"It was a clumsy and uncertain love.
A first love that, like a flower bud torn off by a gust of wind before it had the chance to bloom, ended without ever beginning."
This is his story.
Kou was a simple-minded boy at thirteen years and four months. Pureness defined him as a person, and the people around him wouldn't have it any other way. In all honesty, Kou was rather disgruntled about his slight stature and skinny limbs. He disliked that his voice still sounded like a child's, and was especially annoyed with the fact that he, among all of his tall, stocky, deep-voiced friends, had not hit puberty yet. Kou sometimes was afraid that maybe he'd never hit puberty at all. His older brother Youichi had told him not to worry. "I was a late bloomer too," he said, ruffling Kou's soft, jet-black hair. "You'll grow soon enough." Kou had been annoyed with this answer, retorting with "But when is soon enough?" Sure, Kou loved his brother and looked up to him, but most times, he was rather unreliable.
To Kou, the topic of girls was a completely unknown territory. He had neither sisters nor any female cousins, so the only close female figure he ever had growing up was his own mother. His friends spoke of girls as though they were intriguing objects, often commenting on how cute their faces, or how large their breasts were (which, really, made him feel a little disgusted in them). To be frank, girls made him somewhat uncomfortable. They were loud, always giggling about something or the other, constantly chatting and gossiping, and were sometimes rather vicious (he once chanced upon, from the first story window, a group of girls ganging up on a single girl, pushing her against the wall and interrogating her, from what he could deduce from their conversation). He always took care as to not get too close to them despite chiding himself for his cowardice.
But one day - yes, as cliché as it sounded - everything changed.
An accidental glimpse was all it took to catch his interest. Her smooth, shoulder-length burgundy hair, her pale skin and those... big, brown eyes that looked earnestly, yet flashed hints of shyness and insecurity. He couldn't help it, but to him, she sparkled among the rest.
He didn't know when it had started, but it was already a habit by the time he noticed that he was constantly following her with his eyes. Constantly searching for her in every hallway, constantly seeking her out whenever he passed by her classroom, which was thankfully, right next to his.
She was much different from the other girls; it was one of the things he had first noticed about her. Instead of being loud and obnoxious and chatty, she was quiet and shy. Often, during those (rather intimidating) times where a bunch of girls would group together and gossip, she simply stood there, sometimes smiling softly or agreeing with the things her friends were saying with a gentle nod. How she daydreamed a little and was caught unaware when it was her turn to speak was so endearing to him. How she fidgeted with those small hands of hers when she was a little nervous made him want to take them into his own and keep them still, to reassure her that it was all right.
After a while, he came to a sudden realization. Was this how it was? To like someone? He couldn't think of anything else, he had never felt like this before, ever. What else could it have been?
Her name, he soon discovered, was Yoshioka Futaba.
When he first knew her name, he constantly thought about the day where he would've been able to call her by just Futaba, to which she'd answer with a shy "Yeah?" and look his way with those eyes of hers. Just thinking about it would make his ears feel hot.
When he learned how to write her name in kanji, he found himself absentmindedly scribbling "Yoshioka Futaba" all over his exercise books. This continued for a solid week until his brother peeked over his shoulder and began pestering him playfully about whether she was the girl he liked. Kou, refusing to admit it despite having the nail being hit on the head, accused his brother of interfering with his studies while promptly clutching his book securely to his chest, away from unwanted attention.
The first time he had spoken with her, their first conversation, was something that he'd always remember.
Cops and Robbers was a children's game, something he hadn't really done since elementary school. Everyone was a little skeptical about playing when someone suggested it one afternoon during recess.
When he saw Yoshioka and her friends on the field, their eyes met. She quickly averted her gaze and he felt a little disappointed. Just a little.
"I don't really mind..." she had murmured when her friend in pigtails asked if she had wanted to play.
With that, the game commenced. "Rock, paper, scissors!" Kou promptly secured himself with a well-hidden spot between the side of the verandah and a short hedge. He crouched down as low as he could as to not be seen by the "cops".
