The Other Side of Me

by Makkitotosimew

There are two sides to every story, and Alice thinks it's time you heard hers. The APOV version of The Coldest Story Ever Told - not just a retelling. Rated M for language and some allegedly really hot lemons. ;

Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer. Never have been, never will be. Well, maybe for Halloween. And I don't own the one song referenced in here, or the song that inspired the title, either. Please don't make me say which song that is. It's really embarrassing. If we must say anything at all, let's just say it has something to do with a Biblical name and a state whose name is derived from the Spanish word for "mountain".

I know each and every one of you who read The Coldest Story Ever Told at some point thought, "God, what a heartless bitch" or, "Ugh, useless [word I'm not going to say because it upsets one of my best friends, who I do hope is going to read and enjoy this]." Well, there's a lot more to Alice than any of you ever expected...

A brobdingnagian (don't you just love that word? I didn't even make it up! Seriously, wiki it!) thank you to my completely awesome friend and brand new masterbeta, calikisses - the original. Accept no imitations. ;) Love you, Annabelle! Your beta work is masterful. ;) [big puffy heart]

Only slightly smaller thank yous to iciripiciri for asking the hotseat question that inspired this story and calin-durus for introducing me to half the music I listened to while writing this. And only slightly smaller thank yous than that to the ladies who keep me going with their love, support and friendship: JScript24/BBSapphire24/whatevertheHaleyou'regoingastoday, ferzinha, kirmit, and all the other lovely girls who know they rock my socks. I'd be lost and uninspired without you all.

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"Things will be different for you this time, Lizzy. Better," my mother promised as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

She was right; of course things would be different. We were in a different house, a different city, a different life. I had just turned seventeen and we had just lost my father – nothing would ever be the same. When daddy passed, he left us an unimaginable sum of money my mother hadn't even known he'd been saving. He'd once referred to it as his "rainy day fund" when I'd overheard him on the phone with his accountant as a child. Now, it seemed a highly appropriate name – not only was it raining, it was pouring.

Mother set aside a fair chunk of the money daddy left us for fear of wasting it all and having nothing to show for our loss, but she couldn't quash her intrinsic need to try and make our lives better. She'd always told me it was okay to want and to be without, because money couldn't buy happiness. Suddenly, it seemed as if her only goal in life were to prove that philosophy untrue. She decided we needed to start over and moved us clear across the country to a strange new town and a strange new life.

"You're not the girl you were back there," she said, dragging me back to the present. "We're not the same as we were back there." She leaned back, holding me at arms' length. "Just look at you, Lizzy. You're beautiful."

For a moment, the thought that she'd never considered me beautiful until just now flickered through my mind, a sharp pang of hurt stabbing me in the heart. I supposed I couldn't blame her; I'd never been beautiful, just horrifically and disappointingly awkward. I wasn't the daughter any woman would ask for.

But now… now I was beautiful. Mother had paid a fortune to change me from the girl I was back home to the girl she wanted me to be in our new life. My teeth had been straightened by those horrible clear plastic braces, my hair treated by a master stylist who taught me how to keep away the insipid frizz the kids at my old school had so enjoyed mocking, and an overpriced cosmetologist had taught me how to do my makeup, now that I had makeup to do. The finishing touch was a shopping spree at a range of stores my mother had not even allowed me to window shop at in our old life. My new wardrobe would make even the most popular girls at my old school green with envy.

"Tomorrow is a new day," Mother said sincerely, cupping my cheek with her hand. "A new day for a new Lizzy. Leave your old self behind and be whoever it is you want to be." She shut my bedside light out and left the room with a quiet, "Goodnight, baby."

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First day… A chance to change everything. A chance to leave Frizzy Lizzy behind and step into a new life, I thought as I climbed out of the canary yellow Porsche Mother had insisted upon buying me for my birthday. I looked down at the much abused course schedule in my hand, noting the name scrawled across the top in the secretary's bubbly handwriting. Alice Elizabeth Brandon.

I'd never liked being called Alice. The name always brought about images of white rabbits and mad hatters and all manners of fantastical, childish things. I'd been Lizzy as long as I could remember. But, Lizzy had been left behind when Mother packed our meager belongings and hightailed it out of the only home I'd ever known. The girl who climbed out of the ostentatious Italian sports car was not a Lizzy – she was an Alice, trapped in a confusing new Wonderland she wasn't even sure she wanted to escape.

I strolled into the school with my head held high, faux confidence plastered on my face as my painfully high heels clicked against the tile. The unnaturally shiny curls I'd worked so hard to perfect bounced flawlessly with each step. You're beautiful. You are not Frizzy Lizzy. Frizzy Lizzy is dead. You are Alice Brandon, and you are perfect, I repeated over and over in my head as I tried not to give in to the butterflies in my stomach and run back home.

As I walked in what I sincerely hoped was the direction of my first class, I noticed someone staring at me. Not just someone – a boy. A boy with crazy bronze hair and an aura of confidence and superiority emanating from him as his piercing green eyes locked on me. A nervous thrill shot through me as the self-conscious side of my brain assured me he was just biding his time to come up with the best insult possible. But as I walked by and watched his jaw drop and his eyes sparkle with mischief, I knew he wasn't plotting against me. For once, a member of the male species was looking at me because he legitimately wanted me, not because he intended to torment me. Lizzy would have sold her very soul for a moment like that, but Alice… Alice expected it.

"Take a picture. It'll last longer," I sniped as I walked by him, doing everything I could not to openly pay him any attention. I fought to keep my expression steady as I stood in awe of my suddenly brash and deserving attitude. I'd thought it would be difficult to step into Alice's pointy Manolos, but it was so easy it was stunning.

"I'm Edward Cullen," the boy finally said as he all but ran to catch up to me. Lizzy would turn and politely, yet sheepishly, introduce herself; Alice had a different approach.

"And I care why?" I shot, my voice dripping with arrogance. It was hard not to look at him. He was lovely and enticing and everything I'd ever wanted, and I still couldn't convince myself I was deserving of his attention. Sure, I could fake it, no problem. Actually believing it, however, was an entirely different issue.

"Because you're standing in my wing of the school." He gestured above us and my eyes fell upon a gold plated plaque that read, "Carlisle and Esme Cullen Science Wing." I fought the urge to point out the complete lack of an "Edward" in that statement and assumed the couple with the superior-sounding names must have been his parents. Lizzy immediately felt insecure standing in the presence of someone with enough money to donate an entire wing to an expensive, elite preparatory school, but Alice shoved her out of the picture, as so many people had done all her life.

A sly smile spread easily across my face as I turned to finally give him the attention he so obviously craved. "So I am," I commented, unnervingly impressed with not only his appearance but his money. Only superficial people were impressed by money; decent people were impressed with character, money and status be damned. I extended a hand toward him, palm down as I'd seen done in movies, and introduced myself as he took my hand and gently kissed it. With that one move, that one refusal to question what I was sure was a pretentious misstep on my part, he had me. Caught – hook, line and sinker.

When Edward called only a day later to ask me to dinner, my heart skipped. More than skipped, it almost stopped beating. The girl who had never been on a single date in her life was suddenly worthy of spending time with the most gorgeous boy she had ever laid eyes on. I began to think maybe there really was something to Mother's "new life" concept.

Some part of me decided, without my even being aware, that if I deserved Edward, I deserved everything. I was no longer satisfied with the poorly concealed glances from various boys on campus; I needed more. The boys wanted me, but I needed the girls to want to be me too. As Lizzy slipped further and further away, Alice decided the only people worthy of being with her were the rich and the popular – the most elite fish in the elitist pond of prep school. In no time whatsoever, I found myself the queen bee of campus, and I ruled with a pouty grin and an iron fist.

I had it all – money, good looks, popularity, the greatest boy imaginable. I thrilled every time Edward would shoot a classmate a knowing and slightly dangerous look after he caught them staring at me. His obvious jealousy probably should have disgusted me, but all it did was turn me on and make me want more. Somewhere along the line, my now devious brain told me he would be even more jealous if I spoke to them; if I gave them the time of day as I had to him when we first met. In my head, I could see his eyes widen and an angry fire spark in them as he took in the sight before him, and I was sold on my likely horrible idea.

At the end of the next day, I left Edward standing by my locker and excused myself to visit the ladies' room. Staring at the reflection of the girl I could no longer recognize, I touched up my lip gloss and prepared to put my plan into action. I hiked up my blue and green plaid skirt a couple extra inches and strode into the hallway, surveying the area for the best candidate. Ahhh, the varsity quarterback. Perfect, I thought. I glanced quickly down the hall, making sure that my dear boyfriend's eyes were on me, and strode past the poor, unsuspecting jock. I gave him the most sultry look I could muster up and said something completely asinine about his "tight end," and before I knew it, Edward was at my side and pulling me into the empty classroom across the hall.

"What the hell, Alice?!" he screamed, his eyes burning with the exact fire I had imagined the night before.

"What're you talking about, Edward?" I asked, the very picture of innocence. Somewhere deep inside, the ghost of Lizzy spat comments about my reprehensible behavior and how disgusted she was that it came so easily. The ability to ignore her came even more easily to me than my so-called reprehensible actions.

