DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine, story idea also not mine since some other lucky fan of the ship came up with it at one of the cons.
A/N: Heyyyy, guys. I had this on my drive, started it right after the panels, and been using this as sort of a no-pressure exercise just to work out little roadblocks when I'm writing Charade. Today I looked at it, thought 'well this is getting kinda long.' Figured I'd put it out there for y'all. I'll probably add more. I don't even know where it's going? But that speed dating thing was too amazing to leave alone. Even with KG/CW saying they're not writers, they hit it out of the park just with that improv scene. Better than the pile of dung that was 6x22. Right? ;)
Anyway, enjoy.
SPEED DATING, OR HOW I MET MY MISMATCH
"So Dad died. And Liv and I didn't do the merge. The magic linking everyone fizzed out. And now the elders are saying that our coven is disbanded. Big power vacuum."
"Shit. Well, good. Hated our coven anyway."
"Yea. Me, too. But, dad died."
"Okay, yeah. Oh, should I go to the funeral?"
"There wasn't one. Elders burned him in a big pyre. It was nice. I'm keeping his ashes in the same urn as Snowball."
"Huh. All right. Well, thanks for calling."
"Jo, your pregnancy brain is showing. Dad died."
"...Sorry for your loss, Luke. Didn't know you guys were close."
"No, honey. We weren't. But now he's dead. And there goes the prison world. As in, no longer imprisoning."
"...Oh. OH. OH, SHIT."
"Yeah."
-XxXxX-
THREE MONTHS LATER...
* knock on door *
"Sweetie, can you please get that?"
* knock becoming insistent *
"Ric, I'm in the middle of cooking here!"
"Okay, hon, I'm just-the game's in overtime! I'm trying to find the remote so I can pause it!"
"You're recording it! Why do you need to pause it?! It's called REWIND!"
* knock kno- *
"Hi."
"Uhm. Hi. Who are you?"
"I'm Kai. Jo's bro-"
* thud *
...long pause...
"Um, Jo, sweetie! Can you come here?"
"No! I'm cooking, dammit, and I don't have the energy to waddle over there and give you and Damon your beers!"
"That wasn't Damon at the door!"
"Who was it? And what was that noise?"
"That was your brother hitting the floor because I punched him in the face and knocked him out!"
* running footsteps *
"Luke? Why would you punch-Oh. Oh. Oh, shit."
-XxXxX-
THE NEXT DAY...
"It's so hollow now, Jo. Like I don't have a reason to exist anymore. Our coven gone, Dad dead, you powerless. I plotted two decades for revenge! And now, nothing. It's not the same, killing random people out of necessity."
"..."
"By the way, I hope you don't mind, but I had to stuff the cab driver in your trunk."
"What!"
"I didn't have money to pay, and he was...very belligerent."
* chair scraping, rapid footsteps running around the apartment *
"Ric!"
"He might not be dead anyway. I just used a sleeper hold. Although now he may have suffocated."
"RIIIIICCC!"
-XxXxX-
THE NEXT WEEK...
"Thanks for letting me crash on the couch."
"You need to leave. It's making Jo cranky and I just can't take it, she was already so moody I didn't think it could get worse. So thanks for that."
"But where am I gonna go? I have no money. I could kill people for it, but...what's the point?"
"Get a job."
"C'mon, Ric. Can you see it now? Sociopath in need of employment. Skills include siphoning magic, practicing magic, sharp weapons expert, intimidating tactics, high IQ, and works well independently...Actually, that sounds good. Can you help me with my resume?"
"..."
-XxXxX-
ONE MONTH LATER...
"Thanks for helping me move, you guys."
"If we never see you again, it'll be too soon. Have a nice life, buddy. C'mon, Jo."
"Thanks for the resume, too!"
* footsteps fading *
"I think he's warming up to me, sis."
"He's really not. I don't know why you get that impression."
"Y'know, now that I have my next assignment-"
"How'd you get a job as a killer-for-hire using Google?"
"You'd be shocked. Mystic Falls is where it's at, I guess. I'm really digging the technology age. Helping me transition smoothly. Hey, you guys wanna stay for brunch? I got a stocked fridge."
"Not really."
"...Oh, okay. Well, I'll call you later, then."
"Please don't."
"..."
"The hell?! Are you-Kai, are those tears?"
"What is that?"
"When you have water coming out of your eyes! Like now. What the hell is wrong you?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'm bored?"