The rustling of grass and a soft "Oh," came from behind him. Kou turned around to see Yoshioka crawling in from around the corner. She apologized, looking down in embarrassment. "Sorry, I'll go somewhere else." Before she could leave, Kou found himself grabbing on to her arm.
"Now's not good, the cops are here," he said urgently, in a hushed tone. On impulse, he held his arm backwards in a protective stance.
"Oh, true." she mumbled into his crook of his shoulder. "Thanks."
"Yeah."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a cop glance in their direction. Hastily, Kou sat back onto the grass. "Woah. Dangerous," he said. "I was almost seen just now".
In this position, Kou could feel Yoshioka's soft breathing tickling his neck, could feel her inhaling deeply. Her breath was warm and moist, and he simply could not resist the urge to turn around. He found her face barely inches away from his. She promptly turned red and averted her eyes, her full lips trembling slightly.
So cute. Was it even possible for anyone to be this cute?
He was forced out of his thoughts when he heard someone say "Hey… doesn't it look like there's someone over there? I'm going to check." Kou got back onto his knees. He didn't want to be found, but he didn't want her to be found either. He decided to take a chance. "Stay here," he said, and then he made a run for it, swerving away from the cops as best as he could.
Before he could blink, he was surrounded, and then he was caught. He had no regrets, because it was all good fun. Laughing jovially, they placed him in the makeshift prison consisting of a large circle drawn in the dirt. At least now they won't find her, he thought to himself.
But then, there she was, running towards him as fast as she could. Her chest was heaving, and she was taking great gulps of air. His favorite pair of eyes were looking straight at him, her eyebrows furrowed in determination, her cheeks flared.
What an amazing expression, he couldn't help thinking. It was beautiful.
Little did he know, the sight of Yoshioka running towards him with all her might would later save him from his darkest dreams.
Her thin arms reached out to grab a hold of him, to make some form of physical contact, and yet... And yet...
In the end, they both ended up in the makeshift prison. She had failed to touch him, to help him break out of there – but Kou found himself not minding one bit.
She was the one who broke the silence. "I was trying to help you…" she said softly.
"Yeah," he replied. He knew.
More silence came.
"…Um. Thanks," Kou found himself saying. He wanted to be honest with her.
"When you came running for me, I was pretty… no, very… happy."
He barely noticed her voice cracking when she replied a soft "Yeah". His head was buried in his knees, but he could practically feel the heat radiating from her cheeks. Or was that coming from his own face? He couldn't really care less.
After that day, he found an interesting change whenever he caught himself watching her. This time, she would always be staring back, right at him. Without fail, the both of them would look away once… before turning back to look at each other again.
August in Osaka was famous for its' sudden summer downpours. One moment, the sky would be clear as day, yet in the blink of an eye, heavy torrential rainfall would be start pelting down before you even realized it.
On his way home, Kou felt the telltale moisture spreading on his shoulders and the back of his neck and knew he had to make a run for it before he got completely soaked. He didn't have an umbrella so he ran towards the local shrine, the closest thing to shelter he had at the moment.
A crunch of leaves announced the arrival of another person trying to shelter themselves from the rain.
Ah. It was Yoshioka. Funny how coincidences were. They nodded to each other in acknowledgement and stood there without saying anything for a while.
"It's pouring all of a sudden, huh?" he said out loud, almost desperate to get rid of tension as thick as the rain pouring around them.
"Yeah," she replied, looking surprised. He wasn't sure what else to say, so the tension continued on.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, she blurted out "Are you going to the festival?"
He turned to look at her, his cheeks beginning to redden. "Huh?" Was that an invitation?
Her own face changed into the color of beetroot. "I-I wonder if Yumi-chan is going… I'll have to ask her…" she rebuffed shakily. From where he stood, Kou noticed the moisture from the rain on her fringe and on her face. He extracted his gym shirt from his bag and walked over to her, placing it over her head.