"I saw you! I heard you! God, Alice, the way you looked at him! I'm supposed to be the only one who gets to see that look on your face." He sounded disappointed more than jealous, and I was sure my innocent expression faltered as my heart broke a little for him. "How long has this been going on?"

"What?" I stammered. I'd thought he would just be jealous, that, if I were extremely lucky, he would become the caveman I knew lurked inside, throw me against the wall and show everyone what was his. I never thought he would start flinging accusations.

"You heard me. How long has this been going on?"

"Nothing's 'going on,' Edward. Jesus, guilty conscience much?"

His eyes went wide and his nostrils flared slightly as blatant fury swept through him. "I have nothing to feel guilty about, unlike you, you conceited little bitch." I inched backward as he stepped closer to me, the fire dancing in his eyes, until I bumped into the teacher's desk with a barely audible gasp.

"Conceited bitch…" I repeated, awestruck. I shook my head at him as my own anger flared up. "You judgmental asshole! How dare you accuse me of something like that! Do you have any idea who I am?" Do you have any idea who you are? Lizzy whispered; as always, I ignored her.

"Go fuck yourself, Alice," he spat, his eyes locked on mine. The absolute disdain in his expression did the oddest things to my mind and my body. I didn't like his attitude. I didn't like him pretending to hate me. I didn't like the quarter inch of space between us. I threw my hands behind his neck and pulled him to me, putting all the anger and aggravation I felt into kissing him.

"Take me, Edward," I breathed as his fingers dug into my back and his teeth hungrily grazed the flesh of my throat. "Now. Here. Don't make me wait." In a flash, his hands were cupping my ass and lifting me onto the heavy, wooden desk behind me. I laid back, shoving piles of ungraded tests and ugly metal pencil holders to the ground as Edward threw my skirt up and all but ripped my panties off. I didn't even have time to blink before his pants hit the ground and he needily thrust into me.

It hurt like hell and I wanted to cry and tell him to stop, to give me a moment to compose myself. But he pulled me up by my waist and kissed me with a passion I'd never felt from him before, and all the pain and worry vanished as quickly as they'd come. He slid his hands to my hips and I leaned back, my palms splayed against the poor, crinkled oversized calendar covering the desk. I tried to think, to thank God that my mother had been so sure of my new look that she'd forced birth control pills on me, but all I could do was feel and barely breathe. My head lolled back and I felt the curled ends of my hair brush against the desk as though even they were filled with hyperactive nerves. My nails scratched the paper of the calendar so hard they tore a hole straight through last Tuesday, and my toes curled with such force that I thought they might deform my shoes.

"Edward," I panted breathlessly as the most unimaginable pleasure washed over me. I'd never felt anything like it before, not even on the loneliest of my lonely nights.

He grunted and groaned from the end of the desk as his hips met mine over and over again, until finally, he made the sexiest noise I had ever heard and collapsed against me, his forehead resting against my stomach as we both tried to catch our breath.

"I'm sorry," he breathed against my stomach. My mind whirled trying to figure out why he would be apologizing at a time like this. I felt all sorts of emotions, but sorry was definitely not one of them.

"For what?" I asked, finally letting my arms rest and laying my head down on the desk.

"Fighting with you, accusing you of things you didn't do, being a complete and total asshole."

"Forget about it. It's fine."

"Can I at least apologize for hurting you then?"

"I said it's fine, Edward. Let it go."

He lifted his head to look me in the eye, gentle and deserved accusation playing on his face. "I didn't mean emotionally."

"Oh…" I whispered, looking anywhere but at him and feeling the strangest sense of shame and guilt.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's nothing…" I shook my head and straightened my skirt, suddenly overwhelmingly self-conscious.

He stood and pulled his pants back up, fastening his belt as he spoke. "Losing your virginity in angry makeup sex on a teacher's desk isn't nothing, Alice."

"It's fine," I assured him as I hopped down off the desk and headed for the door. "I need to go. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I blew him a kiss as I darted out the door and practically sprinted for my car. I drove home at breakneck speeds – ignoring the fact that all my books, homework and other important things were still in my locker, which was probably still wide open – and cried myself to sleep.

Sometime around three in the morning, I awoke to a darkened room and a note from my mother. Whatever it is, if you need to talk about it, you know where to find me. I love you, baby, and I am eternally and endlessly proud of you. Never forget that. I looked at the picture of my father on my nightstand. "I'm so sorry, daddy," I whispered. "I'll never let you down again. I promise I'll make it right." I spent the rest of my junior year breaking that promise with asinine little tiffs with Edward, followed by passionate, heated makeup quickies in the janitor's closet.

After the shame of realizing Edward was right and that I probably should have talked to him, stopped him, made sure our first time – my first time – was special, I felt lost. I could feel Lizzy leaking back into my persona, and I just couldn't have that. I dove head-first and full-tilt into being and remaining Alice.

When Edward promised to take me away for the summer, I insisted on St. Barts. It was a rich little island, owned by a country whose language positively oozed sex, and I wanted it so badly I could taste it. I imagined our continual closet trysts becoming slow, loving experiences on the warm sand of the island's many beaches. I heard Edward's velvet voice whispering sweet things to me in French. I needed St. Barts, and, with one pouty request, I got it and everything I'd imagined about it.

When school started up again, things went back to usual. Instead of the passionate love-making we'd done in St. Barts, we were back to the unnecessary arguments and rough makeup sex everyone had come to expect from us. It wasn't enough for me anymore. I'd tasted absolute bliss and I needed it like an addict needs his next fix. Much like an alcoholic, when I couldn't have high-end vodka, I settled for cheap mouthwash, and sometime during the Christmas holiday, I began fulfilling Edward's empty junior year accusations.

Emmett McCarty… Edward's life-long best friend and the only person I knew who was better at calculus than I was. We formed a study group at the start of winter break, preparing for the more difficult assignments we were sure to get, and, as our classmates and friends vanished to visit family in far-off locales, the group's numbers dwindled until there were only two. We began talking more candidly, discussing things we'd each sworn never to talk about with anyone. Emmett became my closest confidante, and I became his.

He surprised me with a gift when we got together a couple days after Christmas – a silver necklace covered in white and pale blue beads. It was gorgeous and surprisingly me. "I saw it in the store while looking for something for Rosie. It reminded me of you," he explained.

"Thank you so much, Emmett. It's lovely," I said with a sincere smile. "Help me put it on?"

He agreed with a nod and I turned to face away from him, lifting my hair to give him access to my neck. He clasped it surprisingly easily for someone with such large hands. Large hands I never expected to linger and brush softly against my skin once the necklace was on.

"Uhm, thanks again," I said nervously as I turned to face him.

"You're welcome," he answered, his voice every bit as tentative and hesitant as mine. "It looks great on you. Beautiful."

I smiled and blushed and foolishly leaned in to hug him. "I… didn't mean the necklace was beautiful," he whispered as he loosened his hold on me and looked me in the eye.

"Em…" I started, a feeble warning about the invisible line we were clearly about to cross. His lips met mine before I could even finish speaking his name. They were soft and careful. Hesitant, whether from guilt or to prolong the moment, I couldn't tell. His accompanying touch reminded me so much of the way Edward had touched me in St. Barts. I lost all sense, all control, and all my clothes.

"We can't do that again," he breathed as we lay under the thick blanket on his bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering what the hell we'd just done and what havoc it would cause.

"No," I agreed. "Absolutely not."

"And we can't tell Edward."

I nodded, guilt washing through me with every move of my head. I knew the right thing would be to tell Edward, to cancel the rest of our study sessions, to never see Emmett alone again. But Lizzy was the one who always did the right thing; Alice just did what she wanted.

Like the juvenile idiots we were, Emmett and I continued our "study sessions" through the rest of winter break… and at least once a week thereafter. Every foolish union started with a "We can't do this, Alice. It's wrong," and ended with a panted vow never to let it happen again.

As the end of the year loomed, prom just around the corner, we stopped the preambles and the vows and just gave in. The "It's wrong's" rapidly became "I need you's", the promises to never touch again, requests for an immediate repeat. It was exciting and dangerous. Most of all, it was sickening how easy it became to lie to Edward about it, how easy it was to insist my calculus grades were slipping and that I truly did need Emmett's help a couple times a week.

As a stranger twisted my hair up into some painful but beautiful coif and another dabbed random colors on my face in preparation for the night's festivities, I found myself thinking over all the various things I'd done that could potentially ruin everything between Edward and I. I thought about the way he looked at me, the way he smiled at me, the way he touched me, and I decided it needed to end – tonight.

The way Edward held me as he spun me around the floor, my overpriced but perfect gown swirling around us, only cemented my resolve to end things with Emmett. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't hurt him like I was. I couldn't stand the picture in my head of his face when he would inevitably find out. The moment Edward left to visit the men's room, I pulled Emmett aside and told him I needed to talk to him.

"I can't do this anymore, Emmett. I can't hurt him like this. He doesn't deserve it," I told him, shaking my head at the sorrowful image of Edward in my mind.

"I don't want to hurt him either, Alice, but… I don't want to lose you."

"You never had me!" I argued. "You've known all along that we were just having fun. I belong to Edward, and you belong to Rosalie. This isn't right."

