Hay Maker
By M. Hopkins

Well. This could have turned out significantly worse, that's for DAMN sure. I suppose I'm grateful for everything that has happened to me so far. The locals have treated me far better than my own family have. Plus- I gotta say- the end of the world does wonders for your self esteem. Surviving it, that is.

But, I get ahead of myself. Introductions, all that. My name is Thomas Cody, age 23, 6'6", 220 pounds. I have brown hair and powder-blue eyes.

I am ostensibly the last remaining human from planet Earth.

And I am an alien.

This whole mess started in the middle of January, right around my birthday. My cousin and I were attending a family reunion, and he decided to show up with some boy he'd met, announcing that he was gay. Naturally, my homophobic father- being the head of everything- cast him out of the family at large. And then proceeded to hold a secret inquisition of all the family members, starting with the closest to him and moving out.

Now, my uncle knew that my cousin was in the closet. He also knew I was bisexual, and nobody- I mean NOBODY- hides anything from my father. I won't go into great length, but some of my cousins outed me under threat of physical violence, and I was already headed for the hills by the time my father found out.

So, here I find myself (in more meanings of the phrase than you can possibly imagine), in San Francisco. It was the last day of the Mayan calendar, and I had just gotten off work to head back to Hobo town where my pal Markus Grahams was sitting on my spot. We looked out for each other.

Oh, yeah, by the by- I'm homeless.

I take him a grinder, or some Stromboli every night as thanks for saving my stuff, and my boss just takes it out of my paycheck. But Tommy, you ask, why would someone employ you without a place of residence? Well, it helps when you save them from a mugging. That and overlooking a few small OSHA violations in the kitchen. Hey, I like to live on the edge.

Markus takes his dinner and goes up top to watch the stars every few nights, and I sit listening to the news on an old radio I had one of the other squatters fix up, while playing jazz and reggae on my guitar. Helped brighten up the mood for most everybody. But tonight, God or Vishnu or... fucking Cthulhu, I don't know, decided he/she/it wasn't having any more of this 'existence' bullshit, and promptly rained on Earth's goddamn parade.

And by rained, I mean bathed in deadly cosmic radiation. Sorry, I tend to swear like a sailor when I get pissed off. So, anyway, a deep-space pulsar zaps the sun, which promptly throws an epic hissy, and begins- for some messed up science-y reason I will probably never understand, despite the fact that I am a colossal nerd- to grow superdense and collapse in on itself violently.

I guess.

The chain reaction sent a beginning wave of radiation at like... one one-millionth of the rest of the waves' power. Like a warning shot- "Eight minutes, get your shit together", or something like that. All we saw was the night sky turning red as the other side of the planet was deep-fried. The ambient temperature shot up to 'holy shit, my car just melted' levels, and I saw weird yellow...gaps, for lack of a better term, floating- or not existing, take your pick- in midair.

And in a strange kind of... dissonant serenity, I figured 'Hey, I'm dead anyways, might as well get... spaghettified, or whatever wormholes do to you, y'know? Exit with style'. So I gathered my iPod (yes, I know I should have sold it, but I can't get through the day without some kind of music, I'm an addict, okay?), guitar, and a satchel of clothes I kept close in case I needed to bail fast. And I stepped through oblivion.

And here I am in a forest. Why am I in a forest? I turned around, and the air was... not broken, or whatever. And there was a road, in the open. I decided that 'civilized' was probably a safer bet than wilderness for my foreseeable wellbeing, and started walking... that-a-way. Cause I'm freakin' Magellan, okay?

It is about... 'crack-of-dawn' in the morning, and I have no idea which star is Polaris, and the moon is new, so I ain't got crap to navigate by. Not that it matters, without an atlas or map, or something. I walk for about an hour, until the now-unexploded sun pokes its way over the horizon, showing me that I am heading northeast. I come across rolling farmlands and see a little cottage by the side of the road. I casually stroll up to the house and knock on the nondescript door, calling out for assistance.

"Hello? Is anyone there? I've been walking for quite a while, and I was wondering where the closest city is." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw brief movement in the window next to the door, followed by a feminine gasp, and a dull thud against the door, as if someone were braced against it.

