Hang In There
Status: Complete
Category: Hurt, Comfort, Friendship, Angst etc.
Pairings: Sam/Daniel friendship, Daniel/Janet friendship/romance
Rating: PG
Spoilers: 'Heroes', 'Rites of Passage', 'Meridian', 'Fallen', 'Lifeboat'
Season/Sequel: Missing Scene from Season Seven Episode 'Hereos'
Summary: Daniel finally realises what happened.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of
MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions.
This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes
and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously
unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the
author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead,
is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Author's Notes: Hereos part 1 & 2 were two of the
best episodes I think Stargate have ever produced, they're certainly without
doubt the best of season seven anyhow. Trying to write a fic to be even half as
good as that episode would, I feel, be impossible. But this is my small
contribution.
Phrases in italics represent a memory.
Empty.
Empty and cold.
That's how the infirmary had felt without her. An infirmary without Janet Fraiser was like an orchestra without a conductor.
It just wasn't right.
And that's when it had finally hit him.
In the infirmary where the injured members of SG-7 and Jack lay with a thick ominous silence hanging over their heads.
"Well, I'm happy to say, sir, that he's in perfect health, except for one small exception..."
Janet was gone.
And she was never coming back.
The realisation hit him like a punch in the stomach. He stumbled out of there not bothering to see how Jack was. He was alive which was more then could be said about Janet.
His breathing was quick and erratic and his heart began to race wildly as he made his way from the infirmary. He swallowed hard.
Never again would he have to hear her lecture of what too much caffeine could do to the body.
Never again would he have to see the stern disapproving look when he did something she thought was reckless or that put him in danger.
Never again would he hear the crisp clicks of her impractical shoes and wonder how in God's name she walked in shoes that high and not break her ankle.
Never again would she save his life.
He blinked suddenly finding himself in the darkened observation room, not knowing how he got there and not caring.
His eyes fixated on the bed in the centre of the room.
This was it.
The place where'd he'd been held prisoner in his own body, where Janet fought as hard as she could to help him.
"I don't give a damn! You don't belong in that man's body and I intend to take it back!"
He remembered brief flashes of them, moments, fighting with Janet, hurting her, wanting to cry out and tell her it wasn't him, he didn't want to hurt her, he could never hurt her. But he couldn't do anything. His mind was in limbo, not able to control himself or do anything. Being forced behind an invisible wall, not able to get out except for one brief moment.
"Janet?"
"Daniel?"
"What's goin' on?"
"Look, something has happened. I need you to just...I need you to just
hang in there."
There was the bed where he'd 'died'. He approached it until the metal bars dug hard into his legs and abdomen. His fingers traced the pattern of the rough fabric of the top cover, it's mottled green colour contrasting almost painfully with the snowy whiteness of the sheets and pillows.
"Just let him go."
"Colonel!"
She'd fought tooth and nail to keep him here and she'd hated that she'd had to let him go, that there hadn't been anything she could do for him.
Despised and hated it with a venom he hadn't known she'd possessed.
But how many times had she saved his life? All of their lives?
At the last second when all hope was gone and the end was nigh she always came through. Always.
He screwed his eyes tightly shut his hands gripping the material beneath his fingers hearing it pull and rustle as he disturbed it from it's resting place.
"I really need to get back to see Cassandra."
"Well, I know how tough this has been for you, so if you need…"
What she needed was for him to be able to help her. To not feel helpless and useless crying for a paramedic while the life flowed out of her in a river of red sticky gunge.
Never once had she asked for anything in return. Never.
Yet she didn't get to 'ascend' of have a brilliant Doctor or the Tok'ra or Asgard come to her rescue at the last minute.
No. She just got to die.
Killed by some faceless, unknown Jaffa uncaring that she was trying to save lives not end them. Uncaring because she was the enemy and the enemy has to be destroyed by any means possible.
"God what was that? Is she hit?"
"Janet!"
"We're clear Doctor Jackson."
"I need a medic! I need a medic!"
"Is she ok?"
"I need a medic!"
Oh God she was gone. Really gone.
The images kept playing over and over in his mind. Janet reassuring Simon, a flash of light, Janet lying on the ground, eyes open but unseeing, the smoke, the blood, the smell.
God the smell. He'd never forget that. The putrid smell of burning, rotting flesh assaulting his nostrils, the smoke rising from her body as-
He had to take deep breaths to stop himself from throwing up again. His grip tightening on the material beneath his fingertips.