"You can use this if you want," he said.
"Gym clothes?"
"Use it to wipe dry with, so you don't catch cold."
She looked at him skeptically, and he knew what she was thinking.
"Don't worry, I haven't used that one," he smiled, "…more than once."
"Uwah! So you have used it!" she exclaimed incredulously.
He couldn't help laughing at her reaction; he found it hilarious. She simply stared at him and averted her gaze, yet again. "Whatever," she said. "I'll use it."
"…Thank you," she added quietly, endearingly. Kou could feel all the blood in his body rushing to his head. He couldn't help that she was adorable. How great it would be if she liked him, too…
The next day at school, Yoshioka visited his classroom and called him out.
"Here," she said, handing him his shirt, which he noticed was already washed and ironed. How kind of her. She took a step backwards, seemingly unsure if she should stay to talk some more. Kou suddenly remembered the plan he thought of before he went to sleep the night before.
He took a deep breath before asking, as casually as he could, "The summer festival. Are you going?"
He couldn't have been more eloquent. A myriad of thoughts ran through his head and he had trouble thinking of what he had wanted to say to her.
"Huh?" she looked at him in surprise.
"Did you already make plans with your friends?"
"Um… not ye-"
"Seven o'clock. In Sankaku Park. By the clock," was all he could manage before having his cheeks flood with color. He swallowed nervously and removed his arm that had been shielding his face, curious yet afraid to see how she was looking at him.
Knowing Yoshioka, he had half-expected her to be just as shy as he was. He imagined she'd be looking down in her own embarrassment, with her cheeks flushed as well.
He had been correct on one count, but wrong on another. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that she was staring right at him, her eyes wide and expectant - with her cheeks glowing a bright cherry red.
"Uh-uhm..." she started. Things were looking good, until an unforeseen interruption came in the form of Kou's friend, Naitou.
Naitou was good company, in Kou's opinion. He was popular with girls too, something Kou would never see nor understand. He saw Naitou as a good friend, but thought of him as brash and annoying at times... namely, right now.
"Ooooh? What're you two doing, just the two of you?"
Perfect, just before Yoshioka was given the chance to answer. Kou found himself suddenly nervous at what she would tell Naitou, so he decided to feign disinterest and said a half-truth. "She just returned something," he said, finding his feet involuntary bringing him back into his classroom and silently berated himself for not being honest enough. Perhaps, if he had told the truth then, he wouldn't have needed to listen to those hurtful words that came out of her mouth when he decided it was safe enough to walk back out.
"...You all act like idiots! I really hate boys!" she had yelled, her pretty face red with anger and mouth grit in fury. Naitou had been taken aback at her sudden outburst, but it couldn't compare to Kou's own shock.
She said so clearly that she hated boys, did that mean that she had hated him too? Did she think he acted like an idiot? Did every conversation they had, his lending of his gym uniform, his invitation to the festival... did she hate all of that? Were all his attempts to get closer to her, nothing but a bother?
He couldn't face her. He simply couldn't look her in the eyes anymore, not after what she had said. He still found himself watching her from a distance, but only when her back was turned or when she was busy doing something else. He had accidentally caught her gaze ever so often, but was too afraid to hold it for even a second longer, in fear that those beautiful eyes would display even a flash of contempt for him. He forced himself to look away from her from then on.
Then the summer holidays began.
Kou was a simple-minded boy. He believed that if a man married a woman, they would be in love and stay together always until they died. There was no other way it could be.
That was precisely the reason why his parent's decision to divorce brought Kou into a state of disbelief. They had brought it up softly over dinner one day.
"We simply don't love each other anymore," his mother told him when he asked why. His father silently nodded in agreement. No more words were exchanged after that, and the dinner table remained quiet until it was time to wash the dishes. Kou noticed that even though they said that they didn't love each other anymore, his mother would still give his father her portion of tempura because she knew it was his favorite, and that his father still took extra special care when he washed his mother's beloved porcelain teacup, placing it gently on the drying rack.