"Then why does it feel right?" he asked, backing me against the wall and crushing his lips to mine, one hand holding my neck while the other roughly gripped my waist. I shoved against him, Lizzy screaming in my head to make it stop, that something bad would come of this. His hands made their way to my thighs, caressing them through their nylon covering, and he lifted me up, pressing me hard against the wall as I thoughtlessly wrapped my legs around him and gave in one last time.

His lips burned as they nipped at my throat and I had flashback after flashback of the first time something like this had happened. His fingers grazed the one intensely ticklish spot on my body and I giggled uncontrollably. I tangled my fingers in his hair, hoping he'd touch me there again and wishing very faintly that he was Edward.

I squeaked in surprise as a distinctive, velvety voice rang out from my right, and Emmett dropped me unceremoniously to the ground.

"Edward!" I gasped, blurting out the first thing that came to my mind. "I didn't see you there."

"No shit, you didn't," he snapped. "Just who the fu--," he started furiously. He grabbed Emmett by the arm and I watched as both their faces fell in twisted horror and grief.

"Edward, I'm so sorry," Emmett said, half-apology, half-plea for forgiveness.

"Not as sorry as I am, Em." For the first time in the more than a year I'd known him, I saw Edward's anger boil over into violence as Emmett fell to the floor, blood trickling from his nose. He shot me the most pained look I had ever seen and stormed off, and I felt my breathing accelerate in the terror of losing him.

"Edward!" I shouted, pleading as I ran after him. His steps never even faltered as I shouted his name again.

"EDWARD! PLEASE!" I begged at top volume, tears streaming down my cheeks as my heart broke. "Don't do this. I love you." Neither of us had ever said those words to each other, aware of just how easily used and phony they were in high school, but as they left my lips, I knew they were undeniably true.

"You wouldn't do shit like this to me if you loved me, Alice," he spat, his voice thick with hurt.

"I know. Baby, I know." I held his face in my hands, silently begging his forgiveness and emphasizing my absolute sincerity. "But I do. God, I know I suck at showing it, but I do love you, Edward. You're everything to me."

He looked me coldly in the eye, pulled my hands from his face, and dropped them by my sides. "I can't do this anymore." He shook his head sadly as he spoke.

"What're you saying?" It was a stupid question; I knew exactly what he was saying. I just didn't want to believe it.

"I'm saying I'm done. It's over, Alice. We're over." My heart broke all over again and every lie I'd built my life around cracked and crumbled in my head.

"No. Please," I plead, the sound of Lizzy's I told you so echoing in my head as I sobbed. "We can fix this, baby. We can make it work."

"No we can't, Alice!" he shouted, glaring at me incredulously. "We can't fix you practically fucking my best friend at prom!" The only thing that hurt worse than his words and the look on his face was knowing this was the only time 'practically' applied.

"We were not practically fucking!" I argued, knowing it was a shameful lie.

"Well, what the hell do you call it, Alice? I caught you with your skirt up and your legs around his waist!" He paused, and for a moment I thought he might've had an aneurism or something. An eerie calm washed over his face before a renewed anger flared in his eyes. "He knew where to touch you to make you giggle," he whispered, his face disbelieving. "Jesus Christ, Alice, how long has this been going on?!"

"It's not like that." Another lie. They were coming so easily it made me nauseous.

"A while, then," he said to himself, nodding slowly. "Y'know what? Don't tell me. I don't need to know." He looked at something over my shoulder, but I didn't bother to turn around. I didn't care if it was Satan himself, come to take my evil soul – the only thing that mattered was the boy in front of me.

"I'm done with you," he spat before he turned and walked away. I crumpled to the floor, my dress pooling all around me, as a familiar and sickeningly timely song drifted out the ballroom doors. It spoke to me in ways I was sure no one else could hear, telling me with absolute certainty that the things I'd done to Edward, the things he had been unfortunate enough to see firsthand, were killing him. I was killing him. I'd already done in his love and his trust; he himself was just the last bit. Drop after drop of charcoal-colored saltwater ruined my dress as Rihanna called me a murderer time and time again. I ran home, my feet bleeding as they strained against the narrow straps of my shoes, and threw myself on the mercy of his email.

"Edward, please. You're my everything. I need you," I wrote, the same message day after painful day. Worst was the Monday after prom, when my best friend strolled nonchalantly up to me, slapped me across the face so hard it brought a tear to my eye, and told me she never wanted to see my ugly face again.

"I don't know why I ever liked you," she spat. "You ruined everything, you worthless, two-timing whore! I don't know why Emmett ever laid a hand on you. You're disgusting. You're nothing, you hear me? NOTHING! God help you if you ever touch him again." Then she literally spat at me.

My campus kingdom crumbled around me as word of what I'd done to Edward spread. I was thoroughly shunned, an outcast from my familiar circle; a social leper. I spent days wishing I had never moved, never become Alice, and I wanted nothing more than to go back to being Frizzy Lizzy. Simple mockery was so much easier to handle than outright hatred.

Graduation came and I saw my chance to make things better. Thank God for alphabetical order, I thought as I got dressed not for the day, but for Edward. My mother had insisted on having my flimsy graduation gown unnecessarily tailored – something about making sure I looked absolutely perfect in the pictures she wanted to take – and it fit my curves like a glove. Perfect.

As the keynote speaker droned on and on about the importance of blending maturity, responsibility and a touch of childishness, I thought through my plan. Edward was only three seats away from me and his eyes were locked on my feet as I unconsciously flexed my toes out of boredom. I watched as they traveled slowly up my legs, sparkling with undeniable wanting as I purposefully crossed them and let my gown fall open a bit to show off my skirt. I knew – just knew – that if I could get him wholly hooked on the idea of being with me again, I could make everything better, and I dragged my fingers slowly up my thigh, lifting my skirt as I went, knowing how mad that used to drive him. His tongue flicked out, wetting his lips as he stared, and I was positive I had him.

The dean announced Edward's name, calling him to end his high school career and ruining my hard work. As he crossed the stage, I regrouped and considered another tactic. I tore off a piece of the congratulatory certificate they handed out in place of real diplomas and scribbled on it with the only tool I had – my lipstick.

"Janitor's closet. 1:30. For old time's sake," I wrote, hoping the lack of complete sentences would seem somehow elusive, mysterious and alluring. Within moments of his return, the paper flew back at me.

"Not if my life depended on it. Not after what you did." My heart tried to break, but I forced it back together, refusing to go back to that place of sorrow. I pulled out my phone, ignoring the dean's "no technology during graduation" rule, and texted Edward the first honest thing I could think to say.

"You still want me. And I still love you. –A" Why I felt the need to sign it, I didn't know; it just came out as I typed, my nails clicking against the plastic buttons.

In no time flat, my phone buzzed in return. "You're right. I do. But you don't. –E" Ouch.

"I miss you. –A" I hated having to say that, but I thrilled as I realized, as harsh as his side of it was, we were finally having an open, honest conversation again.

"I don't care. –E" Double ouch.

"Don't lie to me. –A"

"You taught me how. –E"

I stared at him, shocked that he would say something like that to me, as he snapped his phone shut, tossed his cap aimlessly into the crowd, and stormed off. I never even heard the dean announce our official graduation. All I could hear was a hollow ringing in my ears as my plans failed and Edward left me for a second time.

Summer came and went in a haze of depression and my mother's feeble attempts to cheer me up. I missed deadline after deadline of college acceptances. In the end, I missed every deadline but one and my mother had to promise donations I wasn't sure we still had the money for in order to get me a late acceptance to Berkeley.

For the first time in my life, I lived with someone who wasn't family. My roommate, a shy, quiet girl named Isabella, quickly became my new best friend. We went shopping, we confided in each other, we did all the things expected of two freshman roommates. Once she came out of her shell a bit, we were virtually inseparable.

Bella told me all about the guy three rows ahead of her in Algebra first semester and how she almost signed up for Advanced Chemistry second semester just because she'd overheard him tell a friend he was taking it. "An Adonis with green eyes, bronze hair, and the sexiest voice you've ever heard," she'd said. Before I knew it, I was on my laptop, changing my Biology course to Chemistry.

The first day of class, I delighted in seeing that lab table seats were assigned alphabetically by last name, and I perched myself on the edge of the table holding place cards for Alice Brandon and Edward Cullen. He walked in mere moments after I sat down and his jaw dropped in disbelief.

"Hey, baby," I said, trying to convey an image of both innocence and vixen-like tendencies. I grabbed his name card from the table and held it out to him, smiling. "Looks like we're lab partners."

"What're you doing here, Alice?" he spat, clearly not happy with the idea of sharing a campus with me, let alone a lab table.

"Learning chemistry, of course," I answered as though it were the most obvious thing in the world – which, really, it was. "Though I have to admit…" I began, finally letting my eyes take in every inch of the gorgeous man in front of me. They came to rest on the fly of his perfectly fitted jeans and my mind wandered like crazy. It was all I could do to stay perched on that table, fantasizing and keeping up my faux-vixen façade, and not jump down and tear his pants off in front of the almost-full classroom. I mentally shook off my desires and finished my sentence, "I'd much rather study anatomy." I pouted slightly, knowing what it did to him in high school, and ran my tongue languorously across my upper lip, tasting the gloss I'd put on just before class. "Mmm… Vanilla," I commented with a smirk, hoping he still liked that flavor as much as he had the year before.