She was lying cold somewhere in the hospital morgue ignorant of the pain and grief she'd caused by her departure.
"Hey. I thought I might find you here."
His body stiffened and he slowly opened his eyes but didn't turn around.
"Hey," he croaked his voice sounding rough and thick.
Sam stood beside him looking down at the bed.
He couldn't look at her. He couldn't bear to see the red nose and puffy eyes or the dark streaks of mascara tracing the tracks of the tears down the curve of her cheeks.
She'd done little else but cry since they'd got back and he almost resented her for it.
Her ability to let go, feel the grief, and deal with it, because he couldn't do that.
Not yet anyhow.
"How's Jack?"
"They're letting him out tomorrow."
He nodded. "And Cassie?"
Sam swallowed a half sob coming from her. "She's strong, she didn't say much. I think she might be in shock."
"What's going to happen to her now?"
Sam sighed, "I don't know. She's going to college soon, I don't-"
"Mom?"
"It's OK. I'm here."
"-but I work so much overtime, the Colonel will probably-"
"No." Daniel said forcefully, his jaw set. Sam looked at him surprised. "She can stay with me."
"Daniel-"
"She can stay with me, if she wants to."
"Are you sure? You know you spend as much time here as I do."
"I won't anymore."
She bobbed her head not willing to argue with him. Arguing was the last thing she wanted to do right now. "Okay. Okay I'll ask her."
Reaching into his jacket pocket he took out a small clear plastic rectangular box with white cardboard cover inside. He threw it haphazardly on the bed and stared at it.
Sam's breath hitched and she closed her eyes knowing what was on the tape.
"I'm going to give it to them." He said hoarsely. "Orders."
"Daniel."
"They need to know Sam. Everyone needs to know…how wonderful she was."
Sam slipped her own shaking hand into Daniel's clenched one and squeezed it.
"I'm so sorry Daniel." Her voice broke on his name, a lone tear spilling from her eyes.
He squeezed back so hard he was surprised he didn't break any bones. But he couldn't look at her, even when she rubbed his back and leaned her head against his shoulder sharing his grief and the painful ache somewhere deep inside his chest.
"I never told her Sam."
"You didn't need to Daniel. She knew." Her voice sounded muffled against his shoulder.
"No she didn't." he whispered staring at the tape. "I never said the words."
Sam pulled back just a little. "Just because you don't say the words doesn't mean that other person doesn't know Daniel."
He looked at her then, her eyes a strange mixture of sorrow, compassion and a glimmer of hope just underneath. She always had such beautiful eyes, so blue and even with the dark smudges of mascara and the barely restrained tears they looked bright and alive.
"I need a medic! I need a medic!"
He closed his eyes again before opening them and staring at the darkened void ahead. "Are you speaking at the memorial?"
She bobbed her head. "Yeah. I couldn't think of anything…adequate enough to say." She shook her head. "Words aren't enough. Every time I write down something, it just sounds so…false and, I don't know, ridiculous."
"You'll get there."
"Actually, Teal'c gave me a better idea."
"Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did she have to go?"
"I don't know Daniel." She whispered, "But she… she's happy now. She was too good for this world."
His grip tightened on the metal bar in front of him and he turned sharply towards her.
"You really believe that?" he asked angrily.
She didn't look surprised or jump back away from him. Instead she met his hurt filled angry eyes with her own clear blue ones.
"I have to Daniel," she said quietly, "If not what's the point? Of any of this? Of us?"
He hung his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry Sam, I didn't… I didn't mean to snap."
"It's okay." She said stroking his arm soothingly.
"Listen Sam, I just need some time to…think. Would you mind…?"
"Of course not." She reached up and kissed him on the cheek and he sighed grateful to her. "I'll see you later?"
"Yeah. Later."
She left silently and picking up the tape he moved towards the darkened far corner and sank down to the floor, resting his back against the wall.
The last thing he wanted was more visitors, and he knew people would be looking for him.
He just needed to…think, to gather his shattered thoughts and feelings together and get them to make some sort of sense.
He needed to just…
"I need you to just hang in there."
…hang in there. He gripped the plastic box tighter. He'd do the only thing Janet had ever wanted him to do. The only thing she'd ever asked of him.
He'd hang in there.
Finis
© 2004 Copyright held by the author.