"People don't cry when they're bored. Oh, my God."
"What is this, then?"
"I think you're lonely. Go...find some friends or something."
"How?"
"...Go online. Safest bet. Watch out for pedophiles, though. Oh, you know what? Go friend them, and then maybe you can make them your next targets."
"Sure. Okay, good idea. Nobody will miss them, right? I could be like that guy Dexter. Ever watch that show? I just binged on Netflix. I really connect with that character."
"You should splurge on therapy. After you get your next paycheck. Or blood money. Whichever. Gotta go."
-XxXxX-
ONE MONTH LATER...
"Gin, neat."
* two shots of gin disappear quickly, one after the other *
"Two more."
* another two, gone *
"Whew. That's bracing. Haven't done that in a while. Nice kick, huh?"
* ensuing awkward glance between two men at a bar *
"What-Whaddaya having there?"
"Water."
"Oh. Yeah, good choice. Classic. More people should drink water...at a bar."
"You know, I'm not really looking to have a conversation with anyone. My brother was here just now. I didn't even want to talk to him."
"Yeah, man, sure. I get it. Long day, you know? Nice to sit here and get smashed all by myself. And people watch. I like that, too."
* other man ignores comment *
"Bad day at work. My, uh, client...was really struggling on this, um, project of mine. And it got messy."
"What part of 'I don't want to talk' didn't you get?"
"Oh, so you were serious? I thought that was just a formality. Sorry. I'm a little rusty with my social skills. You're the first drinking buddy I've had."
"We're not drinking buddies."
"Anyone ever tell you that you have a very pronounced brow line? And yet, it doesn't give you a Neanderthal look."
* ensuing glare from one man to the other *
"Okay, now-now it does."
* chair scrapes *
"Put it on my tab, Matt! Thanks."
"Sure. See ya, Stefan."
* silence again at the bar, except for the sound of a lone man muttering *
"...Way to piss off your new friend, Kai."
-XxXxX-
ONE MONTH LATER...
"Well, well, look what the cat dragged in. My brother's new drinking buddy AKA Ric's psychopathic brother-by-marriage."
* ensuing glare from one man, and a pleased look from the other *
"Stefan said I'm his drinking buddy? See. I knew it."
* perplexed face from one man, as the other continues to look pleased *
"Thought it was high time to meet the new kid in town. Or let's say, the new forty year old power hungry family murdering manchild."
"Well, I'm flattered. I didn't know I was getting so much hype. You must be Damon. Creepy one hundred sixty year old vampire with a whimsical taste for murder, currently obsessed with a college girl. Am I right?"
"Eh. So, 1994, eh? Me, personally, I would've preferred the eighties as my personal hell. Better hair and clothes. And music."
"I can still make that happen for you, if you don't leave me to my drink in peace."
"Stop lying. I'm in the loop. You have no powers of your own."
"Really? You should follow me on twitter, then, get all my latest updates. If you did, you'd know I have a plan to change that."
"Should I warn Ric?"
"No need. My sister knows all about it, and I even have her blessing. But I think that's mostly cuz she's sure it won't work."
"Well, then. Good luck with that. Oh, and whenever you're in the mood for a murder spree, give me a heads up so I can take my girlfriend out of town for the weekend."
"It was one time. You kill half your family and suddenly, you're a mass murderer. It's not like I pulled a Charlie Manson. Geeze, you people."
-XxXxX-
ONE MONTH LATER...
* shots glasses banging simultaneously at the bar *
"So, I've been meaning to ask, is there any other bar in this town?"
"Would we be here if there was? Damon can tell you the other joints within a fifty-mile radius, but I like to stay local."
"We should open our own, little brother."
"Get real, Damon."
"I would be your most frequent customer. But only if you guys add a Taco Tuesday."
"Not the kind of bar I had in mind, Kai. So I was thinking Elena could run it, she's a whiz."
"I could see that. And Caroline could be our marketer."
"For vampires, you guys are really sad. The way you talk about your girlfriends. I mean, you have girlfriends. That's lame. What're you, in junior high?"
"Jealous, Kai?"
"Hell no, Stefan. Why would I be? Do I look like I'm lacking for female attention? I mean, okay, right now in this moment in time, sure. But it's our guys night out. So, you know-"
"Protesting a little too much, man."
"Ric's having a barbecue next week. Maybe Elena can bring Miss Witchy Woo."