I watched as his eyes closed slightly and his teeth sank into his bottom lip, and I hopped delicately off the lab table and closed the distance between us. "Good times, weren't they?" I whispered in his ear, blowing slightly more than necessary as the words left my lips. I could practically hear his heart rate accelerate.

"Yeah," he breathed. "They were. Emphasis on the past tense." Stubborn as always.

"They could be again," I said, running my finger down his chest. I stretched up on my toes and leaned as close to him as I could without our bodies actually touching. "Kiss me, Edward," I pled, barely resisting the urge to add a "please." His sweet breath fanned across my face as both our hearts raced and his breathing became unnaturally fast.

He was hesitating too much; he just needed a little push. "You know you want you," I said, a verbal shove in what I hoped would be the right direction.

"You're right. As always. I do want to," he admitted, and I felt my lips curl up into a contented smile as they waited to feel his against them once more. "But unlike you," he continued, much to my chagrin and astonishment, "I don't do everything I want. Or everyone." I stood stunned, my mouth hanging open unattractively, as he turned and left the classroom.

I had been so close I could taste it, and I wasn't ready to give up on us quite yet. Actually, I was sure I never would be, and Edward was only one or two right moves away from being mine again. All I had to do was figure him out.

As I sat in my room, staring into space and contemplating my next move, Bella walked in and literally handed it to me.

"Jess and I went out for sushi. We would've invited you, but your phone went straight to voicemail. I had them put your favorites in a take-out box," she said, handing me a little plastic tray of all my favorite foods. I thanked her with a sincere smile, changed into something she had once told me would make any guy's resolve falter, checked the campus listings and excused myself, hopefully for the night.

As I walked across the campus to Edward's dorm, I tried to figure out what to say to him, finally settling on the absolute truth. He didn't seem happy to see me when he opened the door, but I offered him my dinner anyway and held the door open when he tried to shut it in my face.

"Edward, please. Just give me a couple minutes. Let me explain myself," I pled.

"There's nothing for you to explain, Alice."

"Please? I just want to make amends." I was sure the look on my face conveyed all the pitiful hope I felt, and I felt a little guilty for only telling him half my motivation for such a late visit. He hung his head and stepped aside, gesturing for me to enter. I thanked him, trying my hardest to put all the sincerity I felt into the words and show him I truly was thankful for his allowing me a chance, even if it was only to talk.

"Y'know," I began, sitting on the edge of his mattress, "I meant every word I said in those emails. I feel lost without you." I handed him the take-out box as soon as he sat down, surprised that he chose to sit on the bed with me instead of in his desk chair. "Go ahead. Eat," I prodded. "I'll talk. And I promise if you want me to leave when you're finished, I will." He nodded his agreement as I handed him the chopsticks Bella had been clever enough to include.

"It was a mistake, Edward," I explained. "I know that doesn't even begin to cover it, but it was. One big fucking mistake. I still can't believe I did it. It was so… so stupid! I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am." I commended myself on sticking with my plan to tell him the truth as he kept tabs on my time by how much of my dinner he'd eaten and allowed me to keep talking.

"I know you'll never believe me, but I do love you." I shook my head unconsciously as I tried to decide how to say what needed to be said. "I guess I just didn't realize what I had until I lost it… until I threw it away, really. I don't blame you for leaving me. I deserved it. I would've left me too." Then again, I never would've dated me in the first place, I added in my head.

He dropped his chopsticks into the plastic tray and looked at me, incredulity written all over his beautiful face. "Please don't tell me you're here to ask for another chance," he said as he all but stared me down. I felt a pang of guilt in the pit of my stomach as my next words came tumbling out.

"No." And there goes the 'tell him the truth' plan. My voice was so earnest it almost shocked me. The ghost of the girl I used to be scoffed in my head, and I couldn't help but agree with her for a change. "God, what I wouldn't give for that," I continued, "But no. Like I said, I just want to apologize." Liar, Lizzy spat.

He held up five fingers, nonverbally indicating that my speech had better be at least half over or it would never be finished. I shuddered at the thought of being thrown out once more without a chance to explain and make amends… and maybe, hopefully, get him back. The idea of having to leave him behind again, of him moving on and forgetting about me, was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I looked at my knees, unwilling to look at him, and sniffled, drawing in a shaky breath to continue my explanation.

"I was a wreck without you this summer. I kept seeing you everywhere, kept remembering all the good times and the sweet moments." I chuckled humorlessly as I remembered the most psychotic of my bad times and prepared to confess it to him and throw all my cards on the table. The tears overflowed and spilled down my cheeks as I spoke. "I swear I hallucinated you in bed with me once. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Edward. I know it doesn't mean anything to you, that I don't mean anything to you. I just wanted you to know." I cried to myself for a moment before the very thing I had hoped for, but been too scared to expect, happened – he put his arms around me.

"Don't cry, Alice," he whispered as he held me. It was the best thing I had ever felt; it even put our first time to shame. I wanted to be in his arms forever, never moving from that spot or that moment.

If you really loved him, you'd do what he wanted, instead of what you want, Lizzy taunted, right as always. "I'm sorry," I sniffled as I turned to wipe my tears and leave. "I'll go now." Get out of your hair and stop being a burden to you, I added in my head. For once, it was doing the right thing that made me feel sick to my stomach.

I shifted my weight to stand up and his hand wrapped around my arm. I looked at him, confused and cautiously hopeful as he reached out and brushed a newly fallen tear from my cheek and asked me not to leave. It felt so good to have his hand cupping my cheek again that I couldn't bear the idea of it vanishing and put my own over it, holding it there.

We sat in awkward silence for so long that I completely lost track of time. Then my every hope came to fruition and he kissed me, softly at first, but quickly escalating into something more. The moment his lips met mine, the world seemed to shift and put everything back into order. This was how things were supposed to be, how they'd be if I'd never messed up so severely. But I needed to know he agreed, needed to know he wanted this.

"Edward…" I whispered, reluctantly pulling away from him and staring into his eyes in search of his own truth.

"Don't talk, Alice," he pled, shaking his head slightly.

"But…"

"Just… don't." He pulled me to him again, and our lips crashed together with mutual need and desire. He threw me on the bed, kissing his way down my neck as my hands roamed his back and heaven combined with the here-and-now.

Before I knew it, he was complaining about the inconvenience of sexy tights – despite the fact that I was actually wearing knee-highs – and watching intently as I performed my first ever legitimate striptease in the middle of his dorm room.

He teased me incessantly with his tongue and his touch, driving me absolutely wild in the process, and the look on his face when he finally got to taking off my panties and realized they were held together by flimsy, satin bows was both priceless and arousing.

The here-and-now vanished completely as heaven took over and I felt him inside me again. He moved slowly, deliberately, half-making love to me, half-tormenting me. I couldn't take it; I wanted fast. I wanted hard. I wanted him to make me scream.

I begged him to go faster, desperate for the delicious friction of the past, and he denied me time and time again. But even Edward, with his seemingly steel resolve, couldn't hold out forever.

"You want faster, baby?" he panted, and I practically whimpered with need as I tried to summon enough coherency to answer.

"God, yes," I finally moaned, anxious to feel him pounding into me like he had so many times before. The first hard thrust alone was almost enough to make me come undone. I bit my lip as he hammered into me, trying my damnedest not to wake the entire dormitory.

"Don't you dare hold out on me, Alice," he commanded as my eyes rolled back in my head and my back arched against him. "I want this whole damn campus to know how you feel right now."

He didn't have to tell me twice. Expletives and his name rushed through my lips at top volume as my entire body shook with pleasure and my nails clawed into his back so hard my hands hurt.

Better than being with him again, than feeling him inside me again, was having his arms around me as we panted and came down from our high. Better still was not being thrown out immediately after and knowing everything was back to being as it should be.

Things were so good from that point on. The feeling of knowing I belonged to and with Edward was all-encompassing and never seemed to fade. There were no stupid fights, no janitor's closet quickies. The closest we even came to our old ways was a disagreement on where to have dinner that resulted in the windows of his Volvo becoming opaque with steam.

As our six-month anniversary approached and we were still happy, I felt like dancing, like celebrating, and it surprised me to discover Edward felt the same. I told him all about the spa resort Bella's mother had gone to and how nice I thought it would be to get away and just have a chance to relax together. He seemed surprised by my low-key suggestion at first, but held me close as he told me he loved the idea of the couple's massages and champagne I'd mentioned. I was sure he'd been expecting me to suggest something as lavish as St. Barts had been in high school, but what he didn't know was I didn't need St. Barts anymore. I didn't need anything but him.

The weekend before our anniversary, Bella suggested we have a girls' night and go out dancing. It sounded like a plan to me. I enjoyed spending time with Edward, but every girl needs girlfriends and girl time. We gathered the girls and headed to Trinity, a trendy little dance club across town.

As Jess pulled into the parking lot and we all climbed out, ready to forget boys for a little while and just enjoy the company of our bubbly counterparts, I laid eyes on the only person I had ever seen who could give Edward a run for his money. He was tall and lean with hectic blond hair and blue eyes that could break your heart with just one glance. I couldn't help but stare.

