There
Beer, vodka, whiskey, rum, friends and Cards Against Humanity was our night. She was there. She was smiling, laughing and drinking merrily. Skin tight jeans, tank top and an oversized flannel shirt. She was pressed against my side. There. Right next to me.
The glow from the tv casted a white-blue glow over her light olive complected skin. Restless sleep was upon her. She was there. I could see her. I could reach out and touch her. I hesitated before I ghosted my fingertips down her right arm. She stirred, slowly opening her tired eyes, but never turned to look at me. Her fingers brushed against mine before she got up to head to the bathroom.
The bright fluorescent light had to have temporarily blinded her, but I didn't hear her say anything; or do anything either. But she was there, wasn't she?
"Who are you? What are you doing?"
It wasn't anything but a small rumble of sound. Nothing that I could make out, but I already knew. She was gone.
"You alright in there?"
Silence.
She wasn't there anymore.
I walked in the bathroom to find her staring at herself in the mirror and her hands bracing the counter top. Dark bags under her almond shaped hazel eyes from lack of sleep. Her head dropped so that she was looking down at her hands.
"Are you okay?"
I had to ask. I already knew what the answer was going to be. I wanted her close. I needed her close. I wrapped my arms around her waist, under her arms. She slowly lifted her head, staring back into the mirror. Tired, but wet hazel eyes catching mine.
She finally registered I was holding her.
"I'm fine."
She tried to smile. She removed her hands from the counter top to place them on my arms, lightly running her fingers along them.
I'm not sure either of us believed that anymore.
She slept in the next day. I was worried. She was there. I could see her. I could feel her. But she wasn't there at all.
I didn't hear her approach me in the kitchen.
"You're going to leave me, aren't you?"
I jumped, startled at the sound of voice even though it wasn't even at all loud.
I was also dumbfounded. She stood there, waiting. I didn't have an answer.
"I wouldn't blame you if you did."
She spoke as if it weren't a big deal. She still waited, watching me.
I still didn't have an answer. There was no palpable tension. There was no electricity. We stood there staring at each other.
It was over.
She nodded ever so slightly and wiped at her face before she left as quietly as she came.
I followed.
"What are you doing?"
She stepped around me; or at least tried to.
"Look, stop."
She ignored me.
"STOP!"
"For what?"
Tears.
"Please don't cry. I hate seeing-"
"Do you? That's all I do. Cry and lay in this fucking bed." She threw the pile of clothes in her hands to the floor. "Are you finally done pretending like I'm not fucked up? Like you can fix me?"
She yelled and part of me was happy. There she was.
"Are you done trying?"
All of her steam was gone now. Those same tired, teary hazel eyes stared at me.
"I... I don't know what else to do. You're not broken, but I don't know how to help you anymore either."
I stepped closer to her, expecting her to move away, but she didn't.
"I love you."
It was just above a whisper before she captured my lips with hers.
There. That was her.
She went finished packing her bags without so much of another word to me.
Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Something deep down didn't settle with me. She had a habit of disappearing, but this was different. I called, texted, emailed, tweeted, direct messaged to get no response.
Then one day my phone rang. It was her.
"I was hoping I'd hear from you. Where have you been?"
"She's gone."
"Gone? Who is this? This isn't funny."
The line was silent for a second.
"It was a car accident. Trauma to her head. My parents took her off of life support."
Her brother.
"We're, uh, kind of triple teaming the calls and I know she'd want you at her funeral if you can make it."
He had hanged up long before I realized it.
She had never wanted a traditional funeral. No black, unless that's what suited you. And no shitty tears. She also never thought she had touched anyone's life in a way that mattered.
Everyone got the memo on the no black, but there were a lot of shitty tears.
That night, I thought my guilt was going to eat me alive. If I had made her stay, she'd still be here. It was that simple, right?
I woke up in haste.
"Easy! What's wrong?"
She dodged my flailing arm trying to calm me.
My eyes went wide.
"You're here."
"I could leave if you'd like."
"NO!"
"Jesus, what has gotten into you?"
"I'm sorry. I had a really fucked up dream."
I went on explaining.
"The beginning happened, but then we just went to sleep. I told you I was fucked up?"
"Yeah, just like that actually."
"I am, but you know that. Or I'm sure you've figured it out."
"I don't give a shit about that. We take care of each other mentally and physically..."
"Ever the horn dog."
Her chuckle was tinged with lust.
"I love you."
She smiled. She smiled and it lit up her whole face. It shined in her eyes. It showed in the light blush that colored her cheeks.
"I love you too."
There she was.