"Damon, don't embarrass yourself. I don't need a blind date, okay? Just last week, I got like two digits when we went to that club."
"911 and 1-800-GOT-JUNK don't count."
* cue betrayed silence *
"Stefan, did you sneak a look at my digits?"
"You left them on the table. It was there for anyone to read. And you really need to work on your pick up lines. 'You have a lovely hairline' is what a man suffering from baldness dreams of, not a woman on the dance floor."
"Let's face it, brother. Lame-o Mage-o here is a lost cause. Why don't you just whip up a love potion or use your stolen magic to spell yourself a girlfriend?
"Or join eHarmony. Or go speed dating."
"That, too."
"Join eharmowhat, go where now?"
"Google it, Kai."
-XxXxX-
A WEEK LATER...
"Say that again, but slowly."
"I'm. Going. To. A. Speed. Dating. Meetup."
* laughter *
* more laughter *
* and more *
"Thanks, sis."
"Sorry. Oh, boy. I think I broke my water cracking up. Oh, wait. No. That was just a little pee that leaked out."
"O-kay. Yuck. How about you never mention the passing of body fluids when I'm in the room. Ever again. Thanks."
"Where is this meet-up?"
"Conference room at that hotel downtown. Hey, you wanna come with? You know, for moral support?"
"I really don't, no. But have fun."
-XxXxX-
THAT SAME NIGHT...
* laughter *
* ten minutes later, still laughing *
* barstool scraping *
"Why is this so funny?"
"Stefan, he thought we were serious!"
"I've been told my funny face is too much like my serious face. So I can see how this happened."
"...Thanks, assholes."
-XxXxX-
THE NEXT DAY...
* ding ding *
"GENTLEMEN, PLEASE CHANGE TABLES.
* chairs scraping and hum of conversation *
"Hiiiiii! How are you? I'm Felicia."
"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Kai."
"I saw you a few tables away and was looking forward to talking to you."
"Oh, great. Thanks."
"So tell me about yourself? What do you do? You look like you're in the healthcare field. Are you a paramedic? You're giving me those vibes. I'm a masseuse so that'd be great to have common ground. My gosh, I'm babbling. Sorry. Feel free to cut in here."
"Okay, well, I-"
"Did you find a good parking spot when you got here? Because I had such a hard time, and my car is new, so I didn't just want to squeeze into anywhere. Ended up in the other plaza. Crazy. What kind of car do you drive?"
"..."
-XxXxX-
TEN MINUTES LATER...
* cue scraping of chair *
"Hey."
"Hi."
"Just so you know, the guy before you was really awesome and is the only one I'm gonna tick. Thought I'd be honest."
"Oh. I see. That's great for you."
"Yea-huh."
"..."
"..."
-XxXxX-
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
* disgruntled sigh *
"What's wrong with you?"
"Sorry. Hi."
"I was totally gonna tick you cuz you're hot, and I thought we could hook up at least. But, dude, you have a bad attitude."
"..."
-XxXxX-
TWO MINUTES LATER...
* man giving long stare at a woman at one table, before he walks up nervously *
"Hi."
"H-H-Hi."
"Hi, I'm Bonnie."
* dazed man sitting on a chair, still staring *
* woman smiling expectantly *
* dazed man leans forward, she goes to shake his hand, but he ends up patting her thigh awkwardly *
"Kai."
"So, Kai, what do you do?"
* him smiling goofily at her *
"What's your coven?"
"Wh-What?"
"Sorry."
* nervous laughter from both *
"My coven?"
"Sorry, you're like really pretty."
"I'm...not a witch, just a regular girl from Mystic Falls."
"Cool."
* nervous laughter from her, while he gazes at her face *
"What's your favorite insect?"
"I like butterflies, I guess-"
"Your earlobes are really nice shapes, you have nicely-shaped earlobes."
"Where did you say you're from? I've never seen you around before."
* she tilts her head in curiosity, he glances away uncomfortable *
"You're not from Virginia?"
"I was in...this place...this place where I was from...just this place-"
"A place? Where?"
"I was stuck in-do you have cupcakes?"
* he leans forward intently *
"Sometimes, um, yea, I do."
"Okay."
* shared mutual smile between the two *
DING DING
"Time to go."
"Okay, good meeting you."
* man stares at her departing form *
-XxXxX-
ONE HOUR LATER...
* man on phone, checking if speed dating tick got a reply *
"Aw, come on, Bonnie."
-XxXxX-
FIVE HOURS LATER...