"Hey," Bella prompted, nudging my arm gently. "You coming or what?"

I shook my head, trying to put the stranger from the parking lot behind me. "Yeah," I said, linking arms with my roommate. "Let's go have fun."

For at least two hours, we did just that. We had fun, we forgot about guys, and we danced and laughed until we couldn't breathe and had to take a seat at the bar.

"Hi," a deep voice rumbled from behind me as I aimlessly stirred my drink with a pointless coffee stirrer. I turned around and locked eyes with the handsome blond I'd been trying to forget about.

"Hi," I blurted thoughtlessly.

"I'm Jasper," he introduced. "And, if you don't mind me saying so, you're beautiful." A nervous and uncharacteristic blush flooded my cheeks at his compliment.

"Thank you. Uhm…" I faltered for words and introduced myself without thinking. "I'm Liz." Oh shit.

"Would you care to dance, Liz?" he asked with an absolutely blinding smile.

"I would love to…" I started, reaching out to slip my hand into his extended one and abandon my drink and my common sense.

"But she can't," Bella jumped in, grabbing my hand and coming to my rescue. "We really have to go. We're running late." She smiled sweetly at Jasper before glaring at me.

"Another time then," he said, smiling and bowing his head slightly, as though tipping an imaginary hat. I swooned at the gesture as Bella dragged me out of the club.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" she shouted as soon as we were in the parking lot. "Do you have any idea what that would've done to Edward?!"

"It was just a dance, Bells," I defended, knowing in the deepest, hidden part of my heart that it would've been far more than 'just a dance.'

"Yeah," she said, still clearly infuriated. "Whatever. Let's go."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. Why are you so upset about this? It was just a nice guy asking me to dance."

"I saw the way you looked at him, Alice, and I won't let you hurt Edward like that."

Jess and Angela came running out of the club, gaping at our unexpected shouting match. "What the hell is going on?" Jess demanded. "I've never seen you two fight like this. It's ridiculous. Just get in the damn car. We're going home."

"But…" I started.

"I said get in the damn car, Alice," she reiterated.

"Yeah, Alice," Bella spat. "Get in the damn car and go spend the night with your boyfriend."

Before our fight could escalate, Jess shoved Bella in the passenger seat and Angela shoved me into the back seat, separating us as much as possible for the drive back to campus. I spent the night in Edward's room just to get away from Bella and her irrational reactions.

The next weekend, Edward whisked me away to the resort, which was even more amazing than I'd imagined. We spent three incredible days being obnoxiously lovey-dovey and making the housekeeper's job far more disturbing than she'd likely ever imagined it could be, and I forgot all about the blond stranger from the club.

For months, things went so well with Edward that I all but forgot there was a time when they hadn't gone so well. Life was perfect. I started having dreams about white gowns and black tuxes, floating bubbles and name changes. Everything was absolutely and undeniably perfect.

That is, until I walked into the lecture hall where my History class was held and saw a very familiar crop of blond hair occupying the once empty seat beside mine.

"Well, hi there, stranger," Jasper said with a smile. "I didn't know you were in this class. Pleasant surprise."

"Hi," I said, sure my eyes were wide as saucers. "I… I didn't know you went here."

"I transferred in a few months back. Actually, I just transferred into this class, too. Art History just wasn't my thing," he explained with a chuckle. "I hope that, too, is a pleasant surprise."

"Very," I replied before I could even think about it. Oh crap.

Thankfully, the professor came in and began his lecture before I could utter another word. When class ended, I smiled politely at my new classmate, explained that my next class was across campus, and ran like hell. I couldn't think about Jasper like my mind kept trying to. I just couldn't. It was wrong on so many levels.

I did everything I could to be his friend and nothing more, and he was always respectful of the distance I put between us. I was thankful for that, but I had a lingering fear that he could see through me, see how transparent I was, sense my every emotion, be it about Edward or himself. I told myself he was untouchable. I even tried to pretend Bella was interested in him so I would feel like a horrible friend if I even looked at him wrong. When that started to fail, I told myself he was too perfect to be true and must be gay. Assuming he played for the other team did the trick for quite some time, and I felt a strange sense of relief as my third year began and my relationship with Edward was still secure.

Our second anniversary loomed ahead and I wanted to do something special to celebrate it… and to put Jasper completely out of my mind, once and for all. I considered various gifts I could make or find for Edward, different places I might sneak off to with him. In the end, I sought out his opinion to be sure it was perfect.

As we watched some godawful made-for-television movie in the common area of his building, I leaned my head against his shoulder and asked him what he thought we should do to celebrate the two blissful years we'd been together without trouble.

"I thought we might go away again, just the two of us," he said, and I snuggled into his side, content with that plan. "As a matter of fact, we already have reservations."

His declaration took me completely by surprise. My heart fluttered as I watched a sly but romantic smile spread across his lips. That smile alone was enough to tell me he already had everything planned, and I knew it would be everything I'd wanted to make it and more. But that didn't kill the curiosity elongating my own smile.

"We do?" I asked, hoping he would tell me all about it.

"We do. And that's all I'm telling you." He kissed me on the nose and asked something about the movie, effectively ending any attempt I might've made to flesh out more about our secret excursion.

After my last class on our anniversary, Edward tossed our bags – packed in advance to make the weekend feel longer – in the trunk of his Volvo and drove me down a very familiar path. My heart skipped when I realized where he was taking me, and I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, informing him that I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with his romantic side.

He left the car with the valet, and I skipped ahead to the check-in desk, eager to get our key and spend the weekend with him. Edward checked us in and handed me the key, allowing me to dance slightly ahead of him as he carried our bags. I turned to him for indications of where to turn and when to stop and quickly realized we were headed toward the same suite we'd gotten the first time we'd been to that resort.

"You got us the same suite," I said, my love for him and his romantic gestures pouring out with each word. He smiled and nodded and I slid the keycard into the lock and skipped happily into the room. The lights were on, but very dim, and soft music drifted throughout the suite. I looked back at Edward, questioning his sweet scheming with my eyes.

I bounded through the room, searching for the source of the music, and found the dining area all set up with candles burning, wine chilling and our dinners waiting for us at our seats.

"Oh, Edward," I muttered as I brought my hand up to cover my mouth and fought against the happy tears threatening to spill out and make a fool of me.

"Do you like it?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind me.

"I love it." I turned in his arms and smiled at him, happier than I could remember being in some time. "I love you."

"I love you too," he answered before kissing me gently. I backed him toward the wall, wanting to show him exactly how much I loved him and his gesture, but he stopped me with a chuckle and insisted we eat first.

Everything was amazing, as it had been our last visit. The food was delicious and the wine was the perfect blend of tart and sweet. If the color hadn't faded from Edward's face as we finished eating, I might have drank half the bottle myself.

"Edward, are you okay?" I asked as I watched him go pale white. He looked positively sick and I worried something might have been wrong with his dinner. I imagined spending the weekend taking care of him instead of being romantic; the thought was far less disappointing than I'd expected it to be.

"I got you a present," he said, and I blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of that answer. I brushed it off as he grinned at me and smiled back at him.

"I got you something too," I told him. "Can I go first? I really want to see your reaction."

Nerves flooded me as I thought about how stupid my gift for him was. When I'd bought it, I thought it was the perfect mix of cute, sweet and silly… but now… Now Bella's words were ringing in my head, reminding me of how childish the gift really was. I felt foolish as I reached into my purse and almost wished I hadn't told him I had something for him in the first place.

I handed him the red suede bag full of "I love you" stones and smiled nervously at him as I explained, "I found them on the internet. They made me think of you."

He opened the pouch, poured a couple stones into his palm and read them aloud before smiling at me.

"You don't think they're stupid, do you? Bella thought they were stupid," I rambled.

"I think they're great, baby," he assured me. "I love them."

"But why do you love them?" I giggled, a ridiculously stupid play on the rocks' various inscriptions.

"Because you gave them to me," he said sincerely as he took my hand and rubbed the back of it with his thumb.

I tried to be content in the moment, to just enjoy the fact that I was with him and that he loved my present, but knowing he had something for me, too, was just too much to contain.

"Can I have my present now?" I asked, feeling like a little girl on Christmas all over again.

"Of course," he answered characteristically, before pulling a small velvet box from his pocket and sliding it across the table until it sat in front of me. Oh my God… My black tux and white gown dream flooded my mind, and at the end of the barrage of sweet images, the blinding smile of a blond man nowhere near me flickered in front of my eyes. I shook it off and gaped at the box in front of me.

"Edward…" I whispered.

"Just open it," he said. I could hear the smile in his voice, and it crowded my stomach with butterflies.

I lifted the lid slowly, nervous beyond reason about what I might find inside. Confusion rushed through me as I found a tiny, folded piece of paper instead of the ring I'd thought I'd see.

"Épouse-moi," I read. My mind raced to make sense of it, but I hadn't put my few and far between French lessons to use since our summer in St. Barts. "I don't know what that…" I started, putting the paper aside and realizing there was far more to my present. "Means," I finished in a shaky breath as I stared at the sparkling red ruby surrounded by diamonds and set on a platinum band. It was gorgeous, but it only made the shock worse. I gaped at Edward, waiting for things to truly click in my mind.

