then pulled my face to his gently, kissing me quickly. A blush was on his face as he pulled away and stood up leaving me to contemplate the kiss. I touched my lips in disbelieve. Did this mean Dean loved me? I couldn't fight the joy rising in my heart and I leaped out of the chair and ran up the stairs to our room. I was feeling scared and unsure and happy all at once as I pulled open his curtain and drew close to him.

"I don't want to hurt anymore." I told him and pulled him close, pressing my lips to his. After a moment he pulled away, looking at me with half lidded eyes and the same look of worry and love. "Then let me take your pain away." He said, pulling me down to lie in his arms. It would be hard letting the pain go but with Dean's love and support I knew I could be free of it.

I didn't have the dream that night, or the next. All I had is a feeling of safety and security as I slept in Dean's arms and dreamt of happiness. As long as I have Dean I can face the world with a real smile on my face.