"G-g-go away!" a young woman yelled from inside. "Whatever you... j-just leave!"

"But...I'm lost...I don't know where to go!" I threw my hands up in exasperation.

"N-north! Just keep going north! You should see lots of tents along the road."

"...Fine! Whatever. It's not like I've really got anywhere to be."

An elderly man's voice sounded from inside: "Dagnabbit, JUST GO AWAY!"

I hurried along the cobblestone road, not wishing to incur the further wrath of the homesteaders. I took this opportunity to pop out my iPod and listen to music, strolling lazily along the path for another half-hour until my legs got tired. I sat down on a stone wall, weighing all my options, and letting the events of the previous day sink in.

Had I really survived the end of the world? If I had, then WHERE THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I NOW? Did I get blasted back to pioneer...or pre-industrial days, or something? Oh, god... if I did, then I can't really listen to my iPod anymore, won't have indoor plumbing, medicine, and all those bible-thumping wild west folks will kill me if I ever come out! I'm back where I fucking started!

"Sonovacrap!" I swore, shutting off my iPod, and shoving it in my rucksack. I slung my guitar over my shoulder and resumed my now-angry walk to town. And, lo and behold, as I crested the ridge, I saw apple trees to my right and pink and yellow tents ahead. I picked up the pace and saw that the tents were actually market stalls, without a single merchant in sight.

Among the tents, in a large clearing, was a large building. Or carnival ride, I couldn't tell which. It looked like a merry-go-round, with chibi horses surrounding it. On the front of the building, in very ornate lettering, were the words 'Carousel Boutique'. I knocked cautiously at the door, although I wasn't honestly expecting an answer at- what, five in the morning, or something? So I figured I would hide around back, where I could maybe catch a few Z's without anyone seeing me. Hell, getting picked up for vagrancy would be a godsend, since it would mean a bath (sort of), a few meals (sort of) and a bed to lie down in (again, sort of).

I laid my rucksack down on the ground, close to the back door- which I noted has a cat-door installed- and close my eyes. Not five minutes go by before I feel four little points of soft pressure on my sternum. I crack open one eye, and see a rather large Persian cat with a blue bow on its head sitting on my chest. I reached up out of its field of vision, and grabbed its back. It immediately braced itself, but calmed down when I started scratching under its chin.

I sat up and set the cat on the ground next to me, and it started to climb up on my shoulders. I held my hand over my bowed head, and she rubbed her face on it, all while I was degenerating into sappy baby talk. At some point, she hopped off my shoulders and ran back to the cat door; as my gaze followed her, I was greeted by another four-legged guest.

This new creature must be some odd breed of horse, nearly identical to the ones adorning the boutique. They must be the city's mascot. "Well hello, cutie! Where did you come from?" I started making kissing noises and beckoning with my fingers, but it just stood there, eyes wide and mouth agape, as if it were absolutely shocked to see me. Speaking of its eyes... they faced forward. Stereoscopic eyes are a trait that only carnivores have, so here's hoping I don't lose any fingers.

I knelt next to the shivering creature, and its ears immediately folded back, eyes wrenching shut. I think I heard it whimpering, too. "Shh, shh... it's okay, cutie. I just wanna be friends, okay?" I was close enough for a better look in the low morning light, and saw that the equine had an alabaster coat, and... A purple mane? Curled and styled, too. She must have an owner at a farm nearby. Or the jeweler, if that three-diamond brand/tattoo thing was any indication.

Then, I noticed the front of its head. There, atop this beautiful creature's noggin, swirls running down the side...was an honest-to-God horn. Like a miniature, nubby unicorn. "What." I said flatly. Not even a question, I just blurted out a brain-fart of pure disbelief. I stared for a moment, collecting my thoughts, before pondering aloud: "What are you?"

"P-p-pony..." I heard a small, feminine voice whimper. I immediately perked up, looking around for the source.

"Hello? Someone there?" I waited for an answer, but the only sounds I heard came from the terrified... unicorn, I guess I'll call it, until I figure out what it really is. Could be a land narwhal, for all I know.