"Marry me."

My jaw shook as I tried to form coherent sentences. I couldn't think. I couldn't even breathe.

After what seemed like an eternity, my brain started working and words started rushing out of my mouth in stuttered breaths.

"Oh my God. I… But… Oh my… Yes! Yes!" I thought I might cry as he pulled the ring out of the box and slid it onto my finger.

"Happy anniversary," he said, still holding my hand. I jumped out of my chair and into his lap and nearly drowned him in kisses and declarations of my love for him.

The moment we got back to campus, I threw myself into planning our wedding. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted the right setting, the right music, the right people. My room became a sea of fabric samples and bridal magazines, and I was positive I came close to scaring Edward off with the massive amount of pictures and suggestions I showed him every time we were together. I was a veritable hurricane of wedding planning, leaving nothing but chaos and taffeta in my wake.

During one of my many trips to the local bookstore in search of more magazines with better ideas, I bumped – quite literally – into a very familiar face.

"Jasper," I gasped as I righted myself after stumbling blindly into him.

"Liz," he smiled kindly at me, dazzling me as always. "Always a nice surprise to run into you. Though it's not usually so literally." His laugh was positively musical.

"I'm so sorry. I really should look where I'm going," I apologized.

"Don't worry about it. Looking for anything in particular?"

"No," I lied unconsciously. "Just poking through the magazines." I reached up to smooth my uncharacteristic ponytail, a nervous habit I'd developed from watching Edward play with his hair in uncomfortable situations.

"Wow," Jasper said, his eyes locked on my hand in my hair. "That's… some ring."

"Oh… yeah…" I mumbled, quickly pulling my hand back down and staring at the ring, sparkling up at me like it knew what I was about to say before I did. "It was my grandmother's." Why did I just say that?

"It's nice." He reached tentatively for my hand, seeking a better look at my ring. Your engagement ring, Lizzy corrected in the back of my head. "May I?"

"Uh… yeah…" I stammered as I slipped my hand into his and he lifted it to within mere inches of his eyes.

"Wow. Impressive. Is it real?"

"I doubt it. My grandmother was never one for fancy jewelry." Or for lying granddaughters, Lizzy spat. I wished she'd just shut up and stay away for good.

"It's a good knock-off then," he said, twisting my hand one way and then the other. "It's remarkably realistic."

"Thanks. It… means a lot to me." I pulled my hand back and looked hard at the ring before meeting his gaze again. "I have to go," I said in a hurry, a million thoughts running through my head at once.

"It was nice bumping into you!" Jasper shouted as I turned around and ran back to my car.

I spent the next few days trying my damnedest to get back into planning my wedding, but my heart wasn't in it and the thought of it made me sick. Every time I tried to picture Edward in formal wear, waiting for me at the end of the aisle at the park I'd booked, all I saw was Jasper. Suddenly, the thought of spending the rest of my life with one person had my stomach turning and my head spinning.

I needed someone to talk to about it. Normally, I would've run straight to Bella, but she'd always been a terrible liar and I couldn't have her accidentally telling Edward what I'd confided in her. Jessica was a gossip in the extreme, and Angela would scold me for having improper thoughts about someone other than my fiancé. I could even practically hear my mother's disappointment if I told her about it. I felt lost and out of options.

Then Edward's roommate – and one of his groomsmen – stopped by to discuss his bachelor party and groom's gift. Mike was sweet, coming to me to make sure I was secure enough in our relationship for him and Edward's father to drag him off to a strip club the night before our wedding. I was, until I thought about how my heart raced and boundaries blurred whenever I was around Jasper. Who was to say the same thing couldn't happen to Edward with some trashy stripper? I couldn't stand the thought of it.

Mike took me out to dinner and convinced me to spill the whole sordid story to him. I told him all about having cheated before and how hard it was to behave around Jasper. He even held me when I cried about it all in my dorm room afterward.

"It'll be okay, Alice," he promised. "Just talk to Edward about it. He'll understand."

"No, he won't," I sniffled miserably into his shoulder. "He'll stop trusting me again. He'll call everything off. He'll… he'll leave me again." I sobbed pathetically as Mike rubbed my back soothingly.

"Would you like me to talk to him for you?" he offered.

"No! You can't tell him! Please, Mike!" I pled. "This has to stay between us."

"Okay," he agreed, stroking my hair in an attempt to calm me down. "Relax, Alice. It'll be okay. Just… don't see this Jasper guy anymore."

"It's not that easy," I whimpered. "He's everywhere. Everywhere I go, I run into him. And every time I close my eyes, I see him. It's… it's sick."

"Okay, let's try something," he suggested. "Close your eyes. Now think about your perfect wedding. See your dress and the park and everyone waiting to see you be happy?" I nodded against his shoulder. "Who's at the end of the aisle, Alice?"

"Jasper," I whispered without even thinking about it. Mike sighed beside me.

"Okay, open your eyes. Look at me." He held my face in his hands. "Now close them again. See me standing at the end of the aisle?" I nodded again. "Who am I standing next to?"

"Jasper." Another sigh. I started to open my eyes and tell him this would never work, but he cut me off.

"Keep them closed." I closed my eyes even tighter and felt his lips brush mine as he whispered, "Who are you kissing, Alice?"

"Jasper," I breathed, my brain and my voice full of desire as I forgot everything but the feeling of someone's lips on mine and the image of Jasper in my head and kissed with reckless abandon.

I should have realized everything was wrong – whether it really was the Jasper in my mind or the Mike that was actually touching me, it wasn't Edward, and that made it wrong. But all I could think about was Jasper and how his lips would feel and how he would touch me and how he made me feel like the girl I once was, but could never hope to be again if I stayed with Edward.

I gasped as I felt Mike's hand brush against my breast, the knowledge that that was wrong plaguing my conscience. In an instant, he turned into Jasper in my mind and I let go of all the wrong and just felt. Felt his hands pulling at my clothes, felt his tongue as it worked with mine, felt every inch of him pressed up against me, felt the undeniable and inescapable tingle of irreversible lust.

"Jasper," I panted as Mike's hands worked their way up under my shirt and beneath my bra. He should've corrected me, should've left and never come back, but he didn't. He just kept going and let me live in my unhealthy delusion as he peeled my clothes off and left them on my floor.

His lips felt amazing on my bare skin as they kissed and nipped at every inch of me, the image of Jasper in my head making it even hotter and more acceptable to me. I felt him slide two, then three fingers inside me and my head fell back against my pillow at the thought of the delicious blond man I couldn't seem to avoid filling me so completely. He pumped them in and out, curling them at just the right time, and I was soon writhing on my bed, desperate for release and fighting the urge to moan Jasper's name over and over the closer I got.

Finally, Mike's fingertips found just the right spot and I absolutely lost it, moaning breathily as my own fingers clawed at my sheets.

I opened my eyes slowly and tried feebly to conceal my disappointment when they met Mike's eyes instead of Jasper's.

"Jesus Christ," Mike breathed, inexplicably awestruck. "Edward was right."

"Right about what?" I panted, still trying to get my heart to calm and my breathing to steady.

"The noises you make when you cum are the sexiest things anyone has ever heard."

His nonchalant use of the most tactless word for an orgasm I could think of brought reality crashing back. He wasn't Jasper and this wasn't okay.

"Oh God," I moaned, covering my mouth as I climbed off my bed, suddenly nauseous.

"What's wrong?" Mike asked, suddenly concerned about my mental and physical wellbeing.

"Get out," I breathed as I tried to will the nausea away.

"What?"

"Get out. Now. And don't ever tell Edward what just happened."

He scurried out the door in a hurry and it was days before I even glimpsed him again.

A week after our foolish little tryst, I found a note shoved under my bedroom door.

Alice –
I am so sorry about everything that happened. I should never have laid a hand on you like that. It was horrible and unforgiveable. I promise I'll never tell Edward, just give me the chance to explain myself and apologize to you.
- Mike

It had been folded in half and taped shut. I found it curious that there were two pieces of tape – one right on top of the other – holding it closed, but brushed it off as one of Mike's more obsessive-compulsive moments and called him to offer him a fair chance.

I should have known better than to let him back in. I should've known the same thing would happen again. But I was stupid and desperate for someone to talk to, and Mike didn't object when things got out of control and I accidentally called him Jasper. It was like it didn't even phase him, so long as he got to touch me.

Our fifth or sixth time together, my cell phone rang as Mike was pulling my jeans off. Normally, I would've ignored it and kept up my mental façade of Jasper disrobing me, but it was Edward's ringtone. A foreboding feeling flooded me as I answered.

"Hi, baby! I was just thinking about you," I lied, trying my best to conceal my heavy breathing.

"Were you?" His voice was caustic and laced with trouble.

"Of course!" I said, plastering a smile on my face for good measure and hoping he could hear it in my voice. "When am I not?"

Mike's phone rang behind me as I spoke the last word. His eyes shot to the screen and narrowed in confusion as he read the ID. "It's Bella," he mouthed.

