Disclaimer: Do not own. Wouldn't you be shocked if I did??

This story was written as a competition between -Icey Alchemist- and me. We picked a pairing and gave 5 conditions/objects for the other to include. Mine were as follows:

1) fancy motel (object)
2) hamster (object)
3) random Xiao Mei appearance (condition)
4) really hot day (condition)
5) random conversation about hot dogs (condition)

All right, this is supposed to be funny, so tell me how I did, please:)

"Wow, the beach was really fun, Greed, thanks for taking me!" Dorochet said happily as Loa drove them in the car afore-mentioned Homunculus had rented to conduct them (them being Dorochet, Greed, Kimbley, Marta and Loa) to and from the beach and their motel on their little vacation to Recanto and the surrounding area.

"Did you know that Recanto's famous for it's cheap hot dogs…" he rambled off, but only Marta was paying him any attention; she was mushed between the dog and ox chimeras in the front seat.

"If he keeps that up I won't take him again," Greed muttered to Kimbley. The Crimson Alchemist was lying in the back seat with his head on Greed's lap, dozing. He was only wearing swim trunks as it was a rather hot day.

"I could blow him up if you'd like," he said lazily, yawning a little. "God, Greed, can't you wear different pants? Leather doesn't make a very good pillow!" he complained, only half-jokingly. "Can't you get a decent pair of cotton or polyester slacks?"

Greed chuckled and traced Kimbley's lips with one finger, growling a little as the other nipped at the digit.

"But then I wouldn't be wearing tight leather PIMP pants, I'd be wearing cotton or polyester slacks."

"So? They're comfy," the alchemist grumbled, sitting up. "Hey, Loa, how much longer?"

"Five or ten minutes," the giant chimera answered. He was wearing his usual blue uniform despite the sweltering heat.

"D'you think it'll be a fancy motel, Marta?" Dorochet asked. "Because I hope…" and he rambled off. Again.

Unfortunately (for her) Marta was stuck in the front seat with the hyper-talkative Loa, which must have been quite toasty, but none of the chimeras seemed to notice the heat. In fact, Kimbley was the only one showing any signs of discomfort at all.

"Aren't you hot?" Kimbley demanded irritably of Greed.

The Homunculus smirked, displaying noteworthy sharp teeth. "Smokin' hot, Kim'. You?" he said innocently.

The State Alchemist rolled his golden eyes. "Way hotter than you! How can you stay so cool though, really?"

"Comes naturally," Greed replied mockingly. More seriously, he added, "It's the Ultimate Shield. Cools off the rest of my body."

"So that's your secret," Kimbley muttered as they pulled up to the motel.

The five strolled into the lobby to order their rooms, but Dorochet was distracted by rodent squeaks coming from the corner.

Further inspection revealed a hamster being terrorized by a miniature panda.

"No, save the rodent!" exclaimed the dog chimera, leaping forward to save the rodent in distress.

He snatched it up, narrowly avoiding mauled digits, just as a little Xingese girl ran in.

"Xiao Mei, there you are!" the girl exclaimed happily, a relieved expression on her child-like face as she scooped up the panda.

Alphonse stuck his head through the door. "Hurry up, Mei, brother's getting impatient!" he called.

"Okay!" She ran out, clutching the panda to her breast.

And that was the first time Greed saw or heard of Al. But whatever.

"Hey, what's this?" asked Marta, walking up behind Dorochet. "Oh, food!" and she snatched up the hamster and ate it.

The clerk managed to ignore most of this, and Greed did his best to keep the man occupied.

"Yes, three one bed rooms," the Homunculus told him.

The clerk typed something into the cash register.

"Fifty dollars, sir."

Greed muttered something, a curse, probably, under his breath and forked over the money, doing his best to ignore Dorochet's dismayed cries.

He took the keys handed to him and gave two sets to Loa, telling the chimera to give one set to Dorochet and Marta, before dragging Kimbley off (not to say that Kimbley was exactly resistant) to help the Homunculus 'relieve tension'.

Loa glanced over at Dorochet and Marta. The dog chimera was sniffling and the snake chimera was trying (unsuccessfully) to comfort him.

With an inward sigh, Loa walked over to them.

"Here's your keys." He held out the key chain for one of them to take.

Dorochet looked up, tears and consumed hamster forgotten. "Only one set?" He frowned. "Why's that? And did I hear correctly? Did Greed only get three rooms?"

Loa blinked. "Um... Hm, yes," he said impassively, falling back on a fail safe response.

"What do you mean? Why are Kimbley and Greed in the same room?" Dorochet persisted.

"...You're joking," Loa said finally, frowning a little.

The dog chimera started laughing. "Yup .C'mon, Marta, you gotta make the hamster you just ate up to me." He grabbed the blonde's arm and led her off to their room.

"...Unbelievable," Loa muttered, following. He didn't envy all the copulating his friends (except Kimbley, whom he didn't consider to be a friend) did, although it certainly was interesting.

Greed studied the drowsing alchemist's face silently.

"What?" Kimbley asked. "Stop staring at me! I'm hungry, isn't there anything to eat?!"

"We could always try some of those infamous cheap hot dogs..."

So, opinions? Did you like or hate it? I hope the characters were at least partially IC... Also, if you don't want to review or anything, do you think you could just give me a rating between 1-10 (1 being terrible, 10 excellent)? Thanks.

Also, I'm looking for someone to possibly beta my stories? If you're interested, review or send me a message, thanks!

-QS-