It was decided that his mother and him would move to Nagasaki, his mother's hometown which he had only visited once when he was a child, while his brother and father would remain in Osaka due to his father's demanding job and his brother's university exams. The moving truck would arrive in four days to transfer their things first, while Kou and his mother themselves were set to move on the following Monday. He wouldn't be able to see his friends in school again. Kou then realized in dismay that the day before his departure, Sunday, was the day of the Summer Festival. Sunday was the day he had arranged to meet with Yoshioka at seven by the clock at Sankaku Park. It dawned on him that Sunday was his one last chance to tell her about the feelings that had been brewing ever since the beginning of middle school, his one last chance to say goodbye.
Sunday soon came, and his parents fought. They had never argued like this before, not once in their twenty-two years of marriage. His father had hurled his mother's favorite teacup, and various other breakables, across the room, shattering into a mass of tiny shards. His mother, a usually happy person, was screaming at his father, angry tears streaming down her face. They yelled at other, fingers were pointed, and he didn't dare intervene. Why on earth wasn't his brother home today of all times? When the fourth plate was thrown into the adjacent wall, Kou decided to seek sanctuary behind the closed doors of his bedroom, his hands over his ears to block out any angry voices or the breaking of glass that could be heard through his paper-thin walls.
His alarm clock told him that it was six-forty five. If the fight hadn't erupted between his parents, he would already be by the clock at Sankaku Park, a whole fifteen minutes early. He had previously considered the possibility that perhaps she wouldn't come based on what she had said, but a loud voice at the back of his head told him that she was not that kind of person. He would've waited for her for as long as it took for her to come anyway. He had that much trust in her.
The clock continued to tick while his parents continued to argue despite his ardent wishes for both to stop. The clock read 8:06pm and his heart sank to his stomach. It had been over an hour. He hadn't told her that he wouldn't be able to make it. Could it be that she was still waiting for him to come? The anxiety that had been clawing away at his head was slowly overwhelmed with guilt plaguing his heart.
When he emerged from his bedroom, his mother was crumpled on the floor in a defeated, sobbing slump. His father had stormed out, neglecting to even close the front door properly. The sight of his mother looking so broken would be imprinted in Kou's memory for a long time, longer than he would've liked. Slowly, he kneeled forward and extended his slender arms towards her, allowing her to crawl into his embrace and cry into his shoulder. Every sob, every shudder, broke a fragment off his heart until he felt like there was nothing left. Nothing at all.
Kou thought of Yoshioka Futaba on the cab journey to the airport. He thought of her when he was on the plane, departing from Osaka, the place he had called home for the last thirteen years. He thought of her when they arrived in Nagasaki, a place unknown and unfamiliar to him.
When he arrived in his new house, which was still full of unpacked boxes, he decided to stop thinking about her, and placed her at the very back of his mind.
Protecting his mother was his duty now. It was no longer his father's. It was no longer his big brother's. It was his now. And this new house was now his home. There was no time to think about a girl whom he probably wouldn't ever see again. Even if she was the only girl who could ever catch his eye. Even if she was the only girl he had ever felt was important to him.
It was a vague, fumbling love...
But it was love nonetheless.
He wouldn't think about her for now, yes, but Yoshioka Futaba would forever be part of his most treasured memories. That was for sure.
That was for sure.
A/N: Thanks so much for reading; do review cos reviews are fun! Pardon the ridiculous number of grammatical errors, like my previous one-shot, this was mostly written past midnight. I was inspired by Bikkuri's translation of the AHR light novel, hence the snippet at the very beginning. I found it absolutely beautiful and thought that hey, Kou needs to have his side of the story told too! Well, his story the way I see it anyway, heheh ^^"
Anyhoo, this story was sitting on my desktop for a pretty long time and I finally found the time to finish it off! I know, there's probably a lot of holes in the story and I apologize D: Hope you enjoyed it to some extent anyway :3