"What's Mike doing there?" Edward asked and my eyes widened in alarm. Suddenly the two pieces of tape made sense. Bella had found Mike's note. She'd read it, taped it back together and left it on the floor for me to find. And now she'd told Edward what she knew. I could feel the color fade from my face and the tears start to form.

"Mike? What makes you think Mike's here?" I asked, barely pulling off an innocent tone and hiding the guilty tears from my voice.

"That's his ringtone."

"No, baby," I stammered. "That was the radio."

"Oh, okay," he said, and I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking he was going to let it go.

Mike's phone rang loudly behind me and I glared at him as he hurried to ignore the call and mute the tone.

"Their CD must be skipping then, huh?" Edward asked, venom in his voice.

"Baby, it's not what you think…" I pled. Actually, it's exactly what you think… I'm just not willing to lose you because of it.

"I'm not dealing with this shit again, Alice," he spat. "I can't and I won't."

"It's not what you think!" I reiterated, the tears spilling over and coating my voice.

"Then what is it, Alice?" I'd never heard him sound so cruel and uncaring. It hurt to know I deserved it.

Mike tore the phone out of my hand before I could openly sob into it. "I'm helping her find a wedding gift for you, you paranoid asshole. She wanted it to be a surprise. Now apologize to your fiancée so she'll stop crying," he demanded.

I sat in awe of his instant, crafty lie and immediately doubted every word he'd ever said to me. Then I realized that was probably how Edward felt for the majority of our relationship and I hated myself intensely for making him doubt me so, and for being so deserving of it.

He thrust the phone back into my hand and I sniffled into the receiver, still staring, awestruck, at him. "I did theatre in high school," he mouthed as Edward began talking again.

"Baby, I am so sorry," Edward apologized, the words spilling out a mile a minute. "I'm exactly what Mike said. I'm a paranoid asshole, and I am so sorry I hurt you."

"It's okay. I deserved that," I sniffled, knowing exactly how true that statement was.

"No, baby. You didn't. I'm sorry," he soothed through the phone.

"I should've just told you," I cried. I was sure he'd assume I meant the gift lie Mike had come up with, but his roommate and I both knew exactly what I meant, and the room became heavy with tension.

"No, no. It was sweet of you to try and surprise me," Edward continued.

"I love you, Edward. I would never do that to you." On purpose, my mind added for me.

"I know, baby. I know. I love you, too."

"Can I go back to shopping now?" I joked, trying to ease the tension both on the phone and in the room.

"Have fun," Edward said. I kissed the phone as I always did to say goodbye, and we hung up.

"Shopping?" Mike asked with a devious grin.

"Yes, shopping. And that is exactly what we will tell him if this ever comes up again," I said.

"Wanna shop a little more?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

"No," I answered definitively, shaking my head at him. "I think you need to leave. This needs to end here and now. You're his best friend, and I'm his fiancée, and that was entirely too close a call. We're done. Never again."

"Not even if I grow my hair out a bit and keep letting you call me Jasper?" he shot.

"Get out," I seethed, hurt by the truth hidden in his cheap shot. "I don't want to see you again before my wedding."

"Wedding…" he scoffed as he climbed off my bed. "Good luck with that." He marched out the door and slammed it shut behind him as I buried my face in my hands and berated myself for my stupidity.

Weeks passed without incident, and suddenly I was welcoming my mother and Edward's parents to our Jack and Jill, the guilt of my indiscretions with Mike eating at my soul as Mrs. Cullen kissed me on the cheek and referred to me as the daughter she had always wanted.

The afternoon went as well as could be expected. Various relatives got completely smashed at the open bar, others settled for a deafening karaoke competition, and others still perused the room for interesting people to talk to. It was fascinating to watch my family try to blend with Edward's. They had so little in common, but it was easy to see they were trying for our sake. I appreciated it, despite the guilt it churned up in me.

It was almost time to cut and serve the cake, and I found myself wondering whether we should leave the table for it over against the wall as it was or wheel it to the middle of the room so everyone could see. Then it struck me – there was no cake. I'd special ordered it to make sure it was perfect – a feeble attempt to apologize to Edward without admitting what I'd done – and I'd forgotten to pick it up.

"It's not a big deal, baby," Edward said when I told him. "It's just a cake. Besides, half the people here are drunk enough to not know what year it is, never mind realize there's no cake."

"I know it's just a cake, Edward, but I ordered it special. It was supposed to be a gift to you." I hung my head, leaning my forehead against my hands as I berated myself for forgetting something so simple yet essential.

"Don't worry about it," he said, kissing me on the cheek. "I'll run to the bakery and be back in no time. You'll never even know I was gone."

"Yes, I will. You just told me," I retorted with a smile as he stood to leave. "You're too good to me."

He squeezed my shoulder once and left to get the cake, coming to my rescue for what felt like the millionth time in a mere five or so years.

"You scare my son off already?" Mr. Cullen asked with a friendly smile as he took the seat beside me.

"Surprisingly, no," I laughed. "He just went to pick up the cake I was stupid enough to forget."

"You're not stupid, Alice," he said, laying his hand on my shoulder. "No son of mine would be interested in someone who was." I smiled happily at him, enjoying the bonding time with my to-be father-in-law.

"I can, however," he continued, "easily see why he is interested in you."

I narrowed my eyes at him in confusion.

"You're a very beautiful young woman, Alice." He squeezed my shoulder as his son had done mere moments ago, and the strangest sense of danger flooded through me.

"Thank you, Mr. Cullen."

"Please, call me Carlisle. We're about to be family after all."

"Carlisle, then," I said, my voice betraying my discomfort ever so slightly.

"Come for a walk with me, Alice," he suggested, standing and offering me his hand.

"Uhm… okay…" I stammered, slipping my hand into his and letting him help me out of my chair.

"I've waited a long time to see Edward as happy as he is with you," he began as he led me down a back hall of the building. "It's truly nice to see my son smile like that."

"I completely agree, Mr. Cul—" He shot me a playful, warning glance. "Carlisle," I finished with a smile. "I love seeing Edward happy. It's good to know I have that effect on him."

"You know…" Carlisle trailed off, waiting for me to grant him an inquisitive glance. "He told me about your indiscretions with Emmett in high school."

"Oh." I felt my face fall at the knowledge that I'd disappointed yet another important person in my life.

"I do hope you've changed your tune since then."

I thought back on all the times I'd been with Mike, all the horribly fantastic thoughts I'd had about Jasper, and felt my resolve to be good to Edward from here on out strengthen slightly.

"I have," I said, nodding almost to myself. "I'm not that girl anymore."

"That's good to hear," Carlisle commented. We walked in companionable silence for a short while before he spoke again. "I do wonder, though…"

"Wonder what?" My stomach turned as I considered the possibility of Bella having gone above Edward's head, or Mike having turned me in after all.

"Just how much it would take to break your resolve," he finished, turning to look me in the eye. I expected to meet a concerned, paternal gaze, but the face I saw was anything but fatherly.

"Excuse me?"

"You're a beautiful girl, Alice," he said, stroking my cheek with the back of his fingers.

"So you said." I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I was almost positive my fiancé's father was making a pass at me, and, if that was the case, I needed to get out of there and quick. On the other, if it was a simple misunderstanding and I pulled away from him, he might be offended, and the last thing I wanted to do was offend Edward's family.

"It's proper to thank someone when they compliment you, you know," he chastised lightly, leaning down to meet my eyes.

"Thank you," I muttered, my mind reeling as it tried to make sense of what was happening and decide on a course of action. Before it could settle on anything, I felt his lips brush mine.

No. You're a different girl now. Shove him away. You can't do this to Edward. You can't do this to yourself, I told myself.

I reached up to shove him away; he took the movement of my arms as an invitation to get even closer and pressed me to the wall with his body, his hands pulling at my waist. "I can't," I muttered, pulling away from him as much as I could.

"Yes, you can. He'll never know." His lips were back on mine before I could argue.

The back door slammed shut to my left and I gasped as I heard the squishy sound of cake hitting the floor.

I couldn't think of a thing to say as I stood there, watching the horrified expression on my fiancé's face. I wanted to apologize, to plead my innocence, but I knew Edward would never believe me. I was the girl who cried innocent – when I finally deserved his trust, he had none to give.

"You were right," he spat, glaring at his father. "She is trouble. And so are you."

"Son…" Carlisle started.

"Don't you dare call me that!" I flinched as Edward's voice echoed through the hall. "You lost the right to call me any sort of family the second you laid a hand on my fiancée!"

"Edward…" I started, finally finding my voice.

"And you!" His voice cut like a freshly sharpened sword as he turned it on me. "Jesus, Alice," he said almost to himself, shaking his head sadly as he spoke. "We're fucking done. And this time, I mean it. Get your shit out of my room. I never want to see you again."

"Edward!" I wailed, tears finally spilling out as I realized what was happening.

"Don't give me that shit, Alice. If this were really that upsetting to you, it wouldn't have happened in the first place," he spat before he turned to stalk out of the hall.

"Bella was right, wasn't she?" he asked, facing the door.

"What?" I pled, not understanding the direction the conversation had taken.