When I didn't receive a response, I turned back to the horse. I ran my hand down her mane, trying to calm the poor creature, and said "I should get you back to your owner. They're probably worried sick." The moment the words left my mouth, the unicorn did something I could barely comprehend. She began sobbing hysterically. I didn't even think horses could sob. Actually, I'm almost 100% certain that they can't. And then, my entire world came crashing down around me as the terrified animal skittered away from me, pressing flush against the wall of the Boutique… and began to speak.

"Please don't take me away! I don't want to be somepony's pet! Please, I have a baby sister to care for! She would be lost without me!" she sobbed hysterically.

"...WHAT."

"Opal! Opalescence? Sweetie, where are you? Mommy's getting worried; it's time for your bath, your coat has become simply grungy today!" Rarity beckoned her cat out of hiding with a saucer of cream, a toy mouse, and even a bit of ribbon, and neither hide nor hair of the furball was evident in the Carousel Boutique…until she spotted the cat door in the kitchen swinging closed. Rarity let out an exasperated sigh.

"Honestly, I don't know why I let Applebloom install this thing in the first place. All it does is encourage my little darling to become absolutely filthy, day in and day out," she muttered to herself as she opened the back door. "Opal, baby, come to mommy!" As soon as she stepped outside, however, her blood nearly froze in her veins.

There, sitting on the ground, facing away from her, was a large... thing. And Opalescence was sitting on top of the creature, rubbing up against...

Oh, Celestia, it has paws like a... like a...Diamond Dog! Oh, no! What if it has come to take me back to those horrid cretins?

Rarity stood paralyzed as her beloved kitty ran from the creature, back inside the Boutique. This ultimately led the creature to turn and face her.

"Well hello, cutie! Where did you come from?"

Did it… he… just call me… cute?

Rarity's horror was partially replaced by confusion as the creature made odd beckoning noises, extending its paw towards her as it slowly crept forward, reaching out to touch her mane. She cringed as he put his paw- albeit gently- on her head, wrenching her eyes shut as he ran his... claws? (They weren't exactly sharp) down her neck and back. "Shh, shh... it's okay, cutie. I just wanna be friends, okay?" he cooed.

Rarity was still confused and terrified, but for some reason, she was starting to be put at ease. She truly believed that the being meant her no harm, but she just couldn't calm herself. Even though that rubbing felt amazing… she still shivered with fear. The big…thing looked her all over, pausing finally at her horn.

He stared, mystified for a moment, before uttering a disbelieving "What."

A few moments later, he mysteriously asked "What are you?"

…What am I? Doesn't he know? How could he not- wait! If he does not know what I am, then he couldn't be working for the Diamond Dogs! Come on, old girl, talk! Something!

"P-p-pony..." she managed to stammer out. …Well, better than nothing…

He immediately began looking around, asking "Hello? Someone there?" in a cautious tone of voice. As if he couldn't tell where her voice were coming from! After looking around fruitlessly, he turned his attention back to Rarity. She felt she had worked up enough nerve to continue diplomacy with the foreign being, when all of a sudden, he stated "I should get you back to your owner."

And that was when Rarity lost all composure. OH GODS HE WANTS TO SELL ME AS AN EXOTIC PET!

She attempted to "Please don't take me away! I don't want to be somepony's pet! Please, I have a baby sister to care for! She would be lost without me!" she sobbed hysterically.

The creature reared back, eyes bugging out of it's head, an gave a gob smacked "…WHAT." It began holding its paws up as if it were being robbed, and stood up abruptly as it began stuttering wildly. "But, you with the- and how- talking fuzzy- in the - why what how- FFFFFF-" It promptly went cross-eyed and collapsed into a twitching heap.

Rarity looked on in confusion. What happened? I really couldn't have beaten it…could I? I never laid a hoof upon it! She glanced about, hoping nopony noticed the scene: the last thing her poor nerves needed was an inquisition.

With no small difficulty, she precariously levitated the unconscious alien inside the boutique, laying him to rest upon the couch, where her plight was hers, and hers alone. She looked over the unconscious creature briefly, trotting in place and glancing about whilst making small, panicked and uncertain noises, before dashing out the door, letting out a pained, distraught wail, "TWI- HIIIIILIIIIGHT!"