* man on phone, checking for 34th time for tick reply *
"Seriously, what the hell? Is the server down or something?"
-XxXxX-
ONE WEEK LATER...
* checking if tick got a reply, for the 2,749th time *
"GAHHHHH!"
-XxXxX-
TWO WEEKS LATER...
* checking for the 9,853rd time for tick reply *
"Bonnie."
* sob *
"...Did you say something?"
"One more."
"I don't know, Kai, that's your tenth glass. You look really sick."
"Matt, please. I'm fine."
* man downs his tenth shot glass *
* one minute later, man is passed out on the bar counter *
"You okay over there?"
"..."
"Dammit. I hate this job."
-XxXxX-
ONE WEEK LATER...
"Don't know if you've heard, but there's like a looooot of other women out there."
"..."
"You had a four-minute encounter, why are you so depressed?"
"I'm not. It was nothing."
"You're lying. I can always tell because you look constipated when you lie."
"Maybe I am. Actually constipated."
"No, that's me. Because I have a tiny human head blocking my intestinal tract. Among other problems. See, these are real issues. Unlike yours."
"..."
"Look, Ric and I are having that barbeque. If you promise not to be a weirdo, you can come."
"Okay. Should I bring something? Oh, you know I make a really good macaroni salad."
"Yeah! I remember. Bring that. A lot of it. And save me a bowl of it in your fridge. So I can have some next time I visit your apartment. Oh, and you're out of jam."
"What?! Stop raiding my fridge!"
-XxXxX-
THREE DAYS LATER...
"When you said barbecue, I was thinking like a house party. With a few more women to meet. The only single girls here are a handful of women I've known since third grade."
"Matt, I have a pregnant wife. Where is your head?"
"C'mon, Mattie blue eyes, don't tell me as a bartender you don't see enough action."
"Lately, Damon, all I've been seeing is Kai. Moping or passed out at the bar. Not my kind of action."
"Speaking of, has anyone tasted his macaroni salad? Cuz it's really good."
"No, Ric. Because Mrs. Waddle over took the whole bowl for herself."
"What? No, that was a really big bowl."
"And she has a really big appetite."
-XxXxX-
THIRTY MINUTES LATER...
"The hell is wrong with you?"
* crunch crunch *
"Whaddaya want, Damon?"
"Stuffing your face with pork rinds in a corner watching Judge Judy isn't the way to make new friends at a BBQ."
"Leave me alone. It's just getting good. Look, plaintiff's about to get dissed by Judy. Hooo. I love that woman."
"You're really deranged. Look, there's Elena's friend. Why don't you go talk to her. She's reasonably pretty. A little judgy. Also irritating and not the best people person. You two would really hit it off."
"Knock it off, I told you I don't want to be set up-Oh. Oh, my God."
* bag of pork rinds drops to floor *
"What the hell?"
"Damon. It's her. That's the girl from the speed date!"
"...BONNIE?"
-XxXxX-
TEN SECONDS LATER...
"H-H-H-"
* choking, coughing, then throat clearing *
"Ahem. Hi."
* woman turns around, sees man *
"Oh. Hi!"
* man erupts into an enormous, goofy grin *
"Hi, Bonnie."
"Wow. Um, this is weird...Kai, right?"
"Yeah. Hi."
"...How are you?"
"I-I'm good. I ticked you."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"The speed dating. I ticked you. And I waited to hear back."
"Oh, I didn't even know. Sorry. My friend Caroline set it all up. I don't even know what a tick is?"
* relieved, happy sigh *
"It's okay. So. Small world, huh?"
"Yeah. No kidding. How do you know Ric?"
"Brother-in-law. Jo's my twin."
"Oh. Jo is your twin?"
* woman looks perplexed, eyeing the man *
"Hehehe. Or, feels like it? She's my sister. Just my older sister. Feels like we're just so close she's like a twin. H-h-how do you know Ric?"
"Former history teacher. Also, he was my friend's guardian."
"Oh. Neat."
* long, unbroken stare from man while woman smiles nervously *
"Sorry. Don't mean to stare. Just, I didn't think I'd see you again."
"Okay."
"And you have a great smile."
* big grin from woman, tucking her hair behind her ear *
"So, Kai have you eaten yet? Cuz I'm gonna grab a plate."
"Me, too."
"Okay, let's go. What's good, anyway?"
* contented sigh from man *
"Everything."
-XxXxX-