"What's my wedding present, Alice?" he seethed as he turned back to face me. "I'm sure you found a really great one after you put in so much fucking time and effort with my roommate." The truth of his statement stung almost as much as the hatred he'd laced it with. "That's what I thought," he said almost nonchalantly as I looked guiltily at the frosting-covered floor.

He turned and headed for the door, pulling his cell phone out and dialing as he walked.

"You were right," he said to whoever answered on the other end, turning to face me. His eyes met mine and I tried to plead my case without words, but he cut me short. "I almost married a whore."

My jaw fell and my breathing stuttered as I took in Edward's parting words.

"Alice…" Carlisle began beside me.

"NO!" I screamed through the tears. "Get away from me! This is all your damn fault!" I ran through the reception hall, not even trying to hide how upset I was, and ran in no particular direction until I couldn't run anymore. I screamed at the top of my lungs, again and again, just trying to get all the pain and the guilt and all the other horrid emotions out of my body, and finally collapsed under a willow tree and sobbed until my eyes ran dry.

When I could finally bear to stand again, I called a cab and had the driver take me to the coffee shop near campus I used to enjoy. My throat was hoarse from screaming and my eyes stung from the tears; I needed tea – warm, soothing and safely inviting – as fast as I could get it.

I sat in my favorite booth and sipped my tea, enjoying the way it eased the pain in my throat. I wished it could ease the pain in my heart just as easily.

"Hey, stranger," a familiar voice chimed from across the tiny table. My broken heart fluttered a bit at the sound. I looked up for the first time since I'd sat down, and my swollen, bloodshot eyes met Jasper's perfect blue ones.

"Wanna tell me about it?" he asked, smiling kindly at me. I shook my head and looked back at my tea. "Mind if I just sit here with you until you change your mind, then?"

I looked into his eyes again and felt something I hadn't realized I'd been missing for so long – hope.

"No. Please stay," I mumbled. He reached for my hand, and for once, I let him take it.

"Whatever it is, it'll be okay, you know," he said as he rubbed calming circles into the skin of my hand. "It's not the end of the world." His free hand reached up and lifted my chin a bit. "You're still alive and you're still beautiful; it can't be as bad as it feels."

"Thank you," I said, scooting over on my booth. "Sit with me?"

"I'd love to." He smiled as he got up and switched sides of the table. "Would it be okay if I hugged you? Rumor has it that helps a bit."

I leaned against him and finally allowed myself to enjoy the comfort of the embrace I'd been running from for so long.

"I have nowhere to live," I said, mostly to myself, after a few moments of just sitting with him.

"What?" he asked, alarm coloring his tone.

"I have nowhere to live," I repeated. "I was supposed to move in with my f—friend soon, but that… fell through. I have nowhere to go."

"Yes, you do," he said, holding me closer. "There's an extra bedroom in my house. You can stay there."

"No, Jasper. I don't want to take advantage of you like that."

"Nonsense. I'm not going to leave you out on the curb. You'll stay with me, and that's final." He kissed the top of my head to show me he was sincere but not as demanding as he'd tried to make himself sound.

"Thank you," I whispered, relaxing even more as I realized one of the many problems I now faced was resolved.

"Anytime, Lizzy." It felt good to be called Lizzy again, to step out of the persona I'd crafted so long ago and let all my defenses down.

"Say that again," I pled.

"Say what?"

"My name."

"Lizzy?" he asked with a laugh.

"Yes."

"The strangest things make you happy, Lizzy." He kissed the top of my head again and repeated my name until I told him he could stop.

I didn't stay in his guest room very long; the chemistry between Jasper and I was too unavoidable for that. Within a week, I was spending nights in his bedroom. At first, I was just enjoying the feeling of his arms around me when I was sad, but it quickly grew to more than that. His sweet, comforting kisses in my hair soon became sweet kisses to my forehead or my cheek, and then passionate kisses to my lips. It felt so good to finally be able to give in and touch him that the memory of everything I had gone through with Edward faded so quickly it was almost shameful.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to do that," he said the first time he kissed me.

"I think I might, actually." A small smile crept across my face as he leaned in to kiss me again.

"I have something very foolish to tell you, Lizzy," he began, kissing my cheeks, my nose, even my eyelids as he waited for me to respond.

"What's that?" I asked with a giggle.

He stopped kissing me and stared intently into my eyes. "I think I love you," he admitted. "And I think I have for a long time now."

My breath caught. Edward's voice echoed in my head, repeating the same words Jasper had just said to me. I waited for the pain associated with everything I'd lost, but it never came. It was like Jasper's confession had healed every sickening hole in my heart.

"I've never felt like this with anyone else," Jasper continued. "Just you. It's like the room lights up every time you walk in. I light up every time you walk in, every time I think of you, even." I smiled as he rambled, content to just let him pour his feelings out and save mine until he was finished. "I didn't ask you to live with me because I couldn't let you be homeless. That was part of it, sure, but it was a lot more selfish than that. I… don't like… being away from you, Lizzy."

"I don't like being away from you either," I admitted. "It's hard to stay away from you. Trust me, I've tried." He raised a curious eyebrow at me, but let me continue. "There's a lot you don't know about me, Jasper. A lot."

"Then tell me," he prodded, cupping my face gently with his hand. I held it in place with my own as I shook my head.

"Not right now. Some other time. I promise, I'll tell you everything you want to know." For once, I meant every word I said. Even though I was terrified to let him know about the Alice that was, I realized I wanted him to know everything there was to know about me. I wanted him to know the real me, all the fears and flaws.

"I can wait," he said with a smile.

"I know you can."

A few weeks later, I felt myself wanting to escape the memory of my sorrows by doing something special with Jasper on what should've been my wedding day. I told him I needed to get out that day, that I needed to get out with him, and he agreed without even asking why. That was my Jazzy… always knowing when to prod and when not to. He had a few errands to run in the morning, but promised to take me out to a movie and a special dinner as soon as he finished them.

Jasper picked me up at our house – I loved the sound of that, our house – the moment he finished his errands, just as he'd promised. A quick stop at the diner he used to work at to say hi to an old coworker and get us some coffee, and we'd be on our way out.

Since it was supposed to be a quick stop, I waited in the car while he ran in. I listened to the radio, singing along and making a complete fool of myself, and played a game on his phone as the time ticked by. After a while, I got sick of waiting and decided to head in and find him. What I found when I walked in put me right off the idea of dinner and a movie.

Whoever was sitting on the stool next to my new boyfriend had hair identical to Edward's. It can't be… I thought to myself as I walked up and rested my hand on Jasper's shoulder.

"Ready, baby?" I asked, looking insistently at Jasper instead of at the heartbreakingly familiar frame next to him. "We're gonna be late."

In my peripheral vision, I saw the man next to us move and his face fall, and I couldn't stop myself – I looked down at him and met his shocked and hurt eyes with my own. I sucked in a ragged breath as I realized my boyfriend had just spent an unfortunate amount of time conversing with the one man who truly did know everything there was to know about me. Before I knew it, the Alice persona I'd discarded a month ago snapped back into place.

"Who's your friend?" I asked, forcing feigned innocence and curiosity into my voice.

"Edward, this is Liz, my girlfriend," Jasper introduced us.

"Edward?" I questioned, hating myself as I did so, but not able to stop. Tearing the Alice persona back down in front of him would mean feeling everything all over again, and I just couldn't go through that. "Now that's a name you don't hear all the time." I unthinkingly extended my hand to shake his, as I would to someone I'd legitimately never met before, and almost took it back when I watched his eyes fall on my ring… his ring.

"Funny," he said. "You don't look like a Liz." I smiled to hide the hurt, and his eyes danced across my chest as he read the words on my new favorite shirt. "I like your shirt," he said, no real emotion in his voice. I knew it wasn't a compliment; it was a shot at the accuracy the horoscope shirt held for me.

"Thank you," I replied, faking sincerity as I turned back to Jasper. "C'mon, baby," I whined. "I don't wanna miss the previews."

He smiled at me and turned to Edward. "Hey, I'll see you around, man," he said, tapping Edward's arm with the back of his hand. I wished with everything in me that that would never happen.

He tossed a twenty dollar bill on the counter and my heart sank slightly as I noticed the bill was half-covering one of Jasper's business cards.

"That's my number. Call me, we'll go to a game sometime," he said as I pulled him toward the door, eager to get away from Edward and the chaos his presence could cause. "And cheer up," he added. "She ain't worth bein' upset over. She's nothin'." My heart lurched as I heard the one person that mattered to me anymore unknowingly call me "nothin'." I pulled harder, hoping he read my hurry as anxiety over missing the start of our movie.

"Oh no," Edward said, and my eyes shot nervously back to him. "She's everything," he finished, his eyes still locked on mine. I smiled at the thought that I still meant something to someone other than Jasper and immediately regretted it as I felt Alice take over and the smile turn knowing and slightly malicious.

"Nice meeting you, Edward," I heard myself say before I even realized I was speaking. I pulled Jasper out the door before things could get impossibly more uncomfortable and the Lizzy he knew and loved was lost forever.

As the door shut behind us, I heard Edward mutter softly, as if to himself, "Nice knowing you, Alice," and my heart jumped into my throat as I turned to see the shocked expression on Jasper's face as he stepped into the parking lot.