Moxxi keeps polishing a glass as she says, "Hunny, as long as you both like what you're doing and who you're doing it with, there is no wrong way to have sex."
"Okay, yeah that is all well and good but what if I don't know how to," she waved her arms emphatically before lowering her voice, "have sex."
Moxxi puts down the glass and stares at her. "You're an awfully smart girl. You can't have no idea how it works."
"I understand the basics and I may have readslashwatched some… choice materials at some point. But you don't get it. The person, the guy I'm trying to… with is older and more experienced and I don't want to, ya know, suck. I mean the bad kind of suck because I know that sucking can definitely be involve-"
Moxxi holds up a hand to cut Gaige off. "Let me put your mind to rest a bit sugar. Zer0's not exactly a James Bond sort of guy if you get my drift. He might know more than you but not by a whole lot. You'll be fine."
"How do you know he's not secretly Casanova under that tight armor? And wait, how did you know I was talking about Zer0? I never said his name, did I?"
"No, but I have my ways. Let's just say you're not subtle."
"I'm not? But I've been trying so hard to play it cool," Gaige whines as she leans over until her head is touching the bar, "What gave me away?"
"The way you perk up whenever he enters a room sure isn't helping. But it's not just you. He might not be the easiest man to read but that boy watches you like a hawk. He was either planning to kill you or interested and I went with the later. Guess I'm just a romantic that way." Moxxi looks at ceiling wistfully before continuing, "Also with how embarrassed he looked when the guys were congratulating him earlier? That is not a guy who doesn't care."
"Embarrassed? About what?" she perks up, lifting her head off the counter to look at Moxxi.
"Axton and Sal may have gotten it into their heads that you and Zer0 have already been intimate," Gaige's face falls as Moxxi talks, "but I set them straight, don't you worry."
"I don't care about the sex thing, but Axton and Sal know too? How am I failing at this so hard?" Gaige moans as she set her face on the bar again.
"That ones not all on you either sugar. The boys figured it out the same way I did so Zer0's to blame too." She looks down at the moaning teen and pats her on the head. "It's all going to turn out just fine, don't you worry."
"Alright, alright, I just need to like channel my inner ninja and try and play it cool from now on." She squints her eyes and grimaces. "No more people can know."
"Why's it so important to keep you two a secret?" Moxxi picks up a glass to start polishing as she thinks about it and then immediately sets it down firmly. "Zer0 doesn't seem like the type to be working two girl but if he is I'll-"
Gaige cuts her off. "No, no it's an assassin thing really. He's pissed off a lot of people who want to watch him die slowly and if they know about me they'll use me against him. You know, classic pressure point scenario."
"Zer0 doesn't think you can take care of yourself?" Moxxi tilts her head and picks her glass back up.
"Well considering the fact that he can sneak up on me and scare the hell out of me anytime he wants, I think in this particular instance he might be right that I'm outclassed. I'm going to work on it though. Develop some new anti-assassin tech. I'm no damsel."
"No, you're not. You're a vault hunter and don't let anyone tell you different."
"Thanks," Gaige smiles. There is a pause where Moxxi just polishes her glasses and Gaige wobbles on her stool. Then Gaige says, loud and awkward, "But seriously, I'm freaking out here about the sex thing. Please just tell me one of the things you do that keep men and or women on their knees and I'll be eternally grateful, you have no idea."
Moxxi sets down the glass and puts her hands on her hips. "I'm going to be straight with you: I don't know what the hell Zer0 is or if all you're going to find is tentacles when you slip him out of that tight little suit," Moxxi pauses for a second as she thinks that option over. Shaking her head, she continues, "But my basic advice is this: figure out what he likes, help him figure out what you like and do that. I hate to demystify the act of making love but it's that simple really."
"Really?" Gaige looks at her, eyes wide. "So you think it will go alright?"
"You'll be fine," Moxxi nods.
"Thank you so much," Gaige says, hopping up on the stool before leaning over the counter to give Moxxi a one armed hug with her flesh arm.
Moxxi sets down her rag and hugs the girl back, "No problem, sugar."
Gaige pulls back, her expression sheepish, "That was weird, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I should probably get out of your hair, you are trying to close the bar and all."
"It's no skin off my nose but last call was about half an hour ago so…"
"Yeah, I should call it a night anyways." Gaige slides off her stool and heads for the door. At the last second she turns around and says, "Could you do me a huge favor and-"
"I won't tell a soul but unless you two start playing it much cooler-"
"I know, I'll try." Gaige shrugs before heading out the door shouting, "Thanks again."
"Girl's sure got weird taste," Moxxi says to herself, watching Gaige as she goes, "Weird, weird taste."